Ever been dumped but "knew" that they would eventually come back?

[blindreepr]

Has anyone here ever been dumped and then realized after a couple weeks of LC/NC that even though they may of not shown signs of wanting back yet, that they eventually would?

 

I feel that I KNOW she is coming back (unless she turns out to be bat sh** crazy, she'd have to be to not want me back, lol) and now I am just trying to decide what I will do when she does come back, and if I even want her back. Anyone else ever felt that way? How did things turn out?

[mikeca]

I thought this at first, but some might call it denial...

 

now I just dont know...gotta have a little faith but at the same time take it day by day.

[shelly7]

I wish I could answer you from experience, but my situation has only been two weeks. I feel the same way, at times. Especially since my ex never had the nerve to actually completely end things. He liked the idea of leaving the door open for the future. UGH!! I know I should never take him back, but I do find myself fantasizing about what I would say if he did try to come back.

 

Great Questions!

[blindreepr]

Is it denial or is it getting back the confidence that I had before I started the relationship plus a little bit of misplaced faith. I am so confident in myself right now that I don't see how she could not want to get back with me, unless I am thinking she is smarter than she actually is. I'm not going to call her up or anything, I have her blocked on aim and my profile on myspace is set to private. If she wants to get a hold of me she can leave me a voicemail since I wont answer my cell phone or email me. The thing is that I am not actively pursuing her at all, I have been using the last 3 weeks to better myself, and I know she already has a positive view of me since the last time I saw her she was way more excited about seeing me than I was seeing her, and if I have taken that positive view of me and improved it how could she resist? Its only be about 4 days of NC after 4 weeks of LC, so I dont think she has fully realized that her safety net is gone, but when she does come to that realization I am fully expecting to hear from her. denial? maybe. But I think its more a testament to my renewed self confidence since even if she doesnt call me wanting to come back I know that its nothing wrong with me, I've improved dramatically, it would HAVE to be something wrong with her.

[joyce1412]

i thought that a couple weeks after the breakup, and held the belief for a while. it was when people were telling me to open my eyes to the facts of the situation that i realized even the greatest people don't get their lovers back. i know it's happened to a couple awesome people i know...life isn't always fair, unfortunately.

 

then again, i've had that feeling about someone who dumped me in the past, and he did come back around. not that i wanted him by then...but he did come back.

 

still, it's not a science. we will all get rejected many times in life, no matter how awesome we are.

[blindreepr]

i thought that a couple weeks after the breakup, and held the belief for a while. it was when people were telling me to open my eyes to the facts of the situation that i realized even the greatest people don't get their lovers back. i know it's happened to a couple awesome people i know...life isn't always fair, unfortunately.

 

then again, i've had that feeling about someone who dumped me in the past, and he did come back around. not that i wanted him by then...but he did come back.

 

still, it's not a science. we will all get rejected many times in life, no matter how awesome we are.

 

 

I guess the key is finding the line between expecting them to come back and preparing for it, and wanting them come back and not letting go because of that want.

 

My "awesomeness" is not the only reason I expect her to come back, another reason is the fact that she basically ditched all her old friends for a new group of friends that approves of what she is doing right now. Friends that she shares nothing in commen with interest wise other than they fact that they like to get drunk and be sexually open with. That will get old fast, the fact that they dont like the same music, movies, books, style, etc. But then again who knows, it may of been a charade the entire time she was with me, it wouldnt be the first time that a girl has pretended to be something she wasnt while she was in a relationship with me, so that she could impress me, and then afterwards did a complete 180 and i saw who she really was. I guess only time will tell.

[Riggz41510]

Sometimes when they come back its often worse.. You may wonder who was she with during the break up? Or if they ever bad mouthed you etc..

 

I have been dumped twice only to have her come back both times, once she felt I was kind of moving on so to speak..

 

She may come back.. Both times she broke up with me I thought it was over for sure but she came back..

