my man emailed a guy from a gay dating site

[tallica]

deleted for privacy

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to ENA!

 

I commend you for staying so calm! You were certainly with in your rights to do what you did. He lied and concealed this from you and it is natural not to trust him. He had a bi-curious sexual experience and that's a fact. For some reason he was willing to explore that once again and that means it's now beyond the curiosity level. I'm glad that he opened up to you and was honest but now when he says, "I'll be home after the game, I'm going out with the fellas" you can't help but to wonder. Perhaps a little counseling is in order to determine his real level of interest. If he really wants a relationship with you, he should be willing to take a better look at his actions.

 

RC

[Süsser Tod]

No, I wouldn't say you are a bad person for doing it. You're a worried girl that is losing her head. I don't know how I would react in that exac same situation, but I can bet you, not lightly. Once my ex and I made a profile, "looking for a third person for a threesome", it was for fun. One day she got a message from someone, she saw it on my computer, I was besides her, and she closet the scree and dind't wanted me to read it.

 

???

 

Obviously that got me mad and thinking any kind of thing. Later I logged into her e-mail, just to find that it was nothign important! So I ended up being more upset about her hiding it from me, when it was nothign important!

 

Well, so I do know how I would react.

 

 

Only thing I can tell you is to try to forgive him and trust in him, or to move on. Give it a thought, if you can't live with that trust issue, then move on, but at the same time, would it be worth dropping away 5 years of your life for fear, that may not even have a reason to be?

 

Edit: Confused OP's gender.

[tallica]

hi sorry i have to add that im female lol thats why its hurting me so much, the fact that he emailed a guy!!

[CluelessGuy321]

yick. That's disgusting to me....

 

and you're together too while he's doing all this stuff. Move on.

[OceanEyes]

Hey hun, and welcome to eNotalone.

 

Firstly, I would like to say that I think you're incredibly brave and understanding. I would have been out the door immediately if I saw gay porn on my computer. You actually still gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't automatically assume things.

 

I know that this is probably not what you want to hear, but I do not believe your man about him just being "curious". I really don't - at all. I have many gay and straight male friends, have spent a LOT of time with them - enough to know that pretty well 100% of straight males are not going to be e-mailing gay men asking for their addresses.

 

When we add this to the fact that he has already had a sexual experience with another man? I think that this man is in complete denial about his sexual orientation - this is probably because he is lying to himself about his true self. He doesn't actually want to believe it. He probably tells himself how its just "experimentation" or "fooling around" out of curiosity, but ultimately, this is not a one-time thing for him. There is obviously enough of a need and an appeal of homosexuality that keeps him sniffing around gay websites.

 

I will not tell you what to do with your life. Only you can make that decision, and it won't be easy after 5 years. I really, truly and honestly feel for you, which is why I strongly advise you to be very careful. Even if this gay business does calm down for a while, I get the feeling that it will be because he is scared crapless of losing you and facing himself.

 

If I was in your shoes, I'd probably start looking to get out of the relationship. This man sounds incredibly confused and will most likely take you along for the ride if he can - and not because he doesn't love you - but because you being a present in his life reaffirms his "heterosexuality". I'm sorry that I don't have more positive/ inspiring advice, but I feel that you should be careful and realistic.

 

Good luck.

[FoxLocke]

Hi Tallica,

 

I am so sorry to hear this, because it seems like you really do care about him.

 

You handled the entire situation in a mature matter.

 

As it is I can't really judge him and his sexuality. It is up to you and him to figure that out. He could be bicurious or he could be using you as a "beard," one cannot know for sure...

 

I think the two of you should separate for a bit and maybe asess the situation...

An open and honest conversation is in order...

 

Honestly, I don't know ANYONE who would go as far as exchanging addresses as a joke...UNLESS he had given the wrong address, which in this case is not the case.

 

Good luck.

