Torn

[hope888]

Hi guys,

I need your help if possible.

I have had the same boyfriend for 10 years now. It's never been perfect. I make most of the effort in the relationship. I kinda follow him around like a puppy dog to be honest. This past weekend he totally disrespected me and was clearly playing eye tag with some girl right in front of our peers so after a day or two I asked for an apology for making me feel and look stupid and he basically said he will only apologize if I give him head.

I'm pretty sure he's being abusive......right?

Anyway, I've basically given up a lot for him...I no longer have any friends because I lost contact or ignored them. I pretty much hang out with his family and friends, and we also have a business together but he keeps the majority of our savings in his parents home. He keeps telling me it's half mine when we argue but if I ask to take half and keep it in a place of my choice he gets really angry. I don't have much college education and am worried about how I'll make my own income if I leave. I have basically lost myself I don't know who I am anymore without him and I'm really terrified to be on my own.

I know my problems are probably trivial compared to some of yours but I have noone to turn to and I would love your honest input.

Do you think I shoud leave? or do you think I could save the relationship?

[avman]

I'm pretty sure he's being abusive......right?

 

Abusive? Well I think that's a pretty strong word for what you've described.

 

He's certainly being a jerk. And if you aren't happy in the relationship, then certainly you should leave. You feel you are making all the effort and getting little in return. So yes, by all means end it if you are not happy.

[yeawutever]

I asked for an apology for making me feel and look stupid and he basically said he will only apologize if I give him head.

I'm pretty sure he's being abusive......right?

 

You should leave that self-conceited loser. Not only is he being abusive but only feeding you some more BS.

[lonestar_80]

How old are you?

 

Why have you guys not gotten married? I posted a topic about a situation like yours yesterday. I went out on a date with a guy that got out of a 13 year relationship and never married her. Why have you stayed with this man for so long?

 

I really do not know what to say about your relationship. It sounds like you have lost yourself in this relationship which is not healthily at all. I think you should first focus on trying to see what you can do to get some friends back or making new friends. I know that it can be hard to make new friends these days.

 

My concern is that he has been with you this long and has not married you. What is he waiting for? Only you can decide what you want to do with this relationship, but I have read in various articles that a man is less likely to marry you after 4-5 years in the relationship. If you want to get married and he does not then you should get out of the relationship.

 

I know that in some states the two of you have a common law marriage, so you might want to look into what your rights are. If you keep your money in his name then, I think that the money belongs to him. I am not sure (don't quote me on that). But it sounds like you may be in a sticky situation. Do you have access to your money if you wanted to get it back?

 

I think that people should try to work out their differences, but if you think that this man is using you or taking advantage of you, then you need to explore your options. Maybe you should go back to school. There are always opportunities to receive financial aide to pay for college. Just make sure that you make good grades so you can get a good job once you graduate. Most employers do not care where you go to school as long as you have a HIGH GPA. Unless you want to be a stock broker or something (then you would need to go an Ivy League school).

 

Anyway, maybe your relationship is worth saving but you still need to be independent of him. My father always told me that a woman needs to be able to take care of herself because she never knows what will happen, divorce, death, etc. I would not want you to throw away a 10 yr. relationship on a whim. But if he does not want what you want (marriage kids, etc.) and if he has not made up his mind by now (after 10 years) he may never make up his mind. It sounds like he is well established and at least over the age 25, so he should seriously consider marriage.

 

Good Luck.

[lonestar_80]

This past weekend he totally disrespected me and was clearly playing eye tag with some girl right in front of our peers so after a day or two I asked for an apology for making me feel and look stupid and he basically said he will only apologize if I give him head

 

I by passed that part...drop that loser. He is not worth your time, and he has been leading you on for ten long years.

 

If he said that to me... I would tell him to take a hike! He has no respect for you. If he was in the wrong he should at least be man enough to apologize.

[hope888]

I really appreciate all of your responses.

 

I guess I knew what your responses were going to be but strangely I

needed another persons conformation, someone to tell me I'm not

overreacting.

 

Honestly, I don't think I can leave him tonight. I think I need to think of what and where I am going to go and how I can secure my funds.

I need some sort of a plan.

 

Thanks again

[lonestar_80]

Girl! You are young and you can bounce back with a great career and find a better man! Don't let this guy waste any more of your time. Like I said before, I met a guy that dated a girl for 13 years and then dropped her like it was nothing. She was in her 30's, which is a time that is hard to have children in the late 30's.

 

Good Luck, leave him alone and get your money back!!!

[hope888]

I just have a couple more questions if you don't mind...