 

I had a lot of pain and resentment towards her, but I just always thought time would help.. Never really got to try it out for the long haul because we ended up breaking up again

[friscodj]

This question bleeds from the heart of denial, no question. Listen to what you're saying, you feel she is coming back even though she ended things... If this is not denial, I don't know what is.

 

But the denial goes deeper than you think. People, you, me, everyone else at one point or another, is totally missing the bigger picture here. You're subtly viewing "getting back together" as a goal, a target, something to aspire to.

 

But the "getting back together" part is only the first step. What about after you get back together, assuming you do? There was a definite reason or reasons the split happened in the first place. A lot of times people think they've addressed these reasons and "fixed" them but really they get back together under the guises of lonliness, avoidance of grief, desire to prove they did not fail, and a host of other wrong reasons...

 

And as I have seen time and time again in my own life, once the break happens, things are never the same. The whole balance and chemistry of the relationship is skewed. There is no such thing as "starting all over"...

 

So yeah, this question is showing me denial, clear as day. And you need to look past the act of getting back together and look further into a reconciliation. Your view of it is like fighting hard to get into college XYZ. Yeah, that's great, you got in, all that means is you have been allowed to work your * * * off and pay them a bunch of money to do so...you get the picture...

[Riggz41510]

That was deep.. You are very much right "getting back together" is looked at as a goal, simply because that's what our hearts feel will make us be whole again. Well at least I know that's what it was for me.

 

Exactly as you said once you get back together there are still another long list of issues that were never resolved. Its hard work trying to "start all over". You will be on a emotional high for a while just because you've been wanting that for so long, but best believe when that high comes down you are questioning if it was the right thing to do.

 

How many of us have really contemplated leaving the relationship prior to being dumped? I know I was. I was miserable most of the time, but as soon as she dumped me I quickly forgot about the miserable times and was only able to focus on the good times.. How crazy is that??

 

It's so easy to say what you are going to change, but actually doing it is a feat within itself.. I have rally been trying to remind myself of how I was feeling towards my ex 2 months prior to the break-up. I was thinking of leaving her..

 

We all know.. Well at least the guys, one of our biggest fears is our ex getting a guy with a bigger package, a better job, a better car etc.. The thought of that haunts us... For me thinking of some other guy pleasing her sexually makes me sick to my stomach.. I don't want her to get a better man than me.. Or at least what is perceived to be a better man than me!! Just being honest

[joyce1412]

I feel that I KNOW she is coming back (unless she turns out to be bat sh** crazy, she'd have to be to not want me back, lol) and now I am just trying to decide what I will do when she does come back, and if I even want her back. Anyone else ever felt that way? How did things turn out?

 

say what you will, but i think your hopes are a little too high, especially since you are saying you will try to decide "what to do" when she comes back. you're counting your eggs before they hatch. make a deal with yourself that you'll figure out what to do if and when the time comes that she reappears and/or asks for you back. no use plotting a thousand different responses to something she may or may not do.

 

i know it's easy to be a naysayer, but i just think your focus is off right now. focus on yourself. i'm not saying you can't think about her, but when you do, definitely think about whether or not you SHOULD get back with her, as you were saying.

 

and all i'm saying is...is she crazy not to want you back? maybe. but let's be frank, she does not appreciate what you have to offer right now. you cannot MAKE her appreciate what you have to offer. and she may NEVER appreciate what you have to offer, and in that case, she may not be crazy, she might just not be right for you. and you will find someone else who IS right for you and will never leave you.

 

i'm not criticizing you, i was very much in your camp a few weeks ago. it's just that i figured out it wasn't good for me in the long run to be in "HIGH HIGH HOPES" territory.

[friscodj]

chedda-

 

I have felt exactly the way you alluded to in your post above. Everything down to the last word.

 

I would like to expand on the topic of changing oneself and "giving it another chance" with your ex.

