Is this normal??? Desperate question about toddler..

[fishrrshortae]

Hey every1,

 

Please please PLEASE help.. My son (almost 3) has been behaving really badly for the last month or so. For some reason, all of a sudden now he has started this thing where he'll say "I want it!" (whatever "it" is).. then immediately after he'll say "I don't want it!" And back and forth, regardless of what I say to him.. For example, when I put him down for naps I turn on his fan. He'll immediately say, "I don't want it!" So I go to turn it off, then he'll say "I want it!" and he'll go on like this for an hour.. If I just give up and walk out of the room and tell him to go to sleep, he'll scream his head off for an hour straight! This "I want it/I don't want it" game occurs for every little thing. I've tried everything I can to stop it and nothing's working..

 

He just throws horrendous tantrums if he doesn't get his way, screaming and yelling and trying to hit whoever is trying to calm him down.

 

I'm at my wits' end with it. It's gotten to the point where I've come thisclose to slapping him but I really don't want to do that.. but he's trying my patience beyond its breaking point! I find myself getting extremely angry with him when he acts like this, and I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I have just let him scream for an hour straight because I just can't deal with him. I feel like the worst mom in the world because I hate being around him when he acts like that. I am not at all enjoying the time we spent together like before, because he's always acting up .. and I dread having to take him anywhere.

 

Please help, anyone

[melrich]

First of all your feelings are completely normal. All parents of toddlers sometimes get to a point where their anger threatens to explode.

 

There is tons of literature available on the net to help you to deal with your boy.

 

Essentially, between 2 and a half and 3 and a half toddlers start to realise they are independent people. They will test that independence in many infuriating ways. Essentially they are trying to work out what the boundaries are. They actually want you to set those boundaries for them but they will always try and push them.

 

Never give in to a tantrum. It sets a precedent in your boy's mind...throw tantrum get what I want. Remove him from any stimulii (a quiet room is good) make sure he is safe and knows you are close by and let the tantrum wind down of it's own accord. Never try and reason or argue with a toddler when they are having a tantrum, it only makes it worse. Ignore the behaviour as much as possible.

 

As I said there are so many methods for addressing this behaviour that you should really do the research an select what you think is going to work best for you.

[vandgsmom]

Oh, yes, I KNOW that pain. My littlest turned 3 this weekend, and he went through that same thing at about 2ish. He demanded everything, and then when it wasn't handed to him right/ the right color/ gotten to him fast enough / looked at by his sister first/ set down in the wrong spot/ etc... he would flip complely out.

 

I do not tolerate temper fits in my home, though, and I think letting your child "cry it out" only teaches them about neglect. What I did was immediately made him stand up and stop crying and then to get whatever it was that he wanted himself. Then he could not cry b/c it was any of the options above. Failing that, if he didn't stop the fit I would pick up the empty hall garbage can (placed there for that purpose) and start counting. Every multiple of five I would grab a toy and toss it in the trash can. The 4th or 5th time I did this, I went all the way until I was taking the shirt off his back and the sheets off his bed, but it shocked him enough that he stopped.

 

It got to the point that I only had to say, "OK, you get it or I get the trash can" and he would run gladly and get or point at whatever it was that had vexed him in the first place....

 

It might not work for you, but it worked for me....

 

Good Luck! I am sending you good Mommy karma!

[Süsser Tod]

WOW! That's awesome, mommy terminator! LOL!

 

I've never been good dealing with toddlers. I mean, I'm an IT guy, I know my stuff, I know what to expect to everything I do, but kids and women are way out of my mind, my logic can't stand it!

[melrich]

He demanded everything, and then when it wasn't handed to him right/ the right color/ gotten to him fast enough / looked at by his sister first/ set down in the wrong spot/ etc... he would flip complely out.

 

my logic can't stand it!

 

Part of the problem is a toddlers state of mind. It is quite different to an adults. At this age, toddlers first believe that they are the centre of the universe and second they believe that adults can read their mind i.e they do not realise that their thoughts are private.

 

So often when a toddler has a tantrum for seemingly no reason it is because he/she cannot understand why it is that you do not know what it is they want and why you won't give them what they want.

