Is There Life After Limbo?

[Donster]

So I only partially agree with Astrology and stuff like that. I used to think it was all bunk. But every once in a while, you see something that makes you go, "hmm..."

 

I received the following horoscope from an online astrology vendor. I wont add the link because they were very commercial and a lot of popups came up. But the astrological profile fit me to a T! I've highlighted the parts of the horoscope that most hit the nail on the head, with commentaries from me in parentheses.

 

 

 

 

 

In short, I am a virgo, and am damn proud of it!

[Donster]

I used to like periodically going into the city, exploring, and getting lost in the sea of people that make up the world. Some of my happiest memories of my time being single, during the days prior to SFG, were of that summer I stayed at my college to do laboratory research. Most of my friends had gone home for the summer, to pursue internships, or to travel. I spent the summer working on campus, and also trying to find myself. I remember spending hours in the evenings just wandering the streets by Harvard Square in Cambridge, which was a nice bohemian atmosphere filled with students and street musicians. I used to like to sit and watch the world go by here, and in other touristy parts of Boston, where everyone was a stranger and where I was totally anonymous. I always felt small and unnoticed when surrounded by a sea of people, but I also felt strangely connected to the world at large under these circumstances.

 

These early days were filled with self discovery, as I would learn once I met SFG. But they were also a time of intense yearning, a desire to connect with someone on a deeper level, to find true friendship, intimacy, closeness, and love. I had always been one to have a ton of "friends"—but they were really always acquaintances, but by a different name. So the timing and the conditions were ripe for me to rapidly enter a relationship with SFG—it was in him that I found all these things that I had yearned for for so long, the physical and mental connection, that I needed to feel more complete, more whole. And I spent half my life developing into the person I am today with SFG by my side, propping me up when I was down and keeping me grounded when my mind and emotions wanted to fly.

 

And now I've found myself full circle again, facing life as a singleton, falling back into old habits, wants, desires, and curiosities. Only now I'm wandering the streets of London, surrounded by strangers who literally hail from all over the world. I'm absorbing the buzz, the mayhem, the noises, and the vibrancy that is unique to London above all other cities I have ever been in.

 

But what's missing now is the aching yearning need that I felt in my younger days. I'm at last happy and content with myself, with everything I have, everything I have achieved, and everything I am capable of. In short, I am feeling complete and whole on my own. And in a word, I am feeling alive again. I don't need anyone to complete who I am. I don't need to be associated with anyone in order to feel like someone. I am just happy being me, myself, and I, and being with myself.

 

Many people spend their entire lives searching for "The One". It has become clearer to me now, more so than during any other period in my life, that the search for "The One" begins and ends by looking in a mirror. Because when you are happy with yourself, all other joys in your life just add to your happiness, rather than replacing it. And this goes for the joys that a loving partner can bring into your life.

 

As someone who is whole, I would be able to add more to a partnership, to give to a relationship. 1 + 1 can equal more than 2. But as someone who is, or was less than whole, all I would be able to do is to take from a relationship. This, if anything, is one of the most important lessons I have learned over the past few months as I have come to rediscover and reclaim the Self that had gotten lost in the controlled chaos of life. And this is something that I had forgotten over the years and need to continue reminding myself going forward, as I continue with my single life, and as I begin to develop new friendships and relationships.

[whoops]

i read all the posts - it has helped me realise i am not a looney!

 

I wish you luck in your new endeavours - 14yrs is a long time but now you are mature enough to realise there will be others for you out there and together from experience you can learn to be the one you want to.

 

i am so angry - so upset - all at myself - i worry about self destruction in relationships - you meet so many when things dont work out i find it hard to give out and now i have to start again - FEAR that is what was the issue - tat wont go away with the right person it is something i need to deal with.

 

You moving to london then?

[Ellie2006]

Hey D,

 

How have you been doing?

Recently, I've been feeling much better.

I still hurt once in a while but I guess that's to be expected

 

Hope everything in your life's going wonderfully!

 

Sending best wishes your way ...

[Donster]

So SFG and I are selling our house. Ironically, the buyer is an old friend and classmate who is just starting a new phase of his relationship—he literally got engaged 3 days before making an offer for the house. I wish him all the joys and happiness that come with the house, the marriage, and the new daughter that he will become father. Again, it's amazing how life can change in such a short time. If you asked him a year ago where he would be today, he would have given a very different answer. And likewise, for me, my life was so different just a year ago. And my life next year will probably be even more different!

 

So lesson learned: never take life for granted. Change happens. Sometimes its something you can control. Oftentimes they are things that you cannot control. People get cancer or get into car accidents. People die. And likewise for relationships—no matter how good and healthy they can be, sometimes they get sick. And sometimes they die.

 

A year ago, I would never have dreamt that I would some day find myself wandering the streets of London, pondering an eventual move overseas, and working out a budget for life as a single person while eating at a Bangladeshi restaurant with Bollywood pop music videos playing in the background. But one important thing I have realized is that it's not just about change itself, but how we deal with change that makes us who we are. The old adage of making lemonade when life throws lemons at you can never be any more true. Sh*t will happen. Traffic jams will happen. But rather than rant and rave about the traffic, we can do things such as look for alternate routes, or we can just enjoy the extra quiet time in the car that the jam affords us. As humans, we have an amazing capacity to take advantage of situations, and to create opportunity when we come accross hurdles. No matter how dark our situations may seem sometimes, there really is light at the end of the tunnel. And in the meantime, we can always turn on a flashlight to light the way.

 

Once the house is sold, and the assets are divided, I will be totally detached from SFG. I think that is the best way to go about my future life. I still think often of IceMoto's comment about me having to tear SFG from the fabric of my life. It was too hard to do in the beginning of the breakup—we had too many joint activities and events planned. And it was almost as if we were still together, although living apart. We would see each other several times a week, and still do quite a few things together. A lot of it was probably denial and disbelief that we were no longer together. But now, with more time and space between us, it has been so much easier for me to walk away, to leave him behind me.

