Do we really want to hear the truth from our partners?

[whatsagirltodo]

My main question is: Is honesty really the best policy in a relationship?

 

I'll try to keep this story short

I was hanging out last night with some girl friends. First time in AWHILE.

 

I didn't really know everyone too well (it was sort of friends getting together and bringing along friends)

 

This one girl was obviously upset about fighting with her boyfriend so we started talking about that...Turns out he went drinking with some buddies sometime last week and came home trying to have a "serious" discussion with her about their relationship. She said she wasn't taking him seriously because he never remembers what he says when he's drunk. One thing really upset her:

 

He told her that she's overweight. Apparently he talks about her weight when he's not drunk too, but never flat out told her or made her feel "fat". (he talks about it in a health-related sort of way, i guess, not a bad way)

 

She IS overweight. She was overweight when they met, but has gained more since then. It's the truth, but should he really have said it?

 

It's difficult though, because he didn't say it in a deragatory way. He said he loves her and he thinks she's beautiful but that doesn't change the fact that she IS overweight and that she seems to not care about what kind of physical shape she is in.

 

Her defense was: She knows she's fat, but never really thought it was a problem in their relationship...but to me it sounds like, it ISN'T a problem in the relationship...he WAS just telling the truth

 

From what i know, she doesn't live an active lifestyle and her boyfriend is into sports and is very physical.

So now that you heard that, I'm wondering, Should she be mad at him for telling her the truth? The truth hurts, and everyone says you should be honest in a relationship...however, in my relationship with my boyfriend, he HAS definitly gained weight since we've been dating, however i do not want to point out to him that his stomach is getting large (like his dad's!!!) So when he asks me how he looks I never tell him his gut is getting big...so is it bad that i'm sort-of lying to him?

 

should we be honest with our partners even if it hurts they're feelings?

[annie24]

weight is a very touchy subject. I honestly prefer it if my partner doesn't bring it up with me. I know my weight, and I don't need someone reminding me. And if they don't like it, they should leave. The only people I can tolerate hearing stuff like that from are personal trainers. And if my partner isn't a personal trainer/model/whatever himself, I don't want to hear it! Who are they to judge?

 

It sounds like his gf is sensitive about it also. He would be better off being supportive of her when SHE SAYS she wants to lose weight. Like if she suggests wanting to lose weight, he can suggest they go for a bike ride together or something.

 

As for your boyfriend, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe he is asking how he looks because he is feeling self-conscious because he knows his gut is getting big. I think you should just tell him he looks great and you are crazy about him. Maybe ask him to go to the gym with you because you would like a workout buddy? try to make it more about you, not him!

 

I don't know - I just know that I am sensitive, and when I look back on my exes, I have a lot more affectionate feelings towards my exes who did not comment on my weight, as opposed to those who did.

[OceanEyes]

Speaking as someone who used to have weight issues, I can say with full confidence that honesty is NOT always the best policy.

 

I think Annie is right when she says that people KNOW about their weight. Telling them straight-out that you agree with their own perceptions of themself will probably hurt their feelings and make them self-conscious around you.

 

If it's really that important that your partner takes more of an interest in their physical appearance, then try to encourage them to sign up for a kung-fu class or something fun and interesting - basically something that doesn't automatically say to them, "you're looking a bit ROUND lately, get off your lazy tail and get to the gym or you might find yourself single".

 

It's either that, or try selecting a partner next time who you KNOW is more into their physical health and appearance. Some people are just less concerned with it.

[annie24]

try to encourage them to sign up for a kung-fu class or something fun and interesting - basically something that doesn't automatically say to them, "you're looking a bit ROUND lately, get off your lazy tail and get to the gym or you might find yourself single".

 

I like that suggestion.

 

My university offers "Partner yoga" classes. You'd be surprised how much you can sweat in yoga class! That might be a good sort of thing to ask - maybe if he wants to take a class like that with you. Or take kung-fu together.

[agent1607307371]

I think that the truth is very important in relationships, but the way in which it is discussed is even more important. Sometimes it needs the tact that a drunk guy lacks.

 

Now I can stand to lose 10lbs, and I'm working on that, but my ex used to tell me to join a gym. Not all the time but he was very high on the idea. Not because he thought I needed to lose the weight, but because he enjoyed going to the gym and wanted to share that with me.

 

I never did join a gym, but I was p.o'd with him until we managed to sit down and discuss it without me being overly-sensitive and him managing to communicate clearly what he meant.

 

If your friends guy is too drunk to be tactful about her weight then he's probably too drunk to be lying about finding her beautiful.

 

Considering that he is physical, he probably has concerns for her health and wants her to share his interests.

[Daddy Bear]

i think that if one is concerned for whatever reason about someone's welfare, one should speak up regardless of the consequences.

 

outside of that, i'm thinking that the best honest answer you can give in some situations is "i'd just as soon not address that topic," or something along those lines.

[lovebites]

This is a really good question, i agree that wieght is definitely a touchy subject! ...i do the same thing with other things though, my girlfriend has this smart black soft/fluffy jacket she sometimes wears out for a meal, not often. The first time she put it on i thought it looked too broadshouldered for her (shes really slim) and looked like an older womans sort of jacket... Anyway, she said, "do you like this?", as she put it on...Now i never lie to my g/f, but i didnt like the jacket tbh, but i could tell that she did and it made her feel more 'elegant'...so despite what i thought i said 'yes'...i didnt really like that jacket at all!! BUT she DOES look absoloutely great in anything, so it wouldnt really make any difference...and i didnt want to stop her fomr wearing something she liked...anyway she wore it...and shes worn it a few times since and ive grown to like it!!

