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Look for counseling on campus. I think you need to find someone who can be a physical presense. Somebody to give you concrete, objective alternatives and support. On campus services offer this type of thing for either free or at a very small price. Often, these services are on a pay scale basis, depending on how much you can afford. And don't be concerned...so many students and people your age need this sort of direction, so you will surely get some good, grounding ideas from these folks. Feeling alone compounds the hurt so reach out and look for someone to listen. Is living on campus completely out of the question? It may be worth just a try...'floofy' may be annoying but there are good people out there...even among the 'floofy' ones! Sure, you may not like all your roommates but there is bound to be 'someone'. The experience of living communally in university is like no other. Try it. If it does not work out you can always go back home, no? I wish you all the best. You are just on the cusp of starting your life independently. So much is out there for you. Don't be alarmed by the tugs and pulls of growing. Trust the feelings...go with the nerves and fly high! I am rooting for you!

Be glad your son wants to spend time with you and has not chosen a negative peer group to replace his sports or you and his family. Nurture him through this...whatever happened will pass with your help and support. Though it may seem like he is squandering his opportunities by not playing football, try to remember how many kids who play in HS make it big in sports...the playing itself is an outlet and a healthy thing but there may be other things your son could truly enjoy that would last him for a lifetime. Use this time to help him discover what those things might be. Perhaps the kids on his team were doing things he did not feel comfortable with. Athletes can be aggressive on and off the field and lots of kids who are heavily into sports get into stuff that is not healthy. Your son is listening to his instincts, most likely, and getting out of a situation he did not feel comfortable with. Love and support him through this. Make sure he chooses friends who are good for him, when he feels ready to start spending time with peers again. And keep talking. I wish you the best and hope you both end up growing closer through this experience.

Don't give up...it will get better. And, you are so right...some people DO have it tons worse. I'm sending good vibes your way...

Accept your son as he is and get on with your life. He needs your unconditional support and not your constant reminders that he is not your idea of perfection. You will not get anywhere by continuing to wish him into someone he is clearly not. And you may further alienate him from yourself and your husband. Be glad he is doing the right thing and stop wishing he were a jock. That lifestyle has its own list of problems.

I am so very sorry for your situation and most of all, I feel for you and your fears which are very real. I think you need to find a way to take care of yourself. I understand that you worry about your sisters but if you free yourself of this situation you may be in a better position to get some perspective and help your sisters. Your family (mother) may be holding you in the bad place you find yourself in by holding the financial 'carrot' over your head. It may seem like the only way you have to make it financially is with their help and they know they hold that power over you. You sound like a bright, clear thinking person. I think you could find lots of support if you just step out of things and take the risk. I hope this helps.

While it may not be easy, try to find ways to show your son that you accept him and love him unconditionally. Communication and being 'present' as a loving parent is everything...help him to feel that you are interested in the things that make him unique (ie personal talents, etc.) without trying to force your view of who he should be in terms of hobbies, etc. It is a fine line...to guide and provide direction without sending the message that you want to make him into your version of himself. Fifteen is such a difficult age...so many possibilities but still in the middle: not an adult and not a child. Many of the fears of childhood still remain. Don't give up on your son...he sounds like a bright kid with lots of potential. There is a place out there for him for certain.

Thank you all for your kind responses and words of advice and counsel. I know we are in for a very tough fight. I could handle an accident or some other calamity but this certainly did shock and turn me upside down. The feeling of being betrayed by someone you love cuts very deep but I realize that my son is a work in progress and I need to continue to fight for him. We spent a few days with my family out of town this past week and I saw a marked improvement in his demeanor. He had been so withdrawn and more quiet than ever, due to what I feared but did not want to believe. I am glad in many ways I found out now, while perhaps we still have time and energy and a chance to help him. That being said, I feel weak when I think about what may lie ahead. He has not yet fully shown the amount of remorse I expect, though we have been slowly taking away each of his privileges and from time to time, though we have only been home one day, he says he can and wants to leave (he is grounded.) Today I called a drug counseling hotline and found out that there are definite routes that can be taken to insure that if he does run, he will have to face the consequences. And I told him about it in no uncertain terms. As the counselor said, 'this is real life' and he needs to know I mean business. I used to be afraid of the embarrassment that getting law inforcement involved. Now I realize that that would be a small price to pay. I am convinced that only a heavy handed approach will help us conquer this and I am prepared to go forward. I would rather see him committed than watch him slip away into oblivion. It may sound extreme, but it could easily happen. The counselor also said that WE have all the rights, as parents, and he has none. The rights he had he has lost as a result of bad choices. At this point, he doesn't even have the right to privacy, from what he said. And if I feel I cannot control him, I can simply call 911 and the authorities will get involved. Thank you, again so much for giving me this sounding board.

If not an adoption-search agency, then perhaps another caring, trusted adult who can at least lend direction. If your immediate family is unwilling to speak about it, you may want to let it rest there for a bit. It sounds like there is someone (a cousin, perhaps) who may know the truth. Perhaps gently, through persistent discussions or e-mails, even, you may be able to find some things out from him. I wish you luck in putting your mind at peace in all of this.