 

But how interesting it is that now that I am planning to move overseas, I have been thinking of SFG more and more often. On the one hand, I am grateful for the breakup, because it gives me the freedom and opportunity to undertake this move. On the other hand, there is a tremendous sense of finality associated with the move. It is the absolute end of the relationship. It's been over for some time already anyways, and in thinking back, there were signs already that things had been turning south for years. But now, any remaining shred of hope will be gone. All remaining ties will be cut. The last chapter and verse have been written, and at long last the book, which took 14 years to write, comes to The End.

 

One of the other ENA threads was about when people finally realized that they were over their ex. One poster responded that it was the day that she no longer harbored the fantasy of getting hit by a bus and having the ex rush to the hospital to be with her. I think I've gotten to that point now. And yes, there was a time when I also harbored this fantasy. But then at some point, and I can't exactly remembered how or when it occurred, I actually decided that if something like that did happen to me, I wouldn't want SFG by my hospital bedside. Yes, he has been a source of warmth, love, and joy for much of my life. But he has also been a great source of disappointment, anxiety, anger, and pain over the past half year. Wouldn't it just be adding insult to injury if I were dying in a hospital bed, or in physical pain, and were reminded of the greatest emotional pain I have every suffered? The answer to that is a big fat NO!!

 

Yet, I don't think I am quite over him yet. Rome wasn't built in a day, and a 14 year relationship is not forgotten in a few months. I hope to someday feel indifferent about him. Don't quite know when that will happen though.

[Melissa1144]

Donster,

 

You have been an inspiration through my stormy break-up.

 

I could only tell you this: Accept that its a slow process. I have days that Im in absolute misery. I feel a ton of weight sitting on my chest and just cant function at all, and cant get out of bed. But they are becoming less and less frequent and more and more apart.... until they slowly BUT SURELY disappear. Keep your chin up and stay positive, you have so much going for yourself.

[Donster]

Melissa, Whoops, Ellie: thanks for the kind words, advice, and encouragement.

 

I just decided today that I will definitely be moving to London. The excitement of this city has really grabbed me, and I feel very much at home here.

 

Whoops, you should never be angry at yourself. realise that as a human being, you are prone to, and will make mistakes in life. the most important thing is that you learn from your mistakes. and the next time you find yourself in a relationship self destructive cycle, just recognize it, and perhaps you can then do something to break that cycle. that includes making sure that you aren't finding the same type of person to be with, and perhaps giving a different "type" a chance. Every time you are outside of your comfort zone, you are challenging yourself, and you will find yourself a better person for it.

[Donster]

Right now I am feeling so quickly replaced. It really hurts. I was already getting replaced while I was in the relationship with SFG, when he started developing something with BF#2. And now I feel so quickly replaced by BF#3 (the guy he shacked up with in Chicago earlier this year). His rebound bf. His bandaid. A bandaid that covers up SFG’s wounds, but which opens up my wounds all over again.

 

I had heard stories of them cuddling and holding hands in Provincetown a few weeks ago from mutual friends and acquaintances. That hurt a lot. It made me remember getting rejected by SFG in Ptown when I tried to hold his hand over July 4th weekend. I reached for his hand, to make a connection. And he recoiled from me, and it made me feel like I was vile. Old wounds get opened up all over again. And now I wallow in my thoughts and am acknowledging some realizations and feelings that I've had for some time. I realize now that he didn’t really ever want to cuddle or anything like that with me in public. He never really wanted to hold my hand. Or to kiss me. I have felt like an unwanted pet for so long. And I realize now that these feelings were real and true, not just a cloudy idea or nagging phantom in my head. I deserve better than that. I have deserved better than that for a long time.

 

I had been thinking about going down south to play in a gay tennis tournament. But I ultimately decided that it would make life too hectic for me with all the other travel I am doing right now. I checked on the web to see who had signed up for the tournament, and guess what, my ex’s name was on the list. And then I saw his new rebound bf’s name. So they’re next tryst is at this tournament. Two weeks ago it was in EM’s home town. The week before that, Ptown...and in the home I once shared with SFG. Back in July it was Chicago. In such a short time, I have been replaced.

 

All the hurt, all the bad feelings have come up again. All over again. Everything that I had tried to compartmentalize, has resurfaced again. So soon after he broke up with me, he has moved on to someone else. And the rapidity is what hurts so much right now. The speed at which I was discarded. How quickly I became inconsequential in his life. Good thing I decided to opt out of going to the tournament. I would have been miserable.

 

I know the Truth, from Aida

 

How have I come to this?

How did I slip and fall?

How did I throw half a life time away,

without any thought at all?

 

This should have been my time,

It’s over, it never began

I closed my eyes to so much for so long

And I no longer can

 

I try to blame it on fortune

Some kind of shift in the stars

But I know the truth and it haunts me

And Its flown just a little too far

I know the truth and it mocks me

I know the truth and it shocks me

Its flown just a little too far

 

Why do I want him still?

Why when there’s nothing there?

How to go on with the rest of my life

To pretend that I don’t care?

 

These should have been my time

Its over it never began

I closed my eyes to so long for so long

And I no longer can

 

I tried to blame it on fortune

Some kind of twist in my fate

But I know the truth and it haunts me

I learned it a little too late.

 

Oh I know the truth and it mocks me

I know the truth and it shocks me.

I learned it.

A little too late.

Too late.

 

From my perspective, the two of them are like pigs feeding at a trough. They keep seeing each other. Were they each left so hungry in the relationships they were in before? Did each of them have such a bad or empty relationship? Was it so bad with me? Is it so good with BF#3? I suddenly feel so inferior. So worthless. So insignificant. So much like a distant memory to SFG.

 

But my rational mind reminds me that it is the addiction that makes them both do what they are doing. This is what rebounding is all about, and they are both probably rebounding hard. Its about filling the void, and them each not being able or knowing how to deal with separation and pain. I know that SFG is mentally and emotionally weak, and requires this to assuage his pain. He has never been tough in this sense. BF#3, I don’t know as well. But at least I’m glad that SFG didn’t end up with the opportunistic BF#2. God, I hate all this drama!

