I just want to Die

[andrew05151]

hello everyone. I am having some serious emotional problems.

 

I guess, to begin with...Im only 20, my ex is 18. I started dating her when I was 18...and it lasted for 2 years. This is my first experience with love, which is probably a lot of my problem.

 

We were so happy...everything was so wonderful. She told me she wanted to marry me, she said she'd love "forever and ever and longer." I got comfortable, I took it for granted. I stopped caring as much, I stopped showing as much affection. I didn't particularly notice the signs, I thought she'd choose me no matter what...then one weekend, she decided she had feelings for her ex boyfriend still. She was upset because of me, I "hurt her." Her ex came to save the day, comforted her, and ... ugh.

 

She said she loved me, she still loved me...but she "was confused." "I need time." I fought for her, I apologized for everything, I made promises of changes, I showed her proof of these promises with a total attitude change. I became more affectionate than ever before. For one week. But, she still wasn't sure, she said she needed time...she needed to sort things out. I couldn't take it, the uncertainty was wearing me down. I felt like a failure; why wouldn't she choose me? So, I cut it off. I told her either she chooses me, or I'm leaving. She can't have the best of both of us. And I warned her that if I leave, there won't be any of that "we can still be friends." I'm in no contact mode. And so that's how I pretty much pushed her into his arms...but I think her decision was already made that she was leaving me. She was just too weak to accept it. Delaying the inevitable was too much. The constant ups of hope, only to be shattered. So, now...I'm left in a constant low...

 

All I can think about is her. All the time. I've lost my life. I'm weak and pathetic; I cry all the time. Like a little girl. I hate her, I hate this world, I hate myself.

 

I sat in my car with my keys in my hand, imagining myself swerving into oncoming traffic. I want to die so much, I'm getting tired of fighting. I have no reason to wake up in the morning, nothing to look forward to.

 

When she was with me, the world had so much color, I was so alive...and now I'm stuck in this ugly black and white. I thought I was specia, but I'm not. She's broken me in every way. I've lost the will to be alive. People tell me it will get better...it gets worse. I can't eat or sleep.

 

When I do drift off for the 20-40 minute intervals that plague my nights...I dream of her. I dream of happy, wonderful things with her. Then I wake up to find it's not real. I wake up in my hell, and I hate myself. She's everywhere, in everything. I used to play video games for fun, but now I can't. It's not fun anymore. Nothing is.

 

My friends took me out to the beach to get my mind off it...but all I could do is remember all the times we went to the beach together...and wish she was with me. No one can substitute her....I loved her so much.

 

I need help, she's destroyed me, and I'm unable to fix myself.

[InHiding]

Time heals all wounds. I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. But it will get better.

 

My ex left me for another girl during Christmas a few years back. It took me a couple of months of constant crying and anger and sadness before I finally saw any light at the end of the tunnel. But you know what? I'm stronger now than I was back then. I just needed that realization that he wasn't worth it any more.

 

Don't blame yourself for what happened. It would have happened eventually anyways, and there is someone out there for you that won't put you through this. You deserve someone who respects YOUR feelings and will fight for you. They are out there, don't worry.

 

However, it will take time to heal. Lean on your friends. Stay with those you love, they will help you through this. I think the no contact rule is the best. You need to heal. I hope this helps.

[andrew05151]

It does help, and I am trying to heal....but I want to talk to her so bad. I'm so torn up inside. It's killing me to not talk to her, but it would kill me to talk to her and be shot down, too. My friends try to take me out to have fun, but all I can think about while I'm out somewhere is how much better it would be if she was there with me, too. Being so weak and helpless...ugh

[iceman85]

andrew i'm in a situation similar to yours, please read my posts that are in the getting back together forum. I felt exactly like you felt. But here I am today to tell you that I feel better today and that you will at some point too. I love my ex very much and the fact that shes with another guy kills me but I also remember that he cant live up to what I was to her. And I bet the same will hold true for you with her. Just give her the time man, if she loves you as much as you love her she'll realize it. It may not be quick but its the chance you have to take if you ever want her back. Go no contact all the way, it'll make her miss you and its the ONLY way your going to get yourself together again. It took me weeks to be able to do anything such as listen to the radio because it reminded me too much of her. But now I can, just not certain stations or songs. I still have trouble waking up in the morning realizing that I dont have her to look forward to, but other than that I am putting my life back together and leaving her be, she needs to figure things out. I can't help her do that.

