How important is it to discuss outside relationships when reconciling?

[Bostich]

Hi,

 

My boyfriend and I just reconciled after being apart for 3 months (majority NC). I was wondering how important you think it is to discuss what (if any) relationships you had during the break.

 

A part of me feels it is insignificant but another part of me cannot shake the need to know.

[mikeca]

Well first off if it pans out well for you congrats on getting back together.

 

if you really need to know I suggest you air out the dirty laundry right away, instead of it eating away at you however even you yourself feels partly that it is insignificant. I'd would try to imagine it as it was before you met, did you really care about previous relationships then?

[blindreepr]

What happened in the past is in the past, and best left there. Bringing up things that either of you did while apart will only hurt the other person imho. The only time something should be brought up is if there is a possibility of the other person finding out through some other means down the road, in that case air it out now before they hear it from someone else. Otherwise I'd try to come to an agreement to leave whats well enough alone and focus on things that you have control over at the moment.

[joyce1412]

that sounds like an answer you probably don't really want to know...

 

it is important to discuss, however, if you've slept with other people. you could ask him to please get tested for STD's if he has had sex. and if you prefer not to know the answer, you can tell him to keep his partners to himself, that he doesn't need to tell you as long as he gets tested. if you have slept with other people, definitely do the same.

 

i agree with blindreepr in that you should probably only discuss it if the information will get back to each other some other way. it would probably kill you inside to know. i remember my ex vaguely discussed his girlfriends before me and it made me burn with jealousy even though they were together before he had even met me...it's just hard to think of the person you love with another, plain and simple.

[itsallgrand]

I am somewhat against the current here. I feel it is a great time for total honesty. Ask the questions you want to know. Figure out where each other is at and how things have changed.

 

Negotiations are open for business: start it off on the right footing. Whatever you need to do.

 

I guess I just don't see a need to keep the info to oneself. You trust him or else you wouldn't have gotten back together: right?! Sure, neither needs the gory details, but it is important to know what developments there were! What if there are women in the wings...new friendships and admirers...if you don't know, how to establish to your partner where you stand with that?

 

Actually, I figure you should have done this before or during the reconcile.

[joyce1412]

I am somewhat against the current here. I feel it is a great time for total honesty. Ask the questions you want to know. Figure out where each other is at and how things have changed.

 

well, that's true. if you must ask, ask now. because if it's going to change your feelings about the relationship, best to figure this out ASAP.

[Netguy]

I am somewhat against the current here. I feel it is a great time for total honesty. Ask the questions you want to know. Figure out where each other is at and how things have changed.

 

well, that's true. if you must ask, ask now. because if it's going to change your feelings about the relationship, best to figure this out ASAP.

 

Agree 100% here. Anything you did that you wouldnt have done had you been with with him, you should tell him. Whether you had sex with someone or just had lunch with someone, it all needs to be out in the open.

[saltwatergirl]

Yes, nothing worse than hearing these things from a third party.

 

Salt

[joyce1412]

Yes, nothing worse than hearing these things from a third party.

 

Salt

 

eee, ouch. i'm not even close to getting back together with my boyfriend and my skin still crawls when i think about what my friends may or may not know about him, and how it would feel to have them tell me info like that. yikes.