 

Another reason this all hurts is that it makes me also wonder if SFG got together with me only because I was convenient. And if he stayed with me only because it was convenient. He seems to go for what is convenient. It’s a family trait to go with the path of least resistance. Do they love each other? But if BF#3 is anything like SFG, they confuse infatuation and lust with love. So god bless them, may they have a long and happy life together. (at least until BF#4 or BF#5 comes along, but that won't be my problem any more. I am now thankfully out of this loop.)

 

I want to be done with him, just like he has been done with me for so long. I want to wash my hands of him, just as he has washed his hands of me. He has moved on, apparently. I want to also. Yet I hold onto this pain. I don’t know for how long. I recognize it. I feel it. It is palpable, a squeezing in my chest. The sinking feeling in my stomach. I know this pain. It was the same feeling when I learned that SFG had been having an affair with another mutual friend (how convenient!) It was the same feeling when I finally realized he was starting to develop something with BF#2 (conveniently, he was another friend at some point). It's the same pain I felt when I had a tiff with BF#2 in our apartment during our Paris vacation (the one that BF#2 tagged along for part of), and rather than to be with me in the bedroom to console and to talk, SFG chose to hang out with BF#2 instead. He made his choice. That hurt. And I was still so blind to things back then (see song above). And now, conveniently, it's off to BF#3, another acquaintance. (some patterns will never change).

 

It’s the pain of heartache, but of a different sort. Not so much the pining or longing…I certainly don’t pine or long for SFG, not any more. And that type of pain is usually a long, slow burn anyways. This is more like I am getting stabbed in the chest. Repeatedly. Why is it that he has to power to keep hurting me, even when we aren’t together any more? If a stranger dumped a boyfriend and quickly got another, I wouldn’t care. Even if a family member or close friend went through something like this, I wouldn’t care as much. Yet why now does it still feel like a betrayal to me? Or is it just a betrayal to the memory of me? And how and when can I learn to let this go? How long will it take?

 

I want to be free. I want my heart to be able to sing again. And I want to allow my heart to someday feel again. Right now, I have walled it off. Almost completely. I don’t think I will let anyone in for a long while. I’ve gotten hurt so badly, why risk it again any time soon?

 

From Bette Midler’s The Rose (One of my favorite songs):

 

Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed.

Some say love, it is a razor, that leads your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger, an endless aching need.

I say love it is a flower and you will sow the seed.

 

It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.

It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.

It’s the one who wont be taken who cannot seem to give

And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

 

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long.

And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong.

Just remember, in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow,

lies the seed that with the sun’s love in the spring becomes the rose.

 

I used to think I was one of the lucky and the strong. And now I feel myself turning into the one who won’t be taken, the heart afraid of breaking, and the soul afraid of dying. But at least I am not afraid to take chances, and we shall see where that leads me.

 

I’m going to go listen to some Kelly Clarkson now. That always makes me feel a little better.

[whoops]

14 years i s a long time - i am with you regarding maybe it was a convenience of time and they got what they wanted - i feel alot better thanks to your words and thanks to time and have started to move on - i try to plan what i do in the evenings and my life is more focused on me and what i want to do with it - i am being selfish but i like it as iit is the only way forward.

 

If you are coming to london then let me know - dont be lonely in this city espically after what you have been through - it is great place where opportunity can rear itself if you just work at it.

 

You seem a guy who is very switched on work wise and have a good heart - you will heal in time and then you can take what you learnt in your 14 years and put it to use with the right person.

 

The world is your oyster - my friends say well maybe to them it feels like that to me at present it is only only opening up to that so it is up to my strength of character to make that oyster be mine - as it is you.

[Melissa1144]

Donster a friend sent me this email, it was hard to read it but everytime I feel anxiety I re-read it even though it hurts me. I hope it helps you as well. I hope you feel better. Hugs.

 

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer y ou sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

[Donster]

Melissa, thank you so much for sending me your friend's email. That was really helpful. It has been hard to focus on all the good things and positive changes that have come out of my relationship with SFG--It seems like lately all I have been able to focus on and remember are the difficult times and the hurt. I know they will fade over time, but I am impatient. I just want them to go away. But reading what you sent helps me refocus. And I will try to remember to read it again when I find myself in a negative funk.

 

I had a nice long cry in my office this morning, during and after getting off the phone with SFG. It's the first really serious long cry I have had since moving out of the house, and only the second one that I have had during this time. It felt good afterwards, like a relief of sinus pressure when you blow your nose, and like a weight dropping off your chest.

 

We had some house stuff to deal with over the phone, but most of the time we ended up discussing how he was upset about some of the things he has read in this thread. And how we are both dealing with the breakup and trying to move on and how we both end up doing things that slow our progress.

 

I won't allow him to censor me. But I will try to be more fair and discerning about some of the things that I say that may affect his new relationship or how people view him. He is still concerned about how some mutual friends may come to view him, after reading a one-sided account of this relationship. To that I say that his own actions have spoken far more loudly than any of my words and I will not erase some of my words considering that he cannot erase many of the things that he has done nor I the things that I have done during the relationship.

 

I just can't help feeling how I feel, and I choose to express my thoughts and feelings in words. My other option would be to smash a bunch of glasses and dishes. But that can be both costly and messy. And it doesn't help anything.

 

He was also concerned that I have been writing certain things in order to try to hurt him. Well A) I dont think he should be reading this thread at all if he wants to move on and B) this blog is all about me, and my thoughts and my feelings and I have been writing without thinking about him or his reactions to my musings at all. I write for myself and for the anonymous ENA world, not for some of the mutual friends who may be reading this, and certainly not for him. Yes, I feel some contempt towards him sometimes. But if he is hurt by some of the things I say, it is all from his own reaction to my words.

