I did it, we broke up and now I am miserable

[hurtingrl]

We have had our ups and downs but mainly our problems have been due to my depression and other issues I need to work out

 

He was gone on a trip and we were supposed to hang out this weekend. I have been going to therapy in the meantime and making strides to start bettering myself and felt like I needed to work on myself before I could work on our (or any other future) relationship. I just wanted to be fair to him by doing the best thing in the long run.

 

Plus if you saw my recent post I was having feelings for an ex but now realize it was just me looking for someone that I was comfortable with because I am confused with my life in general. I realize I love my bf (now ex) and want to do anything to make it work. I think perhaps the best thing is to let him go for now and take the chance that things will be better in the future for us if I get better..... well that is what I did tonight.

 

Now I am regretting it....I love him so much....I am going to be so lonely this weekend.

[joyce1412]

i'm sorry you're in pain right now. that's a truly difficult situation to love someone but feel like you can't stay together, and to know that it's possible he may move on. however, are you sure you're in love with this man? you thinking about your old ex is a warning sign.

 

how does your ex (current one) feel about the situation?

[hurtingrl]

I am sure I am in love with him....

 

As far as thinking about the old ex I agree it is a warning sign but complicated.....I have been depressed for years and am finally seeing someone to get help. My recent ex went away to europe so I could not contact him to talk about my first visit, etc. Because my old ex experienced my lows (we had been together for years) I turned to him to share that I was seeing someone because he knows what I have been through.....

 

The whole thing confused me, I felt guilty for sharing things with my old ex but he is now a friend and we have been open with each other (talking maybe once every other month). This is something that I felt that I owed to tell him as well (I think my depression partially screwed that relationship over too - I am the worst =( )

 

My current ex loves me deeply but we have had our ups and downs. Right before he left for his trip he wanted a break but I wrote him a letter about how I understood our issues (we had become too dependent on each other, my depression was slowly ruining our relationship, etc) and vowed to start making changes for myself. He decided to give me another chance....

 

But after I spoke with him last night and told him that I wanted to work on myself and not be with him at first he was hurt. We didn't have a chance to continue the conversation until tonight. He said that he also thinks we need to break apart for a while after I told him that I needed to work on myself first.

 

I think because of the last couple of months both of us are on guard. I just wish I saw him in person before we said good-bye for now. I miss him so much....

 

I told him I "wanted" to be with him but I don't know if that is what we "needed".

 

We are both just too hurt to make it work right now. But what is the best way to there be a chance later?

[robowarrior]

You made the best choice, you see you are too mentally unstable to be in a relationship at this moment, you want to calm the rocky ocean in your heart,emotions need to be stable like a lake within a cave, without motion ,serene and deep with love.

 

Once you get your inner sorted out and are strong enough to go into a relationship again, you might want to give it another try. Keep on loving your bf, but he deserves someone who is mentally stable enough to pursuede a relationship.

[saltwatergirl]

Sounds to me like you have a case of buyers remorse. You have realized that the grass ISNT greener on the other side. But, as is usually the case, the damage is done, and now you're alone.

 

Hope you learn from this.

 

Salt

[hurtingrl]

Hi Salt

 

Can you explain buyers remorse? Does it have to do with me being emotionally unstable?

[saltwatergirl]

I think you crave having someone around so much that when you b/f left for his trip, you replaced his physical presense with your old ex. I don't think it's about either of these men. I think you just don't want to be alone.

 

Remember, you don't 'need' anyone. It's fine to not need, as a matter of fact it is better that you don't.

 

PS Buyers Remorse: Jumping on impulse to buy something that sounds good "at the moment"; then when reality hits a day or so later, you regret that decision. But because you act on impulse to satisfy immediate emotional need, you make damaging, careless decisions that you later wish you hadn't.

 

What it is that makes you feel as if you need someone around all the time?

 

Salt

[hurtingrl]

I didn't want to be alone as I was going to a huge personal step of getting professional help. I wanted to share it with someone and share how I was feeling and what it was like. Granted, I should have gotten professional help years ago, for example I still have PTSD and anxiety from being in tower II of 9/11 FIVE YEARS AGO. I have not dealt with either of my parents deaths (cancer and another disease). I have not dealt with emotional abuse of my step-family in my teen years. Just some examples.....My company just announced layoffs, I am going through my quarter life crisis, etc.

 

Anyway, as you can see I am too much to handle for any boyfriend anyway.

 

It's a huge step for me to get help, ironically now I will have to continue on my own.

 

I just feel so lonely.....all of my friends are still on the east coast.

 

It's tough, do I figure out my job, figure out making friends, figure out me? It's all so complicated.

 

And I understand now that I cannot "need" anyone. It's just these two guys understood the most what I was/am going through at the time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, I think there is a difference between NEEDING someone in our life as a significant other and NEEDING people in our life to help us through the rough times. In light of all the trauma you have been through, it is quite understandable that you reached out to your previous ex....as a friend who knows what you have been through. Life can be tough and we all need people to lean on. Of course we also have to take care of ourselves and not only lean on others. It is okay to lean on others as long as we are also helping ourselves. It is great that you are now going to counselling and sorting yourself out. If you and your current ex are meant to be together you will. You have to focus on healing yourself. Perhaps you might also want to check out meeting groups that deal with coming to terms with the loss of loved ones and/or meeting groups that deal with people who have had traumatic experiences. If you meet people who have gone through similar experiences, it might help you feel less lonely and alone. Sharing feelings with people who really understand can be extremely helpful.

[Leigh]

Hi hurtingrl.

