I need advice

[lovelynns]

Hello. I've been dating this guy for about 2.5 years. We started off being the most passionate people I've ever met. We couldn't bare to be apart. Its slowly turned into a more comfortable zone than anything else. He is not only by bf but aslo my best friend. So this is where it gets fuzzy. He and I spend every day together - at least 5 hours. we enjoy eachothers company and we love eachother but Im not sure if love and in love are the same. I do love him and want to be with him hopefully forever - but that passion has drifted. It returns on rare occasions - but for the most part we act as best friends and then are intimate at night.

 

about a week ago we were simply going to a friends house to drink and out of nowhere I decided to ask him if he still loved me. We both had the same answer that we love eachother but its work and we're not sure if its a strong enough love to last forever. I start crying we end up going to dinner and talking instead of our previous plans.

 

I had to leave the next day to help someone move for 2 days. I returned after those two days and couldnt wait to see him. Thinking the entire weekend how I need to simply put more romantic effort into the relationship and it will be fine. - he sits me down and explains he's been thinking over the weekend about our relationship. He needs a break. He wants time to think about our differences in the relationship and see if us getting married later on is something that would be bneneficially for the both of us. I took it very well at the time - saying thats fine and we would have a date at the end of the three week break and discuss what both of us thought. (we've never had a break before by the way). Also - since we both have all the same friends we would still see eachother once in awhile but would not discuss us and just be friends. 2 days of doing this and I ended up changing my opinion of this break - I felt rejected, hurt, and in pain - all I wanted was to be in his arms. I call him and have him explain why we are doing this again and then since we both kept saying we miss eachother - i love you - and so forth - he asked me to come over and cuddle him. I go over thinking exciting the break is going to be over.

 

We made love and cried in eachothers arms - it was passionate, and perfect. I was so thankful to God. Then the next evening when I call him he explains the break is still on that was just a momentary lapse of judgement. I freak out with anger - I just made passionate love to him and yet he questions our relationship. I didnt understand.

 

I was far away at the time and had to drive 2 hours to get back home. So I chain smoke all the way and call my friend erik (who is my other very good friend and my bf housemate). He comes over and drinks with my housemate and I - we play drinking games talked about my problems and then went to bed. It was harmless. but i had a lapse of judgement while throwing up and asked my friend to sleep in the same bed as me just to be there. NOTHING happened. but I know I was in the complete wrong in asking him to do that.

 

then I wake up this morning to my boyfriend opening my door with our friend in the same bed as me. my boyfriend yells "its over!!!" slams my bedroom door then my apartment door and continues to his car. I jumped out of bed screaming his name and proceed to chase him to his car and his then drives to work.

 

I am beyond upset at this point. I drove my friend home. went back to my place and changed and then drove half an hour to his work and parked myself outside in my car next to his car. I call him probably about 8 times since he originally left. I called and cancelled all of my plans for the day and was intending on saying out front all day if I had to - so he would speak to me.

 

He came out about an hour after I arrived and we spoke. he was furious and was taking it like I had sex with him. I did no such thing. I love my boyfriend and just made a mistake. He saw this as cheating and a flaw in my character. which who knows he might be right. I apologized for everything pleeding for another chance. he was in shoke that this had happened.

 

after the loooong talk he agreed to think it over and get back to me when he is ready. I havent heard from him since. I dont have anyone to talk to - my housemate just doesnt understand because shes never been in a relationship and my other good friend is the one i made the mistake with.

 

Hes finally graduating college on saturday and it would break my heart if im not there to support him because he wont let me - just because we're in a nasty fight that might end our relationship. ahhhhh

 

anyway. Im sick with discomfort. I love this man and now more than ever realize this - i have been in a living hell since this break started and dont knwo what to do. how long do I give him space for? a week? a month? 2 months? good lord. I dont know if I can take that.

 

please any advice would be greatly appreciated

[kadvati79]

This, is a tough one. A really tough one. I think your relationship was on eggshells before the "incident".

 

I think if I were in your situation I would wait a week or so, and write a heartfelt letter explaining how you feel. Be completely honest and don't hold anything back. Write down everything in your heart. Then wait a day, reread it and be sure you haven't left anything you want to say out.

