is it me?

[kellbell]

Jewel,

 

"He just wants everything to go his way or he'll have nothing to do with it."

 

My recent ex had the same attitude. And like RayKay pointed out, it is extremely draining. You are only 2 months in and this is a problem, try 4 years of it. I would not recommend that kind of situation to anyone. And my ex was coddled by his parents as well, especially his mom. It was a disaster as far as being in a relationship with him. I see a lot of red flags already. I wish you all the best.

[jewel76]

Hi RayKay, thanks for your reply...you make alot of good points.

 

A relationship really needs compromise and mutual decision making. If it's all one persons way, well, you don't exactly feel fulfilled in the end.

 

 

I really wish I knew how to make him understand this (or even care enough to try...).

[jewel76]

Jewel,

 

"He just wants everything to go his way or he'll have nothing to do with it."

 

My recent ex had the same attitude. And like RayKay pointed out, it is extremely draining. You are only 2 months in and this is a problem, try 4 years of it. I would not recommend that kind of situation to anyone. And my ex was coddled by his parents as well, especially his mom. It was a disaster as far as being in a relationship with him. I see a lot of red flags already. I wish you all the best.

 

Thanks for this

 

Wow...4 years is a long time to put up with that. There must have been alot of good times in there, or you wouldn't have stayed so long right? Did you ever have trust issues with him?

[JustNormal]

If this is the truth then don't worry about it. When I was his age.. well, actually alot younger.. 18 I think, I got fired from a retail store for sleeping in/not getting to work on time. But it's a retail store that didn't pay enough to cover the cost of gas to get there. I didn't care.

 

In this situation, he has a job dad gave him. He really doesn't have to worry about consequences unless his father meats them out. So.. you should leave it alone. Not all jobs require you to be a 9-5 slave. Mine for instance- I haven't seen 9-5 for 10 years. Of course when you guys are home watching some crappy tv show, I'm at work till 3 am. My job is project based. His may be too, or may be it doesn't matter. Just leave the kid alone. You don't want to turn on the mommy switch in his head. Or.. maybe you do.

 

I have also dated younger women than myself- by nearly 9 years- but you have to check their maturity. If life has been extraordinarily tough for them, they typically reach a higher maturity level. They take nothing for granted. They aren't wanting to "meet new people" or whatever the * * * * it is. They are more grounded in reality. I can't deal with newbs. They suck. It sounds like you are somewhere in between. Just leave him alone and ride it out. If it ain't hurting either of you, then .. it ain't hurting either of you. I suspect it's more your pride stinging isn't it?

[kellbell]

It was there the whole time, I just ignored the signs or rationalized them. My relationship overall with him was extremely unsatisfying. I was a fool to stay as I long as I did. No. I did not have trust issues with him. Fortunately, that was not an issue but there were many many more.

[jewel76]

Just leave him alone and ride it out. If it ain't hurting either of you, then .. it ain't hurting either of you. I suspect it's more your pride stinging isn't it?

 

Pride? Yeah maybe. From my perspective though, I look at it as, nobody likes to feel like they are being bull * * * *ted. I think it's fair to say that people should - for the most part - be who they say they are and do what they say they are going to do - lay it all out on the table you know? That way there are no surprises down the road. I've always been held to that standard by others, I hold it for myself and that's just what I'm used to in a relationship. That's the main issue I have with all of this. Being that our relationship is very new, I don't feel like he's giving me a whole lot to be confident in as far as our future goes. He just seems ambivolent when it comes to anything that takes any effort on his part, and I really don't feel like he's being 100% up front with the way he handles things. I know I am dwelling on the work thing, but that is mostly becuase it is something that is constantly being talked about each day and he's always making up some story about it or trying to tell me how "hard" he working when it's just not the case from what I can tell.

 

And...I don't know if this should be posted as a new thread, but there has been a recent development as of yesterday that only adds to my insecurities about our relationship. He's now talking to an old ex-girlfriend on myspace. We had the convo that went something like this:

 

Him: oh yeah, I got in touch with some old friends from ISA (International Studies Acadamy) on myspace yesterday.

 

Me: Oh really, that's cool

 

NEXT DAY AFTER I FOUND AN EMAIL IN HIS MYSPACE SENT FOLDER TO EX GIRLFRIEND ASKING HOW SHE'S BEEN

 

Me: so you were saying yesterday that you got in touch with some old friends from school - who?

 

Him: oh, just my friends >insert nameinsert name

 

Me: Oh, that's it? No one else?

 

Him: (very defensively) NO! Why would you ask that?

 

Me: Oh, no reason. Just curious.

 

(MAYBE HE SHOULD CHECK HIS SENT FOLDER BEFORE HE TRIES TO GET AWAY WITH * * * *).

