4 year relationship has ended.. help...

[vampyr]

I have been with this women for 4 years and finally knew it was time to ask her to marry me. She accepted and a week later she came to the house when I wasn't home and her and a guy took someone of her stuff and she moved out. The next day she came home to get some clothes and cried and cried and cried some more that she doesn't know why she is doing this to me. She said she wanted to come home on friday and get married. I couldn't understand what was going on and felt bad for her 6 yr old daughter who adores me. well... this weekend came by and she never called me or saw me. I knew it was over between us but still hoped. Finally someone called me today and told me she is moving in with some guy she met at work. I called around to get a hold of her because I was hurt and I wanted the ring back and for her to take the rest of her stuff out of the house because it was hurting me to see it all.

On top of that, the guy came on the phone when I was talking to her and he threatened me and called me names. I wasn't putting up with it. I was now glad to get her stuff out. Unfortunately she is trying to blame me for her leaving me. I am completely alone in this state as she and her daughter and her family were my only family. I need help badly as I feel like Tom Hanks in CastAway.

[EmptySoul]

wow. you sound like you really love/loved this woman. what she has done to you is not right at all. if she is leaving you for some other guy...well if you love someone and they dont love you back its not meant to be, no matter what you feel for that person. no matter what happens you can get though it, just take it one step at a time, one day at a time. i wish you luck...

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Vamp,

 

Sorry to hear what has happened to you, what happened to me may sound familiar.

 

> We were going together for 4 years

> We never argued and were very happy and had lots of fun together.

> She has 2 daughters that adored me and I them.

> She was the one that brought up the marriage idea, and I agreed.

> We were even planning a vacation together.

 

> 3 weeks later she ended it, no explanation, just that she was sorry.

 

I do know the pain your going through, I can relate big time. its a flood of emotions thats hard to sort out, I went through all kinds of stages, denial, anger, sadness, sorrow and fear. you love her but your angry, you think, if only she knew how much i loved her, and youll try to convince her of it. it doesnt work.

 

Im not sure whether you have been cheated on or not, nor can i even imagine why she left you. but i can offer you these words of advice.

 

Dont beg for her back, dont try and argue with her for ANY reason, dont try and convince her of your love, these things will only push her further away from you, believe me!.

 

Just tell her, your sorry for getting angry, that you were hurt because of what happened, and that if this is what she really wants you wont get in her way, but that your available if she needs to talk. and thats It. dont call her ask about her, write letters or e-mail, make NO CONTACT.

 

It very likely that someday she will give you a call, thats when you can decide if you can trust her again or not, if she doesnt call, she wasnt worth it in the first place, and you should thank your lucky stars you found out before getting married and not after.

 

If it does turn out she was cheating on you, frankly, i wouldnt look back, will it hurt to move on? yep! but it will pass. when one door closes another will open eventually.

 

As for the feelings you will be experiencing, dont fight them, let them come, and let them go, its all part of the healing process.

 

take care

[vampyr]

I do love her... and her daughter very much. She came over today to get some of her stuff and all she kept trying to tell me is that it is my fault that she is leaving. I didn't love her enough... I didn't have sex with her enough, I didn't do enough things for her, I shouldn't have changed the locks when she took the stuff out of the house. I just couldn't believe she has enough nerve to tell me I caused her to leave. Why would she do that to me? I realized when she was saying that, how much she was growing her hatred inside for me. She couldn't stand for me to be near her. She couldn't stand for me to look at her. All I could say to her was that I couldn't believe she had lied to me about everything. That I couldn't believe she is giving up so much that we had worked on. I told her that I am not mad or angry but only hurt by her. I had really worked on this relationship to make it last 4 years, but my instinct always told me it wasn't right. But eventually my heart took over my instinct and sure enough I should have listened. Since my first girlfriend broke up with me from a 2 yr relationship, I have never opened up completely until this woman came along... and I'm right back to where I was 10 years ago.

[vampyr]

When she came over today... I told her that I'm not angry or mad, only hurt by what she has done. I was upset at first when she came over, she even had the nerve to ask me to help put some stuff in her car. I said that I will never help her leave me. So I just stood there and watched her. I wanted so bad to put my arms around her and kiss her on the back of the neck, but I was more afraid of the reaction I would get. It would have been easier if she had just looked me in the eye and said that she no longer loves me. But she never said that... she told me excuses. She will come back over next saturday to get more of her stuff, unfortunately there are things her and I got together that she wants to take. I think she shouldn't have it, as that is the price you pay when you walk out on a relationship. She gave me the ring back without any hesitation, and I am glad for that. Though I can't believe it was just a week from tonight that she came over and cried in my arms and told me how much she loved me. It is truly heart wrenching to think of that day and knowing that she is putting herself through this pain.