 

But I do want him to be happy with his present and future life, and so I will refrain from commentary about that, out of respect, and out of my desire for him to find happiness and for us to both be able to move on in time.

[Donster]

There are days where I feel like I have lost one of my limbs. A piece of me that always felt like it belonged there, that I always took for granted would be there, is just gone.

 

And that's on a good day.

 

On a bad day, I feel like I am still in the process of slowly sawing off my limb. I want to stop, because it hurts. Yet my brain keeps willing me to continue sawing away, because it knows that that's what's best for me. Sometimes in life we have no choice but to amputate. A limb can become diseased. Gangrenous. Infected. A danger to the body as a whole. This is clearly the case when a loved one is abusive. But in my case the amputation is ironically meant to help me heal.

 

When two people have grown so close to each other over a long period of time, like SFG and I had done, it takes a particularly long time to separate all the thoughts, feelings, and memories, not to mention the material and worldly things that still bind us together. Like our house. Our possessions. Our joint accounts. Our friends.

 

Like the separation of conjoined twins, the division of two closely intertwined souls takes surgical precision so that both halves can survive, and hopefully thrive on their own. A botched job can leave one half lame for life, or even dead. And even if the operation is successful, both halves will retain scars for the remainder of their lives, to forever remind them of what used to be.

 

I have no doubt that SFG and I will both carry scars for the rest of our lives. IceMoto says that these scars can be a beautiful thing. And it's true, the scars can serve as a reminder of the great love that once existed between us. But the scars can also be painful reminders of things gone terribly wrong. Reminders of hurt and suffering.

 

And scar tissue can be constricting. A thickening of our skin is a natural response to injury—it prevents future injuries. Yet in the wrong place, scar tissue can cause pain, slow us down, make it difficult to breathe, or even inhibit the way our hearts beat.

 

I used to go to a chiropractor for treatment of an old tennis injury in my lower back that caused me some chronic pain and tightness. The plan of treatment was to break down the scar tissue, to separate it from the muscle fibers to which it had become attached, which was causing the tightening that bothered me. And the goal of treatment was for the scar tissue to grow back in a way that was less constrictive and less painful than before.

 

Yes, it sounds like a painful process. And to this day, these treatments were some of the most physically painful things I had ever experienced. During some treatments the pain would be so severe that I couldn't even grimace. All I could do was laugh at myself for subjecting myself to such pain.

 

Yet I would feel great relief after these treatments. Although already a bit light in my loafers, I sometimes felt like I was able to walk on air. My range of motion improved. And I felt better overall. To this day I don't know if the pain of the treatment was just a distraction so that I would feel immediate relief afterwards, or if the chiropractic treatment actually did something for me.

 

Unfortunately there is no easy way to remove emotional and mental scars. Therapy helps, but it is slow and time consuming. Others tell me that time, space, and distance will help. So far I have had just over 3 months of time. My own space during this time. And a distance of about 10 miles. Soon, it will be a distance of 3000 miles, and numerous other sights and sounds that will hopefully distract me from my scars and my pain so that I can tread lightly again, and learn to dance again, without heavy feet or a heavy heart.

[whoops]

i love to read your posts you give me the notion that a love can be so deep like that - i only had that once when i was in my early twenties and then it left me broken for a long time until i met the next one but never would i feel the closeness i did before and i need to find a way like you will to not be afraid of the closeness again - it prevented this one from going the right way i think so maybe the next time i will be more open or not - still scared i guess.

 

Distance wont help your mind but will give you things to think upon and new sights and people you will be happy and have bad times but you can always still come to enotalone - right!

 

A move is going to be good for you - new friends etc new experiences and you can focus on you and wht you are about - i guess you must have forgotten that to a degree -

[Donster]

I've been visiting family all week. There is no way to describe how comfortable it is to be back with the familiar, no matter how small the home, how shabby the surroundings, or how quirky the family members are. There really is no need to describe it—everyone who has ever left home has and will feel this at some point or another. They even made a movie all about this feeling: "Sweet Home Alabama". It is just home. No other words need to be said.

 

For me, my family home is the only home I have at present. And it's also where my heart is now that my heart is no longer shared with SFG. I've done the transcontinental flight at least 20 times in my life already, having gone home at least once or twice in each of the 15 years I have lived on the east coast. Each time there is a sense of exhilaration when the plane begins to descend and the familiar landscape of hills and water become visible. It's my homecoming…a return to where I came from, and reminder of who I used to be.

 

Coming home is about refilling my heart. Healing my wounds. Being comforted by mom and dad. With my family there is just absolute unconditional love. Families forgive, forget, and love unconditionally. No matter how difficult times can be or testy we can be with one another. They are always there in the long run, no matter what. It's the kind of love that I thought I shared with SFG when we were a family. But the invisible ties and bonds that join family members is tighter than any band on a finger and stronger than any wedding contract. For me, it's also a reconnection with thousands of years of cultural history and 33 years of family history that have shaped me and my views and which has made me who I am today.

 

My family is so comforting. Even with their little quirks, the constant squabbling, the strange habits, and the old-fashioned ways. The knowledge from the relationships I had with my parents and my brother are all that I had going into the relationship with SFG. They are the sources of all the skills and examples that I brought into my personal relationship. It is from them that I originally learned to love. To give. To be generous. To deal. To learn. To mandate. To nag. To look for value. To understand what it means to have a good heart. And to think of others before thinking of myself. To leave no room for mistakes or errors. All the core values that I carry today, are still rooted in what I learned from them: To hold family above all else. To value my education and my health beyond money, possessions, jobs, or friends (which can and will all come and go).

 

All the other skills and experiences that make me what I am today came from my relationship with SFG. From him I learned to UNLEARN a lot of the things I had learned from my family. I learned to give and take instead of to mandate that certain things just had to be a certain way. From him I learned to enjoy the here and now more than to just plan for the future. From him I learned to show my love in a more physical way than my family ever did—my family's way was always to take care, to feed, to protect, to provide. There were few outward physical connections. No kisses, no hugs, no "I love yous."

