How to break up with someone who is deceitful

[Goldfish6888]

I have placed a number of posts on this site about my long distance relationship. The other was about breaking up. Basically my ex has come back to me 12 days later, pleading his innocence that he was not guilty of having lots of other girlfriends, besides a long term g/f which I have since discovered. I want to send him an email that is constructive....rather than the usual go feck yourself......so I came up with this....if anyone has any advice on this, before I send it......

 

This is going to sit in my draft box and I'm going to find it hard to send. Anyway first things first, thought I would point out, your profile "automatically" updated itself on the 17th May 2006 and that I set up a false profile again and you sent me a wink only recently from wildrover - not HC, but someone else as I knew you would not be fool enough to fall for her twice! I'm not gullible, A. Not trying to rub it in, but just trying to say, tis' silly to lie. My best friend would be totally against me writing this to you as they he feels you are not worth it, "a leopard doesn't change his spots"....."once a player, always a player".......but I feel that I have a forgiving spirit that comes from somewhere and I guess I have a lot of guts and writing this has taken a lot of guts.

 

Aside to mention, I got my astrological charts done for xmas from my bro and there was something in it about you, as I put in your birth date and I wanted to see what the future might bring - cos I had already thought of you in my future. The forecast said I had met you for a reason. I'm not really into all this "hocus pocus", but when I look at it, it all does appear to make scary sense now: Composite Moon Opposition Pluto:

"The purpose of your coming together - or at least one of the key factors - is to dredge up and enable you both to resolve any from your pasts. The only real chance at happiness in this relationship is to acknowledge the feelings which arise, without compulsively acting on them, and to be willing to work on resolving the ancient griefs and issues from your pasts that are evoked. You may find yourselves compulsively responding to each other in ways that mirror your relationships with a parent/sibling. Ultimately your interaction can be very therapeutic if you are willing to be more conscious and to grow. Certainly this will be one of the most profound, involving relationships you are ever apt to have."

 

At the time, I was worried about this. Well, I've come to understand what my "unfinished emotional business" was - it's that I consistently fell for people who are dishonest, hide things, lie, don't call when they say they will, date other girls, make promises and break them and make me feel insecure about myself. I know I deserve more - as the auld lads in Comhaltas said.......to you...."God you are a lucky man to have her." And the man who actually snares me will be lucky. So, in short, meeting you, made me realise I was making that same mistake again and it's enabling me to stop this pattern.

 

Your meeting me is an entirely different story. I would hazard a guess that you have met your match - someone who knows about YOU more than you do, someone who doesn't fall for lies and sees straight through them and questions you. I dated you or someone like you for 6 years, so I know you very well.

 

I hope I am also someone who will make you have a look at yourself and stop lying to yourself. In the long run, it is going to make you very unhappy. You are an adult in your 33rd year not a teenager or a 20-something. Believe it or not, you only have 4 decades left if you are lucky - and think how quick the first 3 went. Love is hard to find - it deserves to be cherished. If you don't feel like you can "handle it" or it "smothers" you, let it go - or else make it yours and be honest to it. I would ask you to just try this for 6 months, try "not dating" other girls, put everything into your relationship with your gf, whoever she is and if then it doesn't work, leave it behind to find someone else who will cherish it This takes real courage. I know you have that from your past somewhere - a lot more courage than fighting W.W.2. You are always going to be insecure and unhappy in the pattern you are living. You don't want to wake up at 40, still chasing women on LL, link removed, link removed etc.... looking at your profile and winking at girls. Think about how happy a family would make you....someone who grows old with you....loves you through thick and thin even when yer old and crotchety...all those lovely memories to be made.

 

I know you want this. Deep, deep down, I know you want this. You are just afraid of it. Maybe you are afraid of actually being happy? Maybe you are afraid of real love? Don't want to let it go but don't want to really keep it either. Maybe you are afraid of security? Maybe your childhood was insecure? (well mine was with all the moving about and no father.) We both have very similar childhood backgrounds and parents - scarily so. Actually its making sense now, that......... you are I are so very very very alike - I also am afraid of happiness.....of real security..... or real love....... it makes me feel smothered...... it scares me...... that's why I fall for people who won't give it to me..that's why I'm constantly travelling.....on the move..... falling for people who live in other countries......moving houses....moving countries...planning to move.....anything but security and real life, 9 to 5.... That's why you run away from security and real true relationships and seek news ones all the time. I'm starting to understand now. This email was not for me, it was for you and now it's also turned out to be for me too. Shyte.

