Talking to ex online every day ...

[sugarplum_pdx]

My ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. We had been together 3.5 years and living together. It ended when he suddenly decided it was over and began seeing someone from work (before we even broke up). I was severely hurt by this because he was really the only person I'd ever been in love with, first person I'd lived with, etc.

 

We never really had total "no contact." I have not seen him in person since the breakup, but we've talked online almost the whole 2 years. There were some 2-3 month periods where we didn't talk, but never completely lost touch. Now, in the last several months, we talk more than ever. Just about our daily activities, TV shows, etc.

 

We never talk about relationships but I know he has a girlfriend. I know I am still not completely over him because I still can't stand the thought of hearing about his girlfriend. It's really starting to bother me that he talks to me all the time yet we have no real friendship because there are too many tabboo subjects (i.e. anything that involves who he spends time with, who he lives with). We can't hang out or anything, because I know it would bother me to see or hear about his new gf.

 

So I guess my questions are: 1) How can I stop having feelings for him after all this time? 2) What should I do about talking to him online? 3) Why do you think he still talks to me so much if he has moved on?

[Holiday]

In my opinion, you need to accept the facts.

1) he has a girlfriend.

2) he talks to you online.

 

He is not asking you to hold out for him or giving you any hope, correct? So, you can ask him if merely likes the idea of being friends and if so, decide if that is fine for you (and if so, be happy you have remained cordial and move on and keep your eyes open). Course, it might not be OK with you and that's up to you.

 

I say, be happy he's in your life and cares about you. I think ex's make good character references and when folks have ex's that hate them, that's data, and I don't neglect it. There's a fine balance between talking to someone you once cared for and feeling involved. You have to determine what his goals are in talking with you and whether his goals and your goals are aligned. I would not shun friendship however, unless it feels unhealthy to you.

 

Pain is inevitable, but the secret to avoiding it is to accept the facts.

[friscodj]

Hey sugarplum-

 

Take the advice many of us on here have done and go strict NC with him until you are in a better place. Stop talking to him! Disappear from his life and make his life disappear from yours! It sure sounds like talking to him is delaying your healing process. Perhaps you are afraid the detachment?

 

You'll be OK...go NC all the way...

[Holiday]

PS - also 33. You're young - don't sweat it!!!

[Pikey1972]

Hello there Sugarplum,

 

Yes, I agree that cutting contact with your ex would definitely be the best thing you could do, especially as you are not comfortable talking to him about his new girlfriend and have not seen him in person since the break-up. These are both clear signs that you are not ready to be "friends".

 

I know it's very hard to let go of someone you care about - my ex boyfriend was e-mailing me virtually every day and we were meeting up once a week. He didn't want to rekindle the relationship, and wanted us to be friends. I thought I could handle friendship, but in practice realised that I couldn't (I can't handle the idea that at some point he will have another girlfriend). So I cut contact last week.

 

It's incredibly hard not to e-mail or see my ex (I've blocked his e-mail account), but at least I can now focus on myself and don't need to hear the ins-and-outs of his exploits....I do still care about him, but I need to put myself and my own interests first - as the days go by, I'm beginning to feel stronger and in control of my situation again.

 

If you feel that the e-mail contacts are hurting you, then I really would suggest that you stop e-mailing him and block his e-mail account; it'll help you to focus on yourself and look after "No. 1"...and to heal completely and move on...

[Rabican]

I think that you will never truly be over him as long as you are talking to him. That contact, little that it may be keeps some of your past feelings fresh. Its like picking a scab from that time you fell and skinned your knee. It starts to heal, and instead of leaving it be... you pick at it again.

 

You start to get over him... and then you have the reminder of what you had, what you lost, what you cant have now etc... all over again.

 

Id say dont talk to him for a while, not until you can think about your past and not be hurt by it. Once you can do that, if you think you can/ and want to be friends 'just friends' give him a shout and say hi.