Have I been looking at this the wrong way the entire time?

[blindreepr]

I was looking back at some of the past letters that my ex sent me the first week of our break up and came accross this....

 

"Ok. If you don't think I miss you, youre wrong. Im miss you terribly. The decision I made to break up with you wasn't easy for me. As much as I love you, I had to do it. For me.

I am so proud of you for how far you have come with being more of a postitive person. But, as far as you have come, it is not enough for me. You are a wonderful, smart, hard-working person. Even though you have been working so very hard to change, I still feel unhappy.....I feel like I've lost myself. I havent played the piano or sang in such a long time. I used to do that all the time. I guess I am just saying that our lives are not really mixing too well. I think that I need to regain all the confidence that I have lost or never even had so im less dependant. And that you need to learn to appreciate more things around you and to show it. I don't think that either of us are fit for a relationship right now. I want to you to heal. I want you to get over me and grow. I dont want to drag you around getting your hopes up. I'm not sure where things are really going in my life.

 

with love and hope,

 

xxxx"

 

 

Now instead of trying to over analyze the situation like I have been, maybe this really WAS the reason for the breakup. Sure there was another guy in background, and lots of stress from our crappy roommates, and a whole multitude of other reasons, but maybe this is the real reason for the breakup. Why didn't I accept this when she gave it to me?

 

Instead of thinking that she broke up with me to do all the things she is doing right now, drinking, smoking cigs and weed, casual sex, friends with benefits, parties, etc. Maybe she didnt break up with me to do all that, but is doing that as an escape because of the pain of breaking up with me. Either way it only goes to reinforce my choice of sticking to NC. That way she will have to confront her decision sooner or later. But does this make sense to anyone else? Or am I just over analyzing the situation even more than I was in the beginning?

[iceman85]

I dont know man, I think its very possible that the new lifestyle of your girl could be to hide inner pain. I wish I knew the answer here because your situation sounds exactly like mine.

 

I think me and my ex got lost in each other and our lives werent advancing or even being like they were before. So I think thats a legitamte reason.

 

The one thing I just dont get is that if they want to get their lives back on track, why do they do all the * * * *tiest of things? The casual hookups, the drinking, smoking and all of that.

 

If you figure out why please let me know cause like I said my situations similar and i've been scratching my head too. I'm really looking forward to seeing what others have to say.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Her letter sounded pretty sincere and honest. I would be inclined to take it at face value, not knowing any other details about your relationship.

[melrich]

Reading your exes letter I would summarise it by saying she wanted her independence back. She felt she was losing herself in the relationship.

 

She seems to be doing what a lot of people do when they get out of a long relationship, probably over compensating.

[Aurian]

Me too. The things she did may have simply been ways to try cope. Some people don't have very good ways to dealing with feelings, so they try hide them with crap like casual hookups, addictions, etc. Hell, maybe that's why I'm spamming here

 

Stick with the NC, and accept that she is putting her life back on track (sounds like she realized something).

[blindreepr]

The one thing I just dont get is that if they want to get their lives back on track, why do they do all the * * * *tiest of things? The casual hookups, the drinking, smoking and all of that.

 

I wish I knew. It's almost like she is doing everything that she knows that I would look down on, like she is trying to push me away. I know that she told me that sometimes she looked at me as a father figure sometimes, maybe this is her way of "rebelling" against me? But truly, I have NO IDEA why they do that. It's any easy way to kill the pain of a breakup I guess, but you can only do it for so long before it comes back to bite you in the butt.

[Aurian]

I was tempted to buy a goldfish just because my ex hated fish I'm guessing some people just have lower impulse control. It could very well be rebellion. Its like shouting, "I am no longer with this person, I can now do the things that p*ss them off!"

[blindreepr]

I just wish her rebellion wasnt such risk taking behavior, I'd hate to see her get hurt or worse. But there's nothing I can do to change it, the more I would push against what she is doing now, the more she would want to do it. It's almost like a little kid that wants to touch the stove, sometimes you have to let them touch it before they learn it will hurt them. I wish it didnt have to be that way though.

[melrich]

maybe this is her way of "rebelling" against me?

 

I really think you would be better off not viewing her behaviour now as somehow having yourself at the focus or your relationship at the focus.

 

In my experience her feeling at the moment will be one of freedom and she will pushing that to the max. She will probably get bored of it and probably move back to being more the type of person you knew but her behaviour right now is pretty typical in my experience.

 

I think that if you continue to try and find her motivations for her behaviour (particularly trying to connect it with your break up) then you will continue to box at shadows and that is not helping you at all.

[blindreepr]

I think that if you continue to try and find her motivations for her behaviour (particularly trying to connect it with your break up) then you will continue to box at shadows and that is not helping you at all.

 

you're right. my main concern should be on improving myself and sticking to NC. thinking over and over and over about what went wrong, and whats going on is going to get me no where. NC is the only way I will improve myself, heal and move on. Even if I figure everything out, it wont change the fact that we are broken up and it wont change her behavior.

[Aurian]

Yes, its natural to still care for her, but care for yourself as well. Sounds like an excellent plan. Go for it!

