Overnightness

[kaerunouta]

Yo hoy,

 

I"m in a relationship attamo with a girl 17 years old. I am 18.

 

Basically the deal is that her parents have decided that she is (indefinitely) not permitted to stay over my place, or me over her's.

 

So apart from totally removing any chance of intimacy within the relationship, it also means I have to overcomplicate any eavening activity by making sure she's home, or I'm home under any circumstance.

 

All I want is a normal adult relationship and it feels like i'm going through the kind of yarbles I'd expct from dating a fourteen year old.

[sophie274]

Honestly, I totally understand where her parents are coming from. I went to boarding school and am now in college away from home, but I'm pretty sure my parents would not have allowed me to have my boyfriend spending the night. I am now a sophomore in college, and after having been away from my boyfriend for 2 months he is spending a week's vacation at my house.

 

You sound like you might be going off to college soon: if so, that will give you opportunities for "intimacy". How long have you been dating? If it hasn't been that long, sticking to going-out dates shouldn't be too bad.

[Xx7shadesRedxX]

hey, there... try not to get too frustrated with her parents point of view... it's not a personal attack on you... they are trying to protect the interests of you and their daughter.

 

even though your schedule does not permit you and your girlfriend to have sex, it does not eliminate intimacy from your relationship. try being intimate in a different way... flowers, holding her hand, talking to her... work on strenthening your relationship by doing these things... trust me on this... nothing will tear a relationship apart quicker than having sex when you are not ready...

 

so if you really care about her, try giving each other time... and space... don't be dramatic... a lifetime full of sexual experiences awaits you... there is no rush... just let things fall into place & it'll work out fine.

[Unmotivated]

Did something happen that resulted in her parents making this decision? Maybe they don't feel comfortable with the idea of you and their daughter being together at night. You could try to let them get to know you better and perhaps build up some trust.

 

Alternatively, as soon as your girlfriend turns 18, she can legally do whatever she wants, but I think it would be better to gain her parent's approval of the situation than to pull out the big guns and go around them entirely. Some people refuse to change, but I think most people will be reasonable if you can figure out how to relate to them.

 

Good luck.

[BellaDonna]

Basically the deal is that her parents have decided that she is (indefinitely) not permitted to stay over my place, or me over her's.

 

My parents were the same way when I was dating my husband. I had been dating him for 3 years and I was 18 and in college- but they did not want me to stay over his house. I'm not saying your GF should do this- but what I did was just packed my bags and stayed over anyways. I knew I was 18 so they could not call the police, etc. My parents called pissed off and yelling when I stayed the first night- but there was not much they could do that night- because as luck had it- we had a huge snowstorm and it was unsafe to drive home anyways or for them to come pick me up.

 

When I did get home- I got a major lecture- but it sort of broke the ice and they didn't mind if I stayed over his house after that. They did insist I start paying weekly if I was going to use their home "as a hotel" as they put it. So I began paying $50 a week to live at home and have the privlege of sleeping out. After that what I did was stopped helping around the house completely- I told them I was paying to live there so I no longer had to "earn my keep": by doing chores. Whenever they wanted to lecture me- I would also stop them short and tell them since I was paying to live there it was strictly "a business relationship" and the $50 meant I no longer had to listen to them either. Needless to say- that didn't go over well- so they asked that I no longer pay the $50 - and as result I began doing chores again and being civil to them- though I was now allowed to sleep at my BF's house on the weekends. (I was a brat!) I managed to out-psych them- but it took a lot of drama to get there.

 

I fear this may be a battle for you and your GF. Until she's 18 shes does not stand a chance- and even after that it may not be a battle worth fighting.

 

So apart from totally removing any chance of intimacy within the relationship, it also means I have to overcomplicate any eavening activity by making sure she's home, or I'm home under any circumstance.

 

There are ways around that. The intimacy does not have to disappear completely. There are opportunities that will present themselves (without having to spend the night)- and you will know when you can take advantage of them.

 

BellaDonna

[annie24]

LOL bella! If I ever have kids, I'm not letting them take any psych classes! How do they feel about him now?

 

To the original poster - well, your girlfriend isn't an adult, she's 17, so yeah... that's why you're not having an adult relationship. Once you both move out of your homes, you'll be able to spend the night at each other's places.

 

Is she planning on moving out when she is 18? I think that is the best way out of this situation.

[BellaDonna]

How do they feel about him now?

 

 

They love him to pieces now. They never disliked him- they just didn't want me sleeping there. I had been dating him for years before I attempted sleeping over- he had just bought a new home and I wanted to help him with it- etc. I hated driving home late at night too. But they just did not like the idea of me sleeping out. I think they were worried about how others would perceive it.

 

It's something we joke about now. I tell them that he obviously wasn't using me like a call girl if we ended MARRYING one another. But in their defense- they didn't know that back then- and I think they worried about the image of having a daughter that "sleeps over a guy's house".

 

BellaDonna

[now_better]

really depends on how conservative her parents are. i was w/ my g/f for almost 5 yrs, LIVED with her and her parents for 1 yr (4th year we were together) in a separate room. after i moved out, whenever i stayed over, they laid a pillow and blanket on the couch, lol. and she told me that her dad forbid her from staying over at my place overnight... conservative chinese parents. d=

 

i think it makes a big difference how her parents treat her overall. my ex's parents treated her like she was in elementary school.