In Love With Best Friend Dilemma

[avoj]

This seems to be a recurring theme, "I am in love with my best friend." Well folks I am in the same situation. Let me tell you all my story. How it left me broken hearted and feeling like a big piece of loser ****.

 

I have been in love with her since December. We have known each other for almost a year. Became very close friends, emotionally, together all of the time.

She was in a rebound relationship until March. Was in a 3.5 year relationship with an abusive, nasty, ugly person before the rebound. This person did not deserve her. 2 months later she jumped into another relationship that lasted until March. I can remember her calling me on the phone and saying I am going to breaking it off with my current partner. How would so & so feel about you dating around? That same night we slept together for the first time. Same thing happened the next night.

 

After that we both admitted having feelings for each other. She made it clear she didn't want to jump into anything with me b/c she needed to work out all of her problems that she never correctly dealt with from her abusive relationship she was in (before the rebound.) She didn't want me to be a fling. She was jealous of the girl I was going out with, she did admit that.

Maybe in a few months if we both feel the same we can see what happens.

Pfftt... so yes boys & girls I held my damned breath since March for her. I was there for her emotionally. Would freakin chop off my arms & legs for her if I had to.

 

She even told me at one point if I start seeing someone and she is ready she will tell the * * * * * to back off of me. One minute she would tell me we would never happen b/c we are better as friends, next minute she would say you have no ideal how i feel about you and I dont want to.

 

She sent lots of mixed signals. One night she asked me if I wanted to come in and cuddle with her back in April. Which I did. We ended up having sex again.

Finally I asked her again if we could take the friendship to another level. She said no. I can't ask her of this right now b/c she has to much **** to deal with and isn't ready. she doesn't want to be with anyone right now, ect. She doesnt want to lead me on.

 

In May she invited me over to watch movies, ect. We got a lil drunk and I told her that I am madly in love with her. She asked me why I like her so much besides looks. She told me she doesnt want a serious relationship. Said we really connect. We had sex again.

 

She and I would talk all the time on the phone. Her calling me. I never called her. She always seems to compare me to her abusive ex. Not in a bad way, but more like "you will sit down and talk to me about a problem, but my ex wouldnt, ect."

Wanna hear about mixed signals? She told me on the phone thanks for not pressuring me like my ex does (rebound ex). She also would say stuff like if you like me now you will like me even more after i get therapy, or maybe you just like crazy girls.

Oh even better. You have a decent job. Are stable and can keep a job, own your own home, ect.

 

Well because of the abusive ex & finacial problems she has moved in with me. We had it out before she moved in. I brought up that I am madly in lvoe with her again in June. She told me we and I had sex when we were drunk and basically it meant nothing. She wants a fling, that we were not a fling. that she doesnt want to be monogamous. that she never chased me i chased her and that i never listened to her when she told me she didnt want me. that we connect as friends. she and i will never happen. that we shouldnt get drunk and mess around anymore. she also said that people say things they dont mean when they are drunk.so everything she said to me about liking me & the sex meant nothing & were all lies. she said lots of hurtful things. she even told me you had hope in a very mean way. she told me she doesnt date her friends and if i was her friend i would want to date her.

 

so now she is living with me. we get along. i still harbor these feelings for her. her smile & laugh makes me melt. it hurts b/c we would have made a great team. we connect in everyway possible. i fell in love with her as a person. she is beautiful on the inside as well as the outside.

but i hurt so bad on the inside. i feel rotten. i feel stupid b/c i trusted in everything she said. i hung on to her words. It sucks b/c she made me feel like I just am not good enough for her.

 

My advice is don't mess around or fall in love with your friends. I've been hurt so badly. Also I am in love with someone who will never be with me. What hurts the most is she says to me she wants to date around, but won't date me. So of course I look at myself and wonder what is wrong with me. I am everything she is looking for, plus more. I guess she has the grass is greener on the other side syndrome.

[Lykke 32]

Hi avoj,

 

sorry about your situation. I can imagine very well, how hurtful it is for you.

 

I don´t know, what her reasons are to treat you like that. Maybe she´s not over her ex, maybe she´s confused, maybe she is just playing games with you.... But it doesn´t really matter, what the reason is, ´cause in the end it´s you, who´s hurting...

 

I would really recommend not to live with her. Living with her is not gonna change this whole situation. I think, you need at least distance from her. I would try to explain her, that you can´t live with her, because it´s hurting you and that you need time to get over the feelings for her. I would ask her to move out. Just imagine, when she is gonna start to date someone. It´s gonna be really hurtful for you to witness that... Besides it´s gonna give you a space to think about it more clearly, if she moves...

 

I know, you´re hoping, that she´s gonna change her mind and be your gf. But my personal opinion is, she is not the one for you. She has changed her mind often, kept you in a false hope for some time, hold you back from your possible date, had sex with you and then backed off..... It´s very bad treatment from her, especially, when she knows exactly, how you feel about her...

 

She told you already, that you and her would never happen. I know, it hurts... But I guess, you must try to accept it and move on.....

 

It must be enormously difficult for you to live with her....Take really good care of yourself!

[avoj]

thanks for the reply. she has already moved in with me and i enjoy her company immensley. i do not have hopes for any kind of future g/f thing with her. i know it will never happen. she made that very very clear.

 

as that old saying goes if you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be. well in this case it will never come back.

also i am trying to date. it's very difficult to meet people. after this whole thing with my friend i have become very insecure, distrustful, disheartened, no self-esteem, i feel very very unattractive, you name it.

[Cadence308]

Hi, I remember your story. Allowing her to live with you is only going to cause you more pain. You need some space and some distance from her. She is consuming you and taking everything that you have to offer and giving you nothing in return, but a broken heart.

 

The only way that it will be possible for you to move on is to create some space and boundaries with her. She knows how you feel about her, yet she had sex with you on multiple occasions, led you into believing that she was attracted to you, moves in with you, and tells you that she will never be with you.

 

I'm sorry, but she sounds emotionally immature and like a very dysfunctional woman. I think you can do better than her. I think you can find someone who has her poop in a group who will respect you for the woman that you are and not take advantage of your kindness and resources (i.e., housing arrangements). You are giving her all of your power and she is taking it. It is going to kill you when she starts dating someone else.

 

I think you know what you need to do, but just need to muster the courage to do it!

[Tigris]

I agree with Ballys you two living together is going to cause more problems when she starts to date. For your sanity you've got to ask her to move out.

[NKP]

I think she is just using you, but give it time you will find someone soon who loves you and you love em back