scottrol882 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 did you work through the issues from your previous relationships? No, never really have. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 but after 3 years, why don't you trust that she would not hurt you? have you ever talked to a therapist about your past breakups? it might be a good time to talk to someone about what happened previously. Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 So do you think I should maintain contact with her, and just act like a good friend, no pressure as to a relationship? It's very painful to see her with someone else, and my presense is causing problems between the two of them. OK, I think 4 months removed from a 3 year relationship is too soon to be "moved on" from, especially since she was on the receiving end of the break up. I bet she thinks about you a lot and is hurting too... I don't think this new relationship is very serious...but still seeing her with someone else stings for sure... But you sound pretty hung up on giving this another shot, so what you should do is put your feelings down in a tangible form, something she can see and hold onto. Write her a letter (or email, but preferrably a handwritten letter), take a couple of days to write/re-write it so you can ideas as they come to you, edit it, and make sure it is what you really want to do. Tell her that you have been doing a lot of soul searching in your time apart. Tell her the time apart has really opened your eyes to a deeper love for her and because of this, you are sure in your intentions to make a relationship with her work and put the effort in to do so. Then say something like you hope she feels the same way, that you guys are soulmates, and if she does, to let you know. So get that to her and wait a couple weeks. If you don't hear back from her, she's gone...and you've got your answer: she is not your soulmate...can't lose either way...just don't go knocking her up to keep her around a while or anything crazy like that... As a side note, I've gotten back together with every serious girlfriend I've ever had but inevitably after a short honeymoon period after getting back together, things go back to the way they were and another break-up happens...but at least in each case I felt like "I got an answer" and leaving the idea with a relationship with that person behind easier... I think this break up was meant to be but the goal here is to get you to feel the same way...so that's why I say go for this reconciliation...to discover answers on your own... Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 I agree, I think a handwritten letter telling her all of your feelings would be a very good way to go. And in the meantime, see a therapist. are you in school? you can get free counseling on campus. if not, you can get some therapy through your health insurance? Link to comment
scottrol882 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 what are the things that you love about this woman so much? She's smart,funny,kind,honest,considerate and she adores me as much as I adore her. We get along famously. I also think that 'Love' is a funny thing. By that I mean that there is a lot to it and some times you just can't explain why you love someone so much ...... you just do. I believe when you really love someone it's not a choice ........ you just do. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 She's smart,funny,kind,honest,considerate and she adores me as much as I adore her. We get along famously. I also think that 'Love' is a funny thing. By that I mean that there is a lot to it and some times you just can't explain why you love someone so much ...... you just do. I believe when you really love someone it's not a choice ........ you just do. ok, now I will say something annoying.... .... but if you two love each other so much, why did you step away, and why is she still dating someone new? I guess I kind of understand why she is with the new guy. Afterall, you can't get your heart broken by a guy you don't really care about! It is a sort of self-protection mechanism.... Link to comment
scottrol882 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 Thanks Friscodj. I've asked a few people what they think I should do, and a few people gave the advice that I should have no contact with her. That I should see if she misses me, especially after knowing how I really feel. That if she wants the relationship again that she will contact me eventually. But I think that this is a bad idea. This new relationship happened because she though I wasn't around. She thought that I had moved on. So how could appearing to move on do any good? Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 If I were in her shoes, (and I have had an ex try to win me back....), I would most like it if he were persistent, but not annoying and overbearing. ie, show me that he changed, be sincere, show some kind of positive steps towards making the relationship work (ie, getting into therapy or offering to go to couples' counseling). but, I would also want some space and time to sort out my own feelings. My ex did #1, but not #2. He wouldn't stop calling or e-mailing me, and it just got on my nerves. It felt like he didn't care about what I wanted, he just wanted what he wanted. so, I told him to buzz off. this is just how I would react if I were in your ex's situation right now..... Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Thanks Friscodj. I've asked a few people what they think I should do, and a few people gave the advice that I should have no contact with her. That I should see if she misses me, especially after knowing how I really feel. That if she wants the relationship again that she will contact me eventually. But I think that this is a bad idea. This new relationship happened because she though I wasn't around. She thought that I had moved on. So how could appearing to move on do any good? I think advice from Internet strangers only goes so far. You seem pretty set on having another shot with her, so go do it. Not doing so might lead to a regret and will thus hinder your healing process. Again, either way, you can't lose. Either she declines, in which case, she's not right for you, or you get another shot and have some great make-up sex... Either way, you'll discover new things about life and love that you can take with you in a relationship with this chick or another down the road... Good luck... Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Oh yeah, whatever you do don't beg, plead, otherwise play games with this chick. One letter, one concise description of your feelings and intentions, and that's that...the rest is up to the universe...or God if you are the religious type... Link to comment
scottrol882 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 If I were in her shoes, (and I have had an ex try to win me back....), I would most like it if he were persistent, but not annoying and overbearing. ie, show me that he changed, be sincere, show some kind of positive steps towards making the relationship work (ie, getting into therapy or offering to go to couples' counseling). I have done all of the above (with the exception of the annoying and overbearing thing) and have even started to go to therapy. I even asked her if she would go with me and she said yes. Although, seeing how she is in a new relationship with another guy and says she is going to stay there I asked her if she would go to therapy with me for me, not for us, because for all intents and purposes there is no us right now. I felt that this was the best way to phrase it, as to not scare her off from doing the therapy thing with me. Link to comment
