Sex ultimatum.

[cacain119]

I feel bad for giving it, and it was one of those things that I said it and I didn't mean to or want to, yet I meant it.

 

My boyfriend and I have sex, on average about 4-5 times a week. Lately (the last 3-5mo or so) it's become so mechanical which was fine for awhile because we both used it as an outlet. I've been going through a really insecure part of my life right now, switching universities, without work, lost a lot of weight (which is a stress of mine, I have a VERY high metabolism so it's so hard for me to gain) -- and he's so busy with work (lots of deadlines in the summer months) -- we just became so routine. I need to feel loved right now. I told him I didn't want to have sex anymore because I felt it was so mechanical, and that we never "make love" anymore. I would rather spend that time kissing, and hugging, and cuddling, and talking. He doesn't even like *talking* about sex unless it's about turn ons/turn offs...

 

I just don't know what to do or say to him about it. I started my cycle today so we have a week to figure out what we want to do -- he was really comforting today (i wasn't feeling good obviously). Has anyone gone through this problem? I just need some outside perspective.

[dopexile]

don't make an ultimatum... i would suspect that would only cause resentment that gets shown in other ways... if he doesn't make an effort just tell him you aren't turned on or you aren't in the mood. handle it situation by situation... just think of it in terms of classical conditioning... if he does a good job then reward him and if not tell him you arent in the mood and force him to step up

[Daddy Bear]

is your problem really about sex, or is it more the lack of cuddling? you should be able to find time for both. maybe you could think about telling him that you need him to provide the one in order for you to feel good about giving him the other. that's not an ultimatum, just the simple truth.

[nottoogreen]

Are you lovers or friends with benefits?

 

Are you satisfied with the sex you have with him - if not, do not let him use your body.

 

If the two of you can't talk about issues, you are not ready for sex.

 

Talk to him and evaluate both your intentions and your relationship.

[RayKay]

To be honest, I really don't think withholding sex EVER has very good results in the end. Not only is it punishing someone from part of the relationship that is supposed to be bonding (using intimacy as a weapon of sorts) it will build resentment in one or both partners and it does often irreversible damage to the sexual intimacy of the relationship. And that is a very slippery slope.

 

My advice is if you are feeling you need more affection, you work on that, and discuss that as part of sex, but you don't decide you want to "stop having sex". Why can't kissing, cuddling, talking become part of your sexual intimacy, rather than replace it?

[annie24]

I agree with raykay.... withholding sex isn't going to make him want to make love to you!

 

i suggest you talk to him about it gently, not when you're in bed together. maybe say something like, "remember when we first started dating, and we would cuddle and kiss for hours on end? I really loved that, it really turned me on. Can we do that tonight?"

 

good luck

[cacain119]

We have been together for 4 years, we're not friends with benefits. We've been through a lot together -- he moved to FL for a year while I was still in OK, and then to Arkansas, etc.... It's not that we don't love each other. We're very playful and loving towards each other outside of the bedroom. But sex seems to just be happening because it's "fun" -- and that doesn't seem right to me. I *tried* talking to him about it -- and he got upset and didn't want to talk about it. I didn't raise my voice or anything... I just calmly talked about it. It wasn't a discussion though, bc he just laid there with his eyes closed, not telling me a thing. We were both WIDE awake when it started, then he used the excuse that he was tired which was bull. He just wanted out of it.

[RayKay]

Well, to be fair I don't know many people whom would want to be involved in a discussion that had them being told they were not going to be having sex anymore

 

Even so, maybe he felt a bit "reproached" for being told he wasn't "good enough" in that aspect, most people are rather..sensitive about that!

 

Sex should happen because it's fun. It should also happen because it's loving. It should also happen because it's a way to bond together. It should happen because it feels good. There are lots of reasons for sex, and one reason does not exclude another.

 

I still think that instead of taking sex OUT of the equation, you need to add TO the sex equation itself.

[TiredMan]

I agree with Dopexile. Ultimatum is the worst approach and it usually builds resentment and if the guy is like me, I would break out of there. By giving one, it's almost like ur saying it's on him. I would suggest trying to figure out what YOU can do on your end to make it better for you. If someone told me they were withholding sex, or anything from me, my instinct would be to withhold it longer in return or look elsewhere, and you can't really blame them for looking elsewhere either.

[cacain119]

the thing is, I *try* to lead by example, showing what I would like for him to do, showing how good it feels on him, when I do it -- he just gets silly, like purposely being overdramatic about it, and it turns me off. It's like his way in the bedroom or the highway.

[TiredMan]

It's a sensitive issue but trust me, the ultimatum route will only hurt both people. The guy will usually resent u and start to look at other outlets and this would be the only case where I couldn't blame someone for cheating and I absolutely despise cheating.

[cacain119]

He looked to other outlets anyway (not cheating, but you know what guys look for in those cases) -- even when he WAS having sex with me...

[TiredMan]

I dont understand what you mean by other outlets but NOT cheating.

 

Also, keep in mind that the longer u are with someone, the sex usually does change in terms of frequency and spark. That part is only natural when two people are monogamous for a long time.

[Holiday]

Pornography? That's no big deal imho.

[cacain119]

Well, I don't see it as a big deal either... Just sayin, there are other outlets he has for this sort of thing.. So he can be how he wants to be alone, but with me, his job is to please me. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm cutting to the core of it.

