lost in my mind

[doyle]

My GF of 2yrs broke up with me about a month ago and I can not seem to let go. I thought that everything was going good we had moved in together about six months ago. Just two days prior to the breakup we were talking about a trip that we had planned. Then two days later after we had a disagreement, I tried to make up and she said that she did not want to make up and she left and I have not see her since. We have talked on e-mail about how we were feeling and she stated that she had been thinking about leaving for a month, then described in e-mail all the things that she did not get from me. I was really confused that it was coming out like that, she stated that she has tried to tell me how she was feeling but I was not hearing her. It is so painful to have hindsight now, of all the things that I either made worse or did not hear her try to communicate to me. I have tried to have NC but it is like I want to jump out of my skin if I do not hear from her on e-mail. She has been tough on her stance and states that she is 100% certain that she made the right decision for her. however, I am having a hard-time letting go of her.

 

Her mail and stuff are still at the apartment that we shared and she is coming to get her stuff when I am on a trip. I know that it sounds dysfunctional, but there is a certain comfort knowing that her stuff is there and the e-mails come, because it creates a type of "relationship"….man I think that I am going crazy.

 

My mind is always focused on her and what she is doing. I do not seem to be able to let go of her and move on with my life. I am not sure what the fear is of letting her go out of my mind. my friends and family have been really supportive, but I get the same suggestions…either move on, let go, "there are other fish in the sea!" but I do not want another fish even after a month….

[Russo]

Hi Doyle,

 

I'm sorry for your pain, I myself was left alone 9 days ago.

 

Now I know NC is hard as hell, but it's the way to go. First and foremost, it's a way to heal yourself. A byproduct could be that she will be thinking of you going "hmm... I wonder why he hasn't contacted me? Is he over me?". She needs time alone and space to start missing you. Now, I'm not saying that that is guaranteed. But it could happen.

 

You need to focus on YOU right now. You've been hurt. And while "hope" is a noble thing you cannot depend on it. If she feels that she has made the right choice support that. Further contact will only prolong the pain. Trust me I speak from experience. I know it's rough. I've made some huge mistakes in the past nine days, don't do the same. Cut off contact. Try to get the healing started. In this way some things might happen:

 

1: you heal, becoming a stronger person ready to step forward and live life to it's fullest extent

 

2: you become "interesting" again, either for another woman or for your ex. thinking "gee, I wonder if I did the right thing"

 

you won't get that frame of mind with her if you prolong contact. You'll only assure her that you're there no matter what. She left you, she should realise what she's missing out on. In the meanwhile, you can heal yourself and become stronger. If she doesn't return and you're healed, who cares?

 

Good luck!

[doyle]

It has been a month, and i do not know if I am depressed or Grieving. I am seeing a counselor, twice a week but it does not seem like I am getting anyplace....how would you measure sucess?

 

I seemed to be paralyzed right now, because everything seems to remind me of her....even the city...

[darklich14]

Take a friend on that trip you'd planned to go on with her. Then have a bunch of fun and think about how much more fun you had with your friend than you would have had with her!

[HardShowingAffection]

Doyle, been where you have... as alot of us have. For me, my therapy was reading. Learning about myself, and all of the things that I either overlooked, or just didn't know. It has allowed me to totally look back over my relationship in a whole new light, and see things so differently.

 

I don't dwell as much on the past now, and I have been able to forgive myself for my mistakes, as well as forgive her for hers. Our mind is a powerful thing, and being able to use it constructively is key. Each day gets alot easier, although I have found it to be sooo much easier with the aid of reading.

 

Try picking up a few books. I would suggest these two to start:

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

"The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz

 

They just give you a whole new perspective on things, and will aid you along tremendously in the healing process. They aren't necessarily relationship books, but they will help you in your everyday life.

 

Relationship books ("Relationship Rescue" for example) also opened my eyes up tremendously. It made me see how my actions were contributing, and actions that I could have taken that would have changed things dramatically. I was acting the 'way I knew how', and it seemed logical to me at the time. By reading, and thus learning, I have much more knowledge and will carry that into my next relationship.