scottrol882 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 She knows how I feel and what I want and says that she is going to stay where she is, with this new guy. Do you think I should maintain contact with her, and just act like a good friend, no pressure as to a relationship? Somehow I feel that if I'm in her life as just a friend that she gets to have her cake and eat it to.....in a way. She said (balling her eyes out) that she misses me a lot, and misses spending time with me. So if I'm around she still gets to spend time with me, just not in the way I want her to. Link to comment
scottrol882 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 My presense is causing problems between the two of them. Do you think that I should worry about that? ............ I don't want her to get mad at me for causing problems with the new guy. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 *sigh*.... I don't know.... if you want to get her back, you have to do something. however, you can't pursue her forever. Set yourself some kind of appropriate amount of time. say... 2 months. (i don't know, just a suggestion.) And if she doesn't get back with you, close the door on the relationship forever and move on. Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 She knows how I feel and what I want and says that she is going to stay where she is, with this new guy. Do you think I should maintain contact with her, and just act like a good friend, no pressure as to a relationship? Somehow I feel that if I'm in her life as just a friend that she gets to have her cake and eat it to.....in a way. She said (balling her eyes out) that she misses me a lot, and misses spending time with me. So if I'm around she still gets to spend time with me, just not in the way I want her to. You're right on dude...she wants you to be there without being with you... Well, sorry to say, she knows how you feel and declined...there's your answer I think... I believe if you continue to pursue this, these efforts and persistence will confuse her more and will cloud her real feelings...which is that you guys are not meant to be together... If it were me, I'd tell her you love her too much to be friends with her and that you're not going to be around for her like that because it will tear you apart inside...and it will... Then disappear...disa-freaking-pear. No checking her MySpace page if she has one, spying on her through mutual friends or any other silly stuff... She made her choice in this other guy...sorry to say but that's the way love goes sometimes...now you can let her go and start getting ready for when the real love of your life and soulmate comes along.... Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 My presense is causing problems between the two of them. Do you think that I should worry about that? ............ I don't want her to get mad at me for causing problems with the new guy. Yeah, what goes around comes around. Do the classy thing and put this one to rest... Link to comment
scottrol882 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 I called her on Saturday and told her that I'd like to see her, that I needed to talk to her. When I got there I told her that I can't have any contact with her as long as he is in her life. She started balling her eyes out and said 'I'm afraid, afraid that I will never see you again' ....... and I told her again, that as long as he is around that I can't have contact with her. That it's just too painful. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 I think that was a very good move! Link to comment
scottrol882 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 That's when she told me that if things don't work out with this new guy that she would 'hunt me down' if she needed to, even if I've met someone new at that point, and try again with me..........because she loves me so much. So, do you think I should back off and see what happens? Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 That's when she told me that if things don't work out with this new guy that she would 'hunt me down' if she needed to, even if I've met someone new at that point, and try again with me..........because she loves me so much. So, back off and see what happens? that is selfish of her also. if you find someone new, she will destroy your new-found happiness, but doesn't want to break up with this guy. blah. she isn't allowed to have her cake and eat it too! Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 I called her on Saturday and told her that I'd like to see her, that I needed to talk to her. When I got there I told her that I can't have any contact with her as long as he is in her life. She started balling her eyes out and said 'I'm afraid, afraid that I will never see you again' ....... and I told her again, that as long as he is around that I can't have contact with her. That it's just too painful. Good...this is good... The only problem I see is a problem for you. You attached a clause to your disappearance...as long as she is with this other guy. That puts pressure on her, confuses her, and interferes with her relationship with this other guy. You don't want the pressure to be the reason she comes back to you, you want it to be because she really wants to. She might come back to you to avoid the option of losing you and that's not good... She has already made up her mind and this other guy being in the picture is really irrelevant to you being friends with her. If he wasn't in the picture, you wouldn't really be her "friend", you'd be trying to get back together with her as an ulterior motive... Disappear dude, it's the only way to go in this situation... Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 That's when she told me that if things don't work out with this new guy that she would 'hunt me down' if she needed to, even if I've met someone new at that point, and try again with me..........because she loves me so much. So, do you think I should back off and see what happens? No I think you should back off and stay off... By this statement above, she's obviously trying to use you. If a woman said these words to me...oh man...I don't care how much I felt for her...I'd tell her to go do something to herself that beings with an "F" and ends with a "K" I can't write on this site... If she loves you so much, she would be with you...and she's not...so her love for you is not real...that's my piece... Link to comment
BillyJean714 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 I truly respect your ex for her decisions! She seems like a decent person for not dumping the guy she's with. I think it makes perfect sense that she moved on and found someone else, because you hurt her. Imagine if she hurt you, would you easily take her back? Besides, she's in a new relationship. Respect it. You had your chance to patch things up with her when you had to, but it was already too late. Even if you guys "did" get back together, I doubt it would ever work out. If you have doubts, if you have cold feet, it means she's not "the one". You know that, so don't lie to yourself. I think you want her back, because it's just so hard to bare the fact that you're alone and single, so you want her back. You don't really want her back. You just miss the thought of having just someone you were comfortable with back into your life. No one likes feeling empty/alone inside. No one. But, it doesn't mean that you should get back with her because you finally had your "epiphany." You should'a felt it since day one! Don't kid yourself here. Just my opinion! Link to comment
scottrol882 Posted June 20, 2006 Author Share Posted June 20, 2006 For any and all that are interested, she sent the other guy packing last Thursday. We have spent many hours talking, and are actually getting married. Was going to use NC, but sooooooooo glad that I didn't. My persistence paid off BIG TIME. Thanks for every ones advice. Link to comment
scottrol882 Posted June 20, 2006 Author Share Posted June 20, 2006 NC is NOT always the best course of action. Link to comment
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