 

Ideally, hand the letter too him look him in the eyes, and make him promise to read it. Then walk away. If he won't meet, post it too him. But for your own piece of mind, its much better to give it to him in person. I would finish it by saying you would really appreciate the change to meet him to talk face-to-face, even if that is to hear that its over. Explain you want to have this conversation now that emotions have died down and if he does want to end it then it gives closure. This gives you a good peg to fight the "closure" demons that will plague you, and keep trying to send you off on a closure pilgrimage for the next few years lol...

 

Hopefully, this will re-establish contact. Really, nobody can say what will happen or what he is thinking - except him. The fact that your actions HURT him means that he definitely still had strong feelings for you.

 

But before you send a letter, GIVE HIM SPACE. A few weeks at least. Also, be prepared to hear nothing back...

[onmyownagain]

Just out of interest, what would you do if you walked in on him in the same situation?

[kadvati79]

Just out of interest, what would you do if you walked in on him in the same situation?

 

pwned!

 

good question

[need2bme]

We made love and cried in eachothers arms - it was passionate, and perfect. I was so thankful to God. Then the next evening when I call him he explains the break is still on that was just a momentary lapse of judgement. I freak out with anger - I just made passionate love to him and yet he question, ms our relationship. I didnt understand.

 

Interesting statement. My GF did the same thing, the night before our breakup. She mentioned later that she was trying to see if she could fill the hole and it did not work. I have heard that sometimes it happens, because the dumper has all the power. I also think when you realize it is finally over, that the sex makes you feel comfortable, one last time. I did the closure thing on the phone and the morning after I cried like a baby. I also wrote a letter I have yet to send. I wrote in it, some good, some great, but a lot of things I needed her to know I felt that she may done to affect our relationship. By this last breakup though, we were walking on "eggshells".

[RayKay]

Hey honey,

 

I too think it was basically on eggshells before the "incident". I think maybe for him, it was kinda of the "straw that broke the camels back" but the truth is I think he was thinking of an out before that happened. I think he had been wondering in the back of his mind for a while whether he wanted to be in this relationship anymore, though of course he did not want to hurt you, nor make a mistake in his mind.

 

You are both really young, and I think he is just not sure he is ready to say forever yet, and it IS hard to know sometimes at that age enough about yourself in the first place to know whom you could spend the rest of your life with.

 

Relationships will change over time, and go through cycles. Friendship is a very important, and strong base, passion is the icing on the cake. Sometimes when you are younger and unsure though, this is not what you are looking for, sometimes you have little comparison. Sometimes you take it for granted.

 

I would suggest you let him contact you, if he decides to. You can't force him to change his mind or come back, and it's best you work on moving your life forward. I know it hurts, but it does get better, and you will heal, and move on. Maybe he will return and want to discuss things, but I think it is best you move on as if he will not.

[lovelynns]

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. In responce to your question- what would I do if I were in the same situation. The truth is probably the same thing. I dont believe I would end a relationship due to the incident alone. however, if it was "the icing on the cake" then maybe I would end it.

 

I know him wanting serious space is justified - its just very hard to take. I know it sounds as if he has wanted to end it before. but the truth is I am the one that started the questing of the relationship. He even confirmed it that he wasnt thinking of it until I made such a big deal about us being too much in the friends zone.

 

I am giving him space. I hate it. I hate being completely alone. Im even between school breaks and part time work so I have TONS of time to think about this - another reason why this is killing me.

 

Does anyone hear think we actually have a chance or do you all think Im just the pathetic gf hanging on? I need to know if I am making this into too big of a deal or what.

 

thanks again for the help.

 

ohh. one more thing. the statement about trying to have sex to hang on. you might just be right. I would like to say thats entirly false - but in the back of my head it makes sense that I might do that if I knew he would end it.

 

who knows. Maybe during all those years of believing that love would win all battles - I missed out on the truth.

[need2bme]

Love CAN win ALL battles. It just has to be both that are willing to fight. My GF was not willing, so she chose sex to see if that could fill it. In all honesty, I started not doing the intimacy thing well, so I always ended up talking about and doing the sex thing. As much my fault as hers.