 

Just give her some space, don't look at her myspace, facebook, dont talk to her online, dont call her. Just do NC its the best thing. I am almost 21 and my girlfriend just turned 19, so I can relate agewise. Its a time where big changes take place and if your love is going to make it through that time will tell.

 

Good luck and continue to post here, it will help you through your tough time. Like I said read through my posts its a similar situation, your not the only one going through this. Stick with NC and stay strong.

[chigal28]

Just know that you are in the worst of it right now. You are hurting, and I am so sorry. But you ARE in the worst of it, and it DOES get better, I promise. I'm sure many others on this site will tell you the same thing, because we've all been through it, and know how much it hurts. It's wonderful that you're at least forcing yourself to get out and spend time with friends, and even if it feels like you're just going through the motions right now, you will remember what it was like to feel truly happy. And I do agree, NC IS the way to go. It's the only way to truly let yourself begin to heal, and move on with your life.

 

If there is anyplace you've wanted to travel, anything you've wanted to try, now's the time to explore yourself, your world, and realize how much adventure is still to be had. I know it feels like your world is black and white right now, but the color WILL come back, if you let it. And if you feel like you need to talk to a professional, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that....they can really help.

[andrew05151]

I'm really glad that there's a similar situation to mine. I'm not completely alone in my feelings, then...but I don't think I can read your posts if they are on the 'get back together forum.' I can't read about how people are getting back together...that makes me worse. We've only been broken up for 2 days, so I'm still in the worst of it. Right now I will feed on any thought of hope like a drug, and when that hope falls through I will crash again.

 

And, I can't listen to music, either. Today on my lunch break I had to go to Wendy's to get a salad...and on the radio came one of the songs we heard together in my car so many times before...and I felt suicidal all over again. This is really too much to bear.

 

But, I deleted her screen names from the AIM and MSN list, I won't go to her myspace...seeing her picture hurts way way too much. I was thinking maybe in August I might contact her, if she hasn't contacted me...but that's for the future. No point in making plans yet. Right now...I just feel so lost, hopeless, helpless, and weak.

 

You felt so special, didn't you? Like you were the only one for her, she needed you to live...to be happy. Then we're just replaced, so quickly...and we realize, we're not special at all. Love is a lie.

 

Our problem is that we made them our life. Now, we don't know how to go on without them. It's like going to somewhere fun, but alone. Like a carnival, sure the rides are still there, it's still fun....but yet, you can't be happy just going on those rides by yourself. But, when we had the girl that we loved so much with us...those rides were just so amazing. We were so happy...and we thought it wouldn't end.

 

And now here we are going in alone again; I'd do anything to see those colors some more. Anything.

 

And the situation feels so hopeless...it kills me. I'm dead on the inside.

 

And now, even if say she did come back eventually....would I be able to take her back 100%? Would the relationship work anymore? After this betrayal, this pain...can it truly be forgiven? Will we be able to build a stronger relationship on this broken foundation?

 

Hopeless...

[Daddy Bear]

speaking from experience, i can tell you that this is not the kind of problem that usually goes away quickly. but i can also say with complete confidence that if you are 20 now you will surely love again, and this will all become a distant memory. does that sound like it could be true?

[andrew05151]

I can't remember what it was like to be truly happy, though...because I don't think I ever was truly happy until she came along...

 

That's what keeps me down...I know I was only happy because she was with me...she showed me something I'd never experienced before...and it's not coming back.

 

Going out with friends can be fun...but, it's nothing compared to that tingly feeling that surges through your body when you're with that girl...it's nothing compared to the feeling of comfort that they'll be there for you no matter what...nothing compared to the thought that at the end of the night, she'll be there to tell me she loves me...oh god...that's all gone.

 

The more real this becomes, the more depressed I get. I'd do anything to make this pain go away...anything to get back to where I once was...

[andrew05151]

speaking from experience, i can tell you that this is not the kind of problem that usually goes away quickly. but i can also say with complete confidence that if you are 20 now you will surely love again, and this will all become a distant memory. does that sound like it could be true?

