I sent this to my ex-fiance's best friend

[bstrong2day]

I sent this to my ex-fiance's best friend through myspace yesterday, and never received a response.

 

 

"I didnt forget that you had asked how Ive been. If you wanted the truth, I could write you a novel. But I wont.

 

To watch someone who shared something so beautiful with me turn on me as if Im some kind of monster is really hard to swallow.

 

We did everything together, and I mean everything. She was my best friend, my lover, my partner in crime, my teammate, my anchor. She was my fiancé. She took my ring when I got on one knee to propose, and promised to marry me.

 

I honestly used to believe that if the whole world came crashing down around us, as long as we had each other, wed be ok. It was us against the world. I stood right by her side and had her back through everything. Through her trial, through Katrina, through college. I was right by her side supporting her, holding her when she cried, when no one was there for her. I stuck with her through thick and thin and always respected her.

 

But in the end she gave up on me. She didnt believe in my desire to make things work. She didnt believe in my desire and ability to communicate and work through problems, including my own. She didnt believe in my loyalty to her, her culture, and her family. Did I not deserve that? Did I not show her time-and-time again that I loved her with all my heart and soul?

 

To be honest, I loved her more than I loved myself, and that became a problem, because that was seen as weakness.

 

Every day that passes, shes moving on. The longer we go without talking or seeing each other, the more I become a stranger to her. But, I'm not a stranger! I'm still the cute, supportive, passionate, gentle, loyal, athletic, respectful, trustworthy, funny, fun-loving guy that fell in love with her. I'm still me. But, she doesn't see that anymore. She sees someone whos weak.

 

But, Im not weak. In fact, Im stronger than most people in this world, because I don't run away from my problems and can talk about my feelings.

 

I can be a really good person and still get dumped."

[annie24]

*sigh* don't send this stuff to her friends! they will just forward it on to her. it's not her friends' business anyways, what happened between you and her.

 

hang in there!

[Relationship Coach]

What kind of a response were you expecting or were you expecting for her to pass this on to your ex? This type of poetic recap serves no purpose and you have to remember where her best friends loyalties lie. She may view this as an attempt by you to take your side. This is more self serving and does show weakness. You need to be stoic and show her that you are strong and you have moved on, now she sees that she can have you when ever she chooses. You are going about this all wrong.

 

RC

[Dako]

I agree with the Annie and RC. When I read your post, I shuddered.

Please don't do this kind of thing. It really won't help.

[Hope75]

Yeaaaaaaaaah.....

 

 

I previously dated a guy who I met through my best friend (they worked together) and he ended being a total psycho. After I broke up with him, he sent a letter to her about us, and all our 'dirty laundry' (that she had already heard from me!) He also sent a similar letter to me at my work- how humiliating!

 

I was upset with him for doing so, and my friend laughed at his letter and than read it to me, and then we threw it away. Her loyalty lies with me, and it really served no purpose for him to send it to her.

 

What kind of response where you expecting from her friend?

 

Is it really fair to try and put her friend in the middle, knowing where her loyalty is?

 

If you need to write that out, do it for yourself. There's a thread on here you can even write it on if you like:

 

 

 

But don't send them out- write it , than burn it or crumple it up and throw it away.

 

Best of luck moving on, friend.

[bstrong2day]

After hurting for over a month with no contact from her at all, after all that we had been through, and the way the break-up went, I strongly felt I had to send it. I didn't log in at all to check my myspace inbox yesterday, and felt good that I sent the letter. Of course, now that there was no response, I feel unfulfilled. I mean, how could someone not see the power of that letter. It isn't just a bunch of words on a computer screen. I don't see it as pathetic either. It's a well-thought out summary of how I felt when she turned on me, what we've been through together, and the sacrifices I made and was willing to make to "make things work". I also stated some of my strengths.

 

Would you think I was a "total psycho" for sending this letter?

[Hope75]

I understand you needing to get it out, but I think sending it to your ex's best friend wasn't a great idea. Here's why:

 

1. That is her best friend, anything you write to her is going to paled against what your ex herself has told her. Her loyalty is to her best friend, and unfortunately, you are now seen as 'the enemy' (I'm guessing since you alluded to the fact that you are not on good terms with your ex, is that right?)

 

2. Your motive for sending it is to be heard and acknowledged that you are hurting, 'wronged' in some way by being broken up with, and not a bad guy (correct?)

 

But.... is your ex's friend ever going to see it that way? Likely not. She's heard your ex's reasons for breaking up, likely accepting them, and probably isn't interested in hearing your side of the story. I can only guess here- but if my best friend's ex sent me an email- I would not be interested in what he had to say, simply because of the virtue of my role as her best friend. She is more likely to think your motive is a tactic to try and get your ex back (by using her friend), win sympathy from the friend, and pull her in the middle between you and your ex-- something she is not likely to appreciate.