 

END OF CONVO...I WENT TO BED.

[jewel76]

btw...I do not think it is right to go through other people's mail...but we gave each other our myspace passwords and agreed that we are free to check whenever we want because niether of has anything to hide from the other one. If that is in fact the case, then why didn't he tell me that he sent his ex an email? Maybe because he thought he could get away with it? Who knows. This is exactly what I mean about laying it all out on the table. Why didn't he just tell me? The only reason I can think of that he didn't is because he has bad intentions and plans on taking it further...afterall, he told me about the other friends (one of whom was female).

[monkey1]

I don't know, after having read everyone's reponses and yours, this doesn't seem like the best relationship for you right now. As mentioned before by other posters, you can't change him unless he wants to. And it's exhausting to keep trying to get someone to act a certain way or do something they aren't motivated to do.

 

Whether he's 24, 34, 44, there are many men AND women, who are just immature. I don't think he's ready to have a mature, grown up relationship. Sounds like he's just a momma's boy who wants to be taken care of and have his way all the time which I would imagine is very frustrating.

 

Maybe you should just lay it out all on the table and tell him I love you a lot, but ...

 

If he's not willing to deal with the issues or talk to you about how to fix them, then I'd probably suggest you tell him that you can't be in a relationship like this anymore.

 

People do change, but I wouldn't wait for a couple years for them to grow up. Why do that to yourself when you're already seeing problems this early on? You'll either just try to blow it off and then you'll end up so upset and mad months from now and explode.

[kellbell]

"People do change, but I wouldn't wait for a couple years for them to grow up."

 

And some cases, people NEVER grow up. Life is too short to take that chance to see in fact he/she will grow up. I agree with Monkey1's post, 100%.

[jewel76]

True, but I also don't want to feel like I'd be throwing away something that could be very good...for him and I both. I mean, I really thouht I had found "the one" with him. He always talks about our future too and how he sees all of this working itself out over time. If only I could just "lighten up" as he thinks I need to, maybe we really could make this work.

 

Sometimes I just wonder if I am bound and detrmined to sabotage every relationship I get into by finding faults in the other person. I really don't want to be that way. But then again, these are real issues to me...

[kellbell]

"If only I could just "lighten up" as he thinks I need to, maybe we really could make this work."

 

I do not think this has anything to do with it. You two seem to be in different life stages and phases of life. Why should you be something you are not and him be something he is not to make this relationship work? You are settling. He has already proved himself untrustworthy. BIG read flag there. I think you are very focused what COULD BE and not WHAT IS. That is the trap I feel in with my ex. It did not get better, it got worse. I was putting expectations on what I wanted him to be. Someone gave me some good advice about expectations...

 

"Expectations are premeditated resentments."

 

If he is not willing to meet you half way on anything, time to rethink things.

[flower99]

This is absolutely right. My ex-boyfriend definitely had these qualities, I guess I just took them for granted and never realized how important they really are to me.

 

First let me say I TOTALLY AGREE WITH KELLBELLS ENTIRE ABOVE COMMENT.

Look at what it is, not what it could be. You said yourself you never realized how important these characteristics are to you. So take this as a lesson - learn from it and RUN. Red flags are EVERYWHERE. Don't disregard them.

If you began to think he was the right man for you, imagine how much more amazing yours will be.

[RayKay]

"If only I could just "lighten up" as he thinks I need to, maybe we really could make this work."

 

Uh huh, and how does it feel when you are told to "lighten up" and that your feelings on a situation don't really "matter" to him? My guess is...you feel pretty hurt, and that your feelings are devalued. Right?

 

Guess what, that does NOT get better. Hearing it again and again won't make it feel better, though it WILL make you feel less and less important.

 

You have NOT known him that long, do not let an early "lust" decision that he is the one cloud your judgement and have you stay in a relationship with someone whom really isn't the one. The one does not tell you to "lighten up" and invalidate your feelings when you have concerns or want to communicate about the relationship.

 

If things aren't working 2 months into it, when this is the honeymoon period, they aren't going to suddenly be better in a few months.

[jewel76]

Uh huh, and how does it feel when you are told to "lighten up" and that your feelings on a situation don't really "matter" to him? My guess is...you feel pretty hurt, and that your feelings are devalued. Right?

 

 

Yeah, it hurts quite a bit actually. Makes me feel like he doesn't really like me all that much even though he tells me he loves me. I guess it just doesn't make sense to me.

 

He actually told me the other night that sometimes he thinks to himself..."What did I get myself into..." and that he started out liking me 100% and now it's down to like 97% since I've been "giving him a hard time about stuff". God...I never realized how bad that acutally sounded until writing it down just now.

