Do I Deserve Better, or should I accept what I'm being given

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

Hello everyone,

 

I have a story to tell and it is one of the hardest things that have happened to me in my almost 26 years of life and I need some guidance and some direction and both women and men can please feel free tp offe your opinions and advice.

 

In October of last year, I was searching for an old friend on ICQ and added this person to my MSN list and it turned out that it wasn't who I thought it was. It turned out to be a woman my age (25 at the time), who lived in Kansas City (I live in Montreal, Canada) and who was originally from my home city of Montreal. We talked quite a bit over MSN and I found out that she was engaged to a man and the wedding date was going to be the following June. The more we talked, the more she revealed to me just how unhappy she was with her life over there and her relationship. She was just about to loose her job, as a Youth Director of a non-profit organization and was forced to come back to Canada, because of Visa issues. It was supposed to be of a temporary nature.

 

I don't know how else to put it, but we fell for each other and she found solice, safety and comfort in my words and I found someone who cared about me and the chemistry was through the roof, or so I believed and at times even now, still do.

 

She was an overly confident and overly independent woman, who usually got her way and I realized just how coercive she could be. there were many topics that were taboo to talk about, unless she herself brought them up. I couldn't ever really strogly suggest things to her, or openly tell her how something she was doing or saying, was potentially hurting or bothering me. Her reactions from the get go, were of a very defensive nature and she would either very harshly and sternly and very abruptly put an end to the conversation, by means of yelling, screaming, and plain out intimidation and bullying. It was very clear to me that since day one, it was her way, or the highway.

 

I was blind to this behavior of hers, only focusing on the good and at the same time, opening my own heart up to her, in hopes that she would cradle all of my deep rooted fears and insecurities and those being, feelings of mistrust, neglect, disappointment and abandonment. I came from an abusive childhood, where I constantly saw abuse first hand, both on the verbal and physical side and it definitely scarred me pretty bad.

She knew, but overtime her reactions to my fears and insecurities and the major tow being, was that she was to open and flirtatious with other men and that she was going to leave me for someone else. This fear was never really tamed or calmed down, because of her hostile and aggressive reaction to my fears and doubts. Instead of reaching out and cradling me and washing away my fears, she got mad at me and reprimended me by attempting to threaten to take away her love, by use of withdrawing physically away and even so far as becoming very sarcastic and demeaning and cruel and hurtful and this made me feel that she was cold and heartless and wouldn't reach out for me and I became scared to open my true feelings to her over time, in fear of her reactions.

 

Over the months, I became weaker with her and would actually cry and get scared of her and she would really do nothing to hold me, or say she is sorry for reacting the way that she is and actually stopping in the process. I wanted her to be more soft spoken with me. I wanted her to be kinder and more sensitive to me and my fears, knowing what I had been through and seen as a child, but all along, I was becoming more and more of a little boy in her presense and she became more and more like a dictator with me. I don't know if I fed into her own fears and insecurities and drew something out of her, by constantly telling, or more so showing her that I do not trust her, or believe her and constantly telling her that she is a cold individual and a mean person, or if she in fact, was and is all of this and just bullied me around to keep me in lign and control me.

 

Things got much worse over time. I started to believe that she had two very distinct personalities, where one was a sweet and loving woman, who was cute and sensitive and compassionate and loving and affectionatea and the other side being, dry, abrupt, cruel, malicious, spiteful, aggressive, hostile, scarcastic, demeaning and overly opinionated and *beep* and most importantly self-absorbed.

 

It was a battle for me, because whenever I would break down and cry, she would become that tough *beep*, who wouldn't take any *beep*, but as sson as I got tougher with her, she would be soft and soothing and more in a sense, compliant. My nature is that of being soft spoken and extremely sensitive and caring and at times needy and I cannot be tough and so on and so fort for too long, without being true to myself.

 

She became more daring with me and started to push me around when I started falling apart and begging for her to stop being mean and caring with me and she would actually physically push me and order me to "GET AWAY FROM HER" and would constantly come to my appartment and take away everything she ever got me and would walk out of my appartment, to leave me lying there, crying and dying and feeling so abandoned, hurt and alone. Bringing out or re-enacting my all-time fear. This all culmiated one afternoon, where she had told me that an old friend of hers (a guy), was coming into town on a business trip and asked me if I'd like to go with her to the airport to pick him up. I could not understand that for the life of me, why someone you never mentioned to me before, is worthy of getting the royal treatment from my girlfriend and her not even asking me if I would feel comfortable with the idea or not. I was devastated and she did what she wanted to do. She never asked me what I thought. She never said she was sorry. She never admitted to being wrong, at fault, or simply taking responsibilty for hurting me, in a sensitive and personable fashion. So, I asked her out right if she was seeing another guy and then she hit me in the face and I fell to the floor, out of shear disbelief and horror and she immediately blamed me and said that I hit her too, by asking her that question and she said that I brough out the worst in her and then she called the cops on herself and said that she had assualted her boyfriend and after that, things changed between the two of us.

 

This was a little over two months ago and she promised and begged me to give her another chance and that she was going to go for help and that she is deeply disturbed and for me to give her the chance to stand by her, through this difficult time. I was forced to keep my distance from her and I stopped seeing her everyday and stopped going to her house and seeing her friends and family. I restricted it to email and maybe once a week in person. She acted very sweet and loving and made an effort of 100%, but I was not so easily convinced and I was scarred and still very hurt and made things hard on her, like she had done to me. Throughout the last couple of months, she has not acted in the same way, as she used to, but at times can become cold and hurtful and not reach out, but she now feels she is doing this, because she sees that I am not giving her the chance to change and I am asking too much from her and nothing she seems to do is over ever will be good enough. I want to let go and believe her and trust and I do believe in my heart that she wants the same and wants to be happy and we are cute together, when we smile and are connected, but she feels that I want her to be domeone she is not and that I am asking too much of her and she can't, or is not willing to give up that much of herself as a sacrifice for us and our love, because she will loose herself entirely in the process and I do understand.

 

She now wants reassurance and encouragement and for me to tell her that I am proud of her, for all of the progress that she has made, but I need to know that she is serious in changing and will not hurt me any longer.

 

What do I do, because I do love her and I am so hurt inside.

 

Please offer me some type of feedback, or advice.

 

Thank you,

 

Dan

[Tylin]

This woman is selfish and cruel and manipulative. If she were really sorry or really wanted to change, these things would not happen again. It is not your fault she acts like this, no matter what she says. You deserve someone who will love you enough to care about your feelings and put your well-being above their own. Love is not selfish or hurtful.

 

I realize she's not like this all the time, but there's a good chance that these behaviors will always be a part of her. Do you want to live with that for the rest of your life, never knowing which half you are coming home to?

 

Whatever you decide, know that you are worthy and deserving of love and compassion and understanding.