 

2. Now that you've sent it and gotten no reply- you feel like crap. Did that really help, after all? Would it have been better to write it out and keep it for yourself, or destroy it, in some sort of cathartic symbolic way?

 

Just some food for thought here...

[Bethany]

I'm not sure as someone's friend, even if I was their best friend that I would want to get involved or know someone else's personal thoughts about my friend. I would feel awkward and in the middle somehow, somewhere where I should not be. And it's why they have not replied.

 

I understand that you needed it for closure and the need to tell someone but I think that you sent it to the wrong person and that person should have been you. An ex or her/his friend should NOT know how you are feeling.

[annie24]

After hurting for over a month with no contact from her at all, after all that we had been through, and the way the break-up went, I strongly felt I had to send it. I didn't log in at all to check my myspace inbox yesterday, and felt good that I sent the letter. Of course, now that there was no response, I feel like unfulfilled. I mean, how could someone not see the power of that letter. It isn't just a bunch of words on a computer screen. I don't see it as pathetic either. It's a well-thought out summary of how I feel, what we've been through together, and the sacrifices I made.

 

Would you think I was a "total psycho" for sending this letter?

 

well... here's the thing. And I'm going to be as gentle as possibe here.

 

it is a sign of strength to talk about your emotions, but there is a time and place. After a breakup, to her best friend, is neither the time nor place.

 

Once the break has happened, your job is to show your ex and her friends that you are strong and stoic, like RC said. Have a stiff upper lip, even if you are dying inside. A better response to her friend would have been, "Thanks for asking how I've been. Well, no one ever wants their engagement to end in a breakup, and I'm disappointed, as anyone would be in my situation. But now I am just looking forward to the next step in my life, work is going well, I've been going to the gym a lot, meeting new people. Things are going well."

 

I know I would feel extremely uncomfortable if one of my friend's exes sent me such an e-mail. My first instinct would be to forward the e-mail to my friend and say, "um... your ex had better not be stalking me!!!!!" I would just feel really bad about getting such an e-mail, because it's very personal, and about someone else's relationship, and i'm just being put in the middle of it. I would forward it on to just "get rid of it."

[Hope75]

Very well said, Annie!

[Relationship Coach]

Very nice Ladies!

 

Listen to the voice of reason, these women know what you need to do and say. You are getting inside info here, USE IT!

 

RC

[bstrong2day]

Should I apoligize to her friend for sending the letter? I would feel comfortable doing that

[annie24]

hm... maybe that might be a good idea.

 

you can say something like, "I'm sorry about the last e-mail, I was writing that e-mail to myself, to get my emotions out, and I accidenatlly hit the send button. I guess in the future, I should write that stuff out in a word processor, not on myspace. Please just disregard that e-mail. I am doing fine, just focusing on moving on."

 

I don't know.... what do the rest of you think?

[Hope75]

hm... maybe that might be a good idea.

 

you can say something like, "I'm sorry about the last e-mail, I was writing that e-mail to myself, to get my emotions out, and I accidenatlly hit the send button. I guess in the future, I should write that stuff out in a word processor, not on myspace. Please just disregard that e-mail. I am doing fine, just focusing on moving on."

 

I don't know.... what do the rest of you think?

 

Sure, that would be OK. After that, I wouldn't send anything further though. Anything further and you begin to enter freaky deaky stalker territory.

[Relationship Coach]

NO! More weakness, you see it as being courteous while they see it as something else. This of course can also be seen as an underhanded way of getting her to acknowledge that she received it and read it. She may also think that you are fishing for a discussion on this. Let it go but keep coming here before sending anything out like that again.

 

RC

[bstrong2day]

This is a tough call, although I would feel comfortable writing something as Annie suggested.

 

 

"It wasn't fair that I sent that last email to you. I wrote it for myself."

[blender]

Relationship Coach is right, do NOT send anything else, email or otherwise, you let your feelings be known, now let it go, it doesn't matter right now, you are spinning in your own desperate feelings, and for today they are simply magnified... but they will pass, this all will pass, just breathe, let go, and STOP, no more contact. I know you are disappointed that you did not receive any response, but THAT IS EXACTLY WHY we say "no contact" because once we make contact we have "expectations" and when nothing happens, we start our aching all over again, (it seems), the fact is you will grow beyond this heartache.