 

When he says stuff like that though, I figure he just doesn't realize how he's coming accross or making me feel because of his age/lack of maturity (even though I know I shouldn't make excuses for him). And I know how incredibly sweet he can be when he wants too...I just love that part of him and that is very hard to find in guys these days (so it seems...).

 

Man...this stuff is really telling - and it really hurts to think that I may have to end things with him over this. It just seems like such a waste after all the good feelings and wonderful things we've shared together (albiet in a very short time period). How could I have been so wrong about him?

[kellbell]

Jewel,

 

Do not think of it as waste, think of as more wisdom and life's lessons. You will be that much more stronger because of it and teaches you what you DO NOT want in a future relationship. It is all about perspective my friend.

 

(((hugs)))

[RayKay]

It's crazy how much one of my ex's sounds like this guy. Mine also told me I was about 95% "perfect" on his "bell chart". Super. He also said on paper I was ideal, but there was something not meshing, blah blah blah.

 

He NEVER wanted to admit if he was wrong, he was extremely stubborn and hardheaded about anything. Heck, if he called me a *w*itch (with a b) because I asked him to I don't know...call if he was going to be late....guess whom would apologize for being so "demanding". Right, me. It's not a good cycle to get into. Over time things get worse. My ex just got cruel over time and yet I still was wondering if I was being too "sensitive". Do you know how many times I apologized for being too "sensitive" when he hurt my feelings? Guess how many times he apologized for hurting them in the first place. Let's just say...I said sorry way more than I should of had to, or was healthy. Bleh. There is very good reason he is an ex. And, he really hasn't changed since then. With anyone else he gets involved with.

 

He knows darn well how he comes accross. You don't have to be mature to know when you are being selfish.

 

 

It just seems like such a waste after all the good feelings and wonderful things we've shared together (albiet in a very short time period).

 

That's part of dating. Sometimes, people aren't all they were cracked up to be initially. But then, sometimes they are, and it's worth it. And it's worth waiting for the ones whom are whom they are, not just the ones whom are great during the "honeymoon period".

[jewel76]

My ex just got cruel over time and yet I still was wondering if I was being too "sensitive". Do you know how many times I apologized for being too "sensitive" when he hurt my feelings? Guess how many times he apologized for hurting them in the first place. Let's just say...I said sorry way more than I should of had to, or was healthy.

 

Yup - he tells me every time an issue comes up that I am being "too sensitive" - exactly the same as your ex it sounds like. Or that I bring stuff up for the sake of arguing...why would I do that? I don't like arguing with people I love. I bring stuff up because I am concerned about it being a problem for us...it only becomes an argument when he fights back instead of listening and taking what I say into consideration! Can he not see this? I guess he'd rather do ANYTHING but accept responsibilty for stuff. He couldn't possibly even consider the thought that he has done anything to cause a problem because he doesn't see it that way.

 

There has simply GOT to be a way I can communicate to him so that he understands where I am coming from and can learn from it. Afterall, I learned it somewhere along the way...why shouldn't he? I mean, we're not born with this knowledge. I had an ex who taught me all kinds of things that I hadn't realized before I met him about taking ownership for my words and actions and being accountable, listening and being patient with people. I listened and learned from him, I'm sure "D" can do the same from me...right?

 

Ugh...I just dont' know. He just has to get rid of this "I can do no wrong" attitude.

 

I guess I really want to exhaust every option here and know that I did all I could to save this thing becuase it is very important to me. He means so much to me already and has been such a blessing in my life. I really do love him alot. This is really hard.

[JustNormal]

Hmm.. So you demand action rather than words. How odd. Just kidding. Well, sounds like this guy may not be as innocent and honest as you first submitted. He sounds like a professional bull * * * *ter in fact.

 

And you are around my age right? You know it takes 6 months before you have a clue as to what's going on. Nuts of any type can't seem to hold it together for longer than 6 months. So, you could ride it out. But it doesn't sound like you want to. And it doesn't sound like you should if it's only been a month or so. If it's like this now, and he's already "job searching" for his next gig, then you might want to consider cutting bait. You may have hit a real snag.

 

I don't like tossing out the 'dump them' thing without real cause. We need more good people together. But this isn't looking like its going to work very well- even if the ex-g/f thing was an honest friend contact. I can personally tell you that I don't keep in contact with my ex's. If I liked them I would still be with them. You might want to get nasty and talk to the ex about him Get the skinny on why they broke up and who did the breaking. It might be very enlightening. Although it's a little creepy, it may save you a good bit of time. Depends on how much time you want to waste finding out if the well is dry.

[jewel76]

Well, sounds like this guy may not be as innocent and honest as you first submitted. He sounds like a professional bull * * * *ter in fact.

