re-living the break up. Did I make things worse?

[bstrong2day]

A month later, I'm replaying the night of the break-up. This may not be healthy for me. But, I think it's time that I remind myself that this actually happened. I pay great attention to detail and my memory is deep. Here goes.

 

I arrived home from work, unlocked the door, and walked into her house. When I sat down on the couch next to her to talk, she got up and moved away from me. She had been ignoring me for 3 days now, even though I was in her presense. "What is going on? It really hurts alot when you ignore me and don't talk to me. Please, please tell me what's bothering you so much?" She says "I don't want to marry you". I didn't know what to do when she said that. I explained she had just graduated a few days earlier, and that planning a wedding can be stressful, and if she wanted to put it off for a while that was fine. She went on "No, I don't want to be with you anymore". I said "what? You haven't even told me what's been bothering you. We haven't even argued about anything. Let's talk, and work this out. I've tried to get you to talk to me for the past 4 days. I said I was sorry. I told you that I would change in a heartbeat if you would only just let me know what's wrong. I know me being close to my parents has been a problem. I know you don't like my parents. I don't want to live there with them. You know I was only doing that for a couple of months while I saved money for the downpayment on my condo. I'll move in here with you." She said "No. That offer is off the table. Can you give me my key, and get out". I said "What? This isn't happening. Are you serious? I'm not giving up on us. We worked too hard for this, and are so close. You just graduated from college. I've spent the past few months right by your side, helping you study and get ready fo your boards. Think about what you are saying. We haven't even talked about what's bothering you. Why do you want to break-up?" She didn't answer, and looked stone faced as tears ran down her face. "When did you decide this?" She said "about two weeks ago". I asked "why" again. She said "I don't have to tell you why." I asked "What do you expect me to do now? You are everything to me. I've been by your side through everything. Through your trial, through the hurricane, through college, through everything. We're a great couple. Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? I moved out here to be with you two years ago. All of my friends out here have moved away, and I've spent the past few months staying in to save money for us. What do you expect me to do?" She said "Go back to your parents." I told her "I don't want to go back to my parents". I don't want to be like my parents. I want to be with you. Why are you doing this?" She didn't answer, and took her dogs for a walk and said she'd be back in 5 minutes. When she came back she asked me to leave again, and asked for her key to her place. I said that I needed to know why she was doing this. She says "I don't like you anymore". I said "What?! I know you love me. You can't tell me you don't love me, because I know you love me. Just last week you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me how much you loved me." She stood in silence for a few minutes. Then, got angry and tried to grab her key out of my hand. I pulled away. I told her that I wasn't going to give up on us, and stole a quote from the movie Rocky "You ain't ever gettin rid of me. We worked too hard just to give up like this. This is something worth fighting for." I said that I wasn't crazy. I told her I loved her more than anything, and that I couldn't live without her. I told her about how I wouldn't be able to go to work anymore. I explained that I would have to quit my job. She again asked me to leave, and told me that I was making things worse. She then said "You're gonna make me beat your f**kin a**." I said "What? How could you talk to me like that. Are you serious?" I sat down on her couch again, and began to pet her dog. By this time I had been there for about 45 minutes, and was in a complete state of shock. There we were. Both of us sitting on the couch. She then says "It's getting late. If you don't leave, I'm gonna call the cops. This is my house. I pay the bills here. Now, get out." I said "That's it. I don't know what to do. I'm going to leave, But I feel that after being together for 2 and a half years, being engaged for a year, with no history of significant arguments or dissagreements, I deserve an explanation." I gave her the key, packed my stuff, and filled up my car. When I went back into her house to get the last of my things, I asked "When am I going to see you or talk to you again". She didn't answer. I asked for a hug. She opened her arms as I gave her a hug and a kiss on the forhead. She felt lifeless I told her I loved her. I started my car and fumbled with my hands free set as I sat i the drive way. As I backed up I could here her yell "Go away".

 

That was it. That's how it went down. I know I made things worse by not leaving her place right away. But, I didn't know what else to do. I din't want to just leave and walk away. I felt safe, and got blindsided. Believe it or not, we were getting along great before we left for Las Vegas for her graduation celebration. Only after I objected to spending money at a club in Vegas, did she begin to ignore me. I didn't want to give up on us. What made it harder was that she never told me what was bothering her.

 

 

 

It's been a month now.

