kicked to the curb after graduating!

[cherriecheek]

hey everyone, i could really use some unbiased advice on this situation.....

 

my story begins at a christmas party roughly a year and a half ago, i initiated the conversation with this guy who after a few months of casual dates and hanging out, he turned into my bf. for the past year and a half, we never had one fight, enjoyed everything from beers to football games and dining out.we enjoyed hanging out with our friends just as much as we enjoyed our alone time. every aspect of the relationship was perfect, we were great friends as we were a couple. he graduated from college in '05 and i graduated this past may. so for my entire senior year, we did the distance thing (4hours). at graduation he bought me a $300 watch and we talked about plans for the rest of the summer. he always reassured his love for me by phone convos on a daily basis, random packages, visits at least twice a month and little facebook messages almost everyday. i never questioned or doubted him.

 

after i graduated, i moved closer to him (the distance now was only about 40 minutes), and about three weeks after i graduated i started noticing changes...

 

it started at the beginning of june, he didnt want to come to my friends grad party with me cause he wanted time alone. i respected this and we just hungout the next day. the nextday he was telling me how much of a funk he was in, that he missed his hometown more, enjoyed his time more alone, didnt feel as social as he used to. he told me that he wasnt the same person i fell in love with in college. then over the course of a few weeks, facebook messages became rare, he either didnt respond to texts or left comments that werent as warm, phone calls werent as long and he seemed less enthused to hang out...

 

at the end of june we had "the talk" he explained how he doesnt get the same excitement to call me after work or the same "spark" to hang out. then his exact words were "im not putting my all into this relationship, i dont think we should date anymore." he told me that i was a great girlfriend and i did nothing wrong and that he loves me but hes not sure if he is in love with me....

 

and with that, i cried, but i never once begged for him to stay with me. I love him so much, that letting him go is the most selfless thing i have ever done for him. so after that, i havent spoke to him for 12 days, the first contact i had with him was this past weekend, we have mutual friends in college, and we both went up to visit. we hung out at the bars and parties etc.., but it seemed as tho he was more standoffish that myself when we would have light convos. im surprised that after seeing him for the first time in two weeks, i didnt cry or talking about us in any way. On sunday, we rode home together because he was helping me move stuff out of my appt. the convos werent too awkard and neither of us tried to hook up. the only thing brought up about the relationship was when he said he didnt regret his decision because he wasnt sure what he wanted or where it was going and he didnt want to string me along.

 

 

i havent seen or spoken to him since sunday, he hasnt even seen me online. keep in mind, im not a physco ex girlfriend who keeps calling and pleaing for him to return. i am the type of girl who never minded if he hung out with his own friends rather than me, i never smother, im easy to talk to and get along with, and i never press the issue of a long term future. i was curious if this sounds like a situation were one day he'll realize he gave up on a good thing? and does this sound like a situation where people generally get back together over time?

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone.

 

It is hard to say if you two will get back together. In general, people don't get back together, and even if you do, you still have to contend with the issues that caused you to break up in the first place.

 

I think your best bet is NC. If he misses you, he may see what he's lost, and then he can decide whether or not he needs you back or not. Mind you, he can miss you, but if he doesn't want to get back together, then there's no point.

 

Did you tell him you didn't want to break up?

 

I think that there is something within him. I don't think that you can do anything to get him back, he has to find that "spark" back within himself. But he might not.

 

I geniunely think that your chances are the best of getting him back if you move on, get involved with your own thing, be happy, etc. I doubt contacting him will help, he has to feel the need to really miss you and he needs to kick himself for letting you go.

 

good luck

[cherriecheek]

not once did i say "i do not want to break up" because i didnt think it would of made a difference.

 

by reading countless posts on here from people who said begging and pleaing didnt help, i figured that wasnt a good road to take.

 

i just dont understand what could change in him so quickly to the point where he felt the need to end a relationship that had nothing to do with a personality clash, fighting or a difference of morals.

[saltwatergirl]

is it possible that he got used to the long distance....having free time to go out with friends, etc., came to like his space and freedom, and now that you have moved back that throws a kink in it all?

 

Salt

[cherriecheek]

that has definitely crossed my mind, but since we dont spend every waking moment together and i still didnt hinder on his plans with others, i doubt that is a reason

[annie24]

yeah, I was thinking that too SWG.

 

I know with my last breakup, I said once, and only once, "I don't want to break up. I'd like us to work things out." He said no, so I said, OK.

 

But yeah, it's pretty hard to say anything at that point of the breakup to make them change their mind. I only said it so that he knew how I felt and that was that.

 

I definitely feel for you. I've been in a lot of relationships with no fighting, drama, but things still end.

 

Are your friends and family taking care of you now?

[cherriecheek]

my fam and friends are definitely listening to me vent and giving their own take on why things ended...

 

some say its due to committment issues, others say hes just not sure what he wants or where our relationship is going...

 

nothing seems to make sense to me, and its hard to look for closure since he "doesnt understand why he feels this way" himself

 

i havent spoken or seen him in a week, and i wonder if he does miss me at all or wonder about the decision he made

[RayKay]

Hey cherrie,

 

Congrats on graduating! Are you working yet or taking some time off?

 

Honestly, it does not seem positive from this angle. That whole part about him just not wanting to put effort into the relationship, or rather that he is not putting his all into it, to me is a big sign that for him, it's over. It would be different if he had said "he wasn't putting enough into it, but really wanted too", but saying "he wasn't, and really did not plan on it" is NOT positive.

 

i just dont understand what could change in him so quickly to the point where he felt the need to end a relationship that had nothing to do with a personality clash, fighting or a difference of morals.

 

I have heard almost exactly the same words myself, and it does suck because it also kinda leaves you in limbo...you are unsure what went on, where it went wrong, what you did. The truth is, he probably thought of this for a LONG time, for a period of time probably believed the feelings would return but ultimately something just told him...no, it was time to end it. It sounds like for him it just wasn't...right. It did not feel right.

 

Anyway, I really think your best bet for yourself is to move forward, and continue your healing process. Your best allies right now are time...and patience with the healing process. Don't worry so much about getting closure from him, because even if he had an answer, to you it would not be closure...closure comes from within. It comes near the end of healing when you realize the past is behind you, you have forgived what happened and put it as part of your life but not your present, and your whole future awaits...and it's all yours to seek and enjoy.

[cherriecheek]

thanks everyone for your advice and support!

 

after graduating i just started to work raykay, and i find myself thinking about him a lot during this time, so this is when i read/post on this page.

 

so far its been over a week of NC and i really dont plan on initiating any contact whatsoever, but if does try to talk to me, i dont plan on ignoring him. i have nothing to say to him at this point. he should know what a good thing he has given up on..maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but my instincts tell me he will. although i am not banking on it and i am doing my best to move on.

 

although i do wonder when people say "i love you but im not sure if im still in love with you".... do they ever realize they are and come back? (im asking this question as general curiosity, not something based on own situation)