 

I have done this. I have felt like I screwed up, ruined the relationship, and realized why. It is very powerful I have found to tell your ex this discovery, to admit guilt and take responsibility for the break up. But...

 

When you do this, you change the dynamics of the relationship. You have essentially said that it is up to you to correct not only yourself but the relationship as well. If they take you back, I've found things to be one-sided. And time and time again, I see that one-sided relationships don't work! I believe people can change, but the change takes time and effort from both people working as a team to do this. But the catch-22 is you took responsibility from her and onto yourself! That's a contradiction that no amount of pain, suffering, hard work, etc. will overcome....you only end up losing yourself!

[brando]

The biggest problem i think remains is that the dumpers beliefs about their dumpee. One can change, and realize the mistakes made, and want to go back, but until the one who ended can change their beliefs, their perspective on the one they dumped, things cannot work out.

 

Luckily, though if one does realize the mistakes made and looks within themselves, then they can heal properly, and persue a new relationship with these things in mind, and no longer in the way of developing a heaqlthier relationship.

[RayKay]

I think everyone goes through this stage. It really is part of the denial, and the self protective mechanism.

 

I think more often than not, if you ask someone newly dumped, they would say "they don't realize what they are giving up, they will regret it!".

 

Guess what? You can be totally awesome, fantastic, amazing, a great person, a great catch....just NOT the catch your ex wants to have!

 

Anyway, it's a normal part of healing. Will it hold you back? Yes, if your focus remains on them coming back and you kinda of "stall" your life as a result. I really think it's best to see the future as an open book, what will be will be. And realize sometimes what we truly want and need is not what we thought we did.

[iceman85]

I have felt this, and yes in alot of cases I think its pure denial. Right after the breakup you go through a stage of disbelief and shock. So you think that it cant be possible and that they have to come back. Then when your going through the other stages I think alot of people still hold out hope until their completeley over someone.

 

Right now however I feel like some do here. With my ex when she ended it I just had a feeling that it wasnt over for good. I was standing in her house and as I was about to leave I just stood in the door and I just felt that it wasnt the last time I would be in that house, I just felt like it wasnt the last time and I dont think it was a feeling of denial, I just really felt that from within. So who knows.

[brando]

iceman,

 

I had the sam efeeling,, not sure if it is real, wishful thinking, or part of the denial process...

[sadk]

It seems to me that more people don't re-unite than do. So, if you're looking for support, you won't get it. Miracles are even rarer, but they do happen. You go to somebody and tell them you're relying on a miracle, you won't get much support.

 

But!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Here's the thing. Sometimes, some things require faith in order for them to happen. Negative words are NOT going to help you. I've been through all this. The ups, the downs, the "forget her, move on" comments, friends telling me to "SHUT UP" about her, people telling me I was in denial.

 

And so what? If I was, IF I AM, at least it's for a worthwhile reason. I believed she and I had a perfect soul love that was tainted by human flaws. I wanted to work on the human stuff, but focus on the soul love. I also wanted to work on being more loving and being a better friend. And what is wrong with that? Even if we don't end up together, what is wrong with that? It's been a year since the day she told me it was over. So I have logged 365+ days where someone told me something (and has since told me that she doesn't want to get back with me and is not in love with me a few more times), and yet there has not been one single day in there that I did not believe she loves me. Not one.

 

Everyone told me to protect my heart. From what? Straight up, I didn't know one-tenth of what I now know about love. Most of what I learned came in the past 365+ days. My ex surprised me last weekend with a visit. We had fun, we laughed, we went to a movie, we did little things for each other, and then she left. There was no talk of reconciliation or a future. But my heart felt good. The day after she left, it felt good again. Today, it still feels good.

 

What was I supposed to protect?

 

I say screw it. If you want to believe the very best will happen to you, why the hell not. If you really want to protect your heart, protect it from negative views of the world and of your future.