Guitarist...people will make cruel judgements based on their own blindness and reluctance to ask the deep, difficult questions you are willing to labour over. And they will say unkind things to mask their own fears. I know it's difficult to take, but one must not let those things deter one from continuing on. If anything, it means you are on the right track!! (Good things are not easy to come by...remember what your Mother said! ) You are on a special journey which is yours individually. Why allow anyone to cut that short or interfere with your path? You are very lucky...you appear to be a bright, sensitive man. And please...nothing you've said so far implies in ANY way, shape or form that you are 'stupid'. Everyone goes through this stage in different and varying degrees and if we are lucky to pay attention, the road will lead to a positive ending. Some people get sidetracked by distractions which cut them off from the journey and they become disensitized when they fill the void with the wrong things, whatever they may be. Or the overwhelming fear of even asking the questions you are asking just simply causes them to shut down and go off in other directions. You are so very brave...and I don't think you are at all alone. I remember this in my own youth and recall it was not an easy path...to feel everything so very deeply. But a wise person once said that one is not born this way accidentally. Think of it as having a precious gift which is of great value, so comes with its own consequential burden. You have a path to follow for a particular reason (not accidental) which will blossom to its conclusion. Embrace the journey because I know that it is for sure this Higher Power who has put this deep yearning within you.

Phoenix girl...are there any agencies in your area that could provide some guidance? These days, there seems to be so much available in every area to handle different situations. Perhaps even an adoption search agency could offer some direction. As difficult a spot as I'm sure you feel you're in, I'd be willing to bet there are others out there who have faced similar issues. It's amazing how much it helps to have a sounding board from someone who understands your predicament. I certainly wish you the best in dealing with this.

Belladonna...another quite wonderful, if wise piece of advice. I made a mistake by thinking sleeping over was innocent. After all, my daughter did it at different stages and nothing bad ever happened. Of course, it was with people we knew supervised their kids. I made a major error...I tried to be trusting and not judge the adults in these circumstances, though my gut said that they were not on top of things. At that point, I left it up to my son in whom I had ultimate trust. I made such a great error in expecting more of him than those adults! I am glad I am learning from this...as you probably know, women's instincts are such a gift and we should always intently listen to our gut!! Incidentally, it was at one of the 'surprise visits' you alluded to that we found all this out. (Which was another instinct...my husband thought I was crazy! ) To make a long story short, he did not answer his phone and when we went to the house where he was supposed to be, the whole ugly affair unfolded. Retelling it now just makes a bad scene worse in my mind. I am so wounded because a trust and respect has been breached and in an unwarranted way. My son has choices of great friends who are not considered 'geeks' but who have good families and are grounded. Somehow, he chose these few kids, who seem to need all the support, love, respect and acceptance we have always given him and who have few if any resources available in terms of parenting, etc. In short, a weak home life. My struggle is to figure out why and to do something about it. I am trying to tell him now that I am a person, too and that when you destroy the trust a person puts in you, there is a road to be taken to gain it back. He needs to know that we are not just 'tools'...we are his parents and his welfare is the most important thing to us at the end of the day. One off topic question...how does one send a private message here? I am new to this... Thanks in advance.

One of the problems is that he 'does not talk' as my daughter puts it. She is the polar opposite of this. I think we will be able to slowly ge to the bottom of this but at the moment all we know that he did it, thanks to that crazy mother who blurted it out to me. Yes...there were a lot of requests for sleep overs. You are so on the button! As I said, I trusted him. He will have to work to regain my trust, that is for certain. I want him to know that to get respect and be treated like an adult, you have to give respect and act like one. I just don't want to push him away completely...running away or at worst, suicide would present tragic results which would most certainly be devastating. I need to go now but will check later for your responses...please know how much I appreciate your thoughtful viewpoints. Bye for now.

I appreciate your views. We are not just ignoring this, I assure you. Our son has been grounded for the week, until we figure out our next step. His privileges have been taken away slowly (computer, cell phone) and we are doing this gradually, since we realize that too much force sometimes has tragic results. (There have been several suicides locally...kids in our son's school, in fact. I know that's a radical outcome but since this happened in our house, anything seems a possibility at the moment.) Trust me...our son does not think we are stupid. If anything, he realizes that we are majorly on the ball. We grew up in the 70's...need I say more? We made stupid mistakes of our own and are fortunate to have lived to tell the tale. It is for this reason that we are aware of the slope one can start sliding on when one tries this sort of thing. Yes it is discovery, but the dangers today are far worse than what we dealt with then. I think our son is in the midst of experiencing some very strong peer pressure from a group of kids who are not fortunate enough to have diligent parents for one reason or another. This is part of our frustration...he has a good family who loves, trusted(past tense for the time being) and respects him and it kind of feels like betrayal to me. This being said, I realize that he sees us as the 'old people who are out of touch'. We want to show him we care about him but we have to find the fine line of not alienating him further and pushing him to get deeper into this phase. Thanks so much for your articulate response. I can tell you are mature and deep thinking. I feel for your brother. So much potential gone to waste. This is what we want to avoid. And I pray that we take the right steps to put our son back on a good course and open the lines of communication.

You already have a good start, Guitarist, in that you are searching for God and that searching will not be in vain if you continue to seek Him. We all have that void within us that can only be filled with God and when we are being bombarded with deep longing, it confirms the depth of the journey we are on in life and not its 'random-ness'. Even Einstein realized this in his work...there are some questions which may not be answered to our complete satisfaction and when that happens, we are left to decide how to fill in the gaps. Some people call this 'faith', perhaps. I truly believe your genuine searching will be fruitful, Guitarist. Please don't give up because God will reward your deep longing to connect with Him. Just trust the journey.

I'm so glad your son is doing better! Isn't it great to know that when you try a new approach things can really improve! And that there's always hope. You are such a great Mom to have tried to do what is right for your little boy. He is very lucky to have you.