Is it EVER possible for the other person to be with affair partner?

[dan39]

Following on from my last post , say if the affair partner wants to leave their current partner for the other person, is it ever possible for it to work out?

 

I know there are lies and trust issues, but is it ever possible to sort these out, rebuild trust and build a relationship from an affair. Is it even worth trying?

[Scotcha]

Well, my husband cheated on me.. Was having both me and his mistress at the same time. When I divorced him he of course stayed with her. They are married now so in that respect, I guess it worked out for them. But he cheats on her too and she doesn't trust him...

 

I guess it is possilbe but in reality I don't think it works out very often at all.

[RuS525]

I totaly agree with scotcha no matter what there are will always be trust issues becuz if she cheated on you with some other guy chances are she'll do the same to that other guy it's just the way it works. That is why ill never date anyone that is known as a cheater especialy if she cheated on a boy friend with me so most likely it wont work unless their willing to throw away trust but to me without trust there is no such thing as a relationship.

[colors]

Well, my husband cheated on me.. Was having both me and his mistress at the same time. When I divorced him he of course stayed with her. They are married now so in that respect, I guess it worked out for them. But he cheats on her too and she doesn't trust him...

 

I guess it is possilbe but in reality I don't think it works out very often at all.

 

Yep I totally see this happening in most cases, can't say all cause I'm sure it's worked for someone.

[Dako]

My sister's ex married the other woman and it's been about 20 years.

A woman I know has been married to the guy she stole for about 10 years. Lots of others come to mind.

 

I don't know how happy they are, They just haven't divorced.

[BillyJean714]

One of my old friends had a sister who got with a married man. You know how office romance works. He cheated on his wife, got with her, married her, has 2 kids with her, and they are still together, 10 years happily married.

 

It can happen. I think that for women who date married men and think that partners will leave their spouses for them, most of the times, if the guy is tied down to his wife either by financial obligations or obligations to kids, most times, he won't leave his wife. For men, vice versa, who think a married woman will leave her spouse as well.

 

I just think it's sad how married people cheat. Either way, my motto is always, "Don't give involved with a married man." What's so hard to understand about that, right? Some people...

[anydaynow]

Sorry for your situation. My current boyfriend spent a 2 years being "the other man" in a triangle. I think it was really hard for him to deal with, being secondary, having to share, and most of all, the secrecy of it all. Anyway, this was when he was in high school, and he is nearing 30 now, so the feelings have run their course and I don't think he is damaged by it. But it must have sucked to have to sit back and watch his sort-of girlfriend and her "real" boyfriend go to prom while he sat alone at home.

 

Back to your question... I think it is possible, but in a relationship with just the two of you, it will take a lot of work to deal with trust issues.

[Scotcha]

You know, I just wanted to add that I wouldn't want to date someone who had a SO. Plain and simple I think cronic cheating is a character flaw, a serious one.

 

I also just read your previous post too and.. I'm sorry you are in this situation but I think your very best bet is to move on. She is sneaky. She is a liar. She is manipulative and untrustworthy. She has no qualms over hurting people who care about her.

[BillyJean714]

Yeah, I wouldn't date anyone who had a S.O. either.

 

You guys have been together a little over a year and a half...I can't believe she's playing you both. If she really wanted to leave him, she would have.

 

Don't be her boy toy. I know it hurts, but I think you should end it just as you stated in your previous post.

[melrich]

It can work and I too have seen it work. But it seems to me that there would always be that question in the back of your mind.

[pagan_unashamed]

I told you already, I don't agree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" theory. It's just not true in all cases.

 

Whether it's worth trying or not has to be up to you. You are the one who knows your heart. It sounds to me like you really do want this woman in your life, not for it to be over.

 

I also disagree with the idea that she would've left him by now if she was going to. Don't bet on it. it's a terrible choice to have to make, and one that doesn't come easily. It means throwing aside everything society tells you is right and deciding to live for yourself by your own rules. She may just be trapped in what she's been told is "right". I'm not saying for sure she'll leave this other guy for you, not trying to give you false hope.

