hit a wall today!..and feeling it hard.

[joyce1412]

today was a hard day to endure. the last couple of days have also been hard. i've been a little bored, and all the time alone left me with alllll the time in the world to think about my ex. it's been two months since he broke up with me.

 

i had been holding on for hope of reconciliation. i have not completely let it go yet. i did love him very much, and miss what we shared.

 

but like i said, today was a difficult day. i posted on the "getting back together" board about something crappy my ex did the other day, which confused and hurt me as i never did anything to injure him--no cheating, no bitter fights, not even since the breakup, i have completely left him alone. fellow members told me it sounded like he was over me and moving on--ouch! i have not had anyone say that to me yet, all my/our friends had been telling me he is totally going to come back to me, that it will be a matter of months before he comes crawling back. it was a harsh dose of NO SUGARCOATING!

 

a friend of mine also gave me some books today, the very last things of mine that my ex had (he gave them to a friend to give to MY friend to give to me--lame). it was like i could feel the scissors cutting the final cord right then. i have no excuses now, no reason to show up at his house looking cute to get my stuff back and show him "what he's missing." this is what i had decided the other day that i would do, since i hoped to reconcile and thought a cleverly planned, short meeting would spark something in his mind. not to be, though.

 

later, i saw on myspace a number of pictures that were taken at a house party composed of mutual friends. a party i was not invited to, probably because my ex was there, or--what i fear even more--because they don't consider me a part of the group anymore.

 

and finally, i was talking to a friend on the phone and wondered aloud what our mutual friends were saying about me, my ex, and the breakup. well, my friend told me that she DID hear people say things a few weeks after the breakup...she prefaced it by saying that in the future i ought to be careful about what i say to them. apparently, around a table of 9 or 10 people, MY FRIENDS discussed how i was "really depressed, really bad," and that i seemed like i was more "into" the relationship than my ex was. i felt so exposed to hear this, so betrayed...i like to be a very open person with my close friends, and to think that not only could i not be so open anymore, but that my vulnerability was revealed, was so hurtful. furthermore, all this was discussed after i had gone to a party with these people trying my best to be upbeat, fun, like my ex hadn't gotten me down at all. and to think, if what they said would get relayed to my ex...i would feel so pathetic.

 

i don't know whether or not this feeling will last, but for the moment, i feel spurred to act. i am sick of this breakup having a grip on my life, and sick of feeling for this boy who so foolishly let me go. i want people to think that i'm happy and moving on, and i want to feel that way, not just act it. it is hard dealing with the thousands of reminders and people that trace back to my ex, but i cannot live like this. it hurts to move on, but this wasted life is just hurting me ultimately. at least for now, i am absolutely pledging to move forward, NC all the way--COMPLETELY. i need to stop holding my breath for this reconciliation, because i'm suffocating!

 

the things that i do still have a hard time with? the imagining my ex with another woman (he doesn't have one now, but will at some point of course) and knowing that the last year and a half with this guy has no lasting meaning for my life, and that all the wonderful people and experiences that came along with him are as good as gone. try as i might, i am still overwhelmed by the velocity with which my life is changing, and where it is going.

[friscodj]

Hey joyce-

 

Wow, I have been here before. Everything. I will say you are on the right track and sound like you crossed a hurdle in that this situation seems to be breaking down your illusions about the situation and your persistence to believe in them and hold onto them. I think you are about to turn a corner. You'll still hurt, better days than others, but it will get better. It will...

 

Really stick to NC and try to disappear for a while somehow from your social circle...but in time those reminders you speak of won't bother you as much if at all...you'll become numb to everything. Do you have one really close friend you can spend this time with who isn't part of the triangle here?

 

It's like someone is punching you in the shoulder. It hurts at first but after a while you don't feel anything anymore...

[JJRadical]

I have no real advice other than to say start regrouping and expanding your social circle and buidling your own vibe...people talk about other people thats why you don't give them ammunition...save the tough stuff for the therapist or thsose you can truly trust...on an unrelated note i thought this was one of the more coherrent explanations of a problem and especially liked the line "velocity with which my life is changing."

-those who laugh

and crowd the path

and cut each other's throat

will fall like melting snow-Manowar

[friscodj]

Good point JJ. In dire times like this, be careful who you open up to...and situations like this will show you who your real friends are...

[kadvati79]

Joyce, my heart really goes out on this one. I experienced similar stuff. I am a very, very open person. I wear my heart on my sleave, and I think generally people have the utmost respect for me because there are no real secrets to how I am feeling.

 

I found this quote the other day, and I resonated with me... I wonder if (being a strong person you are), that i might offer some comfort too:

 

Live with it. You live with pleasure, don't you? Why don't you live with suffering completely? Can you live with it in the sense of not escaping from it? What takes place? Watch. The mind is very clear, sharp. It is faced with the fact. The very suffering transformed into passion is enormous. From that arises a mind that can never be hurt. Full stop. That is the secret.

