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The one that held you before


Just to think of her grieves

And hurts

And I expel the pain physically, almost as though I am possessed.

It's the fleeting thoughts and feelings and realisations

They tear at my abdomen and burn my insides

I ache to be free and no amount of talking or reassurance

Seeks to dissolve the image or the pedestal

Her name like a dirty word, or a stain that stabs when falling from your lips

The lips that I kiss so frequently and adore

The lips that she once kissed and from which you spoke those words

I wish to erase her, from your mind, from life

From existence

I ache to know everything about her

And that which I know I wish I did not

I want to put my hands inside of myself and tear out the memories of the conversations we've had

So that I never heard her name, or of the love you once felt.

I had love myself and I pained at its loss

And I dreamt of winning back that which was lost

So I know of that love and of that pain

And of a past that remains but is also paled and insignificant

I know that I love you in the most intense way I ever loved anybody

And I adore the very ground you walk on

I look at you and I hope and I wish for my future with you

You are all that I wished for and want

you embody all that I need

I seek only to erase both our pasts so that we may live as each other's first

But alas!

Or at least live as each other's last…

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Thank you very much for your nice comments.


Yeah I have been struggling with the old jealousy of the ex stuff with my boyfriend and we had a big conversation about it and he kept reassuring me that he adores me and thats his past and I said to him "no amount of reasuring seems to erase the pedestal I have her on.." I know its ridiculous but I came i work and I sat at my desk and I wrote a few poems and they took seconds to write, it was all the rubbish thats inside me puring out:


I went through something similar with an ex years ago who was still inlove with his ex and ultimately left me for her and i wrote this around that time:


Not Her

I exist in the shadow of another woman

Striving for perfection at the expense of my self respect

Close to tears, aching to breathe, holding my stomach

Shaking my head and swearing to myself

Hating myself, yet not wanting to give up

Ignoring my own better judgement

for the sake of being shallow

Do I lust or love or simply long for the

latter and so obsess with the idea?

Gazing into the future ignoring the present

In a prison of the past,

your past.

I'm unable to break through

I stand outside your wall banging my fists in frustration

Asking and begging for you to love me and you just look

And when you do look at me, is all that you see,

that I am not her?

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