 

So from all of them I learned to be who I am today. And isn't that what much of life is all about anyways…about learning "best practices" from all the people who come into your life?

 

------------------------

I realize now that my leaving home for college was not too different from a breakup. I was on to bigger and better things. I moved to a different state. Meanwhile, my parents were stuck trying to hold on to the way things were. And in many ways, I grew apart from them, grew different. And even though we would still see each other once or twice a year, they had to adjust to a different me, and I to a past that hadn't changed very much. But over the years, we learned to grow together again, but in a different way. My parents will always be mom and dad to me. But in many ways they are my friends too. My mom was one of the first people I spoke with when SFG and I broke up. And I'm often one of the first people she will tell her troubles to. Our relationship now is so much more than it was when we were just parent and child.

 

And it is my hope that SFG and I can grow into becoming old friends in this way—so that our relationship can change. But the path to getting there is treacherous. And in many ways it might be easier to just cut him out of my life altogether. But besides my family, he has known me longer than anyone else on earth, and it would be a shame to let that shared history go. Note that this doesn't mean that I want to get back together with him…I've been hurt too much to let that happen, and I am learning to enjoy life alone right now. And yes, I do miss him. But I am also very excited about the future opportunities that I will have without him. And I want to be able to share these new experiences with him, as I would share these experiences with my parents or my brother's family.

[Donster]

I haven't posted here in a long while, so I thought I would post an update about things that are going on, and how I have been feeling in general.

 

I feel that my life is beginning to enter limbo again, but in a different way than it felt before.

 

In the past few months, I have learned to re-establish myself as someone independent and single--and entirely distinct from SFG and the image that people had of me when I was with him. Back then, we operated as a unit, and were considered to by everyone to be a unit. And now that I have a lot of new friends and new activities in my life, my own apartment, and some real separation from the life that I used to have, I finally feel free to be who I want to be, and who I am. I'm beginning to date again. And life is really good overall. I have learned to be whole on my own.

 

And yet now I find myself having only a little over a month left to be this person that I have become before I go and start all over again in a new city. Of course a lot of this is part of the natural ebb and flow of life...change is difficult, and after having gone through a major and significant change in my life, I find myself facing yet another one in a month or so.

 

But the difference is that I am facing this new challenge and change in my life with a lot more confidence than I had dealing with the transition from long-term relationship to singlehood.

 

And I am no longer afraid.

 

I am no longer afraid that I will be single for the rest of my life. Since I have begun dating again over the past month, I have had to practically beat all the potential suitors off with a stick! (A friend says that sometimes when you know you are going to be moving, your countenance changes and people somehow sense that and you become more attractive to them).

 

I am no longer afraid of being lonely. I have made new friends very easily, just by being myself...and by staying active and open minded and being willing to take the initiative. And I know that once I head to Europe, these same qualities and mindset will make it easy for me to find new friends there.

 

I am no longer afraid of having to take care of myself. I had always had SFG there in my adult life, and even things as simple as balancing a checkbook were somewhat foreign to me. SFG really took care of me (although I took care of him in other aspects, like making sure he was properly fed).

 

I am no longer afraid of change. My life had been so stable and consistent for so long, with so little change. And being a virgo, I had always been rather conservative and set in my ways. And then life threw me for a loop. And I am now doing just fine rolling with the punches. I understand this about myself now...that I am good at making the best out of whatever situation I find myself in. And now I find myself at the verge of changing countries, changing my lifestyle, and changing the very world as I know it.

 

And most importantly, I am no longer afraid that my heart will remain walled off forever, fearful of letting anyone in. The breakup with SFG had left me scarred, and scared. But the past months have been good, and I am confident that I will learn to open up my heart again, despite the pains that it had suffered through over the past year. I think in due time, I will learn to love again.

 

So why do I feel like I am in limbo again?

 

Because I am on the cusp of so many changes. I am in the beginning of saying goodbye to a lot of the friends and loved ones that I have in the States, yet at the same time I am saying hello to new friends and love interests here in Boston (knowing full well that I will be leaving for Europe in December). I am both finishing and starting at the same time. I am both coming and going at the same time, and finding myself both betwixt and between. I have become settled in certain ways over the last couple of months and will be un-settling myself all over again very soon.

 

But this time for sure I know there will be life after limbo for me...and it will be a very good, warm, and enriching life full of new places, new things, new people, and new adventures. And hopefully a lot of love too.

 

I won't say that my journey to recovery from my breakup with SFG is now over, but I will say that it has been a heck of a journey so far, and I remind myself almost every day that it is never really about the destination, but about the journey itself that is most rewarding part of life (even if its a bumpy road sometimes).

 

This sounds like a final posting, and perhaps it will be. (we'll see if I have aything to say). But as I begin the next phase of my life, I will probably set up a proper blog so that I can archive these postings and musings, and to share my new life with anyone who is interested. (I'll make sure to leave a link to my future blog here so that you readers will know where to find me).

 

But I do want to thank you all for all of your support over the past few months!! You have all been tremendously helpful to me, and I hope that by sharing some of my thoughts and feelings, that I have been able to help you somewhat as well.

[Donster]

OK, so I lied when I said I might be writing my last ENA post...

 

I was just in Chicago this past week. Those of you who have been following this thread will recall that it was in Chicago back in July that my ex and I finally ended our 14-year relationship.

 

My trip to Chicago was for a conference sponsored by the American Heart Association. How apropos that the conference was attended by thousands of cardiologists whose job is, in short, to fix broken hearts.

 

Being back in the city brought back a flood of memories. Some good. Mostly bad. And being here gave me a chance to reflect on my new life, and to re-experience a bit of the past. It gave me time to think about how my heart was broken, and the steps that I taken to fix it.

 

The life that was.

One of my most vivid memories from my July trip to Chicago was my first night in Chicago, which was also one of my last nights together with SFG. He wasn't able to check into his hotel until the next day, so he stayed with me that first night. Everything seemed so normal, and we slept intertwined like we had for the past 14 years. And in the morning both of us cried like we had never cried before, both fully realizing that it was probably the last time we would be together in this way.

