HELP Awful situation with two people I care about

[wollyman]

I need some advice to say the least about my currect state of affairs. Let me give a little background information about myself. I am a 24 year old male, currently living in Connecticut in a small 1 bedroom apartment. I work almost full time and attend school full time at the University of Connecticut, I am currently in Junior standing (I have four semesters left until I get my degree). I was single for about a year until recently (April). My friend and I became closer, and started sleeping together. She is 30 years old and has a 13 year old child. She is a single mother that has joint custody of her child. We started sleeping together periodically; I didn't see her much because she doesn't live nearby and has a very busy schedule. I wanted to elevate our status to boyfriend/girlfriend and she told me that she couldnt' step into that, she needed some middle stepping stone. However, I didn't want to be stuck between a more serious relationship and a friend with benefits situation. I was upset over the situation; furthermore she has a hard time opening up and expressing her feelings. The few times that we slept together we didn't use protection, we avoided sex during ovulation and I pulled out every time. I realized that this relationship wasn't going where I wanted it to go and concluded she was never going to open up to me and welcome me into her life (this was happening in late may).

 

I met someone else after she turned me off by not wanting to elevate our relationship to boyfriend/girlfriend status. I am not sure why but I started dating her almost right away (maybe because I thought I could get away from this other situation without getting hurt). So we started dating in June, she is 23 years old and currently lives with her mother. She had alot of issues that I wasn't completely aware off, she has/had drinking problems. That kept me distant to some point.. she was very nice and we had a lot of common interests. Eventually I had to explain my new situation with the girl I was "dating" prior to meeting this new girl. She came clean on her feelings and said how strong they were, and said the only reason she pushed me away was to avoid being hurt (which currently she is more hurt than she has ever been in her entire life). I ended up getting back together with her for a week or so and realized that I didn't want to be with someone that doens't have any time for me and always makes other plans that don't involve me. So I went back to the other girl that I did have alot in common with... and we started having sex about 3 weeks into the relationship, with protection at first. Then for some reason a couple of times after we started having sex we decided that it would be okay just to go without a condom and pull out.

 

Early last week (July) the first girl came to me and said she was late for her period. She jerked me around about taking a pregnancy test ( she was upset about my new situation) and wanted to feel the situation out before she told me the results. She was in fact pregnant. At the same time the current girl I was with also started having symptoms of pregnancy... she was sick in the morning and started going to the bathroom all the time... Her period was not due until the 24th of July, but after the news from my last situation I wanted to make sure she wasn't pregnant and asked her to take a prenancy test. The results were non-conclusive.. there was a faint faint line... it was too early to tell. So on Sunday right before her period I asked her to take another test, and it was the digital type that said pregnant or not pregnant. The result was positive. So now I have two women that are pregnant with my baby... and I don't know what to do.. I am very upset and not being very supportive in this situation. Both of the women know about each other. They are not very happy either. I am not for abortion because I don't believe its a method of contraception (especially since I didn't have the sense to wear a condom). I want to take responsiblity for my actions. The first girl I was seeing, said she woudl try for the abortion pill because she didnt' want to have another baby and couldn't deal with the dual pregnancy situation, which I don't blame her for. She went to the clinic to find out it was too early for the abortion pill... and now she is telling me that she doesn't think she can go through with it. She wants to keep the child, we ran through a hypothetical situation (assuming that the current girlfriend went to the clinic and she was not pregnant) we couldn't establish any common ground to work things out between us. The current girlfriend went to the clinic and confirmed the test results. She said that she couldn't deal with the other girl having a baby at the same time, she wanted to run away and give the baby up for adoption. I don't know how I feel about a baby of mine being out there without a biological father. I dont' know how I could live with myself by giving a baby up for adoption and dealing with the first girl that we couldn't even establish what we would do under the assumption the other girl was not pregannt.

 

So now I am between these two women... I can't walk out on either of them... I feel its my responsiblity.. but its driving both of them wild because I am trying to deal with both simultaneously. The first girl offered me a "get out of jail free card" which basically meant that she would not ask me to have anything to do with the baby. Again.. I can't stand the fact that there will be a baby that is mine out there without a biological father, nor could I just let her hang and deal with everything by herself. I don't know how I can deal with both of these situations. Its driving me to the point of insanity. The current girlfriend is high maintanance and its not very responsible. She is getting over a drinking problem...not currently drinking thank god. The sitution doesn't stop there either, both of the girls are living with people whom are very religious and don't believe in having a baby or even sex for that matter out of wedlock. So they will have no place to go, the first girl is in school full time working on her PhD. She is more stable than the current girlfriend. It is killing her though watching me coddle this other girl through everything... I can't be there for both of them at the same exact time. The current girlfriends situation is really bad because she is having financial issues and is going to lose her car. She is trying to push me into marriage (after we have been dating a few months). I am not ready for that, I don't know how I even feel. I feel like a complete utter * * * *bag... and I want to make the right decision regarding this situation and try to make up for my mistakes... someone help!!!!!

