If the chemisty and other things were there, why cldn't he fall "in love" with me?

[ninjagirl]

Hi,

 

I just decided to call it quits with a guy I was dating for about three months because he didn't want to commit and I was having a hard time reading whether he was excited about me. We had wonderful funny and fascinating conversations, really loved sex with each other, felt close bonds as friends, in all, we always had a fabulous time together. From our first meeting, both of us could tell we were a good "fit". We saw each other a couple of times a week, he called every two days, we took trips, I met his relatives and friends, etc. But when I cornered him about commitment he said he felt a love for me but didn't feel "in love." So I said we shouldn't see each other anymore--as friends or otherwise.

 

I can't help but feel that all the right ingredients for love were there (he said I met the list of everything he wanted in a woman, in addition to always making him laugh and smile, inspiring him, musing about the world and so forth). He was passionate in bed, held me all night, said he loved making love to me, but maybe I'm totally off and he didn't have chemistry for me. Or maybe he just didn't give it enough time to grow. Or, because he's very negative and picky and has commitment issues, maybe he's "blocked" and wouldn't know a great thing if it hit him in the face. All his friends and relatives rave about how awesome and interesting and gorgeous I am, but I always felt like he wasn't quite "seeing" me.

 

I should also mention that he's kind of in a dark place in his life right now. Hasn't had a long-term relationship in years, is scared of getting hurt, and by the way he talks about women, seems to be waiting for some gorgeous blonde Nicole Kidman-esque "Woman of his dreams" (I'm half-Asian, not exactly a vampy blonde) to come into his life and make him feel impassioned again. Sort of like thinking the right job will suddenly make everything good for him. Arrgh. He always told me I was extremely hot and sexy but never told me that he thought I was beautiful. He sent an email right after we broke up saying I was a very special woman and I'd left an important mark on his life. How can he not see/feel "in love?" It feels like he really should have been, and I'm confused why, if there was chemistry and friendship, it didn't grow.

 

Did I pop the commitment thing too early? I'm 32 and he's 46...and due to many short-term relationships in the past three years, he is very commitment-shy. Could it be timing? Should I just forget about it all and move on?

 

He would have continued with the relationship indefinitely if I hadn't suggested we call it off, but I said I didn't think we should waste each other's time. In addition, I was having a hard time "looking" for other people while I was attached to him. Guess I'm naturally monogamous, arrgh. So I'm doing the NC thing and laying low, trying to figure out why I'm so sad about him if I'm not in love with him either (but I definitely feel passion and a kind of love that could grow into more).

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post and any advice would be appreciated!!!

[chai714]

Ninja,

 

Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit down.

 

Ok, first off - good sex doesn't equal good relationship. If this were the case, every porn star would be married to their co-star. As humans, we require our partner share our views on life and more importantly, have the important things in common. Some important things in common include religion, morals/values, marriage, financial management, and more.

 

You may have felt everything was good, but he saw things different. If you really think it's because you're not blonde, then you're dealing with too shallow of a person and you know you're better than that!

 

If you were dating him exclusively for 3 months and you wanted a committment, that's not too early. For him maybe, but what about you? You breaking things off with him was the most self-loving thing you could have done. You knew what you wanted and you didn't want a "lifetime boyfriend" so that's a very respectable move you made. You care enough about yourself and your emotional fulfillment to realize he didn't want the same thing as you in the end.

 

Good luck and hang in there.

[Cute Band Rat]

This is tricky. You sound like a wonderful partner for someone...but chemistry is a funny thing. it's either there or it's not. It is something that cannot be forced. Yes...you SHOULD have had all the right "ingredients" for a relationship..but passion seems to be what was missing for him.

 

I recently learned that someone who dumped ME..is actually VERY attracted to me and feels chemistry..but he doubts he can trust me because of things that happened in the past. Will the "chemistry" outweigh the other things?

I don't know...but what I DO know..is the heart wants what it wants.

I think feeling a 'spark" with soemone is instantaneous..or its not. Hard to light the fuse once it's almost burnt out.

 

Sorry I couldn;t be more helpful..but it sounds like he doesn;t feel that "spark".