 

And my other memory was about how alone and abandoned I felt by the end of the week. In retrospect, I realize now that SFG was so ready to leave me, and had been so ready to leave me for a long time. And by the end of the week, he was already gone. And he is still with the new person that he traded me in for that week. He was single for just one day. And the realization that he had so quickly moved on to someone new hit me like a speeding truck. I had never felt such rage before. I think I aged about 5 years overnight. This still bothers me today, that there was so little mourning. And that he was so quick to jump into the arms of another. But I also realize now that this realization was the source of much of my anxiety in life over the past few years...he had been on the verge of departure for years, whether he realized it or not, based on some of his actions. And perhaps I was too?

 

And my last memory was of the intense joy and freedom I felt on the plane ride back home with SFG. With the full realization that SFG and I were done came the feeling of being free from all the turmoil and limbo that had engulfed me for the past half year. All (or most) of the suffering was at long last over. The pain would (hopefully) be a thing of the past. All the disappointment I experienced would (hopefully) be a thing of the past. And SFG would be a thing of the past. I felt like a tree, which had been sagging under the weight dead branches, dried leaves, and heavy snow, suddenly cleared of its burden so that it could stand tall and proud once again.

 

The life that is.

At the conference I learned about all sorts of techniques to prevent hearts from getting broken and to fix hearts when they eventually do get broken. But no amount of prevention can ever fully prepare you for the pain of a broken heart. The pain rocks your very core, and shakes the very foundation of your life. And no treatment, not even a full heart transplant, can ever get your heart back to 100% of what it once was.

 

So instead, we find ways to mask the pain. Bandaids to patch the holes left in our hearts and to stop the bleeding. And distractions to make us not think about the pain. As for me, one of the core strengths that I drew upon in dealing with the reality of my breakup is the ability to compartmentalize the pain, so that it is stored somewhere inaccessible, so that I don't have to feel the pain. But the consequences are that I end up deadening much of my feelings too.

 

I have found, however, that in time the things we do to cover up the pain become real and permanent. Is it true healing? Or are we just fooling ourselves into thinking that we have healed? And does it matter?

 

Today I no longer feel like my heart is broken. But how much of it is illusion, and how much of it is real? I don't know, and I may never know. But as long as I continue to feel good about myself and my life, I don't think I need to know the answer to that question. I have my bandaids, my masks, my distractions, and my compartmentalization (AKA me, myself, and I, together with friends, lovers, sports, work, and travel—in short, all the accoutrements of life that I need to keep me happy). And I am happy and content in a way that I haven't been in a long time.

 

The life that will be.

And with the conclusion of this trip to Chicago, I can finally focus on my next trip, which will be the beginning of a brand new chapter in my life in a new city and new country.

 

In the near future, I must deal with a lot of goodbyes, and also a lot of change. My therapist says that all change carries with it a strong sense of loss--a loss of what was. Yet, she says that I have been confronting all my goodbyes without a hint of emotion. Even she had some emotion in her voice when we discussed my move, and the fact that we had only one session left together (after more than a year of weekly therapy).

 

I don't think it is because I am cold, uncaring, and unfeeling. But rather that I don't quite get the sense of loss associated with goodbyes and with change. Instead, I see that I will add to the friendships that I already have, and the experiences that I have already had. I dont see that I will be losing any of my friends, although the nature of our relationship will certainly change given the distance and the reduced level of contact.

 

And so, as I contemplate and enter the life that will be, I will carry with me a key piece of advice that a good friend gave me, that had carried me over the past year as I entered and exited all the turmoil and limbo...and that message was for me to not become a victim of my circumstances, and to instead use the opportunity to take charge of my life. And that is why I am not sad about the change and loss that I will go through when I make my move...because with every loss comes an opportunity to regain and to renew. The loss of a relationship is an opportunity to date and meet new people. The loss of a job is an opportunity to try something new. And the loss of a home is an opportunity to live somewhere else. And thus tome, change = opportunity, rather than being associated with just loss.

[beebee]

"there is a tool to fix anything but a broken heart"...

 

silly little saying i know, but so true...

 

still following your thread donster... love to hear about your progress...

[Donster]

Beebee, thanks for the good wishes. This will be short since I am busy packing. But here's a nice quote that just showed up on my google desktop quote alert:

 

J.E. Buchrose: "Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and dto be hurt often, and to love again -- this is the brave and happy life."

[Donster]

So here I am, at the end of 2006. The year began with difficulties, but never in a million years would I have envisioned that I would be where I am today at the end of the year. I had always thought all problems were solvable, but now I understand that that is possible only if both parties want to solve the problem. And so I am where I am today.

 

There is that famous song...What a Difference a Day Makes...well, imagine what can happen in 365 days!

 

A year ago, I spent new year's in Miami with my ex and one of our best friends. Things weren't perfect, but at least all the skeletons we had been hiding in our closets were out in the open. And we were working on things. And we were hopeful that 2006 would be just smooth sailing after the rough seas that we encountered at the end of 2005. Boy were we wrong. We had no clue what was in store for us...the challenges that we were going to face, the hurts that we thought were behind us that were only beginning to surface, new hurts, poisonous outside forces, and the cathartic release that would come with the end of limbo and turmoil (at least for me).

 

Yet it's very ironic, as this horrific year closes, how I am finding myself thinking of my ex again.

 

Part of this was brought on by a strange reunion with an old neighbor of mine who used to live accross the street from me and SFG. She happens to come to England every Christmas to visit family and I ended up reconnecting with her out here, even though we found it hard to get together when we were in Boston. But now I understood what she went through when she broke up with her then partner (our other neighbor from accross the street). And she was able to understand me as well.

 

She was from an era back in SFG's and my past, where we were blissfully ignorant of the world around us, and where we were generally quite happy. Life was simple back then. Now we both share the bond of the dumpee, "the one who was left behind". But she's with a new partner now, and happier than she had ever been in her life. And that gives me great hope.