 

So the gains are two fold. First, it occupies you, and allows you to reflect on your past actions so that you learn from your mistakes, healing in the process. Second, you learn so much, and will carry that forward with you for the rest of your life, and your next relationship will be that much better, regardless of who it is with.

[doyle]

thank you for the suggestions, I feel like i am stuck on letting her go. I do not know how to focus on me yet...Did anyone feel like that?

 

The worst time for me is in the morning, I wake up thinking about her and replay the "what if's" in my head or I will play a senerio in my head and make myself do the right thing...so it is almost like a day dream. ahhhh, this is so frustrating...

[Roxari]

Doyle, most of us have been there. The waking up in the morning and wishing that you could just go back to sleep and that it is all a bad dream.

Replaying the what if's will only drive you insane. I did that myself. Even though he left the relationship for his own reasons that didn't have anything to do with anything I had done.

We miss their companionship and the way we felt when we were together. When someone becomes a part of you it is very hard to just watch them walk away and have nothing else to do with them.

However, this is the way it has to be. Everyone deals with breakups in their own way, but I agree 100% with the NC rule. Yes, there will be days that you pick up your phone 100 times and look to see if they have called or text messaged and there will be those days that you want nothing more to call them and talk or send an e-mail. This will only prolong your hurt. The converstaions could be great and you could talk about old times but as soon as you hang up that phone, the sickeness in the pit of your stomach returns and you start the whole process over again.

I wish that I had the answers just as I wish someone would have had the answers for me.

I suggest taking the advice of the people here. They have been there and done that and some are still there. What works for one may not work for the other but what could it hurt?

I wish you the best. I am 1 month post breakup and I have my days just as anyone else, but I am still here working my way through it.

[doyle]

thanks...I am one month as well to the day and it feels like time has slowed down to nothing...I swear it just seems like it happened yesterday...

 

I have a hard time coming to work now because this is where we met, and she still have friends here, it is a small office and I know that they are hanging out and i just want what they have...(the time with her)

Our apartment reminds me of her, just the emptyness that it has kills me....

 

As you can tell i do not focus that much on work that much, since i am on here all day...

 

I can tell you though it is nice to hear that i am not the only one in the world going through this at this moment...

[Roxari]

Doyle, seems we broke up on the same day.

 

You are not alone in your feelings. I know that it gets better. It takes time and time seems to be the killer when you are hurt.

 

Keep your head up and stay strong. Take a break from your office. Go out to lunch. Start reclaiming your life without her. Rearrange the furniture in your apartment, change the blinds/curtains, make it your space. Do something with the part of the closet where her things used to be. The simple things will make the biggest impact.

 

When it comes to work take it in steps. Make a to do list. You will be amazed at how accomplished you will feel when you mark something off.

 

One day at a time.

[doyle]

oh yes, mother's day and her birthday! goodtimes My sister flew in from out of town over the weekend and redecorated some of the apartment, it was nice to come home and have it look alittle different...

 

Work is going to be alittle more strange since i am her friends supervisor...see we never told anyone from work that we were dating...not even her friends...she has not worked here for 6 months, but it is still strange...I look at them and i know that they know everything that has gone on...

 

it is alittle like torture because i know that they are single and will be going out, with my ex...meeting guys...

 

I know that I seem alittle weak but this is all just overwhelming.....

[kadvati79]

Mate, I hear and feel ya. Its going to be a difficult ride - but you will get there in the end. Just post how you are feeling, continue to ry your best to be strong and push through it. Its been four months for me, and at times, sometimes I got up in the mornings quite simply only out of morbid curiosity as to how it is all going to end.

 

I actually see a kind of strength in your post, I think possibly you might be doing better than you realise. But (like me) you don't want to just be doing better, you want to know when these overwhelming feelings are going to end. There is no real answer to that, I think the feelings change as you get more used to the person not being there.

 

Good luck mate!

[doyle]

thanks for the words of encouragement... you know i would have thought that a month would be a good length of time to get over the first hurdle... but like you i am inpatient...I want to see an end.

 

she left on a trip today, I am thinking of all the goodtimes that she will be having and I am sitting here feeling like @#$@. She is the one that left me...however...as dysfuntional as it is i am not angry at her. I wish i would so i know that i moved on to another phase of grieving.