[annie24]

you are cute! (if that is you in the avatar)

 

Anyways... I recently heard a great analogy on here, but I don't remember the author.

 

It's like you have a checking account. there is no point in checking the balance ALL the time, every few minutes. things are still the same.

[bstrong2day]

Good point. For some reason though, I'm still trying to rationalize and make sense of everything that transpired at her house the night of the break-up. Nothing makes sense, because we were getting along great until we left for Vegas. We rarely ever fought or argued, and when we did, I was a push-over, and almost always compromised, because I respected her and wanted to make her happy. On a very rare occasion I stood my ground, and objected to paying for the club in Vegas, she began to smolder like a volcano for a few days, and then finally erupted that night. The thing is, I did give in and pay for the club in Vegas. So, I never really stood my ground anyway.

 

I didn't want to give up without fighting for something that I believed in. I believed in us!

 

It is what it is though, and I can't let myself curl up and die now, because this relationship ended. Oh, and that's me in the pic.

[lioness726]

Oh, bstrong2day. I feel you on this one. The whole "rehashing" thing. It's only been three days for me and I'm starting to do it.

 

It's normal to do this. I've been feeling like, yeah he was an * * * * * * * to me but I think my fighting with him pushed him away... Then I start to feel like the break up was my fault and that if I had not fought with him, we would be ok and the "spark" as he put it would still be there.

 

But then I think to myself, we broke up twice before this. He broke up with me over the same issue. When we broke up the second time I learned all these horrible and slightly unfaithful things he had done to me, but still I had taken him back after he said he would change. I think I knew deep down he hadn't changed (and he really wasn't doing much to show me, they were all just words).

 

Bottom line is, bstrong2day, that we can't dwell on the actual break up or what happened leading up to it. It will tear you apart. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture.

 

With me, I know the bigger picture was that while fighting with my ex soo much probably did take away the "spark", I know he really hadn't changed. He had consistantly, throughout our 3 year relationship, done a lot of things that weren't neccessarily cheating, but were things someone in a committed relationship shouldn NOT do. That behavior wasn't going to just go away after a few weeks of realizing what he had been doing. Besides, he always knew what he was doing was wrong. Everyone always does.

 

bstrong2day, that's what you need to be. Strong. The relationship is over so you should start putting efforts into yourself. Then someone who actually DOES want to be with you will come along.

 

I guess my problem is to not care what he says or thinks anymore. I shouldn't try to find out either. I should just think about myself. Only myself. I don't think I ever have been that selfish before, always thinking about him... I guess I'll have to learn.

[bstrong2day]

ugggh! Man, I need to get off this computer while I'm at work. I am having such a tough time getting through each work day.

 

Here's how I feel about her. It's pathetic but:

 

"I don't want to be here anymore. It's cold, and strange. I want to go home, to you, wherever you are, because that's where I feel safe."

 

Somehow I have got to become stronger, and climb out of the depths of "hell" that I find myself in right now. I've got to find some optimism out there somewhere. I have to rescue myself, because in the end, I'm the only person that really help me.

[annie24]

any word about the ring?

[bstrong2day]

Nope. The short letter asking for the engagement ring back was delivered to her mailbox on Friday, June 9th at 10:59AM. I have yet to hear back from her or receive the ring in the mail. I'm giving it a few more days since I know she doesn't check her mailbox every day, and it may take a few days for her to get the ring from her aunt's house (she lives 20 miles away from her) and put it in the mail.

 

This is what the letter read:

 

"I have always respected you and stuck by your side through thick and thin. When I proposed and asked you to marry me, we made a promise. The ring was a symbol of that promise. Now that times are different and that promise can no longer be kept, please send me the engagement ring back. If you put it in the mail it needs to be insured for $$$$. I'd also be willing to pick it up at your aunt's house. Just give me a time and date."

 

-Me

[JohnnyTable]

Anyways... I recently heard a great analogy on here, but I don't remember the author.

 

It's like you have a checking account. there is no point in checking the balance ALL the time, every few minutes. things are still the same.

 

I think that was me haha

[designer71]

I know what you are going through - it's been 4 weeks for me and I have been rehashing it out in my mind for days now.

 

The saddest thing in life is that for as quick as you can fall in love with someone, then can just as quickly fall out of love with you. Sometimes with no warning at all. Sometimes though, if we look deep enough into it, we can see warning signs that weren't as visible before.

 

I am sorry you are going through this....don't you wish we could all fast-forward to a year from now with our healing sometimes? I know I do!

