its been a while

[sukerbut]

well it has been a while since i have posted but im back for a quickie lol. I have been reading the post break up posts so decided to let some emotions and feelings out. Well its been 8 months since my break up and althhough i am in a much better place than i was 8 months ago, i still miss her terribly, I have also done alot of soul searching and even though i know it was not all my fault i still find myself taking the brunt of the break up blame. (maybe if i trusted a lil more , even though she3 was the reason i became a mad man, maybe if i did not get too comfortible with the family , maybe if i was on my best behaviour and did not drink like a fish in front of them, maybe if we did not get into stupid spats at the dinner table with her mom and family there)

See i have found a super girl right now...we truly are very compatible. she is a jokester just like myself..we make fun of each other with no grudges being held...we truly are very good together. She is very supportive of me, she adores me..etc. Yet i still sit and wonder why me and my ex could not be like that..why could we not operate like a team like i do with my current girl friend. Dont get me wrong i m starting to love my girl now, but i do not have the passion to make her happy liek i did my ex. I mean i would move mountains for her, my current girl tells me , you are not romantic at all..and that kills me inside..i just sit and shake my head in disbelif..thinking wow if she only knew. I miss finding ways of making her happy (my ex) i would light the room with candles , right poetry..etc. (by the way i have been in many loving relationships and yet she was the only one i went out of my way to do this for) .. and now befoere you enotaloners go and persecute me about not treating my current girl like this i kind of think thats the way it should be. It just feels right being mutually happy..casue she is..i treat her very well, we share many laughs and i have made her very happy..its nice not chasing , and feeling secure in a relationship, but there are times i miss the fire i had for my ex, i miss finding ways of making her happy. righting those stupid poems and sending those querky pic msgs. buying 100 dollars worth of aroma therapy jsut to soothe her when she had a bad day. It sucks because it kills me inside that she could not appreciate all these awsome things i did for her. the only thing i remmeber her saying is , dont get me wrong i appreciate you teaching me so many things and i dont regret being with you, but i can never picture marrying you. and that just plain SUCKS!

[Zoey]

bless what you have. =)

 

i'm glad you found someone who's compatible with you. I know being stuck with the "what if" and "I wonder why" sucks, I've been there. It doesn't lead me anywhere because there is no answer for it. I took it as it is and moved on. So I guess what I'm trying to type out is: Live up and enjoy fun with the current girl. =)

[Scotcha]

Maybe you don't do these things for your girlfriend in part because you are afraid. Your ex taught you your capacity to love and also how much hurt it can lead to. Are you holding back out of fear?

[Dako]

Sukerbut

 

I'm glad you're doing better and have a new lady.

That breakup was so hard on you, it may take even longer to put it in the distant past where it belongs. You might be more guarded with your emotions these days. It only makes sense.

 

I've chatted with a few guys that have been very hesitant to open up after a bad breakup. I'ts not uncomon at all to take a year or two before you can risk it again.

[sukerbut]

nope, not at all...the one thing that i do not carry with me is fear of gettign hurt. in anyhting i do. i fell of my bike in 2002 nearly lost my life, got back on it no problem...see this is why it ell you folks that i felt the ex was the one. like i said i have had many realtionships, long ones, loving ones, and yet i never did nearly as much as i did for cris (my ex) she just brought out a diffrernet person..its almost liek i just loved her so much that i hole heartedly wanted to do these things...i also know what love feels like..every girl that i have met fantasized about getting married and having a future with me...except this one..this time around it was almost like role reversal and i was the one doing things to make her happy and fantasize about getting married..so the answer to your question is no..i dont do these things for my g/f or any of my past girl friends not out of fear, i just dont have that fire and desire to do these things for them. my ex was a differnet story...this is why i have been hung up over this for so long. the ex just made me that happy (of course in a controlled environment and one on one) deep down inside i know the truth..i know that she never really loved me becasue i know what love feels like..and what she had for me was not love.(she would sit and tell me i just cant love you the way you want to be loved..what the hell does that mean)..i did all these things to try and win her over nad make her love me like i loved her (it did not wotk the first 2 times it sure was not going to work the third) it was the challenge, the need to feel love from this specific one..the one that always left...how can all the other s dream about a future with me excpet her...the truth of the matter is that yes i did these things becasue it was a chellenge but i also did them with my whole heart..i enjoyed making ehr happy. for once i was the one begging and longing for love...so no fear has nothing to do with it..its just desire..i do not have that any more. i never did in 31 yrs..she was the only one i ever dreamed about..teh only one that made me want to hang it all up and give her my all...my life my money my everything. I wanted that from her..but i knew it just was not there from her. so i pushed an di prodded and i got the truth before it was too late..call it a defense mechanism. You always follow your gut.