 

Yes, I believe that I will eventually look back on this and be ashamed. But, for now...I cannot do that. It's too strong. I made her my life, and she shattered it all. I envy all the couples on the street...

[Daddy Bear]

don't ever be ashamed, andrew. having gone through this myself a time or two, i think it really is true that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 

it ain't WONDERFUL but it beats never having known how love feels, which does happen to some people.

 

and although it doesn't feel like it, your journey of discovery has only just begun...

[iceman85]

Andrew i'm not back together with my gf, far from. I'm in NC, the reason I post there is because she has sent me mixed signals, and we both agreed to leave the door open down the road. I know that deep down she loved me, so I can't say she never did love me because I know she did. Its so hard to sit here and still love her and know that right now she doesnt, or even if she does its not what it was and she feels the need to explore other people.

 

I felt just like you andrew, i felt numb and dead inside I felt like I was never going to be better, that I wanted to die, I couldnt sleep I was making myself a complete wreck.

 

Your breakup is fresh and the pain right after is the absolute worst, be glad you found this forum so soon after. Do not beg and plead with her to take you back, thats a mistake I made, she should know how you feel, and the best thing to do right now is go NC with her. If she cares that much she will contact you.

 

Me and my ex have tickets to an event in August and i have asked her what I should do with them and she didnt know. So I'm hoping that I can find out about that at some point, its especially hard because its on my 21st birthday and it was going to be such a special night for us.

 

I'll do you a favor and repost my situation here for you, so you can see my situation and compare it with yours. I know you love this girl so much, right now you have to focus on yourself. I'd really like to know why she dumped you. I think that my ex didnt want me to be last person she was ever with and she wanted to experience other people. I think she thought our lives were too much of each other and we neglected our own lives in order to become closer with each other. I think she thought our fights about small things were hurtful and things that didnt happen when we started out. She said that my face didnt light up when I saw her anymore and she thought I felt different, but I didn't school was just stressing me out. I think she saw me as a weak needy person, and in some ways she was right. I'm doing my best to learn and become better.

 

I can see you love this girl very deeply. I love mine that much as well. I can relate to you saying that your life doesnt seem like it was anything before she came. In reality it was, it just wasnt as great without her in it. I get that completely and its hard for people to understand, because most people our age dont fall in love or dont want it.

 

I have found that flirting with other girls is nice and gives me some confidence and a boost of sorts, but its only temporary. I love my ex and I need to get over that as best I can. Its hard when I truly feel that both of us wishes we were still together, and that in the future we would be open to things. However she is completley changing, she is with a new group of friends, doing whatever with some guy, some days she called it a relationship other days she said she didnt know what it was. It confuses the heck of out of me.

 

Its so hard to not feel her touch or be able to put my arm around her and have it just feel perfect because it was. To picture another guy doing that just isn't right and its so hard to possibly imagine that happening.

 

We have to do NC, we cant make them come back right now, they are confused or they are changing, we love them so much why would we want someone who doesnt love us?

 

Just take it day by day, make each day better, find something small to make each day better. If your religious place your faith in God, he will lead you to resolution and do his best to help you.

 

If by some great event our girls do come back it will not be an easy decision, not after what has happened. I couldnt take my girl back right now without a whole lot of assurances and a whole lot of action on her part. It just wouldnt be right and shes just hurt me too much with what shes done and what she always promised me she wouldnt.

 

Your going to be alright, your a great guy and some girl will realize this if your ex doesnt. I am going to post my situation here for you, use it as you may, but I feel like it will be good to see your not hte only one out there going through this.

[iceman85]

Andrew as promised here is my story.

 

We met while she was in high school and i was in college, she was just getting out of a relationship and i was pretty lonely and lost myself just starting college. We would hook up and see each other but we didnt start going out until months of this had gone on. She thought that I was embarrassed to be with her and thought that I really didnt want to be with her. When in reality it was that i liked her but wasnt sure. Eventually we did start going out and I came to realize that I was such an idiot for not starting things earlier. I think this hurt her quite a bit and she has mentioned it a few times, i told her how stupid and sorry i was.