 

Now, I'm going to throw in a caveat. If two people belong together, time apart is not going to affect that. I would suggest taking some time. Some NC. I found it helped me learn. I found that it helped me look at her with a fresh eye. I can look at her now and think, "Hmmmm ... she's imperfect. I thought she was perfect. She's not." But I still love her. I didn't know about this kind of love 365+ days ago.

 

Sean

 

"In this sense they show us how to live, how the only barometer you have is your heart, how when you spot your flower, you can't let anything get in your way."

[Cute Band Rat]

Sean I like your outlook..because it's realistic. I have heard all the advice too.."just move on" "most people don't get back together". Yada yada yada...and most people are truly trying to help you move on with the least pain as possible. They mean no harm. But for a dumpee..hearing "yeah maybe if you keep the faith it can work out' it's music to our ears. Is that denial?? Maybe..but I think it's us following our instincts that scream this IS the right thing to do. Who knows us better than ourselves?? Having faith sometimes means going against well intended advice..and following your own heart. Sometimes it works ..sometimes it doesn't ...but in the end..we can go to sleep at night KNOWING we did what felt right in our gut.

[sadk]

I agree Band Rat. Imagine you're 70 and someone asks about the love of your life. "Oh, I was so in love, but we had some problems, so I moved on." Oh, good.

 

You know, I thought all those people just wanted me to shut up about my ex. I'm not sure if they wanted me to be happy as much as they wanted me to stop being sad. Or at least pretend to be okay. The sooner the better.

 

One day, I said to my brother, "If she'd died, would it be okay for me to be sad and still miss her after 10 months." He said yes. He stopped asking me to be sad.

 

But something more important is at stake. After one year of not avoiding the emotions, I feel like I walked through the fire, and I feel good. I still love her, but let me tell you something. I have a box of old memories. Looking at them used to pinch at my heart. Last night I felt like I'd passed a watermark. So, I looked through them, and I felt WONDERFUL. I felt the love we shared and it didn't pinch at all. It made me really happy.

 

It's possible that there's something more fulfilling than running from the feelings. Maybe I'm more of a human being for reliving the pain I caused. Maybe my heart is bigger. And I can offer her that now, even if it's just as a friend, maybe that can help her heal. NC/LC is still valuable and important for personal growth, for psychological air. She and I once talked about how everyone said it was impossible to be friends afterward, but she said, "Somehow we seem to muddle through." And we were always REAL friends. It wasn't politeness. When I was driving to Toronto once to have a tense meeting with my ex-wife, I told her I'd call her when I got there. Well, four hours before I got there I spotted the phone box where I called her the first time we ever talked. I called her and the first words out of her mouth were, "Can you get electrocuted if you talk on the phone in the shower?" She brought the phone into the shower in case I called her. And if she was travelling somewhere, she'd call and let me know she got there. In fact, when I was coming back from Toronto that time, she asked me to call her when I got home. I said that it would late, at least a few hours after she went to sleep. She said call her anyway.

 

I don't have any other friends who do that kind of thing. I don't think I ever have. I'm supposed to give up a friend who cares that much about me? To avoid some sad times?

 

I don't think so.

 

Sean

[mikeca]

maybes theres a fine line we all walk between denial, and hope/faith. I mean its one thing to start planning out whats going to happen when they come back, and another just to keep that positive light for them in your heart.

[blindreepr]

i would think planning on what you want to do if they come back is better than keeping a positive light for them in your heart, cause if you decide you wont take them back if they come back that definitely isnt a positive light for them atleast.

[mikeca]

what I meant was "oh when they come back it'll be like this and this and I'll change this" kindve attitude when in reality no one can be sure if they are coming back

[NCTuskie]

A few relationships ago, the girl I was dating called me about noontime. She was upset. She told me that she didn't feel right being with me, because she had just left a relationship with a man, who she dated for over a year. She said that she didn't feel like she could "give me her all", and she said that I deserved more than that, blah, blah, blah.

