Torn between ex and new bf...what to do?

[cm06]

So my ex and I broke up almost 3 years ago after dating for almost 3 years. We were 17 when we started dating and 20 when we broke up. We were each other's first loves and everything so the break up was very hard on me, especially since he was the one who wanted it. About 6 months after we broke up I started dating a new guy who I'm still with. I love him very much and he's a great guy. My family and friends love him and everyone says how compatible we are. Since my ex and I broke up I have had no contact with him since I didn't want to get hurt. I'd hear how he was doing through one of my mutual friends and I knew he had gotten a new gf around the time my bf and I started dating.

Well just recently I saw him for the first time since the break up. He told me how he and his gf had just broken up. Since this time, he has been IMing me and when I saw him yesterday he was asking how serious I am with my current bf. It seems like he is interested in getting back together but he has never come out and said that. The problem is is that even after all these years and even though I have a great bf, I still can't help but feel something for him. I don't know if it's because he was my first love or if it's some nostaglia feeling. I just still feel that same connection I felt years ago. I feel so guilty and don't know what to do. I don't want to get back together with him and ruin what could be a very good thing with my current bf, I want to stop feeling this way for him. It's been so long and he's the one who broke my heart. I don't know how to stop my feelings for him. Should I go back to no contact? Any advice would be so helpful. Thanks so much.

[Belle]

If I were you, I'd stick with current option. One thing you know, your ex broke your heart. He didn't want you any more. Now that he's alone he wants you back? Sounds shady and selfish to me. What's to stop him from breaking up again? Plus, it's not like he said he made a huge mistake and realized that he really wanted to be with you. He's just fishing to see if he still has any power. That's bullsh... in my opinion.

 

If you really dig your current guy, stick with him. Even if you don't you can always break up but still I wouldn't go back to the ex. They're an ex for a reason. Seriously.

[chigal28]

If things really are great and you are happy with your new bf, I'd say leave the past in the past. I'm sure you guys broke up for a reason, and I agree with Belle, it IS shady that he's suddenly started talking to you again now that his other relationship is over. Don't ruin what could be (and already seems to be) a great thing for something that's probably best left alone. Think about why you broke up, and really consider if things would be different, and if you would be happier back with him than you are with your current bf, with whom it DOES sound like you are really happy.

 

It's easy to get confused when an ex comes back into your life and seems to show an interest again...believe me, I know. But you really have to question whether they have your best interests at heart, and whether you want to delve back into the past when it sounds like you've moved on SO well.

[Rabican]

Weigh the pros and cons of each guy, and decide who you want to be with. But remember your ex did smash your heart once.... consider that.

 

That being said, if you stay with your current man, then you have to cut the ex loose. Tell him you are with someone, and it is not appropriate for you to be talking to him, or hanging out with him. The fact that you still have these torn feelings, and connection, or lust or whatever it is... makes it a bad idea for you to keep him around. You cant honestly be with your current man, and keep your ex around as 'just a friend'.

 

Pick one, or the other. but be honest with both. Dont try to have your cake and eat it too, and im sure youll be ok.

[CHINOOKA]

I agree with the other posters. sounds kind of like a needless risk of double jeaopardy. You stand to lose your new love, and to be hurt again. Then you would be guilty of hurting someone in the same way you were hurt before on top of it.

[cm06]

Thanks for all of the advice. What all of you said does make a lot of sense. It's just that when we first broke up I'd dream about the day that he'd come back and now that he is it's hard. If my ex does ask to hang out again, do you think I should keep making excuses or just tell him that I'm serious with my new bf? If he doesn't want to get back together I don't want to sound stupid by assuming that, although he has made it pretty obvious. Also, should I tell the whole story to my current bf? I don't want him to worry about everything when he shouldn't. Thanks again.

[so_contagiously]

I agree to the others. just stay with your current one. Something amazing is right infront of you and you're holding it, don't let it go because of your ex. First loves are ALWAYS hard. you have to control it, and think if its really nostalgia [as you said] . Don't ruin the nice things that's been happening to you. And if your ex calls you to hang out, tell him you have plans with your new bf.

[Rabican]

Thanks for all of the advice. What all of you said does make a lot of sense. It's just that when we first broke up I'd dream about the day that he'd come back and now that he is it's hard. If my ex does ask to hang out again, do you think I should keep making excuses or just tell him that I'm serious with my new bf? If he doesn't want to get back together I don't want to sound stupid by assuming that, although he has made it pretty obvious. Also, should I tell the whole story to my current bf? I don't want him to worry about everything when he shouldn't. Thanks again.

 

If you want to stay with your current man, and your ex calls you... simply tell him that you are happy with your new man. You would like to continue your friendship with said 'ex' but you feel it is not appropriate, and not respectful to your man to do so, thereforeeee you feel you cannot hang out/ talk/ whatever.

That should cover it, if he respects you at all he should respect this and stay away. If he doesnt stay away... you know the ex shouldnt be in your thoughts anyways. Nobody likes the 'other man'.