2nd breakup... loves me but thinks we are not good

[r3drobin]

i have to say if any of my boyfriends ever called me a B during an argument... it usually turned into s*x... is that bad? LOL... i guess that just shows everyone is different. i prefer to end an argument with a good shag... and no, i'm not kidding. its a good release... especially when youre not getting anywhere with the argument and its over something petty. (dont get me wrong, if it was an important serious argument...of course not)

[Belle]

you've never gotten in a fight with someone you love? never told him that they are being "stupid/retarded?"

 

 

When you get tired of this type of drama and relationships leading nowhere due to lack of trust, you'll realize that disrespect during argument isn't a good thing. It doesn't matter how much chemistry it lends to a relationship (which I'll concede it does). At the end of the day you guys are going to go your separate ways because you can't trust each other when you're cussing each other out and disrespecting them.

 

It's scary. My ex actually seemed turned on when I finally told him off the last time. Me, I like it simple. No cussing, no name calling. That's the only thing that has worked in teh past for me. Although I'd love to have the chance to tell him what a ja... i think he is.

[super ian]

one more thing, I understand your point about that when people get in arguments, you need a certain maturity or intelligence to refrain from using the words " * * * * * or stupid or retard"

 

Clearly I will not use those words when I am having an interesting discussion with a professor or my boss at work or whatever.

 

But when these words are used so often in our lives, with our friends, (i guess its a guy thing mostly) and then you become very comfortable with the girl you love, you just naturally start using these words.

 

It has nothing to do with maturity I think. I am completely able to have a heated debate with her in public about a controversial topic without using those words.

 

You also failed to see the point that she uses those words to me as well, and we now just both respond to eachother with them, just because we are now comfortable using them.

[super ian]

REPLY TO: i have to say if any of my boyfriends ever called me a B during an argument... it usually turned into s*x... is that bad? LOL... i guess that just shows everyone is different. i prefer to end an argument with a good shag... and no, i'm not kidding. its a good release... especially when youre not getting anywhere with the argument and its over something petty. (dont get me wrong, if it was an important serious argument...of course not)

 

 

r3drobin, i just cant wait to find a girl like you!! laid back, easy going... dismisses petty arguments with a quick shag.... wow!!

 

omg my ex would just sulk and tell me she cant take these petty arguments "people who love eachother shouldnt get in these stupid fights!"

 

lol and then there would be no sex for a day or two.

 

yup... i need a girl with the same attitude like yourself

[r3drobin]

hahaha... well, thats just me. obviously its not majority with women...lol

 

you never said how old you are?

[super ian]

Oh sorry, im 24. And still not over her... but I guess I need to accept that some girls just deal with arguments/stress differently, also have different expectations, and consider some things respectful and other things disrespectful.

 

I guess I just have to realize that we were not compatible... I have to stop fooling myself that the petty fighting would end (it never bothered me, only her) and I have to stop fooling myself that either of us would change.

 

Heres another one, do people change? hahah most cliche question ever

[blindreepr]

 

Heres another one, do people change? hahah most cliche question ever

 

People change for themselves. It's hard to make someone change for someone else.

[r3drobin]

agreed... people SHOULD change for themselves. the ones that change for someone else... are not doing either person any good.

[super ian]

At the end of the day you guys are going to go your separate ways because you can't trust each other when you're cussing each other out and disrespecting them.

 

Thats why she says it will never work; why she is 100% done.

Who knows, maybe you are right. Maybe its not a way to have a relationship. All I know is that i've never been that impatient and hot blooded with anyone else in my life... we just get under eachothers skin so to speak. So why cant I convince myself that this is just poison? Why do I accept the fights and not have problems with them?

 

Side note, the reason I wanted to break up with her was not due to the fighting, but mostly because of her response to the fighting.... she was depressed... upset... sad... lowered interested in sex.... not happy with me.... i cant go on with someone like that.

[r3drobin]

"Side note, the reason I wanted to break up with her was not due to the fighting, but mostly because of her response to the fighting.... she was depressed... upset... sad... lowered interested in sex.... not happy with me.... i cant go on with someone like that."

 

sounds like she cant either.

[Belle]

She's not happy because you guys are fighting. There are negative consequences to battling someone your'e supposed to love all of the tiem. It's a horrible roller coaster ride. You said it doesn't bother you as much but it clearly bothered her.

 

It does take 2 to fight. I'll acknowledge that. But it takes one to change the patterns. You don't find anything wrong with the hitting below the belt kind of fighting and she does. So it would have to be you to take the initiative to try to calm the course.

 

One person's reaction or lack thereof is enough to change the dynamics in a relationship. It's hard to take on that kind of responsibility but if you want something to last, I think it's a good time to look into it.

[super ian]

So... it cant be fixed??

 

We both love eachother, i finally see what was ruining our relationship, i told her all this, but she refuses to even try to fix it.

 

Plus there was no real warning... no real "If we dont stop these petty fights, its over"... although there were signs, if you read my first post I was clearly blind to these signs.