 

I think that i am the poster boy for codependence!

 

thank god for Ensure and Marlbro's!

[doyle]

i just saw a picture of her sitting on some ones desk, it was at a bachorette party, she was dancing and drink with a bunch of guys that I have never seen, i was feeling good...until i saw that picture...I want to send her an e-mail so bad right now...

 

I cant believe that i am crying at work....

[kadvati79]

I think the fact you AREN'T angry is a good thing. Well perminantly anyway. Many people would probably disagree with me, but I believe that anger is a temporary emotion that is generally an outlet for other feelings... such as love.

 

I am a big fan of Aristotle, and he had this to say on anger:

 

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way... that is not easy.

 

I thought that after a few months either we would be back together, or I would be over my ex. Neither has occurred. But I have learned, I have changed. You got left holding the candle mate, and I know it seems (right now) like you got the rough end of the stick... you actually got an amazing opportunity to really grow. I read somewhere that anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.

 

You mention she is going on a trip, and all the "good times" she will be having. Well, sure - life is about experiences. But this is ground zero for you. You are in the middle of the battlefield, the place where lessons are learned, where men are made. Its out of this kind of f**ked up turmoil that you figure out what really matters. Just think how you will feel next time you are in love. Imagine how unbelieveable it will be, when next time, the person doesn't walk all over you - and loves you unconditionally.

 

Sadness is a response to the environment around you. I feel very deeply, and its easily expressed. As they say, one cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.

[doyle]

i swear...this is the most difficult thing that i have been through....that picture about killed me.

[kadvati79]

When I was struggling with sex addiction (hmm, I still am...), I read a book about it and the guy described how he would place himself "on safe spiritual ground" as often as he could, and that it would give him the strength to deal with the moments when he wasn't.

 

He would take great steps to keep himself out of the way of his addiction, of the causing factors, of the things that made him feel down or want to act out. I apply this myself. The key is to identify triggers and try and not put yourself in the situation that you are faced with them.

 

Yeah, that picture will have hurt. I've experienced that a few times myself.

 

Mate, sometimes I just go into the toilets at a clients and bawl my eyes out. Sometimes I don't even know why. For a start I thought of it as pathetic, but then I realised, that this was me living. I am really experiencing life here, all this pain, all this suffering - this is me living life and learning lessons. Sure, it hurts like hell. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that you want to do ANYTHING just simply to take it away. But you struggle on, as best as you can. You hold onto faith that things will change. Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

 

I think you (like me) know it is going to get better, and maybe part of you simply doesn't WANT to get better, because getting better means letting go of the person you love completely. It feels so final, so sad, so hard to do. But because you know you will get better, you want it to happen NOW... without all this suffering and despiration.

 

You get through despiration, with perspiration.

[doyle]

so true on many parts this does feel like an addiction. when i feel like i can not make it with have her. It feels fatal, but i know that i will make it. I am trying NC with all of this and it is like kicking a habit.

 

I just feel so weak through all of this even looking back at all the things that i have achieved in my life, like you i was in the military, traveled put myself through college, and onto a career, etc etc... but I do not feel any stronger from that.

 

the other part of letting go is that part of me does not want to let go...that it will make it final...i am scared to let go, even though after looking at those pictures, she has let go. It makes me feel sad that she can move on so quick, it feels like it unvalidates my relationship, that all those feelings that i had were for nothing to her. I love her so much that is why i feel so hurt.

[kadvati79]

The best thing you have going for you, is your outright honesty with your feelings. That was what struck me straight away. This is a very good thing. I have said before I think a natural response in these situations is to let the emotions fall onto you like waves breaking onto a beach. Whenever you get really upset, think about that. Imagine the emotion as the waves, and imagine it just washing onto the beach. Yeah sure, it moves the sand, it is powerful, the sea is chaotic - but there is a strange sense of calm and tranquility about the whole process. And the beach is still there

 

I wrote in my main thread that being dumped in my last relationship was like living in a wonderful house, happy, protected - only for that to break and be left living in the house that is a nightmare. My ex has gone, but I continue to stay, to linger in the nightmare, because I cling to that love and those memories that I have - scared to let go because in my mind I don't see the nightmare I see what it once was. I make it my own virtual prison, bound by my memories.