-- Krishnamurti.

 

You talk of having no excuses left with which to see him, and that this is a bad thing. I can understand (believe me) that it FEELS like a bad thing... It means you are committed to a course of action that you cannot reverse, and to a destination you cannot see.

 

I imagine being trapped inside a building that was once a source of the greatest happiness and joy, but then it transforms into a nightmare, but we linger still - as if in a prison - bound by the memory of the safety and the happiness. It is this past that binds us to our prison. To step outside of this, requires faith. It requires to realise that we are not just stepping into the unknown, we are stepping into freedom.

 

When our partners leave us, they leave us in this space, yet the memories linger. The shreds of memory of the love are strong, and (in my case anyway) they bind me to an emotional prison, with me refusing to commit to stepping out because of fear, and some sort of illuision and belief that my nightmare may somehow spontaniously return to the seemingly eternal sunshine it was before.

 

It amazes me how easy it seems to resist tears and "behave" well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a cup of tea, rests an arm on your shoulder, and asks you how you are... or the sun comes out of the clouds at a particular angle... or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.

[pablovblack]

icemotoboy

 

A wonderful post, with lots of great insight. Thanks.

 

A.

[joyce1412]

thanks icemotoboy! i'll remember that quote and the analogy as well. i agree...what i am clinging to is the memory of what my relationship used to be, and how my ex used to feel about me. this is not reality anymore. reality is that he does not want me, does not want to love me. unless that front were to change, i should not want my ex back. i don't want my ex back under the circumstances of reality.

 

i felt a little despair when i had no excuses left to see him, but then my outlook changed and i saw it as freeing because i didn't need to worry about planning or manipulating anymore. because, like i said, i should only want my ex back if he pulls a complete 180, realizes how much better life is with me in it, and desperately wants me back. and should this happen, he would obviously be moved enough to contact me...it's not an enormous hoop for him to jump through, he can do this on his own without my encouragement if he feels for me enough. and i think he probably knows that my heart is open to it.

[need2bme]

I just tried to get closure tonight and have decided to attempt to reconcile. I told her that we would be together, but she does not believe me.

 

I am glad you are getting a chance to turn the corner.

 

This is all I have left to cling to and I kinda need that right now. You know, "she loves me and wants to be with me, she just doesn't know it yet".

 

The whole, "there goes my future wife" kinda thing.

[friscodj]

The whole, "there goes my future wife" kinda thing.

 

Perhaps you should think of it as, "there goes my future ex-wife" kinda thing...

 

You found out you were not right for each other before marriage, kids, mortgage, car payments, child support, visitation rights, etc. Just because you marry someone doesn't mean they are right for you or you will be together forever. You got away clean my friend...a blessing in disguise...you'll see...

[Johnathan]

I know how you feel Joyce. I don't know what else to say. Just that I know how it feels. That is all.

[iceman85]

Want to second what Johnathan said and tell you that I know how you feel and its hard you feel like you've got nothing. In reality your gonna be alright but you care for your ex so much that you put all your energy into figuring them out or how to get back with them.

 

Do NC all the way, don't look at his myspace, dont look at anything of his, completley remove any influence of his from your life. Once you do this you'll see that things get better bit by bit. I'm sorry your friends are complicating this that makes it even harder. But just stay strong and know that he's losing someone wonderful and he'll realize it one day.

[joyce1412]

haha, i don't look at his myspace, website, ANYTHING! i removed his name from my AIM buddy list. i threw away most mementos, even his house key went straight in the trash, and the ones i wanted to keep i threw in the back of my closet to look at in five years. i rearranged my room and closets, i put all digital photographs in a single folder of "old photos". those were no-brainers. those are easy for me. and the two emails i sent about my things will be the extent of my communication with him.

 

the hardest part is removing him from the back of my brain when i'm doing anything else, no matter how engaging it is, or making myself stop thinking about him when he moves to the front of my brain. i keep going over old memories--always the good ones, never the bad ones of course--and inventing new ones. and then there are the other things you can't help, like when i put on my old perfume and it reminds me of our first date, or reading a good book and imagining myself telling him about it. i still can't believe we haven't had normal contact in over two months. SO strange. somehow i was never really able to imagine not having him as a participant in my life, and not being one in his. sometimes i also wonder if NC really is the best and least emotionally difficult way to go...but for now i believe it's right.

[iceman85]

joyce i know its tough, because when songs come on the radio it reminds me of her, when i smell certain things they remind me of her, certain clothes i have remind me of good times. But the thing is you have to really make that effort to do NC to the best of your ability. Not only does it help you, but it puts you in the best position with your ex, if you continually talk with them it causes nothing but heartbreak and pain, by removing that person from your life for awhile you will heal and you wont be as bad when you are ready to contact them again.