Wanting to be supportive

[whatsagirltodo]

My boyfriend has depression. It has caused us a few problems here and there, but a few weeks ago he got his dosage raised. He's been doing really good. He's in much better moods lately.

 

I just want to know where I can find some reliable information on depression and being in a relationship with someone that has depression. Sometimes it has been very hard for me in our relationship, not realizing that our biggest fights were probably because of his depression. Or atleast his depression played a huge role.

 

If anyone can point me to any good reliable websites, or books, please let me know!! Thanks!!!

[heart]

Hey,

 

I have struggles with Depression for over a year and a half now,, it has been a tryinh time to say the least. I have read many books on the topic, and the best one I have ever read was called "The Noonday Demon" by Andrew Solomon. It is awesome

 

the only other things i can recommend is that you push your boyfriend to seek therapy and medication if he has not already done so.

 

The only other thing that helps is love. Depression is the flaw in love, and it is an awful thing to experience, the only thing that makes you feel better is love.... i wish you and your boyfriend all the best

[whatsagirltodo]

Is there anything online I could read? I would really appreciate all the advice I can get.

 

I just talked to my boyfriend and he was sad...I could tell by his tone of voice he was in a bad mood, but he just said he was sad and didn't want to talk about it. I've learned not to make him feel pressured into talking and i guess the best thing is to just drop it when I realize there's not going to be any cheering-him-up. So I asked if he was coming to my place later (like we talked about last night) and he said yes, we exchanged i love yous and hung up. I just feel like I want to understand this better and in turn be able to not worry so much about him. My worst fear is that he'll become unstable enough to hurt himself. I know that's unlikely, but still, it's not impossible. I just really want to understand this illness and how to cope from my end, as we really have something great together.

[JustNormal]

Do whatever you want with him, but don't have kids. That is genetic and unless you like spreading sadness accross the world forgo that option.

[Momene]

Both my wife and I have depression. We know and understand what causes it and I know that I cannot resolve all my issues in 10 seconds.

 

The key is that you are only responsible for your own behaviour and NOT for his depression. You can help but you must not let him become over-dependent on you. You can be supportive but you must not take responsibility for it.

 

It may sounds harsh but this is the voice of experience.

[whatsagirltodo]

For the record, I really don't like kids, and I'm not sure if I will ever want them anyway, lol. With that said, I just want to point out that when my boyfriend is in a "down" moment it's not that he's depending on me...he pushes me away at those times. So I try to let him be because I know nothing I say is going to help. Last night he came over and we had a good time, but there was about a half an hour where we "talked" about something that has been a conflict between us. (it wasn't a fight, just a discussion). And he has to play the blame game all the time...blaming himself for everything and just talking crap on himself. I've gotten to the point where I just listen and don't respond and that seems to work for both of us.

 

I really just wanted to find some resources to learn about his depression.

[Momene]

It's difficult to accept that sometimes people aren't right or wrong, it's just how they are.

[justme1]

lol spreading sadness accross the world

[Vacant Sadness]

I suffer from depression..i find some songs relaxing..i write lyrics, and sing, maybe a hobby would help him cope?..its just sometimes, u can't fight it..and it just envelopes u..in a little world of ur own hurt, and u wanna get out..but u kinda just give up...its like a world of despair and hopelessness. but as u know there are ways to stop it.

[whatsagirltodo]

He has tons of hobbies, he manages well. He was diagnosed at 13. Things are great between us, it's just every once in awhile (once a month or twice a month at most) he'll get at a particularly low spot, and I am learning how to support him and comfort him during that time...I just wish I understood more about the illness and what I can do that will be helpful, and the things I shouldn't do to make it worse...I know it all depends on him inparticularly, but still, a little general information never hurt. I plan on going to the library in the near future and i've been doing some research online.

[Momene]

I don't want to put you down but if he's had it since he was 13, you could have a lifetime of being supportive. Could you still cope when you're in your 40s or older?

[whatsagirltodo]

It's not that I can't cope and I don't even question if I would want to later on in life because I DO love him and it's not that his illness even gets in the way of our relationship. Just a few things here and there, but nothing that's ever lasting "damage"...

 

If I could just better understand what he's going through at the times when he's down, I think I could better understand how to comfort him. Or if I should even BE comforting him...

[Momene]

I think your intentions are very good but my wife and I have depression that has and does interfere in our relationship. The least depressed one of us always seems to be carrying the heavier load, so they get depressed. When you really need support and your partner can't give it, it's so frustrating.

 

Please make sure these issues are dealt with, especially before you have children. I'm there!