 

This relationship was a "bridge" for you, and this pain is an "opportunity" for you to learn about yourself, and regain your self confidence, and get back out there, yes it's difficult and it's like walking through cement, but you will gain more muscle if you walk straight through this "emotional cement" no more looking back, or contacting her or any of her friends in any way... there is NO reason to do so... Everything you have done is okay, no worries, but now, let go... just let go and know that fate has a different plan in store for you, and it will be wonderful, looking backwards only causes us to crash over and over again, so for today start looking ahead... and the healing will begin...

 

yes you lost what you had "hoped" you two could have long term, but try to accept that what you "hoped" for is not what "actually is", just for today, let go... Do you think you could just let this go one day at a time, no more contact?

[annie24]

yeah, RC may be right. I'm not sure that writing anything else to the friend is a good idea at all. maybe just best to leave it alone now. the damage is done, and she probably wouldn't believe that you "accidenatally hit the send to button."

[blender]

Please don't think of it as the "damage is done" it's not "damage" it's all okay, it's just life and you were feeling something and you made a choice, now you can learn from it, and the fact that it doesn't "feel so good after we send out our precious feelings in an email and get no response" and that's the lesson, so don't follow it up with another email or apology, just live and learn, and let it go, it wasn't "damage" it was just a "lesson". Choose to learn, let go, and move on... it's okay to be "sad" for awhile, you will grow from all of this, no more contact, that is key....

[annie24]

yes, you are right, "lesson learned" is a better way of saying it.

[blender]

Yes Annie, right, and it's not only a better way to "say it" it's a healthier way to "see it". We all have those moments, and they are only human, and it's really, really, okay... it's just a moment, another step on the stairs leading to your "better self". It's when we keep stepping back on the same step that we just get the same lesson over and over again until we are ready, willing, to learn from it, then we finally "step up", and the healing begins... it's all an ebb and flow of getting over the "loss of what we "hoped" for".... but what we really need is just ahead of us.... it's waiting for us to make the move FORWARD. thanks Annie for being so nice and writing another way of saying it.. best, blender

[bstrong2day]

That first letter may have made her feel uncomfortable. So, writing something like this would be a bad idea?

 

 

"Hey, it wasn't fair that I sent you that last email. I wrote it for myself."

 

I appreciate the advice.

[Relationship Coach]

GIVE UP ON SENDING ANYTHING TO ANYONE SHE KNOWS! Why are you having such a hard time with this? You are viewing your ex's best friend as a conduit to your ex. STOP IT! Whether you realize it or not, this is how your actions are perceived. You can't call back the words you've already said, leave it at that. Trust me I'm not trying to be harsh but you seem to be fixated on making things worse. Leave the computer, leave the house and go take a walk, leave the cell phone at home too. The only way to get through this is to change what you are doing.

 

RC

[Bethany]

I might send another one and say.. "By the way, fancy a shag" and wink. Not to mean it, but to lighten the whole thing and put a smile on your faces. It would also show that you are moving on and (dare I say it) hurt your ex a little to see that you are working things out and moving on. I don't think that would be a sign of weakness but a comeback with humour and strength. Then keep far away from both of them.

[need2bme]

*sigh* don't send this stuff to her friends! they will just forward it on to her. it's not her friends' business anyways, what happened between you and her.

 

Annie: Awesome line. My GF was very private and said what is between us, is between us. I realized that, but sometimes, you HAVE to talk about it, if they won't. I also realize though, that if all you do is spout bad stuff to people, then bad stuff is all they have to base thier opinion on. Also, once the bad stuff starts coming out, you cannot get it back and you sometimes start believing it.

 

 

yes you lost what you had "hoped" you two could have long term, but try to accept that what you "hoped" for is not what "actually is", just for today, let go... Do you think you could just let this go one day at a time, no more contact?

 

Blender: Thank you for posting that. I had not thought of it that way. We are all thinking of what "could" or "should" have been. But the reality is, like most books read, those are trapping words. We need to realize that it is ok to feel, but we are feeling about what we had or wanted, not what is.

 

 

Bstrong: I know how you feel brother. I called her sisters. One would not answer me and the other said she didn't know how her sister felt and she was sorry it happened, but she did not want to get in the middle of it. Look, you have to know they will speak with her about it. I think that somewhere in my mind, I thought so too.

 

I wanted to say so many things, but it is TOO late. What is done is done. If you want to wallow, which I sometimes do, do it here. DO NOT POST TO HER. Right now, there is nothing we could do anyway.

 

Besides, think about it. If she DOES think you are weak; do you really want her to come back to you, thinking you are weak? I know that I want to know that I can stand on my feet this time and not feel so co-dependent.

 

Lastly, if she did come back, I would want to be ready to give my love freely, with no worry or anticipation about how it would be taken or what she would say back. The only way for me to get there, is to learn to take care of me.