 

Our relationship started and was wonderful she made me so happy and little by little we grew to love each other, it was something i totally didnt expect. We had our issues especially with each of us starting college. She started college and had alot of difficulty with it, I was really upset with her when she left because I felt I needed to be with someone who was in college and that wanted to do well for themselves. I got pretty nasty with trying to make her stay and it was the wrong thing to do. She did eventually go to another college and our relationship didnt really seem to suffer after the issue had gone away a bit.

 

We would talk about getting married and we both took each other's virginity. I was hesitant about it at first but I went for it when I knew I loved her. She was a very sexual person and that stopped toward the end of the relationship, she would never want to do anything.

 

I tried to be the best boyfriend I could, i would always try to show her how much I loved her, and i expressed some concern that she didn't always do the same. She said she had problems with doing that and i said it was alright and i was so happy when she finally made a breakthrough and did something very special for me.

 

She usually came to visit me at my dorm and college was stressful for me, i was going through issues with roomates and bad classes and I think sometimes I let that get the best of me. I would usually go to see her at home too and we would just hang out at her house.

 

She expressed concern about our relationship being boring and i told her there wasnt much I could do about it being at school, that i was stressed and that when the summer came I would do everything I could. I thought she just wanted me to do more, she thought i was cheap and didn't want to pay for her. She wanted to go out to eat all the time or for me to buy her stuff and I didn't want to do that all the time, I dont have a lot of money even though she thinks i do.

 

Throughout all these bumps I thought everything would be alright, and it was just things that would need to be worked on, I felt like I didn't really have the time to with school, I tried to listen to her and understand, but I thought that our love for each other would carry us through because no matter how much we would argue it would eventually seem alright.

 

When i got home for the summer she wanted to go out to breakfast so I was happy and thought it could be something good to start off the summer. I told her about this great place we should go to and she agreed. I had to wait for her to get up since her sleep habits are a bit weird and then we went, when we got there it was closed for breakfast and i was upset with her because I felt it was her fault that we missed breakfast. I told her that this was hanging over my head and i just wanted it to be over with. She told me she wanted to go home and I told her i snapped and that i was sorry i didnt really mean that, but she didnt believe me. We went back to my house and we had sex but it wasnt like it usually was.

 

Things seemed to be ok after this, we hung out like usual even though not as often since she started seeing a new group of friends. One night in particular i was over and she said she had plans with these people. That really hurt me that I had to leave her and she said she was sorry that she wanted to stay but that she doesnt break promises to people. I said alright and she told me she was so sorry, that she loved me and she would make it up to me somehow. She called me right after I left to tell me how much she loved me and how sorry she was.

 

Then a few days later she wanted a break, it struck me kinda out of nowhere since I didn't believe we would ever be apart. I figured if she needed time then so be it, but it was so hard for me to deal with. We still talked and saw each other but it was hard. Then she wanted to break up for good after i pushed her about things. I then cut off contact for memorial day weekend, she called me nonstop and very angrily. She said that we had plans to make plans and that I neglected that, I told her that I had no idea she would want to make plans esepcially after everything that transpired and that I thought she wanted to be broken up, she said that she just said that to get me off her back and that she didnt really mean that. So i asked her then what did she mean and she said she didnt know.

 

Since then I found out from a mutual friend that she kissed another guy on the first night of our break, i was so hurt, and figured this is why she wanted to break up. It really hurt not coming from her also. I got so angry and demanded to see her since I thought she cheated on me. Thats when the story goes to my first post. We talked, we had some moments of hugging, her putting her head on my shoulder, me rubbing her head, but when i tried to snuggle she was uncomfortable. Then as I was leaving I mouthed I love you to her and she mouthed it back to me.

 

*****************Heres a little more on the day I went to see her that I described above********************

 

So we continue talking and we had moments, she rested her head on my shoulder and i would brush the hair out of her face, I rubbed her head for a little while, but then when it came to snuggling she said she felt uncomfortable. Shortly after that I left because I could see she was uncomfortable. She gave me a nice hug and a kiss after I asked her for one. She walked me to the door and we hugged a few more times. I whispered to her that I loved her, our next hug I felt her give me a little peck on the neck, and I returned the favor. I looked her in the eye and told her I hate whats happened and that she means the world to me. On the way out i turned around and mouthed "i love you" to her twice and she mouthed it back to me.