[RayKay]

Just as a side note, a faint positive line is not "inconclusive"- it's a postive. There is no such thing as a false positive - false negatives yes, but not positives. That was more for anyone else going through this that read that.

 

Anyway....yes, you are in a whole lot of trouble here. Yes, you made some big mistakes in not using proper protection, and just hoping that luck would be on your side, and well, the "luck" ran out on you and with a big punch too. You can't count on pulling out and rythym method (especially when improperly done by sounds of it) to prevent pregnancy. Of course, you already know this now. Honestly, I hope anyone playing with fire reads this post.

 

It sounds like both women intend on keeping the babies, so all I can really advise is that yes, you have to take responsibility for it, not for them necessarily, but for those kids.

 

Now, adoption is not a terrible choice either. Just because a child does not have their bio parents does not mean they do not have loving, wonderful parents. And in many cases, you can choose the parents as well, and get updates (these are called option adoptions). That being said, it's not for everyone.

 

Oh yeah and....don't get married to someone you are really not sure you want to be with. You can be a father to that baby without getting married....because that really won't "fix" anything in the end.

[SaraJane]

Wow... Its a bit too late to preach about birth control obviously, but this is a terrible mess for you, and them, to be in.

 

I cant help but wonder if both women are actually pregnant, or if they're even yours. I've seen the "pregnancy card" played all too many times in relationships for far too many reasons.

 

All parties involved must have known the risks involved with sex, unprotected sex I'd assume from the circumstances... but what Im wondering is what their intentions and expectations are from you... do both want you to take upon the role of husband / father, or are they just expecting you to play the role as a father and support the child?

 

As far as the one not having any place to go... I highly doubt that her family (no matter how religious) would give her the boot, it quite often happens that they may be more supportive than she'd like to admit now. No one can change what happened, but its really hard to say what you should do other than be a father.

 

On a side note... When my mother was pregnant for me, my biological father opted to not be a part of my life, ever... and my mother agreed it was a good idea and later found a man who loved her, and me, and I was never truly hurt by it... in fact Im glad that she agreed with him and allowed him the option to go, because I truly feel that it was better for me to not have a biological father with a name than to have one who didnt really want me or was unable to provide me with what a father should.

[Ians Mommy]

Other than the fact of being with two girls at once (even though they knew), I think you are being mature about this. You said a lot of times that you wanted to be in the kid's lives and that shows me that you're not going to be a dead beat dad like most guys in this situation would.

 

I'm 16 and pregnant and we're both going to have a hard time with this so if you want, PM me and we can talk if you want and get each other through these hard times.

[wollyman]

Well when I say faint line... i mean you have to hold the test up to a really bright light and look really hard... Furthermore the faint line that did appear was spaced far to the left of the control line. The EPT digital test confirmed the result. A much better test IMHO.

 

Your advice is appreciated... I realize that I am in a world of * * * *. I was stupid to assume my method of "attack" would be safe. I also hope people read this post and understand how serious it can become.

 

As far as them keeping the babies.. its hard to tell, the situation changes daily. The first girl wants me to abandon the other girl and vice versa. I can't do that... I know I have to make a decision... its almost like choosing which baby lives or dies. The second girl as I mentioned is unstable. It will be very difficult for her to continue with the pregnancy. However, she will not consider abortion because of her beliefs. On the other hand I am having a lot of disagreements with the first girl.

 

Adoption is an option.. I am thinking and turning it over in my head right now. I just think to myself... what is that child going to think when he/she gets older. He/she is going to wonder why the father gave them up for adoption. I do love children and would do this by myself if the women didnt' want anything to do with there child... is that automatically giving that child a bad life?? Would adoption be better off in this scenario???

 

I can't marry someone that I am not sure about.. however I can be a good father... that much I am determined at if I choose to go that route rather than the adoption.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[RayKay]

Adoption is an option.. I am thinking and turning it over in my head right now. I just think to myself... what is that child going to think when he/she gets older. He/she is going to wonder why the father gave them up for adoption. I do love children and would do this by myself if the women didnt' want anything to do with there child... is that automatically giving that child a bad life?? Would adoption be better off in this scenario???

 

I have a couple friends whom are adopted, and in my conversations with them, they never held any resentment towards their bio parents. In both cases their bio parents were young, and not prepared, and they gave them to a family whom desperately wanted to raise them, and gave them a wonderful life. Both have met their bio parents (which is an option to happen at some point) when they were adults and have some sort of relationship with them.

 

As to whether you could raise a child if the mother signed over her rights...(or shared custody or gave you full custody)...well, yes, sure you could if you truly wanted too. It would not be easy, but you could do it. Another of my friends actually has full custody of his two children after their mother did not want to take care of them, and while it is a LOT of hard work and sacrifice he has done well. It's not automatically giving them a "bad life". Kids only know what they know...they don't know different, you know? If you really made that choice to be there for them and to do it, you could most certainly give them a good life.

 

Anyway, I really can't tell you what to do. This is something you, and the mothers, need to figure out. But I do want to say I think it is VERY good that you seem determined to do the best you can, and make the right choices, and to be there for those kids. I also greatly admire your choice to NOT just choose one or the other child because of pressure from a mother.