 

I'm just wondering what makes a person behave this way?

For example, when I'm project too much happiness, he always tries to bring me down a couple notches.

 

He pushes my buttons just to see me squirm. What reaction should I give to get a person like him off my back? (for future reference as well). Would no reaction be the right reaction?

 

I always feel like everything is my fault and that I'm never good enough.

How do I start to repair this?

 

Any input would be so great right now!

Thanx in advance

You guys have been awesome!

[lonestar_80]

I just have a couple more questions if you don't mind...

 

I'm just wondering what makes a person behave this way?

For example, when I'm project too much happiness, he always tries to bring me down a couple notches.

 

It sounds like your BF is insecure with himself. He tries to knock you down to bring himself up. He thinks that if he keeps you having low self esteem he will be able to keep you, without having to change his crappy behavior. Guys like this are the worst. He wants you to feel bad about yourself and keep you from thinking that you can do better (which you can). He knows that your optimism and positive outlook on life is a very attractive quality that many good men are looking for. You are the type of person that can enjoy life and turn lemons into lemonade. He does not want to lose you to anyone else, so he strives to make you feel bad about yourself. He may insult your looks or intelligence etc., but just know that there are a variety of men out there that find all types of women attractive. In addition, you can always become proactive in doing anything you want including going back to school. Anytime a person has to knock someone down just to feel good about themselves, this shows that they are insecure.

 

He pushes my buttons just to see me squirm. What reaction should I give to get a person like him off my back? (for future reference as well). Would no reaction be the right reaction?

 

Yes, no reaction is best. I have meet people just like this. The best thing you can do is keep your cool. Do not fight with him. Smile and keep your head up and tell him that you will not let his actions bother you. Once he realizes that he can't push your buttons anymore he has no choice but to stop or keep looking like an * * * * * hole. If his goal is to put you down to lift himself up, then you will begin to realize this. The only way a fire can burn is if you put fuel onto the fire. If you give him nothing to work with, he can't do anything. Also, if he tries to push your buttons after you give him no reaction, then he really is just trying to control you.

 

I always feel like everything is my fault and that I'm never good enough.

How do I start to repair this?

 

Just realize that you are good enough and you don't need him or any abusive man to validate yourself. God loves you just the way you are! God is the only one you have to answer to. Once you start to work on doing things to improve yourself you will see that you are good enough. He has isolated and controlled you to become a needy person that has to depend on him alone. He puts you down so you won’t become self-sufficient. You want to stay with a man because you love him, not because you have no other choice. It sounds like this guy is playing mind games with you to keep you in check. That is not healthy it is abuse and not love. Your boyfriend characterizes everything that love is not. If you have a Bible read 1 Corinthians 13, this shows exactly how love should be.

[hope888]

Thank you for the comforting words.

 

I definitely plan on regaining my independance.

 

The hard part for me is when I meet new people, I think that they percieve me exactly how he makes me feel (if that makes sense) and It's so hard for me to project a confident, outgoing image. I'm terrified of facing people because I think that when people meet at me they see a girl not worth anything that has low self esteem.

 

Has anyone been through this sort of thing?

Can anyone give me some advice?

 

You guys are the best!

So glad I found this forum

[voltaire]

You sound very sensible and realistic. Make a plan - get a job, maybe get into education, get a place to stay and get out. This man will only mess up your life in the long run.

[lonestar_80]

I dated a guy for four years and he told me that no one would ever want me because I am too shy. When that relationship ended I had low self esteem and felt awful about myself. But with the help of God I was able to get through this. My friends and family were really helpful, but there is only so much they wanted to here about my ex. My dad told me the only way I would get over my ex was to stop talking to him and stop talking about him. So I did! I decided that I needed to improve myself the best I can.

 

Well, my ex was wrong; I decided to ignore his opinion of me. I reconnected with old friends, went to school to get my MA, got more involved in my church, and built a stronger relationship with Christ. I never thought I could make it without him, but three years later I feel at peace. I no longer want to be with him and even when him comes sniffing around trying to get back with me, I am just friendly but I decline any offers of reconciliation with him. Improving yourself can be a long process but it feels really good to accomplish something on your own.

[sonjam]

All this guy did was break down your self esteem. If you start working on that, you will soon feel like a girl on top of the world again, which is what you are, but you have a warped sense of self, due to his opinion.

 

Stop believing everything he tells you, start telling yourself that you are smart, funny, pretty (even if you don't believe yourself at first) affirmations of yourself can make a world of difference. The less you let him affect you with the things he says, the stronger you will feel to get out