[r3drobin]

sometimes it is just too late ya know. too little too late. too much water under the bridge. when someone lets go there is usually little you can do about it.

 

at least thats what my ex is telling me.

[saltwatergirl]

So... it cant be fixed??

 

I definitely think it can be fixed.

 

She's told you she doesn't like it. She doesnt like the fighting, name calling, and what have you. Now, you can either sit there and consider that to be ridiculous, laugh about it with the boys, and be alone....or you can say okay how can I handle this so that she is happier, so that we fight less, etc........and have the chance to be with her again.

 

But, do you really think you'd be more compatible with someone of a different type---you posted a few posts up something like "I need to find a girl like you (not directed toward me LOL someone else, anyway..) if that's true, and that's not your ex, then just keep movin on.

 

Male ego aside, how do you REALLY feel about her, and are you willing to make changes to make it work? Is she? Or is she just not your type? Proceed from there.

 

Remember: Bad fighting is like a bank withdrawal. Good days are like deposits. Sooner or later, if you withdraw more than you deposit, you're overdrawn. Shagging or not.

 

Salt

[super ian]

Male ego aside, how do you REALLY feel about her, and are you willing to make changes to make it work?

 

yes. 100%. willing to do everything for one more try. Right now, I would rather have one more try and end in agony than always wonder if she was really the one.

 

Is she?

 

At this point, thats a big HELL NO. shes done, given up on this for good. (so she says)

 

Or is she just not your type? Proceed from there.

 

This I will never know unless we give it another shot, no?

[saltwatergirl]

If my girlfriend EVER called me "condescending" instead of calling me "stupid" while hot blooded, which do you think I would take more to heart? I know im not stupid, and I know she doesnt think I am. Why would I take offence to that? However calling someone condescending implies a that certain thought evoked one to actually use that word; he or she actually believes that.

 

Why, because it has more syllables?

 

I have talked to a couple girls who are dating my best friends, girls that have absolutely no problem when their guy calls them a " * * * * *"... they just dish it back

 

Unfortunately, you aren't dating them.

 

Maybe you are just too insecure and whenever someone says something in an argument you take every word to heart.

 

It is actually just the opposite: it is because of my level of security that I refuse to deal with it. Don't have to.

 

PS: I think this side-topic is interesting, too. Now back to your situation...unless you have any more comments about this, and if so feel free. It's entertaining .

 

Salt

[super ian]

She kept thinking that the namecalling was because I dont care about her, dont respect her. I told her this is bullsh*t.

 

She still remains extremely upset because I still dont see how/why that can bother her. My response every time is, "I dont know, it doesnt bother me, I've talked to other girls about it and for some of them it doesnt bother them either"

 

I told her that I love her, and finally understand that it bothers her, and I will change.

 

Her response: "Thats not good enough. You shouldnt change because you know it hurts or because I am telling you to stop. You should change because you know its just wrong."

 

She says I will truly never get it unless I see that its wrong and completely unacceptable in any circumstance.

 

But of course, she fails to see the double standard that she has created. She has never stopped swearing at me. She swears more than me, she'll be the first to admit it... but does it bother me? no.

[saltwatergirl]

This I will never know unless we give it another shot, no?

 

Agreed. You're young, throw caution to the wind. So, all you need now is a game plan. Strategy. Let's think it through, not just jump right into something drastic and crazy (like obsessive calling, sobbing emails, and the like).

 

We'll think some on it. When was the final "100% done with you" speech made by her? What was your response? This came with no warning so, it's possibe that it was a knee-jerk reaction or bottled up emotions flooding on you. Let's be optimistic for now while we see if we can salvage it.

 

Salt

[super ian]

About the word "respect"

 

I respect my parents and have NEVER uttered a swear word to them, nor called them stupid or dumb. But I do consider them as my equal? No.

 

I dont think *respect* is a good word to describe your attitude with your girlfriend. Equality is better.

 

You respect authority, you respect rules, you respect the elderly, you respect your parents... somewhat *sacred* establishments.

 

Your girlfriend? thats not respect... that should be someone that is your equal, your best friend.... someone who should just be able to be yourself with, not have to restrain your behaviour for *respect*

 

i dont know the connotations of respect just dont do it for me.... respect implies a sense of restrain...

[super ian]

gee that made me feel better.. thx!

actually i gave you a very short version. he cant and hasnt said he doesnt love me...in fact he says the opposite. he loves me... i'm harder to get over than his marriage, he will always love me, etc... he just doesnt want to work it out... he has said the words, "its too hard". he is giving up. and believe me, just because i dont have a choice here...doesnt mean its any easier.

 

Sorry for the delay about this reply, but I wanted to add that I dont think he truly loves you if he is able to do what he did. All he did was jack you around for the last few weeks.... make you get hurt even more.

 

Although i'm not one to talk because I claim to love my ex and I also caused her a lot of pain... and didnt even realize it until it was over.