I am in the same boat. I left my bf because I was getting overwhelmed with life and am now in counselling seeking help to heal from the relationship before my ex (3 years living with physical abuse).

 

My ex and I still love each other very much, but unfortunately, he couldn't come to terms with what I was coping with (I barely understood the sudden surge of sadness myself). So now I have given him up and he is too afraid to take me back once I'm healed.

 

All I can say is do this for yourself. It's VERY difficult to keep your head up on your own... I know this. The only thing I wanted was to have my ex be here for me while I drudge up and reconcile with my past to get better. Unfortunately, this is a path we must go on our own.

 

If they are there in the end for us, then it's meant to be, hun. Otherwise - the next relationship will be stronger than ever because we'll be going in as wholly healed individuals.

 

Keep your head up...it'll get better soon, I promise.

 

L.

[hurtingrl]

Thank you Leigh and crazyaboutdogs.

 

I just texted him asking to meet this weekend and he is ignoring me.....I gave him a birthday present and it's on Monday and asked if I could go with him. Well I guess I really blew it.....the fact that we went through everything and he is ignoring me hurts so much...

 

It it just so hard to come to terms with the fact that I ruined two awesome relationships of guys that loved me soooo much because of MY problems.....I just feel so worthless not have close people in my life to turn to and help me through these things.....

 

I thought I was going to marry this guy....

 

The meant to be thing is so difficult. I understand that but unless I go to him in x amount of time and say I am better, give me another chance, I don't see our paths ever crossing again....

[joyce1412]

Unfortunately, this is a path we must go on our own.

 

i agree with leigh. if someone is too young, too immature, too confused about her life, etc., sometimes she just has to forfeit her relationship if she can't fix her problems within one...and i'd say it's usually the case that a person needs to be alone to grow in the way that you need to.

 

you must live in reality. even if you had decided to stay with your boyfriend and put your growth to the side, these problems would probably just rear their ugly heads later...and that would be even worse, because having invested that much more time in the relationship would make it that much more painful.

 

of COURSE you're sad right now. try not to let your current emotions rule your decisions, because the few weeks after a breakup just FREAKING SUCK no matter what. you broke it off for a reason.

 

that said, YOU broke it off with him. and--i say this lovingly--you can't throw yourself a pity party for too much longer, because you were the one who made this decision. leave him alone for a while, don't try to butt into his life while he's in pain and likely angry with you. let sleeping (and pissed-off) dogs lie. you're not welcome in your ex's life at the moment, just try to understand his point of view and accept it.

[Leigh]

I understand completely what you are going through.

 

I'm seeing a counsellor now and have given the ex a ton of space (although not the NC I should be doing). Remember, he's hurting right now too - and many times that hurt will be expressed in anger - like his refusal to acknowledge you right now.

 

While they may understand that we are having problems... it still translates to them not having us (ie: we chose to leave)... so regardless of the circumstances, they need to heal as well. I know it seems like if they're hurting so much, why don't they take us back? But, it's like scolding your tongue on a hot drink... they may want to drink again, but it'll take time for it to cool off before they'll even attempt it.

 

My advice to you, is continue seeking help. Stop contacting the ex. (I know this is impossible right now but you MUST give him this time to heal too.) And by heal, I don't mean that he'll forget about you. I had that fear too. If they really love us then they need time to get over the hurt before they'll ever be able to consider anything with us again.

 

If your ex doesn't contact you in a few weeks, maybe drop him a quick email just letting him know your progress. I know this goes against NC, but in our cases, I think the most important thing is to allow the exes to see that we ARE making positive changes in our lives. The key is not to write the email in a way that pressures them in any way to give us another chance. I will be writing my email in a couple of weeks and plan on just letting him know that I'm okay and what I've learned... in a way that says "I know our chapter is closed, but as a person who knew and cared about me, I thought you'd like to know that I've come to some realizations that may help us both to heal..."

 

Speak to your counsellor about this - I'm sure she can guide you as to how to let him in on this progress in your life without expecting ANYTHING in return. That is the key here. You may WANT to do this for him, but you CANNOT. If, for whatever reason, he's not there when you're healing is done and you DID do this all for him - you'll be back to square one. And even if he's not there in the end.. it doesn't mean that he won't EVER be there. He may just need longer to heal than you do.

 

And that's where you need to have faith in the power of love.

[hurtingrl]

Hi Joyce and Leigh

 

That is why I feel so awful about things. The last thing I want to do is hurt him and no matter what I do I am hurting him. I feel so badly....

 

And Leigh, it is great to know that someone is going through what I am going through (don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want anyone else to feel what I am going through right now). But it's semi-comforting to know that I am not alone.

 

I live in SF so I have to believe it is one of the easiest places to meet people (not dating AT ALL but friends) so when I am ready I will just have to start healing for myself.....

 

And I know that I need to leave him alone. Maybe I will e-mail him in August or something.....it will be so hard but I've read enough posts in this forum to know better than anything else.

 

I just wish I could fast forward time.....

[need2bme]

Hey, I had to understand what it was like for my GF to hurt, when she let go. I did not understand how she could feel bad, but RayKay helped me to understand. It is going to hurt, but as BFs we HAVE to hold up our end of it.

 

I was reading a book by a TV doctor, but won't mention his name ;-), and he writes about holding up your end. He writes about being insecure and expecting someone we love to fill us up and really we are taking from them.

 

SF is a wonderful place to meet people. I had this current job close to SF and never got up there a lot. I should have. I am going to try and get out more at this new job.

 

Don't worry so much about hurting him as healing you. Sure, I think it is wonderful that you feel for others, but you have to take care of you too. If I do not take care of me, how can I ever be strong for anyone else?