Setting aside a time to experience grief?

[Baffler Meal]

This was suggested to me by a counselor and I am having a hard time with it. When I set aside a time, the time rolls around and I want to do something else.

 

For example, today I was working and really trying hard to concentrate on the task at hand. But I got a certain song stuck in my head and started crying. I almost just had to walk away from what I was doing because I considered myself a danger to myself and others in such a state. Also, I would probably screw up and just end up wasting money. But I managed to get myself together and continued on, deciding to have that feeling later.

 

When later came, I couldn't cry, even when thinkng about the song. When I cry, I shouldn't, but when I should cry, I can't. Is this the "bottling up" of emotions that is supposedly not good? Or is it just that I didn't cry later? I tend to think it is the latter, i.e., it doesn't really mean anything. I would appreciate some opinions.

 

I hope this is not a dumb question. I am new to this whole "being emotional-needing to cry" thing.

 

The song BTW, was "Maybe" by the Inkspots.

Oh, and I've updated my original thread, if anyone remembers it and is curious, it's here: link removed

 

Thanks everyone!

[bzborow1]

Well let me tell you I've been there!!!!! My EX of 5 years cheated and dumped me, was really tough in the beginning. Your councillor is giving you good advice, in my opinion. You are probably so used to the lifestyle your gf and you had over the 10 years, and that's very hard to overcome initially. Dealing with massive changes like that got me down, in addition to the rejection of being dumped and cheated on.

 

I can tell you that it is a long process, for me it's been 4 months almost and I'm just starting to feel happy and motivated again. If you give yourself time to be alone and recollect yourself then I truly think you can only learn and make yourself better for having experienced what you have.

 

That's my two cents.

 

Bill

[reborn]

Hi Baffler buddy,

This is Reborn. I hadn´t seen any postings by you lately and was wondering where you are and how you have been. Although we are perfect strangers and no nothing about eachother, most of us at enotalone are going through a very painful experience together, giving each other support and encouraging each other. So I often think about my enotalone buddies going trhough a hard time and send them prayers and good wishes. You are one of my buddies Baffler.

So glad to hear you are in therapy. Though it doesn´t do magic and the grieving work is still as hard, it does help it along. And it is also good to have someone with professional emotional skills to guide you through it.

Although my story is not quiet as hard as yours I really did love my guy and the loss of the relationship and most of all of his affection has really, really afected me. I have also felt it fit to get the support of a therapist. I´ve also been encoradge to make time for grieving. Well, it has been 4 months and this is my experience.

First of all I think you are doing great. I think that by writing in this forum and getting therapy you are doing the right things. To so many people therapy is a lot of mumbo jumbo and it takes a lot of maturity and above all courage to admit you need help and seek it. So congratulations Baffler!

Second of all, I am by nature a very emotional person. But wether you are emotional or not I think at the beginning stages it is all so overwhelming to deal with that even though you may have a set time for grieving we are not robotic and don´t work like that. Sometimes something triggers a crying spell. It comes at the worst of times, but if you can just try to let it out. Sometimes that will not be possible but it seems really hard to suppress feelings. I know it is not politcially correct, but if you can excuse yourself and go to the bathroom if you get this at work or at an inappropriate time. Carry with you eye drops to clear your eyes afterwards.

And when you feel like crap or missing her and stuff try not to suppress it or keep it. just accept the feelings, hard as they are. They are intrusive and a pain in the you know where but they seem to get magnified and linger on if we don´t let them be. Feelings are like things and people. They have a life span. they come they hit a high point and then they die away. YOu may think you are feeling the same thing all over again, but it is just a different aspect of the same situation that needs to be worked out. This is an agonizing time. We should not be controlled by our feelings, but the experience of grieving a loss is intense, more than we are confortable with. The feelings become like a demonic forces that have invaded our body and just control us. Rest of us is like a zombie the feeling seems to control us not the other way around. Feel them, purge them out and little by little you will be able to control them.

One thing that has helped me a lot is a technique one of my therapist suggested. To concentrate on the feeling. To imagine its shape, its color, its texture, its temperature, if it moves around, if it is static, where it is in my body, etc. I even drew what I was feeling one time. It sounds preety weird but it does help. Try to write all that stuff down when you feel a big heavy feeling. The crying spells... those are like a cough.

Sometimes forcing your self to feel the sadness that was naturally provoked works, sometimes it doesnt. Just don´t force anyting on your self. There is a great site however that has helped me tons in feeling my feelings.

 

I don´t know if the stuff will help you out too. Is some deep psicological stuff but they do have interesting techniques to get in touch with feelings. REad the q and A. I have tried a technique they call Active Feeling. It has helped.

Also I read from a Q and A about a person that got over their breakup preety quickly by doing this techniques. It is not a magic trik, or an easy way out, there is no way of getting around feeling the umplesentaness but

they do have techniques and exercise to get in touch with your feelings and clear them or integrate them so you can get on with your life. Also this may a good option if you want to structure your grieving periods.

Ok Baffler I have gone over the lenth here. Sorry it has been so long. Take care buddy and keep up the great work!

-Reborn