I love my bf, but have to leave him

[ffallic]

I love my boyfriend and we have been together a little over two years now, but I have to leave him.

 

He loves me and is not bad to me in any direct way. He just makes me unhappy.

 

When we first started seeing each other, I had a good social life. Whereas I was prepared to give it up to a degree, it seems I have lost it entirely.

 

He is often tired from working hard so I can understand a bit, but he just will not make an effort for me, ever, unless it is convenient to him. I can not even get him to agree to something as simple as going to a movie every once in a while.

 

He made it clear early in the relationship that he thought it was wrong for one partner to go out (or do anything for that matter) without the other, and we had many arguments aplenty over this. I eventually gave in to keep peace at home.

 

But now I brush my friens off all the time, and am in fact down-right abrasive towards them when they invite me out... of course, he says he has changed his tune and does not mind if I go for drinks after work etc without him, but the damage is already done for me.

 

And I can not talk to him and try and get my point accross. He is just so stubborn that he does not listen to other peoples points of view.

 

I spent a year of this relationship on anti-depressants. They worked in that they made things bearable for me, but that really is no way to live. Since coming off, things have started getting bad again. Not as much as before, because I just don't try to enjoy myself anymore.

 

I need to leav him. But it is so hard. not only because I do still love him, but also for financial reasons. I just can't afford to right now. my sister will be able to help me at the end of next month, but I don't know if I can last that much longer.

 

God, it is going to break me heart to leave him, and I know he will be devastated. Is it really possible for 2 people to really love each other, but for it be bad for them to live together?

[pablovblack]

You sound like my ex girlfriend.... and you know what she did....

she left me..... I say leave him, find the strength inside yourself to do it...

Give him a LOT of time (not a week) to think about what he is losing If he comes back and understands exactly what you are saying about him without you telling him his flaws then he has changed, If not let him go...

 

I just wish I had that extra chance, because people do change.. My ex on the other hand had, had enough.

 

I wish you luck.

[eyeswideopen]

Yes that is possible. To love each other but not be able to live together (get along).

 

One comment I'd like to add is you say your boyfriend hasn't really done anything wrong to you. Well if he yells/argues/whatever for you not to go out without him, that's pretty controlling. It's important to have your own life too and if he won't let you have it, then I don't think that is healthy at all.

[ffallic]

What set everything off this time is that we had both booked the first week of next month off.

 

I thought it would be nice to go and visit my sister on the second saturday we are off, because I hardly ever see her since my bf and I started seeing each other.

 

Well, I got it for being inconsiderate arranging something on one of his weekends off. Now, I know he does not get many weekends off, but I honestly can not see how the day of teh week matters when we have the whole week off...

 

I know the two of them don't get along to well (last time they saw each other he landed up shouting at her and I and storming out the room, because he was hungover and hyper sensitive and my sister was doing her usual analysing). I should state here, he does not like it when people offer him advice, even when it is coming from people who know me and are just trying to let him know how to deal witrh me.

 

I know my sister could have put their differences aside for my benefit, but he could not, it seems. It seems he can never just put his feelings aside for my sake, to make me happy... I mean, we have two weekends where he is off, and we have the whole bloody week off...

[RayKay]

It is very possible to love someone, and know in your heart that you cannot be with them.

 

It sounds to me like part of the reason you feel this way is because you have lost your identity in this relationship. It is important to have your own life as well, and not be entirely dependent on your partner.

 

Sometimes you can find that again while being in the relationship, but it sounds like there is a level of resentment there as well towards your boyfriend which adds to the complications of doing so, as well as a feeling of not being "heard". From experience, I know how very soul-crushing that is.

 

Gather your strength together and find the means to move on if you feel it's the right thing to do.

[ffallic]

pablovblack: I would like to give him time.. but knowing what he is like and how he will react, I need to get myself secure before I even have a conversation with him about this. I will be the one moving out and he will have a month in our current place to get himself sorted. That is all I can do.

 

Once I have moved out, I think it is unlikely we will have much to do with each other. even if he wants to try and reconcile, I would keep my own place and would no longer be backing down on things which mattered to me. And he has trouble compromising, so we would be doomed to fail, I think.

 

eyeswideopen: I used to be an incredibly independent person prior to gettting togethre with him... so I know how important having my own life is, and miss it terribly. I just feel I have no identity of my own anymore. I guess you are right; he would have to be very controlling to get me to feel this way.

[ffallic]

Thanks for feedback so far all. I needed input from people who are not close to me. Its just good to be airing some of these feelings. If I talk to people around me I just come close to tears over it.

 

I'm a 28 year old man... shouldn't I have it a bit more together than this? I mean I have not even broken up with him yet.

 

I suppose I still have a lot to learn about relationships, as this is only my second relationship. ever.

[RayKay]

I'm a 28 year old man... shouldn't I have it a bit more together than this? I mean I have not even broken up with him yet.

 

I suppose I still have a lot to learn about relationships, as this is only my second relationship. ever.

 

ffallic, I think learning about relationships is a life long process, don't be so hard on yourself!