 

How the hell do I even move on? Sometimes it just seems impossible. But I (like you I suspect given your background) have had to work hard for everything in my life. Nothing came easy. It was a struggle, there was disapointment, and sometimes there was just no hope. But I pushed through. I experienced. I was there. I took away the lessons.

 

Your ex is like mine, bounced back VERY quickly. But I realise that bouncing back fast is not a sign of strength, it is not an endearing quality... it is a sign that one is not connected with the world. Her new life has not invalidated your old relationship. It seems that way, because you are stuck living IN that old relationship - which is now a nightmare - when she has gone. She has moved on but I am sure she hasn't forgotten. Sometimes I need to remind myself of this with my ex. Given the things we did and experienced, and how loving I was, I can bet that I rocked his world.

 

You don't feel stronger because the emotions are washing over you and you feel it is wearing you down. But I think it is BECAUSE you have done all the things in your life, BECAUSE of all your experience, that you are making yourself FEEL. You are thick in it because you know that you have to face up to it, destroy yourself, then start rebuilding.

 

She hasn't done this and she will not. She has simply walked away and not faced it. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But honestly, every time I dumped someone I never learned a thing - and it came around to bite me in the butt.

[need2bme]

The fact that you feel comfort in her mail being there is not dysfunctional. I kept a hair I found on my clothes when I first came up here. I put it in a napkin and kept it, because it reminded me of her. Sad, isn't it? Now I don't think so. It is the only thing we have to hold on to.

 

ICETOMBOY:

I like your version of how we feel. It is ok to feel sadness and fear, as we will learn from it. Also, I thank you for the true you wrote about how much better it will be the next time. I guess I should realize that we should follow Twain's advice; "Love like you've never been hurt". I am going to try and remain cognescient of that fact and give all of me to whomeve.

 

Doyle, I cry all the time now. I had to walk out of the lab the other day to not cry in front of the "guys". I too wonder how they get over it so quickly. That is what bothers me the most. I should tell you that in my case, I was thinking about how bad she treated me before and that she cannot open up, and wanted to break up with her before. I get mad at myself for being on these boards when I should be working.

 

I will tell you that some of this belongs on our shoulders too. I can remember countless times when she went to bed and I just stayed out in the living room, watched TV and fell asleep on the couch. How can someone feel love when you act like that? I actually do not like myself very much and that was not her fault. I, you, we have to learn to like ourselves. My point is that I can look back now and know that I could have done things differently. Heck, I came up to do a job I did not want to do, in an area that I did not want to live in and let her forget about me.

 

We need to remember when we love someone. I used to listen to my sisters on the phone and they would talk and talk. I ould make little mouth movements with my hand to my GF, as they wouldn't be quiet. How inconsiderate and unloving is that of me. I don't want to be that way. I don't know why I am that way. I admitted that I had done that to my one sister and told her I was very sorry. She is the one sister who lets me call and say the same things over and over and never tells me to shut up. The very sister I would not listen to, because I did not care about what she was saying. I can change that now.

 

It is hard to change things now and I cannot believe that I will never have another chance. I did everything I could to not be intimate with her and look where it got me. I told everyone I knew about how I wanted our relationship to be and I did not try to make it that way.

 

But, ICETOMBOY said it best when he said that we can take all of what we learn, when we like ourselves and know how treat someone and give it to someone that we can really love and who will talk to us.

 

I am right there with you and I am here to tell you that I will not get things to a stressful point where it makes me make a bad decision in my relationship. I want so much to be with her too.

 

Hang in there and please keep posting. I need to read it.

[need2bme]

I gotta learn how to type.

[doyle]

icemotoboy...I read your thread and you are good man. I do not have that power yet to see the person go and have happiness for them. It sounds like your love walked and you let them go because that it what THEY wanted and not you, that is selfless on your part and I tip my hat to you.

