a jumble of feelings

[renaissancewoman101]

Anybody ever feel this way, a confused jumble of boredom, fear, uneasiness, uncertainty? My best friend called me today to chat again. He is acting like nothing is wrong (he doesnt want to talk about the "situation" until maybe this weekend. I havent heard from his bf yet either). As usual, he is complaining about his bf (they all went to Las Vegas this weekend) and how he is bored of him and now he "hates" his bf and is losing his love for him. He could care less about my situation, although he says we will discuss it this weekend and deal with it and prepare for it.

 

At the end, I am going to have to lose the both of them and it is going to turn my life upside down and that is going to kill me since I am a slave to routine and certainty. I am categorical about stuff I do and I like consistency and a routine, like if I spend time with a certain friend a certain day of the week, I like to do that and any change in time or stuff puts a wrench in my day and my emotions. Change freaks me out and brings up all types of emotional feelings in me. So, when it comes time for me to let my best friend go, it is going to kill me. I am already freaking out about the prospect of losing him, even though I know it is best for me.

 

Another worry of mines is finding a job. I know I need to find a job soon. I havent been working for about 6 months and I need to make some money and feel useful. The real reason why I am so afraid to go and find a job has to do with my weekly routine. I have a certain thing I do during one weekday and it takes up a large chunk of the day. I find comfort and joy in doing those things and if I find a job, I have to give it up or change the day (and I am not sure if it is going to work out if I do that).

 

I am so afraid of change that it is wreaking havoc on me. I have developed a bad habit of eating too much when I am worried about things. The last few weeks I have been freaked about all the change that is on the horizon and have been eating more. As a result, I have gained a lot of weight. I just looked at a picture of me that was taken a few days ago and I realize that I look fat and I need to get rid of it. I have been swimming for about an hour every other day, but I still eat too much and cant get rid of the weight.

 

How can I resolve myself to change without indulging in bad habits? Why do I feel so freaked out about change?

 

Part of me wants to run and hide. I have so much that I want to do to run and hide from all of this, but I feel so overwhelmed that I cant choose what to do. I snack too much and that isnt good for me. I worry too much.

[ElektraHere]

RW,

 

Change is a constant. Sometimes we embrace it and other times we avoid it like the plague. You need to change a few things about your life right now. Yes it will be scary but not all change is bad.

 

The b/f thing needs to go for sure that is very toxic. It will be a BIG change but really it is for the better.

 

You have the power within you to change all that affects you negatively. Its all about applying that

 

You can do it have faith in yourself....

[renaissancewoman101]

EH, do you ever get scared of change, esp changing a routine that you have been used to and look forward to for a long time?

[yeawutever]

It's normal to go through stress, that's part of life. However, it's not healthy once you can overeating and gain weigh. It's one thing overeating when you're really hungry or happy than just to fix your problems. Try talking about this is a trusted friend or going to counseling about it, they have lot of recommendations on how to properly handle stress.

[Cute Band Rat]

Ren, you sound like such a sweet sincere woman. If I lived closer to you I would invite you out to lunch . I truly feel bad for your predicament because I can tell by your posts that you really DO wanT to change your life, and sweetie I know how hard that is to do.

 

You are a creature of habit. Most people are really, but just like with smoking or any other habit..you just have to get used to doing things differently. Its tough but possible. You managed to get away from your ex. remember when THAT seemed impossible? Well..you DID it. Now you need to apply that energy to these OTHER issues in your life. You CAN do it...just be open to new possibilities.

[ElektraHere]

EH, do you ever get scared of change, esp changing a routine that you have been used to and look forward to for a long time?

 

YES!!! I totally do. When my situation with Robert happened that was a HUGE change. I hated every bit of what was happening and thought I would never recover. You know what??? I have I may not be 100% but I am about 80%. My life has improved since this change. Doors have opened and things are progressing within my life. Its funny when you change your focus you start to take in what is offered to you all around.

Will I ever see or talk to Robert anymore? No. A few months ago I would not have accepted that. Now I have to for my own sake.

 

It HAS to be about you! It is totally imperative to your well being. With negatives comes positives. REMEMBER THAT!!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

EH, I feel bad for you about Robert. I know how hard it is for you because when my ex dumped me, I had to deal with the change and then I turned my life upside down by moving away to San Diego. The weird thing is that this time, the change is going to be more dramatic than anything I have ever gone through because each time I went through stuff (in the last 13 years) I have always had my best friend in the background or somewhere in the vicinity.

 

As for my eating, tonight I went and bought a salad to eat and I am going to eat some fruit for dessert. I eat when I am worried or when things stress me out. I didnt use to be like that. When I was living in Milwaukee and going through my breakup, I stopped eating and only ate very minimally and lost a lot of weight. I have no idea why I picked up on eating by moving out here, considering most people out here are extremely thin and into looks and dieting and exercising. It is as though I am not happy out here and dont want to conform so I would rather eat and be fat than look thin.

 

My mom is also REALLY getting on my case about my weight, to the point that when I go visit my parents she is restricting what I eat. She gets mad at me when we go out and I want to pick up some sweets or cookies. Like yesterday, I went to a cookie store and bought 5 large cookies. Put it into my bag and when I went on the train, I looked in the bag and saw only two cookies. I called my mom and she told me that she didnt want me to have so many cookies so she went into my bag and took them out.

 

Too much change scares me, esp when I have a routine going.

 

I really need to find a job soon. I was looking over my finances this weekend and realized that I am running out of money and I dont want to depend on my parents because that causes more emotional strain on me.

[ElektraHere]

RW -

 

I think that finding a job is a great first step in reclaiming your independence. You can make it on your own. Yes you can!!!!