 

My question is what do i do? She has been hanging around with a new group of friends, mostly guys and that really bothered me when she first told me about it while we were still together. Shes been smoking, drinking and doing other questionable stuff recently and its new and not her. She says that her feelings are gone but I don't think they are.

 

I told her i couldn't talk to her or see her anymore and she became visibly upset that I would do that. I agreed that we can talk but it would be hard. I won't be initiating conversation, she'll have to do that. Our problems that our relationship had came up and we talked about them some which was good. She said our relationship had becoming boring and not like it was in the beginning, which i told her happens and that we were just in need of some work on things. She disagreed and said that wouldnt have done anything.

 

I told her that I dont want to close the book on us for good, I said if she needs to go and experience things then go do it. She agreed about not closing the book on us and just doing what she wanted to for awhile. It really hurts me that she is with another guy so quickly, she gets upset when I talk to her and i'm in such a horrible mood because of what happened. She says her feelings left but for some reason i don't totally believe her especially after what i wrote above.

[andrew05151]

Wow...our situations truly have many similarities. I started dating her my second year of college, she was a junior in High School...I had never dated anyone before. I was too insecure in High School. We started talking on AIM at first...and she pushed things along quickly. Too quickly for me. I got scared and ran. I told her I didn't think we should talk anymore, and that she should just forget about me. She fought a little bit, then found another guy. When that happened, I had a change of heart, and decided maybe I _DID_ want a girlfriend, after all. I managed to get inbetween her new relationship, which lasted 3 weeks. From there, things really took off. It didn't take her too long to express that she was "falling for me." She showed me what it was to passionately kiss, she showed me what affection was all about...and, somewhere around 6 months or so...we took eachother's virginities. She wanted me to, and I wasn't sure...but I eventually cracked.

 

She's so beautiful, too. Walking into a public area with her on my arm made me so proud. I felt blessed, lucky, wonderful, loved...alive. But, there was something that started to get to me...

 

She was a very negative person. She would complain about almost everything, and lacked the ability to make decisions, as well. At first, I tolerated this, of course. But after a while, it really started to wear on me. It seemed no matter what I was doing, there would be a problem with it; somewhere, somehow. It felt like whatever I did wasn't good enough for her. I would ask her what she wanted to do for the night, she would say she didn't care. I would suggest we go for a walk down by the river, she would say something negative and discouraging over that idea. I would suggest we could hang out at her house, she would say it's boring there and there's nothing to do.

 

And then, she would complain that we always do the same things. She wanted something new. I'd ask her what she wanted to do, then. She would reply with an "I don't know." Well, what can I do about it? I tried my hardest to keep things interesting for her, I tried to make her happy all the time. But, it felt impossible. Like I was fighting an uphill battle...but, nonetheless. She always said she loved me more than anything. She promised me she would love me "No matter what, forever and ever."

 

I became increasingly frustrated with all the complaining...and I became stressed from classes as well. This affected me negatively, and I decided to change my approach. Instead of trying to please her all the time, and get cut down for it. I decided to become hostile whenever she complained. I thought that this would discourage her from complaining in the future. It was the biggest mistake of my life; all it did was cause a lot of stupid little fights, which were all my fault. My hostility hurt her deeply, and ultimately pushed her away. It wasn't 100% fair to me, in the first place. Her negativity hurt me, as I felt I was failing her...However, I realize now there was something I should have done. I should be remained positive, and countered her with that. That's all I needed to do! I hate myself more than anything for failing to realize this. Because, she just needs a jolt start. She complains and drags herself down, but I've done it before; given her a little positive kick, and it gets her moving.

 

Unfortunately, I am an idiot, and failed myself, and her. She was becoming increasingly closer with her ex-ex-boyfriend (who she's with now)...Now, she always sent me very sexy pictures of herself (as we only saw eachother on the weekends, another mistake I sadly made). One day, my brother tells me that in his history class...someone was playing with her ex-ex's ipod and found a topless picture of her on it, where she was cupping herself to cover the nudity.

 

This totally shattered me. I puked, I felt so hurt, so betrayed. I thought all I could do was dump her. However, she cried and begged me not to. She wanted a second chance, she said she never meant to sent that...it just happened. I didn't want to leave her, I love her so much...so I agreed to give her another chance. However, I told her not to talk to this guy anymore. That, was another mistake I made...probably. But, at the time...it seemed like a good idea.