[lovelynns]

i have more info. so I go to his apartment today - I wanted to drop off his graduation present (the graduation Im not going to). My house mate went with me to go inside so if he was there I would be breaking the space issue. Well what wonderful timing - I pull up and he is walking to his car with a HOT BLONDE! I still am going insane.

 

He talked to a friend of mine and she assures me that they are old friends - which means its this girl I know about but have never met. She lives very farb away. So this means she took an airplane here and is spending time with him - omg

 

i cant stop crying. he doesnt even have the heart to tell me its over. he even skipped work i was told and went with her to walk around the city.

 

i dont think there is anything good anyone can say but please help me. its been 6 - 7 hours since I saw them and my heart wont stop pounding and I am still freaking out

[onmyownagain]

Oops. Not as bad as finding him in bed with her but I would say it puts you in the same place. Could be innocent just as you and the guy in bed was.

 

On the other hand this could have been arranged a while back and he wanted the break to be with her without guilt, who knows.

 

I think you need to assume that it is probably over for now, doesn't mean forever but for now I think you just need to accept it and go into NC.

 

Sorry if this is not what you want to here.

[lovelynns]

thank you for all the advice. I'll update you after fathers day. He and I just had a 2 hour disscussion - actually positive. we are meeting father day to talk further.

 

thanks for listening everyone. this has been a horribly lonely emotional week and all of you responding has helped me tons.

 

also - thanks for telling me things i need to know even if i might not want to know or except it. sometimes you need a third party to look at whats going on.

 

I do have one question though. how do you begin to build trust again in a relationship? is there anything specfic to do? I want him to trust me again.

[DN]

For the time being I think you have to be fairly upfront about what you are doing, who you are seeing and why. No secrets.

[lovelynns]

sadness well after most of you saying it was over and I needed to give up... he ended it. his reasoning was he didnt see himself growing with me. which doesnt make any sense. We have grown a ton. he wouldnt say it though if he didnt really mean it. he doesnt mask things to make them easier.

 

my ex wrote...

 

"Because it's going to turn into what it turned into last night. You saying why you don't understand my reasons, us both crying, and then re-hashing it all over again"

 

when I asked him to have one more conversation with me because I want to understand. I can start to move on if I understand.

 

he then says ...

 

"If you need to vent one last time, I can handle that. If you just have some things you need to say, I can handle that, too. But I'm going to tell you right now, what I can't handle is a conversation, you asking questions of me and expecting me to respond. I just don't have the emotional strength to deal with that. I'm just being honest with you right now"

 

I dont understand. he said then...

 

"I'll tell you what. Give it three weeks.

If you still feel like you need this conversation, we will have it, in person."

 

he tells me he loves me and cant stop crying and then he just says i dont think we should see eachother anymore because I dont see us growing together.

 

I have hope even though I shouldnt. Im moving on but Im still completely heart broken. I thought I was meant to be with him forever - and I still do (less though now).

 

so he now wants three weeks before speaking with me about this anymore. Do you think he could be using this time now to think about us again or do you think he is completely out of the picture and I need to stop this. its just that hes my strawberry cheesecake and I want him. I havent contacted since that conversation yesterday. and Im not going to until three weeks have passed. but what do you all think? I am moving on, but should I still think there might be a chance?

 

I love him. he wanted space and I didnt give it to him. maybe this is his space?

 

he send me this today. Now Im not great at getting the exact meanings out of artistic writing. Can someone please tell me why this helped him.

 

...

 

"Hi, i know we're not supposed to be speaking, but my mom sent this to

me and it helped, and I thought it might help you, too."

 

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which

your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how

else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the

more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the

very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute

that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

 

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it

is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When

you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in

truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of

you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow

is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together

they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember

that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like

scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are

you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to

weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow

rise or fall.

 

Love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden

among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in

him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays

waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify

you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as

he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that

quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them

in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you

unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free

you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until

you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you

may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. All these things

shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,

and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in

your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then

it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of

love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall

laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your

tears.

 

-Kahlil Gibran (he was an artist, like you)

...

 

anyone please help me understand!!!