[bstrong2day]

....don't you wish we could all fast-forward to a year from now with our healing sometimes? I know I do!

 

To be honest, no. The abundance of great memories we had together are so fresh in my mind that I can't believe this is over.

 

I realize this is a classic sign of denial. It's sad really. Truly sad.

 

I scroll up to the first post in this thread for a huge dose of reality.

 

I have to keep telling myself that my fiance has emotionally "died". It's hard to accept that she gave up and "died", yet continues on to bring others joy, laughter, and happiness. I want the best for her, and always thought that was me. I wouldn't have asked her to marry me if I didn't think that was the case. When she said yes, over a year ago, we made plans. Big plans. Now those plans are scrapped, and I am left alone, looking onto a blank canvas. Yet, I don't have a brush or any paint.

[annie24]

I think if you don't hear from her soon, have a lawyer type up a letter.

 

I really don't like the way she treated you in vegas.

 

My cousin's wife does that stuff to him. After she gave birth in the hospital to their first child, they got into an argument about something - she asked him to get something from the store, and he forgot, and apparently (i didn't see this), but she started chasing him down the hallway, with her IV attached, yelling at him that he is a piece of poop!

 

I don't like these abusive types.....

[serenity25]

Big plans. Now those plans are scrapped, and I am left alone, looking onto a blank canvas. Yet, I don't have a brush or any paint.

You never lost the brushes or the paint, you have just temporarily forgotten how to use them on your own. The plans with her may be scrapped, but think of everything else in your life that is wonderful. You are going to be a pediatrician and help children! You have such a gift. You seem to have a loving family that is there for you. You are moving into a new condo. Sounds like an opportunity for an amazing fresh start to me!

 

Just think of is as painting a far brighter, more magnificient masterpiece than ever before. What you call a blank canvas is actually your chance at reaching all your dreams.

[bstrong2day]

Here's a letter I dropped off at her front doorstep five days after the break-up. I realize now (a month later), that I blamed myself throughout the entire letter. She never responded to the letter.

 

This letter might be bad timing because I know you're at a crossroads in your life now that you just graduated, turned 25, and have a bright future ahead of you. I don't want to hold you back, but I'd still like to be part of your life.

Over the past few months I've made a bunch of mistakes that have messed things up.

First off, me being too close to my mom and dad has been a huge problem. It was wrong that I let them intrude into many decisions that we should have been making as a couple and on our own. I seemed to look to them whenever I needed to make that big decision. For example, using my dad as a realtor was a bad idea. I didn't have to buy that condo. There was a great opportunity for me to move into the house your dad bought for you so we could put money away, not be broke, and save for our future. But, I decided to be selfish and buy the condo anyway. I regret that decision because it made me broke, and I was always complaining about not having any money. It didn't help that I was also spending my money on getting my car upgradeded, $350 on sports gambling, a $300 sports jersey, and other crap I didn't need. What's even worse is when your graduation rolled around I didn't want to spend the money to get into the club in Vegas. It was suppposed to be your trip, celebrating your hard work and accomplishments. That mistake I made was unbelievably stupid and selfish. I'm sorry. I also should have been packed and ready to go from your place. Over the past few days I've had tme to think back. I remember you wanted to take me out for my birthday, but I decided to head home after work for a home cooked meal by my mom before she left for New York. By the time I met up with you I was already full, and wasn't hungry when you took me out for ice cream. It's things like this and times like these where I realize I really * * * *ed up. I'm a 27 year-old grown man and not a child. I moved out to Arizona on my own and was independent before my parents got here. I shouldn't have discussed our wedding plans with my parents. You were right. That was for you and me to decide. I know I have really pissed you off and gotten on your nerves recently. Believe me when I tell you that I have realized my mistakes and have changed for the better.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I do want you to understand where I'm at right no and how I got here.

To be honest, the past few days have been the hardest days of my life. I feel completely lost, because you were such a huge part of who I am and who I wanted to become. I planned my life around you. Stuff like this just doesn't stop. That's why I had such a tough time leaving your place the night we broke up.

I hope you can see how much this relationship means to me, and also hope that it still means something to you. I wish you would have been honest with me, and told me how you felt, instead of smoldering like a volcano that just blew up one day.

I'm not mad at you. If you really can't accept me for who I am, then I don't know what to do.