[Sisyphus]

Well, I don't see it as a big deal either... Just sayin, there are other outlets he has for this sort of thing.. So he can be how he wants to be alone, but with me, his job is to please me. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm cutting to the core of it.

 

His job is to please you...so you help this happen by withholding sex?

 

This sounds adversarial. Unhealthy. ](*,)

[cacain119]

I know -- it doesn't *feel* right, but I don't know what else I can do. I didn't *want* to do this. It's just like, if he can't do it right, why do it at all.

[TiredMan]

Well, I don't see it as a big deal either... Just sayin, there are other outlets he has for this sort of thing.. So he can be how he wants to be alone, but with me, his job is to please me. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm cutting to the core of it.

 

I don't think he has a "job" to please you. I sincerely hope you didn't say something like that to him.

[annie24]

Well, I don't see it as a big deal either... Just sayin, there are other outlets he has for this sort of thing.. So he can be how he wants to be alone, but with me, his job is to please me. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm cutting to the core of it.

 

if that is the case... then your job is also to please him!

 

sex is very important to men and women. think of it this way - there are many people he can go and have dinner with, or go to the game with, but there is only one person he can have sex with.

 

and if you cut off the sex... you face the real possibility of him saying, "ok, I will go elsewhere."

 

Porn/mastrubation is fine when you are single, and when you are between relationships. However, when you are in a relationship, and your partner refuses to sleep with you, it makes you wonder why you are in a relationship with that person at all. Not that it is all about sex... but if a boyfriend didn't want to sleep with me (and I have been in that position!), it would make me feel extremely sad and rejected, I would feel like I was disgusting to them, and the relationship usually died a very quick death soon after.

 

We are just all warning you... if you give this ultimatum.... he may not stay your boyfriend for long.....

[annie24]

why don't you two start experimenting a bit more.... like tantric sex, or studying the Kama Sutra together....

 

maybe you just need something to infuse the "connection" into your lives again...

[nottoogreen]

Cacain, there is more to it in your relationship. You can't even talk to him how to please him. He seems emotionally retarded and rather immature the way he behaves. All he wants is his daily wank on your body. I think I did similar things a long time ago.

 

Keep talking straight to him. You deserve satisfaction.

[cacain119]

nottogreen -- you put it perfectly. that's EXACTLY how I've felt.

 

We got stupid, felt we needed to *infuse* our relationship as one of the posters already mentioned and started using porn, etc. I don't enjoy it, but he does. I think that's the biggest problem. He said he'd delete, etc, etc.. But it's a huge fantasy of his. Anything but me seems to be a real fantasy. I don't feel I please him anymore and I just don't think he can deal with my needs right now sexually if its all going to be about him. I feel I'm defending *myself* from getting hurt.

[nottoogreen]

nottogreen -- you put it perfectly. that's EXACTLY how I've felt.

 

We got stupid, felt we needed to *infuse* our relationship as one of the posters already mentioned and started using porn, etc. I don't enjoy it, but he does. I think that's the biggest problem. He said he'd delete, etc, etc.. But it's a huge fantasy of his. Anything but me seems to be a real fantasy. I don't feel I please him anymore and I just don't think he can deal with my needs right now sexually if its all going to be about him. I feel I'm defending *myself* from getting hurt.

 

Ahh, I watched porn a long time ago too, my gf thought it was exciting. It got us excited more and caused me finish way too fast - that time I finished too fast anyway. I never watched porn again.

 

It seems a problem that some people need ever more excitement and forget that all we need is love and satisfaction.

 

You know of bunjee jumping - porn is equivalent. But what can you do when you are bored? Cut the rope?

 

He should enjoy you and not dream about someone else while he is wanking on your body.

 

Tell him you want to make love and not be a doll for his wanking. He must enjoy you and you him.

 

Anyway, sex with young guys is not easy - let's say I was no better. But I enjoyed to listen and learn.

 

Which brings me to the more important part, which is your relationship, mentioned in my first reply. To be happy and intimate and to desire, you must feel understood and wanted, and again he is too immature to understand this. He makes you feel used and this is a big turnoff.

 

So, I agree with you to no sex because of no functioning relationship.

 

Lastly, I like to say, you had sex with him too early. Turning it off is hard on a relationship, but what is this relationship worth?.

[annie24]

So, I agree with you to no sex because of no functioning relationship.

 

you are advocating they break up?

[cacain119]

it's worth everything. We've been together for 4 years, but embarrassingly enough, we used the justification of us knowing each other *longer* than that to jump into sex within our first month and a half of dating. We've been to counselling (about other things) and they made the comment that once you've had sex, it's like you entered marriage (you already made that bond) so every year that your together + the years you're *actually* married totals the years that your "emotionally" married. Something I never would have put together that first night. lol ...It's like we're already past the point of being newly weds before we're married.. It's hard to swallow.

 

I just need dialogue I guess... everything is about his hormones.. and I'm tired of it. I don't want to cancel the sex, but I need him to understand what *I* need. ..And to be big enough to listen to me. That's the hardest part. It's not about him anymore, it's not about me making him feel bad that he hasn't completed me either, though. I want to handle this maturely.. just don't know how to go about it anymore. ](*,)

 

Edit: more information -- EVERYTHING outside of the bedroom is *great* -- we really do get along... and we really do love each other.. we're just having problems in this -- well -- *crucial* area..