Romantic Casual Relationships

[tropicaliris]

What does it mean when a guy says he wants a casual relationship but on a romantic level with one girl (guy is closer to this one girl, more intimate, cares about her) and casually dating others without that romantic level?

[Rain__man]

It means he's whoring, "sowing wild oats", etc. that he's interested in you physically, and willing to stretch the truth a bit to hook you.

 

Unless "no strings attached" is what you want, don't buy into his "romantic" possibilities. He'll tell all the others the same thing, if that's what they are looking for.

 

I really can't relate to what he's doing. Even though right now I'm not looking for anything serious myself, wanting to juggle multiple relationships is kind of a sick state of mind, and people are only bound to get hurt.

[renaissancewoman101]

It means he is looking for a FWB situation.

 

I hate that word "whoring", makes women look cheap

[Rain__man]

Ok fine. He's just being a wh*re, then

[tropicaliris]

so a bit more on the story, me and the guy im involved with started dating in february, exclusive and monogomous, met his family and his friends, not casual so feelings developed during that time and we grew close at this time i fall for him, calling eachother baby etc. etc. the whole couple deal up... until a turning point...

 

So after 4 months of dating his ex whom he ended a long term relationship last year starts contacting him (they remained mutual friends) and he tells me how she was yelling at him over the phone, then things get shaken up for us. With me busy with finals (im currently in college right now) and him busy with his projects (remodelling a new house he bought to rent oout) i took the understanding that we couldnt see eachother as much. But then over this course of time he gets more distant, yet when we are together we still act as a couple. So a couple weeks before finals, he tells me how he ran into his ex over the weekend (mutual friend of theirs had a party) and they exchanged some really nasty words and he completely cut her out of his life, no talking anymore nothing. When i see him again after this event occurred he tells me how he isnt ready for a commitment right now but doesn't want to breakup with me. I tell him i want a break esp since finals are coming up and i cant focus with that bothering me. So he tells me to contact him right when im done so i say ok.

 

After our break we get back togehter but with the new understanding that we are casually together (i had no idea about seeing other people, i thought it was exclusive casual).

 

so recently i found out he is indeed seeing other girls. he tells me that he does care about me and doesnt want to miss out on a good thing with me just right now he cant commit to me and wants his freedom. i ask him if these girls are important to him and he replies with its not about the girls its the fact that he gets freedom of not having to answer to anybody at this point in his life. yet he doesn't want to cut me from his life and still wants to be with me? he said that the other girls are more as hangouts while we are more romantically involved and we care about eachotehr yet he just isnt ready for commitment.

 

i can say that yes i am in love with him.. i fell in love with him when we were exclusively together so we didn't start out as a casual relationship. so my feelings towards him are still strong..

 

so yeah wondering if i can get more insight, i find talking about this with people helps me alot. will be much appreciated.

[monkey1]

Uh, yeah, he likes you, but not enough to just be with you only. He wants his cake and other people's cakes too

 

Unless you don't mind him seeing other people which it sounds like neither of you were clear on what exactly "getting back together" meant, sounds like he won't be committing to you anytime soon.

 

I suggest figuring out how much you love this guy and either let him go or tell him if he doesn't commit to you, that you will move on. Personally, if I had strong feelings for someone, I'd want to be exclusive, but if he wasn't looking for that type of relationship, I'd have to let him go.

[tropicaliris]

Its so hard to let go.. can casual relationship work out i the end? do you think we have a chance at something in the future?

 

He always refers to i see something more in the future but not right now i cant commit to anyone right now, yet when we talk to eachother he always ask me close questions like asking me about if i would visit him at his new extracurricular job (bartending), that if i take up soccer again that he'd come and watch my games, his sister is getting married soon and when we were talking last week on the phone about her wedding, he randomly brought up the question "so what would you want your wedding to be like," completely turnign the focus from his sister to what i wanted (i did not prompt this conversation he did), telling me how i should pass down my dimples to my children... how he doesnt want to miss out on a good thing when discussing us,just the stuff he brings up on his own refers to things couples talk about when they want something more with someone right?..marriage, kids, doing things together etc. and all of these types of conversations are prompted by him not me...

 

that is why im confused... why talk like that with me when he's dating others and doesnt want a commitment, if you dont want to commit to someone of course you wouldnt want to mention those things wouldnt you? But he does and when we talk about those things i get more attached to him. i just dont really understand, any insight?

[RayKay]

When someone says they "can't commit" it actually means "they don't want to commit". Believe me, if he wanted to, and TRULY did not want to lose you, he would make it VERY clear he wanted you only.

 

Listen to those words, and don't expect a sudden change, or a change at all. As long as he has said that, he feels that he can pretty much do whatever as after all, he DID say he could not "commit". And, he can talk about those things because he always has that "out" that he was upfront about not wanting to commit.