 

As far as telling your partner the truth...definitely ALWAYS with one exception...when it comes to 'looks' of sorts. Everyone is touchy about their looks, even models!! If its a garish shirt thats far too big you might say something, but othewise...always flatter. I think we should make our other half feel good...

 

Thats my personal opinion anyway!!

[annie24]

With a jacket, I think it's ok to tell the truth a bit more. You could say something like, "I like the way the green one looks on you better." But the weight isn't so easy to change in 10 seconds....

[whatsagirltodo]

It's funny you guys should mention kung-fu because my boyfriend is actually a blue belt. He's very into kung-fu and he has been going more regularly. His weight isn't an issue with me though, the truth vs. lying part is more of what stumps me. I think weight is definitly one of those things you should not always be brutally honest about...you CAN be honest, but in a different sort of way that doesn't come off as "you're fat".

 

anyway, I like the yoga idea. My boyfriend is very into yoga too, that seems like something we could do together that i never thought of! thanks!

 

As for the girl I posted about, she's not someone i really know too well, so I really have no idea how that situation is going to work out, and it doesn't really concern me anyhow, I was just curious as to what others thought about this whole "being honest" and where to draw the line.

[RayKay]

Weight is....tricky. Personally, I really believe in keeping myself in very good shape, I see a lot of people whom kind of "let themselves go" when they get in a relationship, and then wonder why their partner is less attracted to them physcially.

 

I realize there will always be things that prevent you from being in tip top shape, I don't even expect everyone to be! I certainly don't because I don't want to spend all my time working out and I like to eat ice cream sometimes too Life gets busy, but I really believe that ANYONE can fit it in, if it is important to them. Early mornings, whatever. I also believe ANYONE can learn to eat healthier, it is not easy to switch, but it can be done if you are motivated to.

 

However, I really believe in the importance of taking care of your body and mind....we are only given one, and there are enough risks against us as is. We all know that obesity and just being out of shape increase risk of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, impotence and so forth. Plus, when you are in shape you have more energy for life and your relationship. So, not only am I someone whom believes in looking good, but also feeling good.

 

 

I also know age, and illness affect your fitness and shape, even so I think you can be the best for YOU at any age. I know 70+ year olds whom can kick my butt at mountain bike races or blow by me when I am out running.

 

That all being said, it IS a sensitive issue. I have a history of eating disorders, and so I know I would be very hurt by being told I had a "weight issue". I am attracted to people whom share a similar lifestyle/healthy outlook I do, so that makes it easier to deal with things like this. Sometimes my bf does not have much time to work out for a couple weeks, and starts feeling a bit bad himself, and I encourage him to get back into it when he can without being critical of it, and if it was the other way around, I too would appreciate encouragement, or recommending we go riding together, or to the gym together, or eating healthy together. That way it is more about US, our future, than about ME. So, in that sense, I think honesty is important, but it has to be compassionate! So that being said, I would not be mad. Maybe a bit hurt since it would be a sensitive issue and I probably WOULD already be aware of it, but not mad as long as they were compassionate about it.

 

The honesty thing, well, yes, I definitely believe in honesty within a relationship. I believe in sharing and communicating with your partner. Where I believe this is restricted, is when it comes to bringing up the past (ie details of your past sexual partners, relationships, etc). I just think that tends to bring in a lot of trouble that was not necessary to begin with.

[Momene]

I think these things should be approached tactfully. Some men don't mind larger girls (like me) and some even prefer them and there's even a BBW website.

 

I think a lot of men prefer their partners to be slim so they can show them off as trophies. Well maybe I was like that 30 years ago but I love my wife as someone to be with, not to show off to self-validate.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

My boyfriend says from time to time (every fortnight or so) that I could do with gaining 10lbs.

 

This used to annoy me because when discussing various famous people/celebrities, we'd both agree that certain personalities such as Keira Knightly are very attractive, and she is definintely too thin on a medical level...then he says I'm too thin.

 

I'm certainly not as thin as she is!

 

Also, he wouldn't dream of saying "you could do with losing 10lbs" if I was overweight.

 

Double standards.

 

To answer your question, I'm not so sure that her BF should have told her to lose weight. She knows as an intelligent woman that she is overweight, ans doesn't need anyone telling her that needlessly and in a tactless way.

[nottoogreen]

whatsagirltodo, he should look into her overall satisfaction for causes...

 

1. Him getting drunk is sad. There is no need to get drunk. He has other problems and lack of discipline.

 

2. His attitude towards her. He does not respect her. Intoxicated people do not change character, they show character.

 

3. Her sexual satisfaction. Drunk men are half men at best, not to mention the effects of his lack of respect. Poor girl.

 

4. Lack of communication and reassurance. Open couples talk to each other and have an idea about their partners like and dislikes and state. Some keep it inside until the blow up. (My gf also likes to bottle up and let it out after drinking. But she learned and is better)

 

5. Lack of positive motivation. A happy relationship motivates to keep in shape. As part of a joint effort, she could work on herself.

 

To help her you could send her here to ENA.

[Momene]

My boyfriend says from time to time (every fortnight or so) that I could do with gaining 10lbs.

 

This used to annoy me because when discussing various famous people/celebrities, we'd both agree that certain personalities such as Keira Knightly are very attractive, and she is definintely too thin on a medical level...then he says I'm too thin.

 

I'm certainly not as thin as she is!

 

Also, he wouldn't dream of saying "you could do with losing 10lbs" if I was overweight.

 

Double standards.

 

To answer your question, I'm not so sure that her BF should have told her to lose weight. She knows as an intelligent woman that she is overweight, ans doesn't need anyone telling her that needlessly and in a tactless way.

 

Some people can get away with being too fat or too thin because they're very pretty. Keira Knightly is but she'd be better with a bit more to cuddle.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ah, I must be prettier! lol.

 

Wow, what a world.