confused

[sokolm]

Well, I don't know how to start. I am for about 8 years with my boyfriend and the situation is really horrible now. I must say that I still love him, but I can't stand his behaviour anymore. He is jelous and controlling etc. That means that I am not allowed to speak with other male person and he also dislike some women (that would mean that I am homosexual too, BUT I AM NOT). I had a work that includes some traveling. And I payed for each travel with a lot of quarrel, I heard a lot of bad words on my account and I was always accused of cheating him (I NEVER DID). Somehow I realized that I must say to him that it's awful on the journey (EVEN THOUGH I LIKE IT)... that way I was excused, and my firm was guilty of everything. He also did the things with cloths...what to wear and what not. Each time I bought something for me, he protested. How could I be so selfish. And for everything that went wrong I was guilty. EVERYTHING.

He is also controlling my phonecalls, regularly checking my e-mail, SMS and everything that he can. He don't trust me at all.

Recently I was ill, with a rather bad prognosis, but somehow I was lucky and everything is OK now. And after all this months of suffering I want to give my self a holiday somewhere near the sea with my sister and her husband. His last accusation is: if you go on this holidays, I will break up with you. He was nasty and he even hit me and made me feel guilty (for holidays and a lot of other things) and he told me that I am selfish....He said that he felt terrible as long as I was in Hospital, but he didn't come to visit me until now (is't one month since I came out the hospital). Since he lives in another town now, he expect that I should go with him now and not to the holidays that i want.

Sometimes I want to break up with him (I am affraid of the anger of saying that to him). But after every single quarrel I end up examining myself: Am I right, am I selfish, What if he is right .... The last sentence drives me crazy and I don't know what to do or think anymore. I need help!!!!

[sumguy]

Welcome to eNotalone =)

 

It sounds like he has some issues, perhaps you should get him to see someone professional. This sounds a little more than just plain jealousy, this sounds like it's bordering on abuse =/

 

I'm a huge fan of talking, have you talked to him about how he's acting and how it makes you feel?

 

btw, hitting is out of the question. >=/, that alone makes me think it's something a little more than jealousy.

[sokolm]

Well. YES. I told him that he has some issues. But he don't want to accept it. He is always right. And he thinks that I am the one that have problems. I like learn, to read, to travel, movies, like to be with my friends, I know a lot about computers so I often repair sth. I am never bored. He is always bored. He does not like to do anything (except eating food and s-thing). Ok. We are not the same, I don't even want us to be the same. And if I respect his wished, I think he should respect mine.

I tried to talk to him, and I said him that we have a problem with the communication. Whenever there is something I need to tell him, I am afraid and I regulary wait for the best moment (when he is in a good mood). Because he is always angry on my wants and needs if don't like it. And then he is yelling on me and at the end, I end up feeling guilty for having my wants and needs. Could I really be always guilty?

[voltaire]

This guy is crazy and potentially dangerous. PLEASE GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP WHILE YOU ARE STILL ALIVE. You are not being selfish - you are doing everything to please a madman. You will end up mad yourself or maybe even dead.

[PRSOV]

He needs professional help, he has a lot of insecurities which are causing his problems. He is starting to get violent, which you should not tolerate... Make him well aware of this and that you will not be putting up with it anymore.

 

I am not going to give you my opinion on whether to leave him or not, that is your decision and yours only. Please be careful when you do, you have been together eight years and only you know what the relationship has been like.

 

Do not put up with his abuse because of insecurities, live your life and enjoy it. If you want to go away with your sister and relatives then you should be able to do it without being labelled a 'cheater', that is just plain childish.

 

You are your number one priority in this situation, we are always here to support you.

 

PR

[KuteKate_99]

Why do you want to pay debt you don't owe? And I don't mean money. Get away from him now or suffer the stitches later. I know, I had to take seven stitches in my head before I walked away from my ex husband of 20 years.

[sokolm]

I don't know why am I paying debt, but sometimes i do feel like that.

The problem is that each time I come to decision to end the relationship, he somehow feels that and change his behaviour. Then he is gentle and nice, and afraid of what will happen I just leave it that way.

But, now it's too much for me and I do need to change it.

I can't live in such a life-scenario any more.

However, I am not sure is he acting or is he really that violent. And what could actually happen if I tell him that it's over.

I don't want stiches. All I want is to be happy. And if we can't be happy togehter, how am I gonna do it?

I hoped that he would find his soulmate (we are separated for several months because of his job), but he didn't find anyone (as far as I know).

I don't know what to do.

My mind has decided long time ago, and my heart is now aware what I should do. The only problem now is: HOW?