[shelly7]

Ninja,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling low, but trust me when I tell you, you DODGED A BULLET! Feel good about yourself, you did the right thing. Guys that can't commit, especially at his age, will never quite be what you want them to be, even if you stick around. There is someone out there for you that will give you what you want and deserve! Stay strong!

[hosswhispra]

Do you think some insecurities on your part got the best of you?

 

Did he come right out and tell you that he wanted a woman that looked like Nicole Kidman?

 

Was he dating anyone while you two were together? What type of committment were you looking for? A marriage proposal?

 

Three months is a small time frame, in my opinion. It's completely normal to go through some uncertainty, as well.

 

I know you said that you have trouble looking to see if anyone else is out there while you were dating this man (that's kind of like me, too ). But what about keeping the 'door' open with this man as well as others? You could stop sleeping with this man and continue to date him---as well as dating others. This would leave the door open with him as well as others--and there is nothing wrong with that.

[ninjagirl]

Thanks for the posts, they are helpful. And this is the first time I've ever broken up with someone, so it's good to know I can spot the bad ones more easily now.

 

But I'm still confused. How could he have not felt a spark for me if I felt one for him? Why would he love sex with me so much? And I guess the bigger question...what is it about me that prevents people from feeling a spark for me? The last few guys I've gone out with have been like this. It's starting to make me feel like something is wrong with me. I know there are guys out there who would do anything to be with someone like me, but the last three times I've felt a spark for someone who feels nothing back. And I'm considered a pretty postive, fascinating, beautiful, sensual, etc. person. Arrrrrgh.

[hosswhispra]

The last few guys I've gone out with have been like this. It's starting to make me feel like something is wrong with me. I know there are guys out there who would do anything to be with someone like me, but the last three times I've felt a spark for someone who feels nothing back. And I'm considered a pretty postive, fascinating, beautiful, sensual, etc. person. Arrrrrgh.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, ninjagirl.

 

Maybe you're unconsciously pushing the committment issue too early. Men tend to sense that and feel pressured.

[CluelessGuy321]

Right or wrong choice? I dunno. Don't know both your personalities and situation enough.

 

Unable to commit @ 46 though? Yeesh...

[RayKay]

It just sounds like he was not yet sure of his feelings, or sure it was enough to take it to another level.

 

If everyone felt the same feelings in return for anyone that liked them, there would be no rejection in this world. It does not always turn out the spark is mutual or that they see in you the things they are looking for themselves. Their list of preferences, attractive qualities, may be different than yours.

 

At 3 months, sure you deserve to know whether there is some commitment there/exclusivity, but that being said, it's also really early to expect there to be "true love". That takes time, and a lot more say experiences together to truly develop. Maybe he felt a bit pressured too say "yes you are one forever!" and was not ready to say that, so didn't. Which is a good thing for him to do in my opinion.

 

Maybe a lot of it is your own insecurities too. So he called you hot, sexy but not beautiful? Not everyone uses the term beautiful? And I think that even if they do, that too takes time once you know the inner person. How do you know he looked for a vampy blonde? He may have been extremely attracted to you for whom you were! Most people have preferences, but they do not have these exact, precise types that MUST be met.

 

Maybe though ultimately, the timing, and the fit, just was not right. Sometimes while there may be initial chemistry, there are some big incompatibilities or a failure for it to develop into more than that initial lusting, crazy phase.

[ninjagirl]

Do you think some insecurities on your part got the best of you?

 

Did he come right out and tell you that he wanted a woman that looked like Nicole Kidman?

 

Was he dating anyone while you two were together? What type of committment were you looking for? A marriage proposal?

 

Yeh, I definitely went through some insecurities. He wasn't dating anyone else, it turns out, but didn't want to have the door shut on investigating other possibilities if it came up (not that he was actively searching). He never said he wanted someone like Nicole...but I know he has a thing for blondes/redheads (yes, my insecurity, I know..). I wasn't looking for a marriage proposal (!), but I just hated the feeling I got when I knew he was constantly doing things with other female friends (who I didn't know if he was pursuing) and he only proposed we hang out kind of last-minute on weekends, like the day of. It would make my imagination take over as to who else he was going out with (although it was usually just one of his close female friends) and why he wasn't making time in advance for me.