 

In all honesty I was glad to hear her say that, because I was growing tired of her, and I thought that she needed to have some time for herself before jumping into a relationship. BUT I KNEW that she would make up for me within a week. She made up within 6 hours. I eventually broke it off a month later.

 

Fast forward to today, I almost received the exact same conversation from my present ex. Except this time I've been desperately waiting for her to call back to make up. Hasn't happened yet.

[Cathy1]

What was I supposed to protect?

 

I say screw it. If you want to believe the very best will happen to you, why the hell not. If you really want to protect your heart, protect it from negative views of the world and of your future.

 

 

I found Sean's post closest to my perspective and my point of view. If someone chooses to believe that their ex still has feelings about them and may act upon that – allow this people to have that feeling – to think that! Don't feel obliged to "bring them back to reality" or something… Because they are probably right…Deep down, I'm sure that they all KNOW the truth – if they really instinctively felt that the other person was not into them any more, they would not be so sure about their feelings and expectations….

In my case, I don't think that even once happened that I believed someone still cared, and that was not the case. Mind you, I also had situations when after the break up I still cared for the ex, but did not have this feeling of faith and this belief that my ex still wanted me. So, my guess is that we somehow always instinctively know how things are really going in the minds of our exes….

But even if we are sometimes wrong – so what – let us be and think that we're right, that "he" still cares for me and wants me…It's definitely better to think that than to think "I'm worthless, he doesn't want me, someone else is better.." I really don't know how belittling someone can help them get better after the broken relationship…

I'm saying all this because recently I was in a situation where a friend of mine was telling me how my ex is over me, although I had information that he was fishing info about me from my friends, he was hanging around my neighborhood, which he never did before, so I presumed that he wanted to meet me "accidentally" and so, but she did not even want to accept this as a positive sign and just kept the negative perspective on the whole thing, and whatever positive I would report, she would have found something to try to prove that I am wrong and that he is over me…. She even went that far to present the girl he was dating at the time (and it was obvious that I am "better" than that girl) as somehow as a more of a challenge to him……

As much as friends can do things like these with good intentions, in order to let you to leave your past behind you, I do not really see how this can help. Destroying all the positive feelings and replacing them with negative, together with glorifying "the competition" - that cannot be a good thing so don't allow somebody to do it on you. In my case I did not allow it – I told to my friend that I was tired with all this negativity. Now she has been insulted and won't comment anything about my ex any more, but I feel that I have done the right thing. Generally, I have a positive outlook on the world and I am strong and confident person. Also, I have doubts about myself, like any normal person, I would also add, but I think that friends' task is to help you overcome these doubts, chase away such negative feelings if they happen to "attack you", not support them and reinforce them…..

And as Sean said: "If you really want to protect your heart, protect it from negative views of the world and of your future. " These are exactly the negative views I have been fighting.

And good luck to all of you who feel that your ex may not be over you - because, he probaby isn't!

Cathy1

[jacoby03]

As the title suggests, I feel as if my ex will come back. This is coming from the history of our relationship where she broke it off with me to see if there was anybody out there better than me. Her line was, "if I can't find anyone else it just proves we're meant to be together."

 

We did get back together and I thought that was that. But she recently is pulling the same stunt, and I absolutely know she'll want me back.

 

I don't feel like I'm in denial because I'm working off of personal experience with this girl. It doesn't give me any more confidence though, because now I have to think about whether she deserves me.

 

If I have any advice it is that "knowing" she'll be back is different in every relationship. It can be a good thing if you feel like getting back will be healthy, and a sad thing if it is something routine. HTH

[pablovblack]

As the title suggests, I feel as if my ex will come back. This is coming from the history of our relationship where she broke it off with me to see if there was anybody out there better than me. Her line was, "if I can't find anyone else it just proves we're meant to be together."

 

We did get back together and I thought that was that. But she recently is pulling the same stunt, and I absolutely know she'll want me back.

 

She doesnt sound very committed to me, ](*,)