 

Unfortunately, the pain this caused me didn't go away. Subconsciously, I wanted to hurt her back. I lost most my trust in her, and I started to stop caring about what happened to us. This caused me to become increasingly more hostile; causing a fight over every little stupid thing.

 

I just completely took everything for granted. I didn't realize what I had, anymore. I had forgotten how lucky I was, and how amazing every minute with her was.

 

She was graduating, and on the senior trip. Away from me for the first weekend in a long time. She called me the first night of the trip, but my brother grabbed my phone to play a joke on her. She told "me" she missed me, and he just said "oh...yeah?" I tried to get the phone from him, but he kept it. She hung up. I called her back immediately, explained to her it wasn't me. After a bit she seemed to calm down some...but she kept talking to all her friends in the room. I started to get irritated with that, as I thought she was supposed to be talking to me...can't she talk to them afterwards? It's rude to call someone, and then talk to everyone else around you instead...so I told her "You obviously can't focus right now, so I'll talk to you tomorrow." I don't remember if that was the end of the conversation, I don't think I said I love you. I was such a moron.

 

I guess she cried after I hung up. Her friends most likely told her I was a waste of her time, and then her knight in shining armor, mr ex-ex came to the rescue. They got close that weekend, in a more than friends way. They cuddled, they danced, they held hands. She came back that Sunday to give me the bad news. All of a sudden my vision cleared...

 

It all became so clear what I had, but only because I was losing it. I realized then how much I really did love her. I didn't care about her complaining or anything else. I just needed her around me. That's all I want, anymore. I can be positive, I know I can.

 

I fought for her for a week, she wanted to go on break. I refused, told her people never get back together. She said she was confused, needed time to think. I knew what that meant, though. She decided to be with this new guy, because he made her feel better than I had...and he was something new. She was bored with me, and sick of me hurting her. She needed time to accept that she was going to leave me, but her mind was made up...I knew. But, I tried to fight it all. We had sex, we kissed, I bought her flowers (she also complained that I didn't buy her anything, but I don't have much money, either). I thought everything was going good. She seemed so smiley, so happy with me again. The sex seemed great, intimate and passionate.

 

Then I find out from her friend that she told her that when we kiss she doesn't feel what she used, during the sex it's not the same. This drove me over the edge, into suicidal tendencies. It became apparent that I was losing everything. I was driving in my car, and every time I saw oncoming traffic, I could see myself swerving into them. I managed to keep control of myself. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping for the most part. I haven't regained either, yet.

 

I left her after that. I told her she had to either choose me, or I was leaving. She still stuck with her "I'm confused, I need more time, I don't know what I feel." So, I left. I figured, if she's not sure she she wants to be with me, why should I stick around?

 

The uncertainty with her "I don't know what to do" was killing me. The false hope it creates. The high I would get, only to crash time and time again. At least now I stay down.

 

I've been in no contact for a few days, it's so difficult. I know I love her, I know I can change and not hurt her anymore. I know I can make her happy...but, she won't give me the second chance I gave her. She's selfish, and weak. But, so am I. I hate myself for loving her, and I hate myself for hating myself. I hate her for making me hate myself, and everything around me. I hate her for breaking my will, and for sucking every ounce of my self esteem.

 

But, I love her more than anything.

 

I'm twisted and sick in the head. She saved me from myself, and showed me what life is truly about. Then, she stole it all away. I need it back again. But, she's with this new guy who "makes her feel good." So, I'm out.

 

I think about the upcoming days, knowing that the happiness I once had will not be returning...and it keeps me down even further. I try to sleep, but am awoken by dreams every 20 minutes or so. Some of the dreams are of happy times, when she loved me still. I wake to find that it's not real, I wake up in my own hell and I cry. Some of the dreams are about things she may be doing with this other guy, and I wake up already crying. Everything leads back to her in some way. I can't bear to hear music, anymore. I can't bear to do anything, anymore.

 

Me and my friends went to the mall, and hit on some girls there. Got a bunch of screen names. It was really fun, and boosted the self esteem. But, like you said...that's temporary. Those girls were mostly arrogant, and live too far away, anyways. With my ex, we could just sit in bed together, holding eachother, watching stupid TV Shows. And, it was the best, ever.