 

He HAD TO have been attracted to me...he would bite my shoulder, moan, and tell me how sexy I was and things like that all of the time...but I guess sexual attraction and spark (even if the mind/life principles thing is there, which we definitely had) aren't the same thing.

[hosswhispra]

Insecurites can play on the mind. Perhaps you were looking for an affirmation from him that he felt the same way that you felt about him?

 

Let him go and concentrate on yourself for now. My thoughts are that he'll probably seek you out again, when he's not pressured.

 

I've learned a lot of life lessons through horses. The tighter you pull on their reins the faster they run. If you relax and ease up on the reins, a horse will comeback to you. If you're leading a horse with a shank and they spook, they'll back up and start to pull in the opposite direction you're leading them. If you pull the shank, they'll resist more. If you ease up on the shank and give it some slack, they'll stop pulling and actually stand still and then start walking towards you. I am not saying this guy is a horse Just trying to relay my thoughts in an analogy.

 

Date others but keep the door open to this guy. However, don't always be available for his "last minute dates", either.

[esboogie143]

Ninjagirl- your post is kinda scary to me because if you read my last few posts, we are IN THE SAME BOAT!!! Mind you I am dating this guy for 6mths already (exclusively) but w/no committment!! I dont underastand it myself but it is what it is. Im on the verge of letting go but DONT KNOW HOW TO Everytime Im angry enough to do it i talk to him and the feeling of telling him we are done goes away....him and I are going nowhere and if I dont end it we will stay "seeing" one another forever!! So I myself need major help with this!! Good luck to you!! And you can pm me whenever u like!

[Cute Band Rat]

Hosswispra I LIKE the horse analogy....it really does relate to people. The tighter you hold on the faster they will run.

To the poster..........whatever you do...do NOT compromise yourself for this

guy in ANY way. There is NOTHING wrong with you...at all. Don't ever feel bad for not being someones "dream or fantasy" girl. That's extremely unrealistic AND unfair. You are beautiful...and he missed out. Period.

[ninjagirl]

You guys rock. Yes, I like the horse analogy.

 

It may be a good experiment to see if I can "date" him and keep looking for someone else. I really miss his company. But I hate the freaking insecurities/clinginess that seeps in when we're involved. I'm just going to lay low. I'll be curious to see if he comes trotting back. Or maybe I should line up a few other beaus first.

[RayKay]

Hey ninja,

 

I wanted to also say...be glad you found this out earlier. My last ex decided he was not "in love" with me about 6 months in...but kept me around another year. His attitude towards me was off and on, very confusing, painful, and I never knew why. It took me a long time to heal after the breakup - not due to breakup itself, but due to the emotional up & down's he put me through the whole year he spent "not wanting to lose me but not really wanting me either".

 

You deserve better than that! Be glad you found out now, so can move on with your life

[Siriana]

You've done the best thing! Don't even consider thinking that you have done something wrong! He was in an open relationship with you after 3 months. You wanted more. He said no. You've duped him. Now the only thing you need to do is finding someone better.

[Momene]

It can seem like we can't find someone we like who likes us or the timing's wrong but we have to keep trying.

[lostNspace]

Ninja,

 

You did the right thing. I'm 36. The guy I WAS dating is 45. Your story completely parallels mine with one exception - I was stupid enough to "tough it out" for a year and a half thinking he'd "come around." What a waste of my time. Why? Because not only did he not "come around" he went and asked someone else out behind my back and then lied to me about it.

 

I'm still in the no-contact stage and it is hard. (I broke up with him less than a week ago). I admit, I do miss his company. But like you mentioned, if I'm dating him (and I only date one person at a time, too) and it isn't going to work out, then I'm denying myself the opportunity to find what I need and want by staying in a dead-end relationship.

 

3 months - no, I don't think that's too early. If you were 17 and he was 19, maybe. But, not at our age. We've been around long enough and experienced enough to know what we want and what we need. And, long enough to know that honesty IS the best policy when it comes to relationships.

 

I wish I could give you more advice, but I'm in the same boat right now. Read my post "Devastated" under the Relationships section. It will give you some idea of where your relationship would have led had you not ended it now. Believe me, you did the right thing. I say this from experience.