Anger and Resentment

[HardShowingAffection]

If interested, you can follow my posts here:

 

Anyways, a quick recap:

 

Had a gf for 3 years, 2 months. Things for the vast majority were good. I admit, I have screwed up, never cheated, but said some hurtful things, and did some things I shouldn't have. They are all listed in my original post.

 

Anyways, all of this anger, frustration, and resentment built up in her to the point where we got in a stupid argument, and she was done... just walked away. She said she was emotionally drained, and couldn't do it anymore. She loved me (said I was the love of her life, her first true love), but wouldn't believe me when I said I would work harder to meet her needs, as we had fallen back into the same ruts of the past.

 

She had a very hard time letting go of things in the past, and whenever I would screw up, I was sure to hear about lots of things I have done in the past... some 2 years ago.

 

Is there some point after break-up and NC that these bad feelings will reside, and she will start to focus and remember all of the positive things that we had in our relationship. All the good times, support, trips, memories?

 

I just wish that things could have ended for other reasons... things that we could not work on, or change. Instead, communication was something we could have clearly worked on and worked as a team to make this relationship awesome. I just wonder that over time, and space, if she will forgive?

 

Should I just let her go... not contact her, or will she think that I have given up on her? I have told her that I stand behind her, and still love her, and I think that with all that I have learned through reading, talking, posting, I could contribute 100% more to our relationship. I guess the ball is in her court, I just wonder what some of you think...

 

how women learn to let go of those things, how to focus on the good, and if they have come around to see hope in a future of reconciling.

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

I say let go.

 

You're shutting yourself off to too many women who could prove to be your next 3 years and 2 month gig.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I went to your other posts and I think it is absolutely necessary you let go of this girl.

 

If she forgives, if she forgets, if she believes you don't love her anymore it's NOT important, your relationship ended and unless you want to keep having contact, no matter how unhealthy, it's time to leave it all in the past.

 

Somebody else in the forum (looklikescarlett) compared her relationship to a broken mirror, I think it applies to yours too, you and your ex keep trying to put it back together but it left marks and they can't be erased.

 

You won't be giving up, you will be accepting to let go.

[HardShowingAffection]

Yes, I can see where you are coming from StolenShadow. I guess her and my minds work in two different ways. Friends and family think that we had a great relationship, and I guess that is what makes it hard. The fact that we love each other so much, and I was willing to work so hard to make things better.

 

Bottom line is that if she is not willing to move past what occurred two years ago and move on, then I will always lose, no matter what strides I take. I am seeing this, and seeing how I have grown. All I know is that the next girl is going to be one lucky one!

[stolenshadow]

I know what it's like to have people everywhere telling you to not give up on a bad relationship, it can be encouraging at first but it becomes a burden, always trying to rescue something that is already lost.

 

Indeed, you can't win if your ex is not willing to forgive, and that doesn't mean she's a bad person (neither are you for moving on), but the best you can do is accept whatever she feels is beyond your control rather than keep trying to make things work if it's beyond repair (and that does happen).

 

Of course, in your next relationship you will avoid making whatever mistakes you think you did this time, that's the point of life and learning, that when something good arrives in your life you are ready to experience it.

[HardShowingAffection]

Yes, I can totally see that. I guess part of me just wishes that you could start all over with that person. You know, it seems like in alot of the posts you read, it isn't until someone leaves, that most realize to the extent that they had been contributing negatively to the relationship.

 

You can't help but think about all the times that you have had together, the good, the bad, the love, the joy. So many times you stood with this person, through thick and thin. Laughed together, cried together.

 

To think that it is over. Then you sit and reflect, you grow after the 'split'. You look at the actions you have taken throughout the relationship, you learn, you grow. For me anyways... there were so many things that I needed to learn. Why didn't I learn them with her, instead of after the fact?

 

I still don't know why she didn't open up to me about things that truly bothered her, but I just know how different things could be. And when you look back and know how different they could be, I guess that is just frustrating.... to know that you hurt someone you loved with all your heart, and you can't make it better.

[stolenshadow]

It happens, we look back and think "If only I had known this/If I could change that now things would have worked" but it's a trap, we have to remember another person was involved too, we must use the perspective a breakup gives for something productive, for the future, not the past.

 

But I know it's just hard to move on really.

So just try to avoid being hard on yourself, you possibly did the best you could at the moment you were with your ex, by looking back you are only going to hurt yourself more, just take the good things, the lessons, forgive your ex and forgive yourself, then accept what you cannot change.

[HardShowingAffection]

Absolutely. The only reason that I have looked back on my relationship and recall the bad parts, is so that I am able to learn from them, and prevent them from happening again in the future. I was a pretty damn good boyfriend, and have a ton to offer a girl.

 

I have forgiven myself, and my ex, and that feels really good. I don't have any bad feelings for her. Since I have been reading, talking, posting so much, I guess now I almost just feel 'bad' for her, as I can see her falling into the same ruts again, while I have learned, grown, and will shine through in the next relationship.

 

I have checked my baggage on a one way flight that I will not be on! I will absolutely carry those good times with me! My whole perspective, and what I used to tell the ex, is "I cannot change the past, I can only learn from it". As well as "You have to remember the good time, and learn from the bad".

 

I guess the whole point of the post was to try and understand why some people choose to focus on the anger, resentment, bad things. I just don't understand where that is going to get you? Just seems like you are bringing yourself more pain... and that is no way to love.

[stolenshadow]

I guess the whole point of the post was to try and understand why some people choose to focus on the anger, resentment, bad things. I just don't understand where that is going to get you? Just seems like you are bringing yourself more pain... and that is no way to love.

 

I guess it's just that some people don't know how to react differently. Not everybody is up for breaking patterns or old habits, no matter how bad those are.

[backinlife]

Hi,

 

I am fighting with similar thoughts. If it means so much to them, if they love us so much, why can't they let go and forgive? My conclusion right now (and i change my opinion all the time these days) is, that you CHOOSE on or the other way. So now you ask, why would anybody choose such painful feelings. I think there are many reasons. One could be that they are just scared of selling themselves below market price, making a fool of themselves. Their friends might tell them, it s unacceptable that he is treating you that way, and she says ja, you are right, i need to walk away. Sad only that of course her friends don't know that you changed.

 

Another reason for clinging on to those feelings is that they rationalize their behaviour in the way that they want to make sure not to make any bad choices by being blindly in love. thereforeeee they decide to look at all aspects of the relationship in order to keep it objective. - and that is a good thing. Sadly it can happen fast, that all of a sudden they focus on the downsides and disregard the good sides. They think being objective means looking at the bad stuff, but they forget the good sides over it. They claim they are rational individuals, that don't want to base everything on emotion, but they fail and can't even see that they are irrational, only in the other direction.

 

In the end people make their choices according to what they think is giving them the best outcome. The factors they put in the equation, as well as the equation cannot be contested, thats theirs to decide. The problem is, I have the feeling that fear and pride are two bad ingredients to that equation, but its theirs to decide what they focus on....

 

So much from my unstructued mind.... hey, I just watched "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". i hope you have seen it, if not you need to do that as soon as possible. link removed

 

I hope you are ok, for me it is up and down right now, but its slowly getting better, the more i understand...I make an effort to think as much about myself as you, and also read a lot. My favourite still: The art of Loving by Max Frisch. I think every loss bears a chance (and if its only loosing 18 pounds in 5 weeks, that's something), and we can really learn from this. If it will be for a new partner or the old one, that doesn't matter.... it's for me.

 

Good night from Germany