 

Sorry, but he is feeding you a lot of BS. He may believe it himself, but it is still BS. He is also telling you exactly what you need to hear to stay around...I would say there is also a very good chance he is telling other women similar.

 

You may care about him, but are you really happy with someone whom apparently does not feel as attached in return and is out with other women seeing what else is out there?

 

You do deserve better than that, and I would suggest you set some boundaries for yourself and stop seeing this guy to be honest. It's not going to be pretty in the end if you don't put an end to this now.

[monkey1]

He likes to talk the talk, but won't walk the walk. He is telling you all this stuff to keep you around, even though he won't "stick" around like you want him to.

 

If for some reason he magically decides he want to commit, then it may work out, but you might be waiting around for a long time. Maybe when he grows up it'll work out.

[tropicaliris]

Funny how you mention how he should grow up more.. he's actually 26 where i am 21 and i thought i was the immature one (naive most likely huh?), i totally agree with you his actions are very immature and he reminds me of guys that are around my age where all they want is to hook up and have fun (thats kinda why i wanted to try a bit older this time, guess they dont mature much at 26 either...).

 

I was thinking on my way home from work that i could try to keep him in my life by occasionally hang out with him taking out the affection and dating status and i try to move on with my life but just to keep the door open to a possibility in the future (is that contradictory?) and possibly let something develop rather than just know him as the guy i was head over heels for (you know the thing when people date eachother they only see that person in a single light?) ? i know that he cant change... and i cant change what he wants or feels... nor would i feel better knowing im forcing him to want to be with me... (that would hurt as well). But just so im not completely cutting him out of my life so we still have that option to eachother. I most likely wont be able to do this right away.. maybe after a couple months away from him, letting the idea of him with other girls sink in, id be able to develop a friendship with him and consider the other fish in the sea (need i mention that they are really hot ones out there ).

 

Im just trying to keep my views optimistic.. i cant change how life turns out and things happen for a reason, ive been through heartbreak before and survived..its just the going through it part that sucks, yes im hurting inside (cried a bunch last night), but i really do enjoy his company and he's someone i dont want to cut out of my life.. (im trying to figure out if this is my emotions talking).

[fishrrshortae]

Just reading what he said pissed me off. It just sounds so dumb and he's totally full of crap.

[RayKay]

We are always so quick to blame these kind of actions on "immaturity". Bottom line is, it's his personal choice how to live his life, and your personal choice to get involved with it or not.

 

It's not about age, it's about your life stage, and what you want at that time, and being in a "younger one" does not make you more immature, nor does it automatically determine if you will, or will not, choose to get into long term commitments.

 

I believe it really is a matter of if it's the right person, you'll commit. I have seen the most hardened "commitment phobes" (ones whom were in very long relationships and refused to get married to their long term partner, or ones whom were "players") run out and buy a ring when they meet the right person, or the one they believe is the right person.

 

So if someone is telling you they aren't "ready to be serious" and are "not ready to commit", you should not spend much time hoping they will "grow out of it" or change. Because ultimately, what they are saying is that they just are not ready to commit to you, and while they probably WILL change, it won't likely be during your time with them.

[Batya33]

I think casual dating is fine as long as everyone is honest that it is not exclusive. Doesn't make him a bad guy and indeed it is nice he is being honest. You also can agree to sexual monogamy if you are nervous about diseases from sex. But please listen to his words - don't analyze them - they are simple. He is saying he does not want a commitment with you or a serious relationship with you right now. That is all. Who cares why - the only why is for your ego and you have to develop a thick skin if you are going to date this guy when you want a commitment and he does not.

[chemica]

Why do women always pursue jerks like these? I'm sorry, but guys like the one you have described just offend me. This guy will move on the second a better arrangement with less attachment is found. Unless, you are with this guy for purely casual sex, I am stunned as to why you have not broken it off with him.

[tropicaliris]

See thing is once i found out that he was indeed seeing others, i broke up with him on spot (last week tuesday to be exact). I told him i cant do this anymore because im too attached to him and i care about him too much that it hurts. He asked me, "so your breaking up with me..?" He told me that he doesnt want to breakup, that he does care about me, just at this point in his life he can't make a commitment to me, that i should sleep on it and talk to him about it the next day. I replied that when im gone he can have all the girls he wants and i will be out of his hair completely, he responded with no, i dont want you out of my hair, i want to keep what we have, keep me in his life, and that it hurts him to hear me sad like this.

 

Now im trying to figure out if i really do want to keep him in my life or not.. he wants to, a part of me doesnt want to cut him out of my life either (i think...).. but im not sure..so im at a cross road right now... I havent contacted him since ( i dont really have the urge to call him) and dont plan on contacting him till i get my feelings and emotions sorted out whichll take weeks to months to knows how long..I just need time to regather myself and face with what ive been dealt, and what i want to do..