 

There's a girl I like that works here on campus, and I think I might ask her out later today. Her acceptance can heal this pain I feel, but her rejection....

 

All this wishing I was dead is getting old. It goes on, but it's old. I want my innocence back. With all my memories, and photographs...I'm learning to love the lie.

 

Before I left her, she still told me she loved me. So, I'm not sure, but I don't think she's lying to me. I just don't get why she needs to date this guy again, if she loves me. This is the third time they've dated. You'd think if they've broken up twice before, they'll do it again. But, probably not. In my mind I hope she's dating him just to see for herself if she loves me, but it's been three days and she hasn't contacted me...so, I think she might have dated me only to find out that she loves this guy instead. Things are just so messed up, how can things ever get back to good?

 

I think all we can do is move on. We can learn to love the next girl, right? I certainly hope so.

[iceman85]

Andrew right now I don't think your in a place to be with another girl, you need to heal through NC first. If you jump right into things with another girl they are gonna sense whats going on with you right away and get themselves out of it.

 

You really love her that much is true, and it is so hard to go day after day without what was so wonderful. Don't beat yourself up, everybody makes decisions, mistakes, it takes two to make a good relationship, look at the mistakes she made, she was equally responsible, you were nothing but a good boyfriend who tried his best to love her.

 

Shes young like my ex, and I don't think at such a young age something so powerful and great as a long term relationship is expected, everyone around them probably tells them that its wrong and that they need to find other people. We can only hope that these other people make them realize that nothing compares to what they had with us.

 

I know what you want deep down is not to move on, if you still have hope with her and love her this much then just stay with NC, heal and think if she is really that one for you. If she is you know what you have to do.

 

I just went 4 days without contact with my ex and she texted me that she was really sorry for how things went down between us, then online she imed me and said she wanted to talk but then told me she needed more time to think about what she wanted to say. It was so hard for me not to burst out and tell her that I love her still and shes always on my mind. But I didn't, I just told her that when shes ready to come to me. I have no idea what it is she is going to say but I'm going to expect the worst so that I wont get hurt nearly as much. Although I say that and if it is the worst I probably will be really hurt regardless.

 

Give it time, enjoy your life the best you can without her right now, you guys shared so much time together, soon or later shes going to contact you even if its just to check up on you, I think she cares about you, but she doesnt know if its right, she is confused because she was pulled by her ex bf while she was still with you, im sure thats something she never wanted to happen, but it happened and she went with what was new and more powerful at the time.

 

Just stay strong and anything that you feel or think or that happens post here and me and all the other wonderful members here will help you out. I really hope that theres a happy ending to our stories somewhere.

[andrew05151]

But, how do we know No Contact will work? It's been three days, she hasn't contacted at all. Today my friend got an IM from her, asking about this girl that's been my friend for a while. My ex never liked this girl, she was always threatened. So, my friend IMs me her question. "Do you know that Jess' last name the one that Andrew always hangs out with?"

 

Immediately, my heart begins racing. She cares, she cares! She must have noticed my away messages that I was with Jess...

 

Then, NOPE!

 

"I got the paper with my roomate today, it is Jess Foregrow and that sounded really familiar."

 

No, she doesen't care. So, I ask my friend to let her know that I am hanging out with Jess a lot recently...and that I might be asking another girl out.

 

"So? We're not together anymore, why should I care what he's doing? It's his own life, not mine."

 

Wow. That's harsh.

 

I see NC is good for me, because if I don't talk to her at all...don't see her myspace, her AIM info, her Aways...then it's like she really is out of my life. I'm not _AS_ stuck in the rut...BUT...I think it's also negative in some ways, too. Because, it's the same for her, too. It also helps her get over US. The less she hears from me, the less she thinks of me...the easier it is for her to get closer to her new boyfriend.

 

That's why, I need to ask this girl out. I won't talk about my ex...I hope. I just need something to give me back some color. Something to wake up for....

 

I gotta give it a chance.

[andrew05151]

I really hope that theres a happy ending to our stories somewhere.

 

Me too, man. More than anything else, I just hope that things will work out for all of us. And now we know how much we love them...we won't take what we had for granted again. We can truly enjoy ourselves...