She needs closure

[rolandk10]

I've been dating her for four months. I know it's not a very long time but it was long enough to let my heart open up and a really let her in. On all accounts, we were doing great. I was happy, she was happy and we were moving forward at a comfortable pace for us both. I know this because we had great communication and both knew how to compromise.

 

Two days ago, she spent the night (Not uncommon for a friday night. I'm 29, she's 28 ). The next morning, there were no problems. She had to go home, said I love you, hugged kissed...the usual. Today, I did not receive the norma 4:30 call that she gives me after she gets out of work. Not to worry, she doesn't always call just usually. I don't hound her or keep tabs on her every move but I like to here form her.

 

I got home around five and found a note that basically said, "I love you, you are perfect for me and I can't believe I'm doing this. An old friend That I cared deeply for contacted me. He was never able to love me before but has changed and I have to finish with him and get some closure. I don't know if I will be able to make it with him for the long haul but I doubt it. Rather than risk dating him behind your back, and possibly cheating, I'm going to find out what could have been. I love you and hope you understand that this is tearing me apart but it's something I have to do. I pray that you will still be available and want me if things don't work out."

 

Well that's the jist of it. I've thought about it and I think I see her side but obviously that doesn't make it fell any better. I guess I would like some input on this situation. I respect that she actually told me before cheating and have no doubts that she was truly happy with me. Two days ago, I could still feel her looking at me with her heart, I could see it in her eyes, she was here 100%. This contact from an ex happened in the time since I last saw her. I have no doubt of that.

 

For what it's worth, I sent her back a letter simply saying that I'm sorry that thigs worked out this way and that I hope she finds what she's looking for and that if she decides to come back to me I can't promise what will happen but I'll keep an open heart and mind.

 

The obvious question is why would she leave a perfect relationship but I think I have that one slightly understood. What I would like insight on is how the concept of closure can be so strong for her that she risks losing "us" for something she has her doubts about materializing in the first place?

[bronco2772]

Obviously, she knows that its not going to work out and is waiting for you when shes done. Doesnt matter how honest she seems to think what shes doing is. Bottom line, she chose to see this guy when things were going good with you. The question that you have to ask yourself is how much self respect you have for yourself.

[cobro]

Don't wait around for her, she will just use you. The same thing happened to me, she claimed she needed "closure" w/her ex. I let her go with a fight, now 3 months later she is having probs with him, calling me often, telling me they might break up. Do you want this to happen to you? I am being used as backup emotional support, which I am going to end. Cut contact immediately with her, believe me it is easier. Our women both left us for their ex's, it is their loss. They made conscience decisions, and will have to live with their choices. We will move on and find someone better. One day they will realize their loss, but it will be too late. Good luck.

 

cobro

[Lanni]

Yuck. Heres a different point of view. Imagine 6 months from now you are in a new relationship with someone and it is going great. You are having fun and thinking about a future. Then WHAM. There she is. All of your feelings come rushing back. You are so confused. She says that she made a big mistake and wants to know if you can try again. Suddenly your heart is in charge. You NEED to see what happens. That is what she is going through right now. Really, it isn't about you. Really.

 

Have you ever been so in love with someone that you can't think straight? Because I have. If you don't have "closure" with a love, your heart doesn't ever truly heal. All it takes is a chance encounter and it all rushes back. SO, maybe this is a blessing that it is happening now. If he is the wrong man for her, and he breaks her heart again, that is a chance she may have to take. She may not even want to but it sounds like her heart has taken over. I wouldn't want to find out years into a relationship or even a marriage that my husband never got over someone and they still had power over him. So, my advice to is to give her some time. Maybe you are supposed to be together, maybe not. But she did have the decency (however cowardly) to leave you that note because it sounds like she truly doesn't want to cheat on you. She is very conflicted so give it some time. Try not to get angry. Good luck Mister ~

[slider]

Sorry to have to point this out, but your ex DID NOT leave you to seek "closure" but to seek a "new beginning". Why would anyone leave a healthy relationship for ANYTHING else? Because it's the truth. Closure comes in different forms. She already had it in one way or another. Whether it be a calm talk or a door slam in the face. No one goes back to an old flame thinking that "it won't work". She has to believe that there's a chance it will. She's trying to keep hanging on for a safety net. Sorry for being so blunt but there is an upside to this whole thing.

 

On the brighter side, I do believe she still loves you and cares for you deeply, but she did the unfair thing by getting involved with you while not being over her ex - to the point that she could resist him at least. If it doesn't work out with her ex, I believe she'll try to come back. The thing is, will you want her back several months down the road when you're all healed and could withstand turning her away in a heartbeat? You'll have to think about that, and the possibility that she has the nerve to walk away with some lame excuse again.

 

You must take the most used line here - "move on". I do not admire your position and there are many on this board going through the same thing. My ex left me and is now dating someone else happily. I really hurts, but time, good friends, time, new girls, time, hobbies, time, no contact and time heals a heartbreak like no other. Soak it in and god bless you.

[rolandk10]

Thanks all for the time to reply to my post. Different points of veiw and all helpful. A little catch up....About 4 days later, she calls me and wants to meet to talk. About 10 minutes into the conversation, she says he's just the same and she was a fool for leaving me and will I take her back. Well, i did with no conditions but some understandings. some of these being that this would most likely be her one and only return reguardless of how I feel and that things are not going to pick up from where we left off. And also, I can not express strong enough how mush I urged her to consider ecerything before coming back. I didn't just gravel and thank her. I wouldn't even let her kiss me much as she tried because as of the time of this conversation she hadn't informed him yet. I just kept saying "You're free of me...make 120% sure this is where you want to be. You don't have to come back. Take more time if you need." She had decided.

 

After a week back together, I realized that trust was not the issue but rather my security or lack there of. I kept up a strong confident front but deep down felt worried that it was not long enough for her to figure it out. I mean 4 days just didn't seem right. I also realized that many walls came back up and it would take time for her to break back into my heart. Well, that being said, I know now that the insecurity was in our relationship and not in my self. I know this because today she told me that she didn't give it enough time and she's torn what to do. She started cry profusely because she still didn't feel closure but she knows she can't come back to me if she leaves again.

 

My reaction. I was composed as a vulcan . It's a good thing that I did'nt let her in all the way because I didn't really feel hurt and honestly I wasn't all that surprised. Apparently this decision was weighing so hard on her mind that she had to get some help at work for a panic attack. Well, being the sucker that I am, I knew I could alleviate her tension at work by just telling her that I'd consider giving her another chance if she chose to come back. I do have feelings for her and I can't just shut them off but I know the old addage..fool me once...fool me twice...so yeah, it's over. She would have to come up with some pulitzer winning begging to get me to take her back. A heart can only take so much.

 

By the way, I know I mentioned it but this time she did tell me in person.