 

Yet, I have been thinking about my ex. Wondering is a more appropriate word, I guess. Is he truly happy with the new person in his life? Or is he just pretending? He left me because he was only 85% happy, and was hoping to find that extra 15%. Has he found it? Will he ever find it? Does he only have 70% now and does he wish for the extra 15% he had with me? Does he miss me? Or do I never cross his thoughts? I have been trying hard not to think about him, yet I have found my memories of him cropping up again and again. Unfortunately, many of the memories have been the most painful ones. Does he truly realize what kind of pain he had caused me? Will he ever realize? Would he ever want to get back together again? Or has he truly washed his hands of me? And where do I stand with this? Could I ever forgive him for all the heartbreak he had caused me? And what do I mean to him now? Am I a remnant of yesteryear? Or am I still a part of his present life? Will I in any way, shape, or form, be a part of his future life? And what do I want him to be in my life? A memory? A friend? An ex? A nightmare? A nothing?

 

I still remember when SFG used the dreaded word "we" recently to describe himself and his new beau. That "we" did not include me, but rather the new unit that he and his new boyfriend had become. And to top it off, that "new we" had recently met up for dinner with old friends that the "old we" used to have. What did these old friends think of my replacement? Did they ask about me at all? Did they wonder about me at all? Had I become a nothing to them too? A distant memory? Am I just a part of my ex's nightmare? I try not to care about what other people think. But it's not easy.

 

My hope for 2007:

I hope that 2006, * * * *ty as it was, will be the worst year for all of us and that none of us will have this crappy of a year again for at least 30 years.

 

I hope that 2007 will be full of new experiences for everyone. Good or bad, I hope they will be experiences that we will all learn and grow from. Woe to those who don't care about growing or learning, because they will find themselves making the same mistakes in life again, and again. (yes, I am talking about my ex here! He was single for all of one day. give me a break!! it's not only a slap in my face, how quickly I was replaced (Thanks Alanis!) but he is dooming himself to repeat history. god bless him, or rather, his new beau, because he will end up facing the same bs I had to deal with when SFG got tired of me.)

 

I am not so naive to think that 2007 will be all love and joy for me. But for now I am content being single, and happy enough sifting through the haystack for the elusive needle (someone sharp, cute, lovable, good, and faithful). I hope that many of you reading this will find new lives and new loves and all the happiness that comes with all of that. (And I hope that I have not just become an empty bitter shell!)

 

And finally, I hope that 2007 brings peace and resolution to all of you. We've all wrestled with similar questions as we have gone through our respective breakups. I think I am close to achieving peace and resulolution, and I sincerely wish that 2007 brings you all that you wish for and deserve in life.

[Donster]

This was originally a post to Icemoto's thread, but it became a longer response than I first intended and I also decided that it would be a good post to my thread.

 

---------------------

 

A new friend that I spent Christmas with here in London had this to say about her past and present love life..."Love hurts...but it hurts so good!" Perhaps we are all masochists at heart, and we cling onto our past hurts because it does hurt so good. But it is how we recover from these hurts that will show the true strength of our character.

 

Yes, I have been thinking about my ex lately...but I realized that why I was doing so, especially at New Year's, was that I was in effect, mourning the life I had with him. In turning over a new leaf, I had to pick up the old one, and to inspect it to see what bits of thoughts and feelings were left there before I could fully discard it and everything it represents.

 

The feelings included nostalgia, but also anger and frustration. It's not that I want my ex back and it's not that I hate him. We are on friendly terms. But I am annoyed that he has moved on seemingly so quickly and so easily while I am unable to break the vicious cycles of analysis and re-analysis of our past life together, wondering about each of our present lives, and speculating about my future life. But of course I can't read his mind, only my own. But I wonder--does he truly understand the magnitude of what we had and then lost? Does he sometimes still ache and hurt like I do? Does he now question himself and second guess himself like I do? Is he like me now, unable (or unwilling) to make emotional investments? Is he like me, struggling to decide if he is truly happy or just surrounding himself with illusions that he is starting to believe are real? Does he love the new person in his life, and if so, how can it even begin to compare to what we had together?

 

As humans, many of us are cursed, to some extent, with introspection. And because of that, we won't find it as easy to move on as, for lack of a better word, "simpler" people who lack this quality or who are unable to dig as deeply as many of us do, or those who just feel without thinking (i.e., This feels good, I'll just be with this person instead, and I won't worry about what I left behind). But of course I overgeneralize, and every human being is somewhere in between.

 

So, like everyone else on here, I'm still looking for that magical insight that will allow me to let go, and in so doing, become free to love again.

[Donster]

Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

 

If I ever felt like I wanted to let out a primal scream, now would be the time. I just came accross a picture in my gay tennis group's newsletter (from back in Boston) of my ex and his new boyfriend #3cozying up together.

 

My rational mind says it's just a picture. A mere photo. But with the particular combination of people in it, it so quickly and easily becomes something more. And so the emotions take over.

 

This is why I need to take Icemoto's previous suggestion to heart. I need to really tear my ex and all that he represents from the fabric of my current existence. There should be no reason for this photo to have affected me so much. It's been six months. I've been taking steps to move on with my life. I've acknowledged the fact that my ex has moved on. Yet I didn't need to see the visual reminder of all of this. I didn't need to see someone else in the seat that used to be mine. And I don't need any reminders of all this. And in fact, although I am on friendly terms with my ex, he is a reminder of all this too! So how can I really move on if I am still exchanging occasional emails with the reminder? Or if I am still talking to the reminder's mom (although we don't talk about him at all). Or if I am still subscribed to newsletters or evites that the reminder is also a part of where I will see his name?

 

I had removed all photos and phone numbers belonging to the reminder from my mobile phone some time ago (just as I had removed all listings pertaining to his BF#2 from way back when, when the guy was also a friend of mine). I just didn't need the reminders in my life (and certainly not BF#2!).