[Batya33]

I am not sure why it is jerky to want to date only casually as long as the intentions are spoken and everyone knows where they stand.

 

It is very simple. Tell him: I like you and enjoy your company, but I like me more. thereforeeee, since I want to be in an exclusive relationship and you do not we do not have compatible values right now. If you change your mind you can call me and if I am interested and available I will consider it.

[tropicaliris]

Well it is jerky for me since we started out monogomous, took a break, then got back together with the new agreement that we were casually dating. Problem here: i took casual dating to be exclusive casual whereas he took it as casual see other people casual. We never clearly stated the status of our relationship and partly my fault since i didnt ask for clarification and went on assuming that we were still exclusive. So i found out that we werent exclusive last tuesday leading to fallout leading to me breaking up with him.

 

When i broke up with him i told him that i cant keep him in my life and pretty much gave him an ultimatum at that point, me or nothing at all. He said that he doesnt like the whole ultimatum idea of never knowing eachother ever again so I came up with another option. I told him that i will breakup with him since i cant be with him in this state and that if he does want to keep the option open for the future, when he is ready to commit, ill let him come to terms on his own and i will leave that door open for him to a possibility and not fully just cut him out from my world. but during this time i will try to move on with my life and not expect it to happen. But just to have that option to each other still there since we do genuinely enjoy each others company and the chemistry is great between us as people (both physical and mentally). He said ok, he rather do that than to never hear/see/talk to me every again with such a ultimatum end. He asked me if id still call him or at least email him to see how we were both doing from time to time rather than never contacting eachother, i said maybe... he responded well, dont be afraid to call me when you want to or at least email me...

 

Right now ball is in my court.. and he still wants to discuss this later.. and im trying to figure out what i want to do about him, im still dealing with the breakup emotions since its only been a week... and need more time to think it through

[tropicaliris]

by the way, i really appreciate all the feedback from everyone even though alot of it is hard to take, criticism is good to unbias my own thoughts

[monkey1]

Batya33, no it's not bad to be in a casual relationship with people, but all parties should be aware of the situation so they can either choose to stay or not because people, like with tropicaliris, they can become attached and want more.

 

tropicaliris, you made a good move. You know that if you stayed in this "relationship" it would continue to become more difficult for you. Really I don't know what else he wants to talk about with you. You stated why you wanted to break up with him and it's clear, at least to me why you want to leave. And I think it's fine that you told him that later on, if he wants to commit to you, you'll leave the door open. Personally, I would just not contact him because it'll just make it harder for you and he'll just keep pursuading you to be with him. I don't see the point if he's not going to change his mind because he doesn't want a commitment.

 

Really, the ball is his court. You gave him the option of dating you exclusively OR continue dating other girls ... he chose the latter. I'd tell him that you do not want to talk to him because it'll make it harder to get over him. Maybe you can talk to him 6-10 months from now once you get over him and don't have to worry about being in love with him or whatever.

[NJRon]

This is all about decisions and accepting the consequences.

 

Of course he's trying to avoid the consequences of his decision to want something casual. Maturity comes into play not due to the decisions, but in relation to everyone's willingness to accept the consequences of those decisions.

 

You gave two very good choices, each with their own set of consequences. He needs to decide which one he wants. Don't let him browbeat you into something that allows him to avoid those consequences.

 

On an aside, while casual relationships do work, they ony work if both people want a casual relationship. It does not sound that you do. Don't give up what you know is right for you in an effort to "bribe" someone to stay with you. It will cause resentment and other nastiness.

[tropicaliris]

so ive been thinking about this alot and what i wanted.. plus talking with my best friend on the phone has tremendously helped. I came to a decision. I decided that i am fine with hanging out with him from time to time but with the boundary that i dont want to be affectionnate with him or treat eachother as a couple when he doesnt want anything serious with me. My values are monogomy, and faithfulness and i cannot share special emotions or feelings with someone who doesnt feel the same way about me as i do about them. If i continue in the way we have with romantically casually seeing eachother, in the end im Really going to resent him.

 

I can say for fact that my feelings towards him have changed, its alot easier for me to let go Especially when i know there are other girls involved, it takes away the admiration i had for him, and i want to be with someone who treats me the way i want to be treated. I'm tired of settling for less and getting hurt (been dating emotionally unavailable guys for the past 3 years) and i know what i want this time.. he's not gonna give that to me, oh well. Things can only look up from here.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone

[monkey1]

I can't wait till you end up with someone who is totally dedicated to you and he then sees what he missed out on.

 

And don't settle for less, you do deserve someone way better than him and I'm sure you'll find that person!

 

Good luck!

[tropicaliris]

Thanks monkey1, I cant wait to meet someone like that too! im kinda just trying to think (while going through the breakup motions) that yeah i had good memories with him.. but even BETTER ones are still to come in the future...how exciting!