My ex emailed me tonight, and I'm not totally sure how to respond to it.

[DCMann2]

After explicitly stating that she would not contact me until I contacted her, my ex wrote me an email tonight saying that every day that passes without contact is torture for her, and that it gets harder and harder every day for her. She desperately wants to talk to me as friends, but I don't want a friendship with her. I want a romantic relationship with her, and she knows it. She's still with Alex (the rebound), and I really don't want to be a "fall back" guy if and when their relationship crumbles. I haven't responded to the email, but I'd like to, since I want a reconciliation with her more than anything, but I'm not quite sure how to respond.

[onayrb]

You've just written your response already in your post! Read again what you wrote. I draw these two main points from it.

 

1. You do not want to be "friends"

2. The only way you want to interract with her would be in a relationship - and if that was going to happen -you would have to seriously talk about "starting again"

 

Those are the only points you need to make. Be strong, slightly aloof -funny even !- in your tone. This is a great oppurtunity to make YOU look strong. However strong you actually feel right now is another matter. she can't see that.

 

good luck.

[Emotional]

After explicitly stating that she would not contact me until I contacted her, my ex wrote me an email tonight saying that every day that passes without contact is torture for her, and that it gets harder and harder every day for her. She desperately wants to talk to me as friends, but I don't want a friendship with her. I want a romantic relationship with her, and she knows it. She's still with Alex (the rebound), and I really don't want to be a "fall back" guy if and when their relationship crumbles. I haven't responded to the email, but I'd like to, since I want a reconciliation with her more than anything, but I'm not quite sure how to respond.

 

I wouldn't respond...it would be best to not respond because

that takes away the mistery....and she is wanting to know

how your life is and wants to interfere, DONT let her! Itll just

bring you back to the same feeling as before.

 

If she has a rebound, she obviously doesn't care that much.

Now if she mentioned in her little note to you that she

wants to break up with Alex then I could understand

responding, but she hasnt mentioned it...

 

Id let it go....Keep yourself busy!

[joyce1412]

if you respond, i might at least wait a couple days until i was sure about what i wanted to say. because your first impulse is, "YES, GOD, let's talk again!" but, naturally, a couple days later you start to think, "um, how about no?" because the first thing you feel is your gut emotions, and later you get logical. so yeah, be very careful with your wording.

 

one thing i could recommend: don't reassure her. no "i've missed you so much, yes, this is torture, yes, i'll always be here for you." let her feel that misery. let her miss you. the last thing you want to give her is security, because then she'll be getting it on both sides: in this rebound relationship and from you. and that is only going to make her continue to do what she feels is working, which is staying with the guy while playing you whenever she feels like it. pull out that security blanket!

[joyce1412]

p.s. but isn't it a little nice to know that she feels the void you left? you're important to her, because you're important, period...don't forget it!

[kellbell]

Hey there DC,

 

I just read through all your threads and I am going to strongly discourage you from responding. First of all, she is 17 years old. She is very young, with a great deal of growing up to do. She cannot even vote yet. I know, she is mature for her age right? I do not think so, not according to your description of her. There is a huge difference between 17 and 21, believe me.

 

Second, there were many mistakes made in your relationship mainly with your communication style. It is okay to make mistakes. But the beauty of life is we all have the chance to learn from our mistakes and use that knowledge and wisdom in a future relationship. As far as I am concerned, my ex's do not deserve my wisdom and knowledge I have gained once the relationship is over, especially when he breaks up with me to be with someone else no less.

 

She broke up with you to be with someone else my friend. Like you mentioned, you are NOT a "fall back" guy. She is miserable because by you not contacting her, you have taken her out of her comfortzone. It is making her upset and nervous, she is no longer calling the shots. Also, there may be trouble in paradise as well which makes that even more upsetting. My advice, is to not respond, leave her be, and focus on yourself and healing from all this.

 

Hang in there and I hope you feel better soon.

[brando]

If you're not sure how to respond, then the best hing ot do is not to respond.

 

Don't get the brain working on if i do this...then she will do this.... it is a pointless battle.

 

Like Superdave reiterates, doing nothing is always the best option.

 

Take care of you, what you want and need , that which is obtainable.

[rnorth]

Remember these two words; mystery and scarcity.

 

Do you really want a reconcilliation with her? I don't think cutting it off completely is the answer, but I also want you to show to her and yourself that she no longer comes first. Be the strong independent fun person you were before you met her and that will do more to bring her back then the ultimatum of NC (my way or the highway).

 

I have some questions for you. Do you need her or want her? Are you able to go out, have fun and not have her on your mind right now?

 

If you are doubtful about either one of these questions, my suggestion is to say that you are sorry that she is having such a hard time right now but that you still need some time to work on yourself. Then dissappear for a couple more weeks. This show of strength would create such an impression on her and probably make you more empowered also. Take control of you own life!!!!

[jchan]

this is what you do: NOTHING

it's good you have her in her current position. but remember go out there and have fun. She can't have her cake and eat it too. While she's wondering what's going on, you can do whatever you want to heal yourself and to improve yourself.

 

Until she says "i want to be back with you", no need to talk to her.

[JohnnyTable]

You set a boundary that she was not to contact you. She violated this boundary which is not respecting your wishes. She is being weak and disrespectful.

 

Obviously you need to reenforce this. I can see this being done one of two ways:

 

-Don't respond

-Respond with something like "We agreed that you would not be contacting me. Please respect this agreement."

 

No need to address anything that she said, since she shouldn't have been saying it in the first place.

 

Whether or not she is being tortured or having the time of her life doesn't really matter. You are the one that matters.

[mikeca]

I agree with the nothing response...put yourself in her shoes...shes already desperate to email you so she can finally feel better have you as a friend...and if you dont reply....like it goes your starting to be missed..

[DCMann2]

I ended up writing back to her at about 3 this morning. I was very careful in my use of language to show that I wasn't hurting, and that when the time is right, contact will be reestablished. I was also careful to not accuse her of anything, because our relationship is SO fragile, and I don't want it to shatter while it's slowly being rebuilt. I feel like I did the right thing. I say let her feel this way. I felt that way for nearly a month, and now it's her turn.