 

this morning was really tough, I woke up sweating thinking about her and all the things that i did not do...when she was there. I am stuck having a relationship with a ghost a memory. like you need2beme, i have alot of regret of things that i did not do or say, like the night before we broke up we had a little fight it was her birthday....and i could not get of the couch to say i was sorry for the fight...we later talked on the phone and i could still not say that i was sorry...she ended up going out the next morning, left with her bag packed and that was the last that i saw of her, that was one month today....it plays in my head like this evil sitcom, everytime that it plays i have all the right answers, then snap back into reality and i feel the pain of the loss all over again...what a brutal nightmare!

 

What is strange is why do I grieve this hard when realitives have passed? they were in my life alot longer then she....but some how i have been able to handle those losses, this one I am stuck...you know alot of people say this is like a death, but it is not...because the one I love is still out there moving and breathing but has nothing to do with me.

 

I have been trying to spend more time with my family that is around here, however like most of us my childhood was dysfuntional, and not nurturing. so, now when i need them most or anyone...it is hard to find comfort. I feel like I have lost who i am...i do not know how to find that inner core again, for so long I attached myself to someone i love, that person is gone...i guess that is the danger of co-dependence....

[need2bme]

I know all too well about co-dependence. I wanted my ex to complete me (I almost typed GF). My God the pain is unbearable...

 

I put too much in her and not enough in me or us. I miss her terribly. I think of her and my hurt hurts. Nothing I said to her last night changed her mind. She said she made love to me to see if it would fill the hole and it did not. If I can ever have another relationship, I won't take one day without telling her I love her and how special she is.

 

My family too, is stuck with dysfunctionality. I think they just want me to feel better. They say things like it was not all my fault. Which no matter how true it is, I never took care of "my part".

 

My GF broke up with me on her birthday weekend. All I had to do when I was with her, was enjoy shopping on that day and spend time with her and let her know how I feel. I took a picture of her smiling that day and that is all I have left.

 

I want to try and keep NC, but I don't know if I have the strength...

 

Email me or anything, anytime ya want...I am right there with ya brother.

[Oldboy]

Aaah Doyle if only... if only... if only. How many times has that thought run in our heads. I should have said sorry, I should have squeezed her and smiled at her more often, I should have given her a bigger and more meaningful hug when she stopped what she was doing and hugged me while I was watching the TV... if only.

Isn't this the biggest regret? Isn't this the source of all pain in a breakup? The "if only"

You will have the power to see her go and be happy for her. You can love her from afar without having to let her know it. She will see it in your eyes. It WILL make you feel good.

[doyle]

Yes the should've and could've are the worse...I am a dweller and processor...I have a hard time letting go, and wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part...

 

what I find to be the hardest is that after breaking up she sent in her e-mails all the things that she was not getting in the relationship...I fought tooth and nail to say i could give her those things (because i know that i have the personal tools to do so) she then stated that she tried to tell me over the relationship period. you know, if someone is not happy, come out and say i am not getting what i want....what really hurts is to tell the person after the fact point blank and walk out and never give me a shot...i can say that i am really impressed with the fact that she has not backed down from her stance...i find myself do all this self exploring, reading, going to the therapist...but what is sad is that I still feel like i am doing it to get her back...

 

I have also gotten the e-mails that say "well good luck, you will find someone better" i kills me...at this point i can not see through the clouds...i do not want someone else!

 

someone explained to me what closure is? is it seeing them one last time or is it laying all your cards on the table (in any media)...

[need2bme]

Doyle, I thought closure was calling her, telling her how I felt and laying my cards on the table. I told her what I loved about her, why she should feel good about herself. How she made me feel good. I laid it all out there...

 

She understands, but there is a hole in her. Too little, too late I am afraid. My therapist gave me a book and she agrees, that stated not to use the word could/should, but if I "COULD" go back, I would change things, because I would remind myself what the end result would be.

 

She told me that we lost respect for each other and she has felt this way for 2 years. She should have come to me with it, but she did not. I want to hold heragain and smell her hair. I can still see that beautiful smile.

 

I have to go home and get some stuff and mail and get phone calls for jobs. I do not know how to survive this. Thanks for messaging brother...