 

But now I have no choice but to take a more drastic step, which is to block emails from my ex. NC is NC. I finally see that it has to be absolute, and I have to be resolute. I have no more business dealings with my ex that I need to worry about. The house has been sold, assets have been divided, and any other joint posessesions that are left can be dealt with in a few years' time when I will hopefully have healed somewhat.

 

I feel bad about having to take this step--it really has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. But it is so clear to me now that I need to maintain radio silence. And NC has to be absolute and total.

 

SFG, if you are reading this (or if any mutual friends are reading this who can relay the message to him in case he starts complaining that I am acting up again...)--I'm sorry to have to take this step, but it's a necessary one for me to maintain my sanity. I thought moving to another country would be enough to distract me from thinking about the past, but obviously it's not enough. You've done nothing wrong and I'm not angry at you--you're just living your new life like you should. And I do wish you all the best. But I clearly need to make this extra push so that I can more properly let go of the past. I'm very jealous that you were able to switch gears so quickly...I seem to be stuck in a rut right now. My wheels are spinning and I'm going nowhere fast. So having at least a few months' of total silence will be good for me. Barring any emergencies, you won't be hearing from me for some time. I think of you often, and that's why I need to do this. Take care.

 

-Donster

[Donster]

I'm noticing a pattern developing. Certain things set me off and put me in a bad mood. And certain things put me into a better mood.

 

I just re-read my old post from September 6. Booking my ticket to London totally changed my mood for the better back then, in what was one of the worst days I had had in some time (set off by more or less the same thing as tonight, btw).

 

Tonight, the solution was a ticket to Marrakesh. I feel better already!

 

I have read about "shop therapy" But I'm not sure if this should be characterized in the same way. But it does make me feel better.

[kadvati79]

I always read your threads, but its always so hard for me to think of anything to say. Your posts make me think about my own feelings, and its almost like I can identify with your posts through my own experiences. It makes it very hard to think of anything specific.

 

I think I told you my ex had contacted me the other day too, and ended up sending me the link to an article about how he had gotten a scholarship telling me that I would be "really proud" of him. It cut me to pieces. I ended up crying in the shower, which was the first time I had cried in six months.

[Donster]

Icemoto, I can definitely identify with the pain that you felt. Even though it was through the internet, I could tell when you said that you felt nothing upon hearing from your ex, that it really meant that all the defense mechanisms were kicking in. I'm very familiar with these mechanisms--in my case, my mind sets up a stone wall. And by not allowing you to feel through the stone wall, your mind allows you to continue functioning. But no human has the strength to keep these walls up forever, and eventually they crumble, and the floodgates open, and the tears come pouring out.

 

I recall a similar incident back in the summer, in the days after SFG and I had "officially" broken up. I was driving to work, and a strange notion came into my mind. I was thinking of how SFG and I had more or less grown up together, and how I had always thought we would grow old together. And I was thinking, gosh, he was with me through all of my 20s and part of my 30s, and I have been with him through most of his 20s and 30s. And then it hit me that I might not ever see him celebrate his 40th, which I had already been talking to some people about planning for.

 

And that's when my floodgates opened up. I was driving to work at the time, a sad song came on, and I came to the stark realization that I probably wouldnt be a part of his life when he turned 40. And that he would be with someone else, and probably wouldnt want me in his life any more. Luckily I was close to the office already. But I had to stay in the parking lot for a while, until the tears subsided.

 

Thinking back now, it wasn't the past memories that I was mourning. I had been, and continue to try to focus as much as possible on the good memories that I shared with SFG, rather than to think about all the pain that he had caused me towards the end of the relationship.

 

But what struck me, is that I was mourning the future memories that I would not be able to have with SFG.

 

I was crying about all the unborn plans and ideas that never came to fruition. I was crying about the bedroom wall that we had planned to paint a light shade of green, the special vacations we would never take together, the short fat dog we never got to adopt, and all the milestones we would never be able to celebrate together.

 

It was about all the future memories that I would never have the chance to make with him. Here he was, alive and well, and I came to realize that I had to think of him as if he were dead to me, because there was no more future for us. In fact, there was no more us. And there will not be an us in the future.

 

So Icemoto, here's my suggestion for you, taken from your own advice to me many moons ago:

 

I would tear him from the fabric of your existence. This will serve two purposes, 1) it will let him experience life without you; and 2) it will let you experience life without him. He sounds a bit like anokimj's boy, I suspect that you will find a renewed self and sense of freedom. A sense of yourself. You are very smart and have a huge capacity to feel.

 

Be strong, tear him from your life. Work hard to better yourself and prepare yourself for the next relationship - whether it be him or another.

[kadvati79]

Icemoto, I can definitely identify with the pain that you felt. Even though it was through the internet, I could tell when you said that you felt nothing upon hearing from your ex, that it really meant that all the defense mechanisms were kicking in.

 

He sent me the link to the news article, and when I saw his face in it (the first time I have seen it other than from my memory in eight months) it was like someone punched me in the face. Then I went numb. Out of the corner of my eye, I remember looking at my hand on my mouse and realizing it was actually wobbling. Not shaking, but actually wobbling in an even manor. Yet I felt "fine".

 

But what struck me, is that I was mourning the future memories that I would not be able to have with SFG.

 

Thats exactly right. And I think its a common theme among a few of us "death-row" inmates of this section of the site

 

So Icemoto, here's my suggestion for you, taken from your own advice to me many moons ago:

 

I would tear him from the fabric of your existence. This will serve two purposes, 1) it will let him experience life without you; and 2) it will let you experience life without him. He sounds a bit like anokimj's boy, I suspect that you will find a renewed self and sense of freedom. A sense of yourself. You are very smart and have a huge capacity to feel.

 

Be strong, tear him from your life. Work hard to better yourself and prepare yourself for the next relationship - whether it be him or another.

 

I'm keeping on, and things are much better. I'm building my own life. And yes, I miss him terribly sometimes. The rest of the time I just miss him. But thats okay. I can handle that