 

Remember, change is scary. And it's scary to hurt someone, at least it is if you have a heart!

 

It's never easy to take that huge risk, but you also know that staying another year, two, a lifetime, is not beneficial either at this point.

[ffallic]

I keep thinking "If only I could make him understand how I feel". But every time I think about trying to tell him I am unhappy, I just think it will turn into a fight... I am not sure why.

 

I just wish he were a horrible person. He can be difficult, stubborn, hot-headed, but he is still a good person.

 

Even my sister and my friends who think the relationship is not healthy think he is a nice guy and do not wish him harm.

 

It would be easier if he hated me... I would not know how to go about making him hate me though...

[RayKay]

Well, there is a risk it would turn into a fight, but it is important you communicate together when there are issues.

 

Maybe you are more miserable because you feel you can't discuss issues and find solutions by communicating?

 

If you could communicate and feel comfortable, would you want to stay together?

 

Can you suggest relationship counselling?

[ffallic]

Its just that we are both quick to temper... and every time we try and communicate it just turns into a shouting match (typically he thinks I am inconsiderate and selfish, I think he is stubborn and uncompromising). Honestly, the only way we can communicate is by text message. Even then it is difficult.

 

We just hardly ever see eye to eye.

 

When we first met, I was not really wanting a relationship (and told him) because I was still adjusting from my previous break-up. However, we still spent a lot of time together.

 

I was still shagging around a bit at the time. And actually stated I did not want a monogamous relationship. He said the same, but it soon became evident he did not like me shagging around. So I gave it up, for him.

 

I was still living with my ex at this time (we are very good friends still) and the time had come to move out. I said I wanted to live on my own for a while... he still suggested moving in together, and against my better judgement I did.

 

You know, as I write this I am noticing there are a number of things I did not want to do, and on every one of those accounts I went against what I wanted when he asked. Its my own darn fault. Why did I not stick to my guns and be adament about what I wanted?

[RayKay]

You know, as I write this I am noticing there are a number of things I did not want to do, and on every one of those accounts I went against what I wanted when he asked. Its my own darn fault. Why did I not stick to my guns and be adament about what I wanted?

 

You aren't the first

 

But yes, this is a big reason for your unhappiness - you lost whom you were, and don't feel heard as a partner. It sounds like there was something always not quite "there" for you to a degree.

 

Maybe it is time to move on, it won't be easy, but follow your own heart and gut at this time.

[real_life_101]

I know what you thinking.. feel like your going crazy? Well you are. Dont make the stupid mistake that everyone your age is making. What you are doing is battling for control of the relationship. You accepted your boyfriend for who is for this long your on easy street now. what I mean by that is In the beginning women being much more sensitive creatures give up a lot more in the relationship then they should, and it's not the males fault. Love is about seeing each other all the time ( what do you think marriage is about). I agree you need time alone somtimes with your friends and it does not appear he is blocking you from that. What it comes down to is your bored, let me tell you something ask any happily married couple if they get bored and they will say yeah, but when they do they do ther own thing for an hour or a day. more less they deal with it. Relationships are not all fun and games yet there are idiots that think this way, thats why the break up rate is over 50% in marriages. Little reality check the honeymoon phaze ends, a relationship is about commitment. If you treat each other well thats what counts. Everyone has flaws or red flags as humans we all make mistakes. Dont make the mistakes of leaving someone you love. Communicate talk about everything dont be affraid, if you are your relationship will end anyways. If you Leave trust me later in life you will regret it. Dont be a fool like half the people out there enjoy yourself and your relationship boring is actually good, it show's stability .......

[ffallic]

I am glad someone argued against me. But let me tell you, I am not battling

for control of the relationship. I do not believe there should be any control in a relationship! I just want things on an even playing field.

 

I may have accepted him for who he is for this long, but don't forget I spent a year on anti-depressants just to keep me going. I am just not the person I used to be, and it is from being in this relationship.

 

I can honestly tell you, I am not bored. I am unhappy. These two things are vastly different.

 

And I know relationships are not all fun and games. There are good and bad times. There are fun and dull times. But one thing that I firmly believe in is making an EFFORT to make your partner happy! Even if it may from time to time involve doing something you yourself are not entirely happy with.

 

The only reason we are not arguing much anymore is because I just gave up wanting things, or making decisions. He has been so contorlling and possessive in the past and gotten mad about such silly things that I just gave up suggesting anything...

 

Our relationship may be stable, but it has come at an awful price to me.

[ffallic]

Well, he is now aware that I am really unhappy adn that the relationship is at risk here. Not that I said the relationship was at risk. He just figured that himself once I said I was unhappy.

 

He has asked what the problem is but I have said I am not ready to talk about it yet and just need some time to get my head together. I can see he is going to push me to tell him, which will just piss me off.

 

Am kind of glad he thinks the relationship is at risk. It means I don't have to tip-toe quite as much.

 

I am going to have a talk with him (some time soon, but probably not for a couple of days) and I will put down all my issues. If he can compromise and meet me half way on things, then we may stand a chance...

 

But I have been giving in and letting him get his way for so long... I guess I will just have to see.