[annie24]

I agree with oceaneyes completely. I don't have much to add, except that I was in a sort of similar situation as yours. my boyfriend told me that he "experimented" with one of his guy friends in the past. However, the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to me that he was bi, not just bi-curious. I think the only reason he didn't identify as bi was because he didn't want to deal with the social stigma. He would rather think of himself as a straight man that likes to fool around with men. I *almost* could have been ok with that, except that he also told me he had a crush on another girl and was really in love with her.

 

well, that was the death kneel of the relationship, men or no men.

 

so.... yeah, I would agree that he probably isn't even being honest with himself about his sexuality.

 

I think you have to do some soul-searching to answer 2 things: 1) do you trust him? 2) If you do trust him not to cheat while you are together, does it bother you that he is also attracted to men?

[yeawutever]

You didn't overracted, you were in your right when your gut feeling told you something was not right and i'ts not like you check out his profile on purpose, you accidently looked at it and you got the surprise, what you least expected.

 

It will be harder to overpass this because there are two issues at once, not only is there now trust to be rebuilt but also his confused gender preferences. He is in fact bisexual, else he would not feel the need to wonder just out of curiosity.

 

If he was straight then the idea of contacting a guy by e-mail or looking to gay site would not please him. As far as the gay sites, that should have been a sign that you were dating a guy with bisexual tendencies.

 

Now if you're willing to work this out, both of you would have to go to counseling and in addition he would have to go to an individual counseling due to his confusion in gender preference.

[Entomon]

That's funny - your incident with your boyfriend emailing another guy reminded me of an incident I had with my ex. During the time we dated, he was contacted by a female who charmed him with her Angelina Jolie's beauty and bee stung lips. She invited him to web cam and then directed him to her personal web site. It turned out (he was so disgusted and almost vomited so he said - SURE) that she was really a he.

 

Now reflecting - I wonder if my ex was bi-sexual. I knew little about his past. And he's always telling me that men find him yummy.

[tallica]

deleted for privacy

[novaseeker]

There are two issues here.

 

The first is a generic trust issue. Someone in a LTR should not be sending emails like that to someone of either gender ... it's just not appropriate period. The fact that he felt compelled to do it (even if he was just eploring how far he would go with it) indicates that he was, for whatever reason, not completely satisfied with the relationship. But acting out on it like that is never appropriate.

 

The second thing is that it seems likely to me, as a bisexual man, that he is bisexual. If he had the prior experience with a man and really didn't like it, then why was he looking at gay porn and tracking down another guy (even if he wasn't going to follow through)? Straight men don't do that. The bi-curiosity could have been the case the first time he was with a man, but after that, going back to look at gay porn and trying to hook up with men again is not an indication of mere curiosity, really.

 

If you have a good and active sex life, it's likely that he is not gay. But based on the information you have given, it seems to me that there is a good chance he is bisexual and in some denial about it.

 

As for you, you need to ask yourself whether you are really comfortable with that situation. A bisexual guy can be faithful to you and only have a relationship with a woman, that isn't really the issue. The issue is that it appears to me that he hasn't worked out his own sexuality completely yet, and that thereforeeee there could be more discoveries he makes in the months and years ahead, and it's a question of how you feel about that possibility. He may say now that he has things figured out, but the facts suggest more confusion than anything else.

[Relationship Coach]

Novaseeker, I was hoping you would chime in here and I am in agreement with you 100%!

 

Tallica, I stand by what I said earlier as to getting him some counseling so he can discover and understand his own sexuality better and then you can make your own decision as to what you want to do.

 

RC

[OceanEyes]

To be fair hun, it does sound like you've led a rather difficult life. Your childhood in particular, and the fact that you remember everything must not make it any easier.

 

At the end of the day, i had an experiance with a woman in my teens, it only happened the one time, and i was free and single at the time so wasnt hurting anyone, and as my partner said, it made me realise it wasnt what i wanted, but in my case i put it down to being young and experimenting.