[Gilgamesh]

I did forget to mention one more thing, my girl also turned the tables later on, she sent all my gifts back, then told all her family and friends that I had asked for them back, among other things, you see i learned one very important thing about human behaviour, and if you look around you will find it to be true. humans can deal with almost any emotion, hate, anger jeaulosy, etc. but one emotion above all that people will avoid at ALL costs, is Guilt! they will twist the tables, they will blow things out of proportion, the will do things to make you act a certain way, so as to justify what they have done. its amazing but true!!

 

this is why, that, the more you try to make her feel guilty about what she is doing, the angrier she wil be with you, and she will be forced to justify her actions in order to deal with that guilt.

 

thats why i suggest you stop all contact with her, leave her to her thoughts, i really believe its too late though, she has gone down that route.

 

my friend, someday youll look back, and be very grateful that you found out when you did. love is not easy, but it comes sooner or later.

[vampyr]

Yes indeed... she is definitely feeling guilty. So much so that she has tried to keep her parents out of this. But out of hurt, I called her parents and told them that she is moving out... more so for the safety of their grandaughter. I don't think a 6 yr. old should have to go through this. She has made so many excuses to keep from feeling guilty and she says things just to make me hurt. I just don't understand it. I am sure someone else is out there... but times like this I would take a hug from absolutely anyone who was willing to let me cry on their shoulder.

[Baffler Meal]

You are not alone,vampyr. This sounds very similar to what my GF did 4.5 weeks ago. Luckily, I have my family nearby. believe me, I know exactly what you mean about being right back were you were 10 years ago. Hell, I'm living with my parents. It seems that you are handling it a little better than I have, and by yourself, too. I am proud of you.

 

If you want to read my story, it is the cheerfully titled

[link removed My GF of 10 years abandoned me and I want to die. "

 

I would advise you to seek professional help, if at all possible. It will at least be someone to talk to in person. The people on this board are the greatest but I find it helps to talk to people in person, even if they are indifferent. You may be surprised at the kindness of strangers.

 

This will sound like nonsense to you, but it could be worse. If you were glad to be rid of her stuff you are a step ahead of a lot of us, I think.

 

Keep posting if it makes you feel better. It will be read. Log on here and cry all you want to. Nothing I can say will make it better right now. I wish I could. I'm sorry to say that it is going to hurt. Try to have blind faith in the advice that your situation and condition will improve with time. That is what I try to do.

 

Imagine if the Tom Hanks character had internet access on that island. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we support you in your healing process and wish you luck. Surely we are better than a stupid soccer ball!

 

Feel free to PM me anytime.

[bzborow1]

Add me to your MSN if you want man. I was in almost EXACTLY the same situation. I may be able to help ya.

 

My then gf said yes to marrying me, then a week later she told me she only said yes because she didn't think a guy she cheated on me with (one time) was going to e-mail her, well he did. At any rate, having gone through something similar to your situation I can tell you that everything Gilgamesh is saying is how you should handle this situation.

 

Lets get through the obvious, were there things you could have done? Probably. But who knows? Who knows if anything that happened would have really mattered? One thing is for sure, it's over and there's nothing you can do about it. She will not tell you she doesn't love you, she'll more then likely tell you (if u ask her) that she loves you as a friend.

 

Would you really want a girl who'll say yes to marry you and then move in with another guy ONE WEEK later? I don't know the situation but I'm guessing there may have been cheating involved here. Also, a girl who'll do what she's done tells me she really doesn't know what she wants in life, and the best part? It's not your problem anymore.

 

What should you do? There are two things you can do here, one way is to yell at her and tell her how much she's hurt you, and the other way is to just say goodbye. I suggest that you just be polite and say goodbye to her, no need for anger as it'll only reinforce the things she's made up in her head to convince herself she's doing the right thing by jumping in with another guy so soon. I think you need a clean break from her as of this moment. If you try to contact her or see how she's doing it's only going to hurt you more...I like to use the analogy of holding a barbell over your head, the longer you leave it the more it hurts.

 

What you need is a good break from her to recollect your thoughts, in time it will get better, but you can't start that process until you part ways. Perhaps some time down the road you may talk to her again, or perhaps not. But remember the most important thing here...you need to do what's best for you!!!! Look out for number one now (that's you).