 

Please just think about this - bring my words to the cottage with you and think about it what I have said. Your other choice is why not try being "free" for about 6 months? It will be lonely - yes, you might feel insecure - yes. Not loads of girls calling you and ringing you. Stay off the dating sites. You might not have regular shags and stuff, but it makes you realise what you really want. This could be your year. Make it yours - A. Stop lying to people and yourself. There is still a part of me that misses the old A, the one I thought I knew. I'm not sure now if he was real or what was real. I know I did have a lot of fun and moving out of Clearwater Cove brought them back to me. Well I certainly wanted the best for him and I certainly was there 100% behind him. Just try and break the pattern, like I am going to try and do. Even writing this email has made me think about things about myself. Whilst I am not dishonest, I do tend to run away from the "nice guys" - the ones who will cherish me and I now realise I was being dishonest with myself too. * * * *e.

 

The one thing is I would say, is You have to "do", rather than "say" for a woman - Actions do speak louder than words. Don't say I love you...do something that says I love you.You have to start trying to give, rather than receive. God, I sound like a bloody priest or a therapist, but if this email helps you then well then they are words well said.

 

Look after your true love A. She deserves nothing less.

Kia Kaha / Go n'eiri an bothar leat

[Sad_now]

That's a really insightful email. It helped me understand why I am attracted t losers.

However, I'm not sure what reaction it will get from your ex. You have opened up your heart in this email - and from my experience hardened players are just waiting for you to do so, so that they can stab you right were it hurts. Imagine how you would feel if he made light of this? If you are strong enough to deal with the hurt, send it and be done with him. If it will upset you, you don't HAVE to respond to his pleas... All the best XX

[Siriana]

Hm.... I think that you SHOULDN'T send that e mail. It is confusing, too long and please never, never, ever don't say a guy anything about compatibilty horoscopes, transitions, trines, squares, sextiles, ascendents., mars in the second house and so on ...unless he's astrologist!

 

You seem confused and hurt and he might tought that you are good material for manipulation.

 

The best thing you can do is not sending him that e-mail, in fact not contact him again in any other way..... beginning NC, imagine that he's dead...

[Goldfish6888]

Do you think me mentioning the astrological stuff is a bit hocus pocus......????Men might frown on it?

 

I am strong enough to have it laughed at...I feel it might get to him...I hope it might....and then I can move on...head held high......Would appreciate more comments....should I wait about 10 days before I send this.....he made me wait 10 days?

[Goldfish6888]

I see what you mean...I could delete the astrological stuff.......I figured that might be a much. Why do you not feel I should send this? I think anything that helps someone think about themselves is good.

[Siriana]

Because it is not your holy duty to convert a jerk into serious dating material.

 

And he can't be changed unless he wants to and that means that he's gona throw that letter of yours in his recycle bin and that's all. you are going to feed his ego - by any kind of reaction.

 

If he wants to he can have a therapist but it should be real one who is going to be payed to listen to his crap. Stay away from your intentions to enlighten him.

 

You can't change him. He's not that much into you so find someone who really deserves you.

 

I am into astrology, but trust me majority of the people think that astrology is that stuff in newspapers, and that's all. So saying that you are seeing an astrologist around isn't the best idea. I go to astrologist but I am not telling that around

[SarahRose]

Please do not send this letter.

 

Men do not read long letters. Say what you need to say directly without a lot of emotion and in 5 setences.

[Siriana]

good advice.

[Goldfish6888]

Anyone got any other comments? I still feel it was a good email.....Well if anything it helped me realise why I was falling for someone like him.

[Goldfish6888]

Well I've decided not to send that email. Whilst it was cathartic, I feel the NC rule, which I've learnt from this site would probably be better - leave him wondering where I am, did I get the email etc.....

 

He does not deserve any closure...I can't save him. I thought I was being a bigger human than him..... Argh, how can people be soooo selfish....

[Goldfish6888]

I suppose what I'm asking the forum here - is can these people change? Do you think a player can not become a player? I'm just wondering, because I really like to see some good in everyone? Help!!!

[kellbell]

"is can these people change?"

 

Of course, a person can change. But usually two things have to happen. 1. The person WANTS to change OR 2. It takes a great of pain or something drastic to elcit change.

 

"Do you think a player can not become a player? I'm just wondering, because I really like to see some good in everyone? "

 

Okay, I also like to see the good in everyone too but I am bit pessamstic about players. No, I feel they do not change or it is very difficult for them to change. I feel it is in their personality to be the way they are and be able to sleep at night.

 

You cannot change a player any person for that matter. Being able to see the good in others does NOT prompt others to change, it just allows the person to be walked all over.

[sirnext]

I disagree, I believe a player can change. Only he/she will make that change though, nothing you say or do will make any difference.

 

As a guy, I felt that email was too long. IF you did write an email, do keep it short. But I would advise not to send anything. He wins if you do. Having the last word isn't always the best option.

[annie24]

I think you shouldn't send that e-mail. I must agree, talking about the astrology really will make your communication lose credibility.

