Today Sucked!

[hazeleyed]

I was talking to an old friend of mine who I have known for 5 years but we lost touch for a couple of years. We are talking off and on throughout the 2 years when I left for university. Anyway last night we ended up talking and again I called him today and he ended up saying how I have changed a lot.

 

He said the confidence level has risen however, I dont laugh anymore or lighten up. He said I am letting my bad experiences win over who I really am as a person. Perhaps he is right, I have become really uptight and I am always looking at the other person with suspicions. I come home from work or anywhere at a gathring and if men approach me or anyone for that matter I automatically believe they are lying or just covering up. I know in my previous posts I have written and many of you have written that Iam just being careful. But why do I feel like I cant be happy? Nothing makes me smile anymore and its like walking on earth like a zombie.

 

Anyway why did his talk bug me? Well hes not the only one whose told me this..my other bestfriend also has mentioned it on several occasions that I just dont laugh and appear happy. I perfer being alone and by myself in my room or just taking a walk. I get frusrated fast, my anger is really bad as well..and I am always stressed out.

 

After i hung up on the phone with him I really felt stressed and unhappy...perhaps this is why I am not talking to anyone anymore because everyone seems to have a problem with who i have become. Not to mention whenever I am happy about something I have something I get upset or mad over. The happiness doesnt last very long for some reason. I have accomplished a lot within my 2 years of university...and I want to accomplish more. Its like I wasted two years on someone and now I just need to spend time with me alone...I want to close the doors of love for good and I dont even want to think of guys and being with them. I want to be a winner...I want to do something with my life...but for some reason my fears and my feelings of hurt are winning instead of me moving ahead...i am stuck in the past when i dont want to be.

[flower99]

Wow darling, it sounds like not only everyone else has a problem with who you've become, but you do to.

the one line that struck me was "Not to mention whenever I am happy about something I have somethng I get upset or mad over".

It's all about choices, You have to choice to see the good in every situation.. No matter what stage we are at in our life or what day it is. There is always something that doesn't quite go right. But look at Everything that has gone right Then Smile. Because those are reasons to smile. Or rather smile just cause you can. Laugh cause you CAN! (because you know some peole really can't) Choose to be thankful for the food you eat & the roof over your head & the friends that piss you off (cause they care). Your attitude can make you or break you.

And it sounds like you dwell on the bad & it clouds you from seeing the good.

[hazeleyed]

Dear Flower,

 

Your advice makes sense to me logically but when I go and apply it I for some reason cannot do it. Perhaps its because I have had a bad break up but I am also very tired of using that as an excuse for my unhappiness because I am infact letting it run my present.

 

I suppose I am scared of being happy and letting myself be off guard from people and things around me. I am scared of getting to know new people and letting them get to know who I am. I am scared to laugh, scared to smile...

 

I am not sure what the future holds but hopefully this dark cloud may lift someday soon...

[Mr Mister1]

I think it's something that will gradually come back to you. When a series of really bad thins happen of course you're going to be suspicious and on edge for a while. If you just gradually look for positives in situations over time you'll see that you've taken yourself a long way forward and become more happy than before.

 

Still I would have thought if you're friends cared about you they'd be trying to make you happier rather than just tell you that you've changed, surely they'd know saying something so bluntly is going to upset.

[hazeleyed]

I think it's something that will gradually come back to you. When a series of really bad thins happen of course you're going to be suspicious and on edge for a while. If you just gradually look for positives in situations over time you'll see that you've taken yourself a long way forward and become more happy than before.

 

Still I would have thought if you're friends cared about you they'd be trying to make you happier rather than just tell you that you've changed, surely they'd know saying something so bluntly is going to upset.

MrMister1,

Yeah I suppose once you have been in the bottom of the ocean so long the only was left is to go up. Hopefully that day will come to me.

 

As for the friends, well I guess everyones busy in their own lives. The world doesn't slow down when you are hurting nor does the world shed tears with you. In the world people are mostly there in happy times and fun times...one of my friends have been there through my tears but how long can I burden anyone with this? It is not fair to spoil their evenings or mornings with my pain.