 

That's my two cents.

 

Bill

[slider]

I agree with what everyone is saying here. Don't be angry with her face to face (inside it's ok), nothing you say will convince her to come back at this point. Only drive her away. The next time she comes to pick up stuff act as if you're doing fantastic without her - even to the point of helping her carry her stuff to the car. Here's how you make her think twice about what she is doing:

 

1) Act happy that she is leaving and be polite.

2) Show confidence that you can get along without her. Confidence is attractive.

3) Dress nice. Appear to be dressed up and going somewhere.

4) Here's the Key: Hurry her up, rush her to get what she's taking and leave. Let her know you have to be places and see people. Say something like, "can you make this quick? I need to meet a friend for dinner (lunch). I don't want to keep her waiting". Trust me, if you can slip that one in, you'll get her thinking. Getting dumped hurts, but there's NOTHING that hurts more than getting dumped for someone else. You know that by now. I do too. If she starts asking questions, just tell your ex, "oh, she just a friend who's helping me cope with all this. She's a good listener".

 

Fire with fire. Even if you're all dressed up and no where to go. Go somewhere and have a beer. It'll taste a lot better. You've planted the seed.

 

One more thing: If she starts the blaming thing again, just agree with her. Say "yeah, yeah, yeah it was all my fault, whatever. Can you please hurry up?" You must display attitude. In your mind you are the COLDEST SOB out there.

[vampyr]

Well... she called me today while I was at lunch with a friend from work. She asked if I could do her a favor... I wanted so bad to tell her to quit calling me. She wanted me to get her name off the electric bill, I already had a week earlier though. She said she was sorry that I was feeling so down. I just asked her if she was happy and she didn't really say anything about that. I said that her new man sounds controlling by the way he took the phone from her and talked to me. I couldn't believe she could ever do that to me. I can't believe she would leave me, her family for a guy that is already married with his own family. I feel sick.. I'm supposed to go work out but my stomach hurts so much that I can't eat. I thought about joining a church to help me get through this.. or finding someone to talk to about this. I just can't take this anymore.. I need someone to hug me and tell me it will be all right. I feel like I am being punished for loving someone. I might as well be in a prison because I feel so isolated from the world.

[bzborow1]

Yeah for me the not eating lasted about a week. What got me over that was getting out jogging a lot, for some reason the fresh air helped. As for your gf I wouldn't say anything to her about her new guy, he may be married but he's really not the issue here, the issue is your relations with your ex. Try to think of her as an "acquaintance", someone you talk to when you run into them, but nothing more.

 

It should also be noted that if she was to come back to you (doubt it) and make the committment you were seeking then it's got to be her that wants it. It takes two, you've proven you'd be there for her.

[Gilgamesh]

In light of the updated info you have posted, id have to say, the best thing you can do is not make any contact with her, and look forward, man i know its hard, i still once in a while start thinking about what happened to me, i get depressed and just shut it out. it gets easier as time goes by.

 

What are things that help?

 

Once she gets all her stuff out, (make shure she takes ALL her stuff) get rid of or hide anything that reminds you of her.

 

then, re-arrange the furniture, paint the walls a different shade, give away or hide any music you listen together with her, buy new CD's, get a new hair style, buy new cloths, go out and do something that you always wanted to do, but never had the time. join a gym, or do some kind of sport activity. the gym will really help, make it a permenent routine.

 

Go visit some friends that you havent seen since before your ex, travel to a city, or country you never have been to, do charity work.

 

the more experinces you have now, the further back this incident in your life goes back, it will just be an experience, it will just be something that "happened" in your life, you will find love again with someone that will treat you right!

 

take care

[vampyr]

I have to say I joined a local fitness club the day after I found she took her daughters bed and a rocking chair. I've been through this before and I knew what NOT to do this time.

An update... while I was taking the ring back, she called me on the cell and wanted to tell me about what her lawyer said concerning her daughter (a custody with the kids father that I helped retain her lawyer).

I simply told her that I can't talk to her nor do I want to and if she needs to say anything to call home on the answering machine and leave a message. Well, nonetheless the message was left, but she wanted me to call her. HA! Last time I called her, her "married sex partner" got on the phone and told me to get over the fact that she chose him over me. I was just releaved that someone finally told me, even if it did come from some guy who felt threatened by me.

Any who.. things are getting better. There are times that I think about something, like what she is doing right now, and I start to brood on it until I hurt myself. Why do I think like that?! I'm also finding songs that seem to fit PERFECT for times like this that I never noticed before.