 

...this is my absolute worst fear I hope it is not true.

 

And you are around my age right? You know it takes 6 months before you have a clue as to what's going on. Nuts of any type can't seem to hold it together for longer than 6 months. So, you could ride it out. But it doesn't sound like you want to.

 

Yes! Actually I do want to...I really do. I just hope that I'm not miserable in the process. I guess i can make the choice not to be. I mean, who knows, maybe it will all turn out alright afterall...you make a good point about the 6 month mark.

 

I don't like tossing out the 'dump them' thing without real cause. We need more good people together. But this isn't looking like its going to work very well- even if the ex-g/f thing was an honest friend contact. I can personally tell you that I don't keep in contact with my ex's. If I liked them I would still be with them. You might want to get nasty and talk to the ex about him Get the skinny on why they broke up and who did the breaking. It might be very enlightening. Although it's a little creepy, it may save you a good bit of time. Depends on how much time you want to waste finding out if the well is dry.

 

...very intersting idea with the ex g/f thing. Intriguing. I think I'm just going to keep my "research" on the DL for now...see what develops without playing dirty just yet.

 

definitely gives me something to ponder though...

[jewel76]

I guess it would also be fair to add that the ex gf in question was his high school sweetheart who is now married with kids...I just don't know why he feels he needs to lie to me about contacting her. From what he told me, they broke up because her parents were too "religious" or something. I guess they didn't like him because he wasn't. There is also a more recent ex who is on his friends list though...who he is perfectly open with me about. I really don't get it. Does he really think he has a chance at getting back with the hs sweetheart who's married? (He ended his email to her with..."Bye for now...) Aw, how friggin cute.

 

Ugh...boys.

[JustNormal]

He is what he is.. perhaps. And I do hope it works out for the best. As it stands now you have no data- only a few irritations which can be explained away. His answer if you confront would be something like,"I didn't want to upset you because I know how you are." That's the typical bull * * * *ter line. And it works on most women because they want to believe it. I don't know what his motivation is- but I know a guy that keeps in touch with all of his ex's is like no guy I know. I don't hang out with ... anyway. You are dating a boy, not a man. He may grow up in a few years if he isn't a professional bs'er.

 

If he is.. man, those guys irk me. You can smell it a mile away and clock them in a about 15 minutes. Here's another strategy. Not as intrusive and creepy. If you have any mature and intelligent guy friends that you can trust, you should introduce him to that friend and leave them alone for a bit. He will be able to see it in no time. You will have to leave them alone though. You can't be in the same building. If he is what you suspect the act will continue if you are in the vicinity.

 

It's a sixth sense guys have that women don't. On a side note, we also have something called gaydar that women don't have. You can actually feel it if you're a guy. Women never understand this, but again, from a mile away you can spot it even if they look like everyone else. I don't know why it is, but it is. Use it.

[jewel76]

His answer if you confront would be something like,"I didn't want to upset you because I know how you are."

 

I can SOOO see him saying that! (bad sign...)

 

If you have any mature and intelligent guy friends that you can trust, you should introduce him to that friend and leave them alone for a bit. He will be able to see it in no time. You will have to leave them alone though. You can't be in the same building. If he is what you suspect the act will continue if you are in the vicinity.

 

That is a great idea. I'm going to have to see what I can do to arrange that.

 

Great insights JustNormal...I have to say, you got me thinking a bit differently...not so much like the "victim" here. Thanks!

[JustNormal]

Everyone has choice, which means that nobody can be called a victim. The world is what YOU make it- not him. Do what it is in your power to do to make sure you don't sink your future into a losing investment. You are old enough to be aware of your surroundings and act accordingly. Don't get all emotional with this. Use your head and your heart. God didn't make people with both so they ignore one and focus on the other. You would be essentially crippling yourself to avoid reality. And good luck to the both of you. I hope I'm proven wrong about my feeling. Not enough love in the world ya know.

[jewel76]

Actually, everyone on here has helped me out tremendously with this situation already. It's so great to get everyone's perspective and read their similar experiences...I truly don't feel "alone" in this anymore. Thanks so much you guys for all the great posts - I appreciate them all so much!

 

(and please keep them coming...this is good stuff!)

[Batya33]

Sounds like you might love him - who's to say - but you definitely don't like him much or feel you have compatible values. At age 24 (I am 39) I had the same level of integrity and ethics that I have now - it was not about life experiences it was intrinsic to how I was raised and I embraced those values. At two months you likely are feeling more attachment, lust and infatuation than true love because as you can see you didn't really know him when you invited him to move in.

 

I would move on and explore in yourself why the "but I love him" takes priority over finding someone with compatible values. Remember - his priority is to get a bentley or other fancy car - imagine if you had a child with this man!