[melrich]

That's right I think. And you may never figure it out. Often the person doing the break up themselves doesn't know why they are doing it. It's just something they feel.

[Dako]

Maybe her current behavior is about her, and not you.

You seem to be reading so much into what she does in relation to you, but you don't seem to like her any more. Focusing on yourself is the whole point of NC. Are you fooling yourself, and really pining for her return so you can get the last laugh?

 

Time to move on.

[blindreepr]

Maybe her current behavior is about her, and not you.

You seem to be reading so much into what she does in relation to you, but you don't seem to like her any more.

 

Maybe I want her behavior to be about me and not her so that I can take the blame? Or maybe I dont want to believe that this is who she really is?

 

but you don't seem to like her any more.

 

I dont like what she has become, I wont argue that. Would I be willing to forgive her if she came back? Yes, she forgave me for stuff I did that there is no way she should have forgiven me for it. She deserves the same treatment she gave me.

 

Are you fooling yourself, and really pining for her return so you can get the last laugh?

 

If she returned the last thing I would do is laugh and send her away. If she had the courage to return and say she made a mistake I would probably take her back in an instant. We would definitely need to sit down and have a serious discussion, not one of putting her down or demeaning her, but one of deciding what we need to do to fix us so that this never happened again.

 

Focusing on yourself is the whole point of NC.

 

That is what I am trying to do right now. I have been working out, buying new clothes, trying to expand my horizons and meet new people. Heck I even got my first tattoo the other day. I am doing things that I wouldnt of normally done when I was comfortable and in a relationship. I am trying to expand my comfort zone and create a better me in the process.

 

Time to move on.

 

I'm doing my best, its only been 6 weeks, there are people here who were still begging for their ex's back 6 weeks from the break up, I stopped that after 1 week. I think I am doing ok atleast.

[iceman85]

Wow blind your story sounds alot like mine. Yeah i'm doing NC right now, only 5 days though, we were still in contact and i just saw her last week. Shes not the girl I loved and it sucks. I hate what shes doing.

 

I feel the same way as you. I care for her so much and hate the fact that she may be getting hurt and used or whatever, because I would never want anything but good for her.

 

I'm probably about 5 weeks from my breakup and I thought that I could get her to come back but evidently no, so i'm doing my best to move on, i'm dating, im being myself again, i'm getting new clothes, doing new things, getting closer with my friends, reading good books.

 

I feel like you though blind, if she came back to me and told me she made a mistake, that she loved me and she wanted to work it out, I would be a sucker and be back with her without much thought.

[Dako]

Sorry if my questions seemed harsh, but from the other thread you posted, I got a vibe that you're emotionally scattered.

I don't blame you, any breakup is tough, even if you were tempted to be the dumper yourself.

Your posts here might be handy references as you recover from this.

Mine sure were when I got the boot.

I hope all goes well for you.

[blindreepr]

I know exactly what you mean. I just started NC a couple days ago, we ended on a very good note though. She has been left with nothing but positive images and memories of me, so I hope that helps somewhat. I told her that I needed NC, to gain some of my independence back, and that when I am ready we could maybe be friends again. Who knows when that will be though.

 

I am planning on doing NC as long as it takes, but eventually I will have to see her again. She works at the closest grocery store to my house, and I HATE driving out of the way just to avoid her. I can imagine doing it for a couple months, but after that I may need to just buck up and deal with the fact that I may run into her.

 

Hopefully when that time comes I will be stronger mentally and much better looking physically, I have been to the gym about 5-6 times a week, and eating waaaay better than I used to. I think looking better will definitely give me the confidence to realize that I dont need her to be happy or any other girl for that matter.

 

If she does come back before I am ready, I still dont know what I would do. I feel like because of my actions in the past, she is owed a second chance because of the chance she gave me to right my wrongs. But I don't want to take a chance at having my heart broken again. As angry and bitter as I get sometimes, I still love her with all my heart and want nothing but the best for her. I'd probably take her back but I would insist on relationship counselling and other things to hopefully prevent another fallout of the relationship

[blindreepr]

Sorry if my questions seemed harsh, but from the other thread you posted, I got a vibe that you're emotionally scattered.

I don't blame you, any breakup is tough, even if you were tempted to be the dumper yourself.

Your posts here might be handy references as you recover from this.

Mine sure were when I got the boot.

I hope all goes well for you.

 

I'm definitely scattered right now. Which is the best reason for me to stick with NC. I need to find out what I want, what I need, etc. I need to continue working on myself, and until I am happy with where I am at, until I can do the things I enjoy without wishing she was there enjoying them with me, I need to stick with NC

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

To OP,

 

I broke up with a long term boyfriend once. We both partied together alot. But he stifled me. When I broke up with him, I went pretty crazy for a while, and then leveled off again. I just wanted to have fun, and he never let me be myself. Like when I was drunk, he used to get irritated with that, say I was an airhead and stuff. He never thought I had any sense at all.

 

Anyway, hope that doesn't make you feel bad, it's not necessarily that you were stifling her that same way. It's just that her current patterns are most likely just her trying to express herself, especially when you consider the letter that she wrote you.