 

and besides, he doesn't deserve an explanation. you know he is lying, you'll send another e-mail, and he'll lie to you again. that's all. why bother. forget him. he's already lied to you multiple times, why give him a chance to do it again???

 

I think people can change, but over time, and they usually change once they meet someone new.

[annie24]

I disagree, I believe a player can change. Only he/she will make that change though, nothing you say or do will make any difference.

 

As a guy, I felt that email was too long. IF you did write an email, do keep it short. But I would advise not to send anything. He wins if you do. Having the last word isn't always the best option.

 

Yeah, if I were to re-write the e-mail, I would change it to:

 

"Hey Butthead - guess what? I made a fake profile on that site so I know as a fact that you updated yours last month! screw off you liar!"

[Sad_now]

Dear Goldf,

I had a similar post to you - basically, can a player change and why wouldn't it be best to forgive him and give him love as, in my opinion, even the devil is worthy of forgiveness and love. Isn't that what compassion is about.

The replies to my posts helped. In particular, something that RayKay (actually her mum!) said helped alot - namely that while it is noble to look for good in people, it is not your duty to hurt yourself looking for it.

Besides, is he truly asking for forgiveness by admitting all wrong-doing and showing remorse and promising to change and CHANGING? If so, he deserves love and compassion, but if not, you need to admit that his asking for forgiveness is yet another charade...and the honeymoon period will soon turn to mental torture again.

 

I'm sorry and really feel for you. Every day I just wish that 'players' will be reformed with love and devotion and by being 'bigger human beings'. If only that were so!

[Siriana]

Yes they can, they meet some girl who treats them the same they used to threat you and they fall in love, they act like complete loosers and you are wondering what the hell you saw in that patetic guy...and than she lefts him and they are saying how they are victimes who doesn't deserve that.

 

Maybe this is not the trut, but keep thinking that way.....it will do you good

[Goldfish6888]

Thanks so much. I'm glad I did not post that email this morning. Something made me post it here online...and I knew I would get some good advice ( as usual!!) I only discovered this site about 2 weeks ago, but fair play to most of the people on here. Amazing! It's funny, I look at this name and it still stirs up feelings and emotions in me. I just would love to look at his name and think "loser." Yes, you are all right - I can't post that email.

 

I did shorten it though: I'll leave it in my draft box for the next month...and if I think I still feel I should send it...I will ask all your advice again....Thanks so much...you rock!

 

A

 

Anyway first things first, thought I would point out, your profile "automatically" updated itself on the 17th May 2006 and that I set up a false profile again and you sent me a wink only recently from wildrover. I'm not gullible, A. tis' silly to lie. I've come to understand the reason I met you is to realise I consistently fall for people who are dishonest, hide things, lie, don't call when they say they will, date other girls, make promises and break them and make me feel insecure about myself. So, in short, meeting you, made me realise I was making that same mistake again and it's enabling me to stop this pattern of falling for the wrong guy. Your meeting me is an entirely different story. I would hazard a guess that you have met your match - someone who knows about YOU more than you do, someone who doesn't fall for lies and sees straight through them and questions you. I dated you or someone like you for 6 years, so I know you very well. You are an adult in your 33rd year not a teenager or a 20-something. Believe it or not, you only have 4 decades left if you are lucky - and think how quick the first 3 went. You don't want to wake up at 40, still chasing women on LL, link removed, link removed etc.... looking at your profile and winking at girls.

 

I know you want a family and to be happy with someone as that was one of the first things you told me you wanted. You are just afraid of it. Maybe you are afraid of actually being happy? Maybe you are afraid of love. Don't want to let it go but don't want to really keep it either. Maybe you are afraid of security. Maybe your childhood was insecure. (well mine was with all the moving about and no father.) We both have very similar childhood backgrounds and parents - scarily so. Actually it's making sense now, that......... you are I are very very very alike - I also am afraid of happiness.....of real security..... or real love....... it makes me feel smothered...... it scares me...... that's why I fall for people who won't give it to me..that's why I'm constantly travelling.....on the move..... falling for people who live in other countries......moving houses....moving countries...planning to move.....anything but security and real life, 9 to 5.... That's why you run away from security and true relationships and seek news ones all the time.

 

Only you can change and that's only if you want to.

Kia Kaha / Go n'eiri an bothar leat

 

S

[Goldfish6888]

So you are saying, when he meets a gal who in turn breaks his heart.....and leaves him. Would be nice to think that gal was me....now there would be sheer pleasure.

[annie24]

cut out the second paragraph. first is ok. still too long.

[Goldfish6888]

Thanks. I'm not going to send it though. Again, thank you for all the help. I Truly appreciate it.

[annie24]

good. better to write it all out for yourself and figure things out for you. I don't think anything you can say to him will get through his thick skull. Not until he is ready to grow up and change.