[yeawutever]

I'm no good dealing with my 4 year-old brother, same as your kid, he gets so annoying and doens't stop when i tell him to, so I leave it to my mom. Toddlers can be troublesome, only I did explore when it got to that point I just get my sandles at times chasing him out of my room, the nerves.

[Bethany]

Who is the boss here, you have to think. 3 year olds are learning to push boundaries and will push you to the limit.

 

If it gets out of control again say well you can't have it. If he says why not? say because I SAID. There should be no more arguments about it or reasons why he cannot have it. You cannot reason with a 3 year old. But you can be the adult taking control.

If he cries and cries, stomps about, ignore it. He will then learn that his naughty behaviour does NOT get attention. But this must be backed up with a lot of praise for good behaviour.

[sonjam]

Melrich gave you the best advice. I'm mommy to a 2.5 year old and I too, have a hard time dealing with this phase.

 

I know that they are starting to become their own little person, and start realising that they are not part of you anymore, so I always try to give her choices, but ONLY CHOICES ACCEPTABLE TO ME. For instance. After a bath I might ask: do want to wear the blue or the pink socks? (my husband got it a bit wrong at first and asked her if she wanted to wear socks or not.... ) You see that is not an option. Only the COLOUR is an option. These days she does the same thing at bath time. She refuses to be washed. My hubby has alot of patience in this regard, since it is his job to bathe her. He asks her which limb they will wash first her left or right hand, or leg or whatever. She then focussus so much on choosing the particular limb, that she forgets she didn't want to be washed in the first place. If your child does however insist on things that he's not allowed to choose, why not simply remove the "temptation" from the room, be loving but firm about it.

 

I would say something like "I know you really wanted that fan on/off but right now you need to sleep, and when you are finished sleeping we can go and do something really fun." Be sympathetic to their needs, but don't let them shunt you around on a whim, it means they are really in charge, not you... you are in the end still the parent and the grownup.

[vandgsmom]

Another thought.. why don't you try letting him take his nap in another part of the house or make a pallet on the floor somewhere as a reward for being still and quiet.

 

I don't really jive with bribery, it only led to bad habits with my oldest that I ended up having to break her of, but there is nothing wrong with saying... Ok, today we are going to do something different, and if you will lay down and be super quiet, then tomorrow you can do it again. Make him a "tent" with kitchen chairs that is his special place to go when he is behaving. He can take his naps there if he is extra special good that day or something...

 

Whatever you do, just be consistent. That is how they learn you are the boss and cannot be swayed by their fits and that you care enough to stay firm.

 

And remember, this too shall pass!!

[fishrrshortae]

Hey everyone,

thank you SOOOOO much for the responses.. I was actually almost in tears when I put up the post because I was so desperate for answers! I have read many books and articles about toddler behavior but nothing seemed to work ...

either way I got a lot of empathy from all of you (which I desperately needed!!) and I also got a lot of good ideas!! His behavior was a little better today.. I took out his radio from his room when he started playing the "I want it/I don't want it" game about his music being on.. he screamed a bit but seemed to understand that it would be put back in if he was a good boy for the rest of the day (and he was!)

 

Anyone know how long this phase lasts?? I've heard anywhere from a few months to a few years!

[sonjam]

Oh, the biggest part of it it frustration, and autonomy. The language is not developed enough that they can express their feelings and emotions, and they realise they are separate from us. I think it will be better by about 4 years. The people that say it lasts for years probably did not treat the child right from the beginning, so the frustration just got worse, and the demands more.

[fishrrshortae]

My son has been much better since I posted and got some insight .. other than minor tantrums he hasn't done anything. Thanks so much for your ideas and help guys!! I don't feel so alone any more

[sonjam]

Hey It's always a pleasure, talking to someone in the same situation. I too find it a big challenge to respond to my toddlers needs, in a healthy way, not to get upset and angered, but to understand. Sometimes it's hard after a full day's word to come home to a grumpy toddler!!

 

Eventually they will grow up though (I hope)!!

[xpress]

I'm so glad your son is doing better! Isn't it great to know that when you try a new approach things can really improve! And that there's always hope. You are such a great Mom to have tried to do what is right for your little boy. He is very lucky to have you.

[fishrrshortae]

Thank you I think the best thing I did was just kept calm even when he's screaming.. made it not a big deal, and pretty soon he wanted to come over and hug me and be comforted(and who am I to say no to that!!