 

Good luck.

[wollyman]

I am having the same worries about the situation. I have evidence about one of the girls being pregnant, but the other girl to date has not done a pregnancy test in front of me. Furthermore as far as I know they are mine.. however neither of the women live with me.. and we dont' spend every night together. I will do a paternity test when the child is born, I don't think there is a way to do that before the child is born. Currently the situation has escalated to the point where both girls are threatening to cut me out of the babies life or abortion.. neither which I agree with. I guess I have to make a choice to support one of the women during pregnacy and deal with the first woman after the child is born... as far as child support and joint custody... this is still a big if... because neither are 100% sure they are going through with the pregnancy or ruling out adoption.

 

I don't even know how I feel about either girl. I want to at the very least play the role of supportive father. I can't gaurantee that I am going to marry anyone... the second woman wants to know if there is a good chance we will get married.. I have no idea... I am still in shock over the situation.

 

The second girl (23 yo) keeps telling me that her mother and brother/sister will be done with her and she will be compltely on her own... and she is freaked that if we don't have a commited relationship or on the path of marriage she isn't going to be able to take care of the child. I told her before we talk about my role other than a supportive father .... she needs to establish if I end up going my own way that she is going to be able to deal with that and share the custody of this child. Strongly against her beliefs... however sex out of marriage was against her religion, so maybe she is using that as a cop-out.

 

Its good to hear your prospective about not having your biological father in your life. However did he want to be a father and your mother didn't want him to have anything to do with you???

 

Thanks for the feedback!

[wollyman]

Other than the fact of being with two girls at once (even though they knew), I think you are being mature about this. You said a lot of times that you wanted to be in the kid's lives and that shows me that you're not going to be a dead beat dad like most guys in this situation would.

 

I'm 16 and pregnant and we're both going to have a hard time with this so if you want, PM me and we can talk if you want and get each other through these hard times.

 

I don't feel very good about the situation that is for sure. Because I went back and forth and was having sex with both at the same time... can you say dirtbag. Bottom line is the fact that I was selfish... no pity party for me. I just need to do the right thing now instead of being a complete * * * *bag.

 

As far as your situation. I hope the guy steps up to the plate... at 16 that is going to be very hard for him. Are you considering your future with him... or are you just worried about one thing at a time? Furthermore are you religious?

[Ians Mommy]

I don't feel very good about the situation that is for sure. Because I went back and forth and was having sex with both at the same time... can you say dirtbag. Bottom line is the fact that I was selfish... no pity party for me. I just need to do the right thing now instead of being a complete * * * *bag.

 

As far as your situation. I hope the guy steps up to the plate... at 16 that is going to be very hard for him. Are you considering your future with him... or are you just worried about one thing at a time? Furthermore are you religious?

 

I'm not going to say you're a dirt bag for something like that. I'm a VERY understanding person and I'm not going to judge you for something like that. What counts is that your standing up and trying to do the best thing for both women even though they aren't cooperating.

 

I got pregnant by a different person than I'm with now (long long story). He gave up his rights to my fiance and my fiance is taking FULL responsibility for the baby. We are atleast going to wait to get married until I'm 18 so that we know that we're definitely meant for each other. I believe that you SHOULDN'T marry someone just because they got pregnant. My parents never married even when I was born and I'm glad that they didn't. Yes, I'm Presbyterian and went to church every Sunday until I was 13 and I want to go back but my church is too far and there isn't a Presbyterian church even close to me.

[wollyman]

Thanks for the comments. Just to mention something to all the other people whom stumble upon my post here and read it and decide that I am male pig.. that is not the case. I don't sleep around and have unprotected sex all the time. This was just a weird situation and I am not quite sure why things happened like this. I could never of pictured myself doing something like this. I am determined to at least be a good father.. I know its not going to be easy... and there will be a lot more things to worry about as time progresses from this point. I am thinking about creating a blog website.... I want other people to learn from my experiences. On another note I am receiving threats from the first woman so hopefully I will be around to deal with this situation.

 

Adoption is something I am going to mention to the second woman who wants a marriage and says that she can't do it without me. She is putting an immense amount of pressure on me to figure out what my feelings are for her. Traditionally you don't sleep around with people whom you dont' know exactly where your feelings stood, but it was a very stange situation. We have known each other for 7-8 years.. but were never that friendly. I know that I will be unhappy if I force myself into a relationship with the idea that it will result in marriage. I have so many other things to worry about right now other than marriage. I need to prepare myself finanically for this, especially if she decides to sign her rights away after the baby is born.

[piegirl]

Wow you are definitely in a mess. Unfortuantely you do not have much if any control in this situation.

 

If you end up raising one or both of these children on your own it will not be an easy thing to do. It is though completely posible to raise them on your own and still give them a good life. I have 8 year old twins and have been raising them on my own since they were 18 months old. They as happy and well adjusted as any child that has been raised in a 2 parent household.