Something I wondered about NC

[Russo]

Say, you're getting dumped. The ex comes with the famous line "it's not you, it's me yaddieyadda" She leaves. She wants to initiate NC.

 

Why would somebody do that?

 

And I'm not wanting to hear the obvious stuff like: "she's met someone else"

 

More along the likes of: the dumper needs to heal too? or the dumper does not want to be confronted with your pain? Why the NC from the dumpers side? I can fully understand it from the dumpees' perspective, but why from the dumper?

 

I'm seriously interested in your opinions.

 

And no, she isn't a callous heartless scumsucking bottomdweller, although at times I wish she was.

[kellbell]

Russo,

 

I was the dumper last year. I ended a 4 year relationship. I was miserable, I was unhappy. I was not in love with him anymore, nor was I attracted. There is A LOT more to the story but you get the gist.

 

One night I told him I was not happy and I feel we should go our separate ways. Of course I cried, I was upset. I did not get any joy whatsoever in it. Nor did I want to hurt him or cause him pain. But I was in a lot of emotional pain and turmoil for MONTHS before I actually ended things. That was 6 months ago. I have not spoken to him, nor have I seen him since that night.

 

If I kept running to him, calling him, checking up on him (believe me, I wanted to, tons of times), coddle him...it would have been extremely selfish of me to do so. I would have been impairing his ability to accept what happened and move on. It would have been more my benefit to keep any contact with him. Plus, what about me? I would have never moved on with my life if I kept contacting him. I did him a huge favor by leaving him the heck alone. I left him be, to deal with the matter in his own way. Plus, I did not want to give him any false hope about a reconilliation, how cruel is that? Also, it would have given him the chance to hurt me back...believe me, I was hurting enough. I respected him to give him his space, room to breathe and to heal. And I respected myself to move on and be happy.

 

Believe me, I tried everything to make things work, to be happy but to no avail. I cannot stress enough how miserable and unhappy I was being with someone whom I was no longer in love with. He sent me flowers after we broke up, sent me an email and I found a letter he wrote in the trash. It was extremely painful and confusing and actually, I found myself a bit angry that he did those things because I felt he could not respect my feelings and wishes.

 

Russo, I know this hurts, but your ex is doing you a huge favor by leaving you alone and keeping her distance. You may not see that now but you will. I know she cares about you and thinks about you. But you need to keep your distance, to heal, and those wounds heal. The more you contact her the more the scars willl keep opening.

 

Hang in there. Things will get better, I promise.

[brando]

Great response Kell..You gave me a good viewpoint of a dumpers perspective. Honest.

 

Thanks.

[kellbell]

Thank you brando...I know the dumper is the minority here but believe me, anyone with a heart and a conscious does not get a thrill with ending a relationship. It is painful for both persons but for different reasons.

[brando]

I'm sure of it... i been on both sides, and i still believe the dumpee side is the harder of the two at least from my experience.

 

The one thing i have learned from these board shere is that, the dumpees often believe their dumper is living a life of joy and happiness after a breakup. So i do agree with you that their is pain on both sides of the dissolvement.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Russo - I would imagine it's for a few different reasons.

 

Like Kellbell said - to make it easier for all involved is one.

 

For some it may be because they don't want to be confronted with your pain, as you said.

 

For others it may be that they are just done.

 

Sorry this happened to you. Like Kellbell said so very well, she's doing you a favor and trying to make it easier for you. Hang in there.

[brando]

Russo - Like Kellbell said so very well, she's doing you a favor and trying to make it easier for you. Hang in there.

 

Are they though doing the dumpee a favor, or is it a selfish act ????

 

It appears the dumper may be getting too much credit.... just a thought.

[kellbell]

I saw it as doing my ex and I both a favor. Why would I rehash something that is over and there is no chance for reconcilliation? I was not in love with him anymore. If I kept contacting him then I would be giving him false hope, prolonging the inevitable, not giving him rights to know where he stood and move on. Plus, if I kept on running to him, checking on him and so forth, would not that be a bit...insulting? Would that be an indicaition that I felt my ex was not able to take care of himself and his feelings? I do not want any credit from anyone.

 

I have been on both sides of the fence, I have dumped and have been dumped. It is never easy for anyone, the pain is there, for different reasons of course.

[Scotcha]

I've been the dumpee more than I've been the dumper. Most often after a break up NC was just something that happened. I felt no need to contact him, be friends with him, or see how he was doing.. There really was no reason for it as the relationship wasn't really serious.

 

One time though, I did insist on NC. At first I had left the door open to friendship but really it was impossible. He did everything that everyone on the "Getting Back Together" forum will tell you NOT to do. It was stressful and annoying but mostly I saw that by letting him continue to contact me was only hurting him.

 

I would've felt cruel if I were to remain friends with him, I couldn't do that to somebody. It's been over three years and we chatted online a couple of months ago. He's happily engaged now to someone who is equally happy with him. I'd say NC was the right thing to do.

 

There was another time I dumped and started NC. Honestly it was because I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him every again. I don't know if that would be considered selfish or not but I wanted this person out of every aspect of my life and now he is.

[brando]

Well then perhaps i used the wrong word...instead of selfish, is it self preserving, or self care. I guess it doesnt matter.

 

Sorry if my choice of words offended anyone...

[kellbell]

Brando, I was not offended at all. It is hard for both persons. Everyone wants to feel validated.

[brando]

Im glad kell..