Okay - I am not trying to create a double-standard here, but I do actually believe that women are more sexually experimental when it comes to exploring homo/ bisexuality. I just know far too many straight men to tell you, "yes, this is normal", because it really isn't. I'd have to say, that just about 100% of the straight men that I know wouldn't play with guys. They are just not built like that in most cases. Of course there are exceptions, but I'm telling you this because I really do feel that you should be careful and keep your eyes open.

 

YES, this man has obviously done a lot for you, treated you well and has taken care of you when you needed it most. This must have created a very strong bond and a high level of respect and appreciation. However, are you prepared to discover in some years time that he has seen other men? He may be able to suppress his feelings for a while, but as he becomes more comfortable with you and your relationship stability, he may feel ready to give another homosexual experience a chance. Are you prepared to face that? It may not even be for a long time, but I guarantee you if this issue isn't faced head-on, it WILL manifest itself with time. It's a physical need, a desire, a male urge; it won't just 'go away'.

 

he told me he loves me so much and that hes sorry for what he did, to be honest with you all, this is the first time in the relationship i have ever had a problem with something he has done.

Again, I understand where you're coming from. But hun, you also have to be realistic. I know that you love this man, and I can honestly see why you do. Straight men just don't do what he did - if you really want to believe him, and feel that he is NOT gay, then encourage him to see a psychologist/ therapist on his own. He needs to talk about it and work through it with an impartial, unbiased, non-judging party. Of course he's going to tell YOU that he's not gay, but it doesn't sound like he's sure of that himself.

[Rabican]

Let me clear something up... if you are gay, you are gay. If you are bi, you are bi. If you are straight, you are straight.

 

Unless you are maybe... 13 there is no confusing the options. I assume your man is in at least his 20's... he knows if hes gay or not, theres no confusion there. You dont 'do certain things' with a guy to find out if you are gay. You do them IF YOU ARE GAY. (or bi... but its the same thing to me).

 

That being said.

 

The only thing that will make you not crazy is time. Look at his phone, call him, check up on him, whatever it takes... if he keeps checking out clean, you will slowly build up that trust again. The question is do you want to be in a relationship that requires level 5 security or not? If this is the perfect guy for you (minus the trust issue) then maybe its worth working out. But losing that trust can be a very difficult thing to overcome... you have to decide if its worth it. If you want to make it work though, try to be respectful towards your man. Dont diss him every time it comes to mind or the relationship will only get worse.

 

Sit down and tell him, look what you did really shattered the trust I had in you.... blah blah blah. he broke the trust... its up to him to get it back. Bottom line though... trust your gut. If you 'want' it to work but you 'feel' that it wont... go with your gut instinct... its always right.

[novaseeker]

Let me clear something up... if you are gay, you are gay. If you are bi, you are bi. If you are straight, you are straight.

 

Unless you are maybe... 13 there is no confusing the options.

 

This is wrong.

 

There are a LOT of people who are confused about their sexuality well into their 20s and 30s. it's not always clear at age 13. Often people for whom it was clear think this way, but I can tell you it isn't always clear for everyone. A common misperception.

[annie24]

definitely, I know people who didn't figure it out until their 20s.

[Relationship Coach]

I agree, my brother in law is 32 and is still questioning his own sexuality.

[OceanEyes]

definitely, I know people who didn't figure it out until their 20s.

 

Absolutely, and even later in life than that.

 

How comfortable a person is coming to terms with their sexuality depends (usually):

 

* Highly on how they were raised (ie. did their parents talk openly with them about sexuality?).

 

* Their religion/ values while growing up - did their parent(s) look distastefully on homosexuality, were they harsh or discriminating against gays, were they scared that they would be "damned to the eternal fire" if they even so much as thought about being gay?

 

* How 'programmed' they are to go through with the typical cycle of life; school, long-term relationship, buy house, have children, retire, etc.

 

My uncle was married for 25 years and had three daughters before he finally came out. When he did, he divorced his wife, and now his mother, father, ex-wife, and children will have absolutely nothing to do with him. I can see WHY he stayed in the closet for so long.