[saltwatergirl]

She kept thinking that the namecalling was because I dont care about her, dont respect her. I told her this is bullsh*t.

 

Lawd, we have work to do here. LOL

 

Her response: "Thats not good enough. You shouldnt change because you know it hurts or because I am telling you to stop. You should change because you know its just wrong." She says I will never truly get it unless I see that its wrong and completely unacceptable in any circumstance

 

May have to fake this. With time and work you may COME too see these things for yourself, but for initial purposes you may have to use "forced understanding" here and fake it. After all, I dont see why she says that. If you are willing to do it for HER and for the relationship, what the h#ll difference does it make if you believe in it? Im sure you don't believe in lots of other things you do for her as well, but you do it b/c it's expected from you, and vice versa. You are compromising not performing a labotomy. But anyway...more on that later.

 

As for her, yes her participation in these fights, and the level to which they escalate, has to also change. You cant do it all. Have you pointed that out to her? Maybe she thinks since you are ok with it she has free reign. In that case, turn the tables on her. Say something like, you know what you are right and it DOES bother me when you cuss at me, I see now how it really devalues a person and I have felt disrespected many times as well...how YOU are just as offended as she is, so she has to stop as well. Plus, that leads in to the whole "faked understanding' discussed earlier.

 

Keep in mind, it is easy for some who are NOT the type to cuss, yell, etc. to get that way when dealing with one who is. Like it rubs off or something. The one who is not that way ends up really resenting that. "Youve turned me into a big screaming cussing mess of a girl!!" So, Im sure if your approach changes, hers will follow.

 

Salt

[saltwatergirl]

About the word "respect"

 

I respect my parents and have NEVER uttered a swear word to them, nor called them stupid or dumb. But I do consider them as my equal? No.

 

I dont think *respect* is a good word to describe your attitude with your girlfriend. Equality is better.

 

You respect authority, you respect rules, you respect the elderly, you respect your parents... somewhat *sacred* establishments.

 

Your girlfriend? thats not respect... that should be someone that is your equal, your best friend.... someone who should just be able to be yourself with, not have to restrain your behaviour for *respect*

 

i dont know the connotations of respect just dont do it for me.... respect implies a sense of restrain...

 

Rules? Parents? Authority? So you respect things that have some form of control over you, but everything else is "equal". Showing respect for her would be giving up control? Putting her in control of you? Make you feel......weak? Beneath her? wimpy?

 

The things you listed are things you are SUBORDINATE to. That isn't the same thing as RESPECTFUL of. See if you can tell the difference.

 

Here is Webster's definition of respect:

Willingness to show consideration or appreciation. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem; appreciation; care.

I might add: being sensitive to her needs and feelings (blahhhh I know you hate that. But, it's part of it).

 

See, it's not so bad. Acceptance. Showing care. (2 things she wants)

 

Now, here is the definition of Subordinate:

Belonging to a lower or inferior class or rank; secondary. Subject to the authority or control of another.

 

see how majorly different? Do you think you have these 2 meanings mixed up? not literally because I know you aren't "stupid", but that maybe you view them as one in the same, and they aren't. If so, maybe it would cause you less distress to be 'respectful' if you keep it separate from 'subordinate', because they really are not even in the same league.

You respect each other; you aren't subordinate to each other.

 

How's that?

 

Salt

[super ian]

heheh i love the way you left out the other definitions of respect, just to prove your point:

 

From link removed:

 

1 To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.

2 To avoid violation of or interference with:

3 To relate or refer to; concern.

 

My points were related to the 1st and 2nd definitions of RESPECT... without even needing to look up the definition I said that the connotation of respect implied a sense of restrain. Well I guess the connotation turns out to be more of a denotation as that is the way the word is actually defined.

 

Oh ya and the parents/elderly/authority actually had absolutely nothing to do with any type of caste or ordination.

[saltwatergirl]

Actually Ian I included those same definitions in my post. The only term missing was avoid violation and that is covered under differential regard; why duplicate. I dont see the word restraint listed anywhere. I'm not sure what you're reading.

 

I honestly was trying to help.

 

Salt

[super ian]

Maybe she thinks since you are ok with it she has free reign. In that case, turn the tables on her. Say something like, you know what you are right and it DOES bother me when you cuss at me, I see now how it really devalues a person and I have felt disrespected many times as well...how YOU are just as offended as she is, so she has to stop as well. Salt

 

Thats a very good point and never thought of that before. Whenever she told me was unhappy my responses were either 1) I dont care, it doesnt bother me, so deal with it.... 2) if you are so unhappy why dont u leave... and then eventually... 3) Im not going to wait until you breakup up with me because of your unhappiness, we are done, I want to break up.

 

damn its so simple, all i had to do was to say "yes i agree it bothers me as well and we should both change"

 

thats a very good point

 

EDIT: It might seem like I was an a**hole by using options 1,2,3, but if you read the whole story again you'll understand that I was blind, didnt even know that I wanted her, didnt take her back after the first breakup 100%, was still very insecure about myself because she might leave again.