 

-Me

[annie24]

I think it was very big of you to admit how you contributed to the demise of the relationship. That is very good. It is too bad that she didn't at least acknowledge your letter.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much. You are a good man, you're going through a hard time, and you deserve someone who is supportive of you!

[bstrong2day]

I think my ex has moved on and may be in the process of getting back together with her ex from years ago. I've never met him, and he lives out of state. He's of the same race and culture (Vietnamese from New Orleans) as her, and I think she's more comfortable with that. The relationship I had with her was filled with love and happiness, although as we began heading down the path towards our marriage, there were just so many compromises we would have to make. She wasn't willing to do that, and now it is over. I feel like I'm back at square one. I see that her and her ex are on myspace together chatting, and it should be none of my business. I'm so lost and alone. I have no plans for my future. It's so hard for me to even face that she probably dropped me to get back with her ex. My heart feels like it's going to explode. I feel so guilty for not making the sacrifices to make my relationship with her work. I loved her more than anything and still do. I honestly got lazy in the relationship, and as a person with a conscence, I take responsibility for what played out. It hurts more than any pain I have ever felt in my entire life. My family and friends have had it with me moping around, and are not putting up with it anymore. I feel so lost, in a foreign place without her. I'm back at square one. I actually think I'm doing a lot worse. I want to write her to let her know how I feel, but she's moved on, and is at a different place now. She doesn't get it. No matter how passionate or strongly I feel, there is nothing I can do to make things better. I feel powerless, in a time when I have so much love to give.

[annie24]

STOP LOOKING AT HER MYSPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

NOW!!!!!!!!

 

there is someone better out there for you. you want a wife one day that will compromise, not run off with an old boyfriend, right?

[bstrong2day]

It's a horrible habit. Not getting any answers and having no contact with her has raised my curiosity. Through spending time on myspace, I was able to see what she's been up to. It's horrible when we are both on the site at the same time and she hasn't acknowledged me. How does someone that I was with for 2+ years, enagaged for a year, just drop me, and not make any contact me after the break-up? She lives 20 miles from me, still has the engagement ring, and hasn't responded to any attempt I have made to communicate. Who does that? Why would she not want to communicate with me at all? Probably because she has made up her mind and knows that if she talks to me I would try to get back together. Why can't I look ahead? Why am I stuck? I can't shake the image of my ex with another guy. It makes me want to throw up, curl up, and die. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

[Cute Band Rat]

BeStrong. I know this is hard...but it's time to "man Up". Get angry...she tossed you out like yesterdays GARBAGE, and you're willing to take the full blame for it??/ SCREW THAT. Let her go...seriously. Who needs her selfish, hoebag * * * anyway??? Like Annie said STOP LOOKING AT HER MYSPACE!!!!!!. If she even has you on her friends list anywmore, she's probably feeling sorry for you.. she knows you're pining for her. This gives HER power...so STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not meaning to be mean but you need to be more pro active and STOP blaming yourself!!!! You did EVERYTHING you could and she STILL left you. What does that tell you?????

Get out of the house and stop moping, that will NOT ever bring her back. Start living your life like she's dead..because she should be dead to you. She dumped you....

 

Start today...get off the computer, work out or somethingyou will feel TONS better. I promise!!!!

[bstrong2day]

I just got back from a very emotional counseling session. I have been advised to look into attending some co-dependency anon. meetings.

 

What the hell happened to me? I was honestly happy, healthy and prepared for my future before this break-up.

 

That's the past though. I have to find the strength to start again.

[serenity25]

I didn't know there were really co-dependency anon. meetings anywhere... that most likely would have been good for me! haha

[andrew05151]

ugggh! Man, I need to get off this computer while I'm at work. I am having such a tough time getting through each work day.

 

Here's how I feel about her. It's pathetic but:

 

"I don't want to be here anymore. It's cold, and strange. I want to go home, to you, wherever you are, because that's where I feel safe."

 

Somehow I have got to become stronger, and climb out of the depths of "hell" that I find myself in right now. I've got to find some optimism out there somewhere. I have to rescue myself, because in the end, I'm the only person that really help me.

 

I feel you there. I know exactly what you're saying, I feel the same way.

 

Your situation is really messed up, more than mine. I can't believe that a girl can do something like that...that makes me lose even more faith in women.

 

Do you get the dreams at night? Dreams of when everything was so good, so nice...? Only to wake up to realize it's not real. I sink further away every night.