 

 

i know i could just turn this thing over and over again... getting different points..

 

good topic though, great input.

[Scotcha]

No offense taken!

 

There can be different reasons for NC on both sides. I'm sure there are some people out there who use it to be cold and heartless and if that's the case, good riddence! But I think that most often if NC is started there is a good and valid reason for it.

[Roxari]

Kellbell I enjoyed reading what you wrote. Great perspective.

 

Wish I had more to offer today.

[kellbell]

Thank you Rox.

[joyce1412]

here's a question for you.

 

my ex broke our year and a half-long relationship just under two months ago--a rather bad breakup, because unfortunately he was rather mean and cold about it although i didn't do anything significantly "wrong" to hurt the relationship. the main problem was the various difficulties of long-distance, because he's constantly traveling (he's a musician) and when we were having a SEMI-difficult patch in the relationship he broke it off. believe it or not, his last words to me were "good luck with the end of school and summer, and best of luck with life." wow. so mean. i figured we would never speak again.

 

at the time of the breakup i was somehow composed enough to ask about getting back some things of mine that are at his place. he said he'd call me next time he was in town. i said, "i don't think that's a good idea. why don't you text-message me or something?" our only contact since then has been some minor text-messaging and emailing regarding my stuff, nothing more.

 

when he got back into town, he sent me the text message and said "let me know if you want to meet up." instead i sent him a very polite email and directed him to drop the stuff off with a friend of mine. she said he looked TERRIBLE, physically and emotionally. a few other friends of his have confirmed that he's been rather miserable, especially when he's been back in town. he even had a birthday party and only five people came, two of those being his brothers.

 

he was so cold in the breakup that i felt he would only be hurtful and detached if i saw/talked to him. but now i wonder, do you think he's keeping away because he wants to, or because he thinks that's what i want?

[kellbell]

Sorry if I am highjacking your thread Russo...you can tell me to stop...LOL

 

But I can say when I broke up with my ex, I have never felt so horrible in my life. Physically, I was a mess, my body really hated me for all the stress I put it through. My joints hurt bad, I could not relax, could not sleep, had chest pains, just flat out felt like I was hit by a truck. I was hurting inside because I was out of that comfortzone, everything I had was gone. I was plagued by sentiment, all of my things are packed in boxes in my parents' basement. But I was miserable in the relationship. So, try not to get in the line of thinking, "oh my ex looks miserable, he/she wants me back." That is not the case all the time. I was miserable and felt miserable because I was hurting, I hurt him, I lost my old life. But it was the best thing I have ever done because it lead me to my new guy. I deserve to be happy (and I truly am) and my ex deserves to be with someone whom loves him completely and truly, that girl was not me.

 

Depending on the kind of person your ex is Joyce, I suspect the NC was for both of you. It is what he wants and feels it is best for you as well. I know it stinks to have choices taken away from you but you cannot force a person to love you, it is either there or it is not. No point in stringing a person along and being miserable in the meantime.

[joyce1412]

Depending on the kind of person your ex is Joyce, I suspect the NC was for both of you. It is what he wants and feels it is best for you as well. I know it stinks to have choices taken away from you but you cannot force a person to love you, it is either there or it is not. No point in stringing a person along and being miserable in the meantime.

 

thank you for responding.

 

yeah, i think i need to ponder that for a while. it's SO hard for me to understand because i've only broken up with someone when i simply wasn't in love, had never been in love with the guy. it was a short, distant relationship. i think i was probably genuinely upset about it for two, maybe three days.

 

so yeah, it's hard for me to accept, because i know i'm a great girl for him. i also feel like, who the hell else is he going to find? he's never home, will probably not be home for a significant stretch for a very long time. who exactly does he think he will meet and have time to establish a relationship with? he's not exactly getting any younger. and i was pretty darn supportive. not a lot of girls will say, "oh honey, it's okay if you're gone on valentine's day!"

 

plus, our mutual friends are probably doing me a disservice by telling me, "oh man, is he going to regret losing you!" "in six months, he'll be crawling back!" do i want to believe all that? OF COURSE! i think i'm a great girlfriend, a great girl, and i can't fathom why he wanted me to get lost. i am having a very, VERY hard time accepting that we are truly over, and that we may not ever be in each other's lives again.

 

sigh. bad day? hell yes.

[Leigh]

Just wondering...why does the dumper initiate NC when they are STILL in love with the dumpee? My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago and I have had very LC since moving out...I called him after a week of NC to let him know I was okay (had just driven accross the country) and had been very upbeat and friendly...kept the convo short (under 2 minutes) and told him to give me a call so we could get caught up. He sounded genuinely happy to hear from me...why didn't he call me back? I was the one that initiated the break up to sort myself out, but at the last I had asked that it only be a break, but he forced it through to completely breaking up. Since then he's expressed to me that he's struggling with mixed emotions about the whole thing, but that he feels that I need to make some changes without thinking that he'll be there in the end... His not calling me back has me very hurt because I have not been initiating relationship talk with him since the break up - and have only been behaving upbeat like I'm moving on for the LC we've had since.

 

Why the need to cut me out of his life? The week I left he told me that he loved me more than anything in this world - but he knew I was unhappy (had unresolved issues from previous abusive relationship) and decided to let me go. I would love any insight you could give me... I'm hurting so much right now and will not put myself out again to contact him in any way. Is there any hope? So sorry to hijack your thread... why NC when he still loves me?