 

All love is a risk, though! I know you initiated the no contact rule, but I don't believe anything can be solved this way. You have to know where she stands. Would you rather wish ten or twenty years down the road that you had found out if she really loves you?

 

The answer is yes, affairs can become meaningful, trusting relationships...but not as long as they remain triangles. Remember, no matter what the world around you says is "right" or "wrong" you have the genuine right to be happy. You just need to decide what really will achieve that and do everything in your power to get there.

 

Keep the faith, dan39...not in god, not in religion, but in yourself and in the pursuit of your own happiness.

[saltwatergirl]

Great post. I agree with everything here 100%.

 

Salt

[dan39]

Thanks again everyone this place is so helpful

[theantibarbie23]

 

All love is a risk, though! I know you initiated the no contact rule, but I don't believe anything can be solved this way. You have to know where she stands. Would you rather wish ten or twenty years down the road that you had found out if she really loves you?

 

Sometimes the only way a person will choose between two people is if one of the two decides to knock the cake eater off the fence. It is obvious she will continue to see both men for as long as she is allowed to get away with it. If he goes NC it could frighten her into thinking she's going to lose him and force her into making a decision.

 

Personally, I wouldn't touch a cake eater with a ten foot pole. Typically, they seem to be extremely selfish individuals with entitlement issues. It doesn't sound like this woman give a crap about ethier of these men. You should cut your losses and find someone who doesn't have this much baggage. Course that's just my humble opinion.

[dan39]

right an update on the sitaution (for those that are still interested!). she wants to meet up with me after she comes back off holiday whilst STILL WITH her partner. she said this is because she can't just cut him off after 6 years, she needs to talk with me first about how things would work out. am i being stubborn in insisting that she is single before i meet her again, or is it reasonable for her to wanna have a chat before she 'makes her mind up' i guess. im stuck what to do.

 

theantibarbie your 'humble opinion' is valued, thanks. its just sometimes u feel u need to learn for yourself, and i *could* be throwing something good away here (even though its unlikely i guess)

[theantibarbie23]

The only other piece of advice I can give you is to look at her actions NOT her words. She might offer you the stars and the moon in order to string you along further. She is a liar and as such you would be foolish to believe anything she says at face value.

 

Asking for more time to end things with him is an extremely common ploy used by cake eaters. They seem to continously come up with excuses time and time again as to why they can't end things right now. Just remember that people will move mountains to be with someone they truly love.

 

link removed has an other man/other woman forum. It might be helpful to talk to some of the folks there who have been exactly where you are now.

[pagan_unashamed]

Hey, still here and still interested! I know this back and forth game of hers is really getting to you, but stay with it. She's confused; I really don't think she's trying to play both sides of the fence to be petty and cruel. But it's a really tough choice to try and make. And even once she's made it, she has to leap and go through with it and put any possibility of the other man out of her mind. It's a pretty daunting prospect to make a decision of that magnitude that you'll never be able to go back and redo.

 

The antibarbie (like the name btw ) thinks she's playing you both for all your worth...it IS possible, I won't deny it. There are women out there with no remorse for holding two men until she has gotten everything she wants from them both. But I was the cake eater at one point. I was married for almost two years when I met and fell in love with another man. It wasn't in the plan, and it certainly wasn't because I wanted to string them both along, but I waivered for quite some time. Do I stay with a safe, steady relationship (marriage) in which I am content, or do I risk losing that level of happiness for the possibility of something far greater? Granted, in that situation there are a number of uncontrollable factors, and failure is a possibility. That is what makes the choice so hard...she may be afraid of losing you both in the deal.

 

My advice: don't push her. Let her know the decision is hers alone to make, and that you won't try to force her one way or the other. If she feels pressured she might run the other direction. If she wants to talk, allow her to talk, but make sure she understands that you won't even entertain the idea of a relationship until she is single. You are an honorable man and you need to stick to your guns; no more affair. If she wants you then it's only you.