Was it a good move?

[yy99]

Hi!!

 

I want to ask before I over-react...

 

Sorry it's a bit long..

 

My girlfriend had told me about her best friend, he is a guy and he has been liking her ever since they met. They know each other for 2 years. He has been there for her and he knows everything about her.

 

They work together so they see each other. I told her before if you don't think of him more than just friends, you should let him go and so he can feel better and move on. He will come back if he can be just friends.

 

Last night I asked her about him, just to see how things are since they work together. she said he makes her happy and she can feel how much he likes her. She said she usually can't feel how much a person likes her.

I told her that's good, and I am happy that he makes her happy. She told me more about him, and I can see how much this guy really likes her. I wanted to be supportive so I told her he is really nice and I trust him. She said she doesn't want to loose him and I told her she won't.

 

I myself really not comfortable with them being so close since I know the guy doesn't treat it as a friendship. But at same time I don't want to take away her friend.

 

Did I do the right thing, being supportive? Or I should tell her how I really feel?

[eyeswideopen]

Tell her how you really feel but don't make any demands or ultimatums.. just express how uncomfortable you are with him because you know how he really feels. Being open and honest with her is one of, if not the, most important part of a relationship. And most importantly, don't expect a great reaction from what you discuss with her. Just get it on the table though and see what happens.

[Momene]

You're dead right that there's a fine line between trying to control her and encouraging her to be friendly enough to give him hope. It's a high probability that he is friendzoned, as long as you're together and she's happy.

 

The problem is that if/when your relationship hits the odd problem, he'll be hanging round like a vulture waiting for a chance to move in. This may or may not tempt her.

 

Have you any gorgeous female friends you can fix him up with?

[renaissancewoman101]

It is good that you are supportive of her having a guy friend. Most guys would not be so supportive and would be jealous as hell about a woman having a guy friend. My best friend is a gay guy and he was also my first ex. My current ex could not handle us being good friends and that eventually did in my relationship with my current ex. Just as long as she isnt crossing the line of being friends and into other things, then things should be ok. Does it sound like he is waiting around for more, hoping that things dont work out between you and your gf? Does it seem like your gf is keeping him around in case you guys dont work out? If that is the case, then maybe you should talk to your gf and tell her your concerns. I do worry that whenever a bump might come up in your relationship, she would be more apt to run to him for comfort as a friend vs working out the problem with you. I know I did that. When problems began to pop up in my relationship, I ran to my best friend to tell him about it and ask him for advice, vs working it out with my ex (then current bf).

[yy99]

Haha.. I do have a friend I can introduce him to. Should I ask her what she thinks for me to hook him up? I doubt he may be interested though since he is crazy about her.

 

I am in a little disadvantage since i know there is someone waiting for the opportunity for our relationship to have a problem. So feels like I have to constantly make sure she is happy even if I am not sometimes..

 

But I will tell her that I'm a little uncomfortable with him since I know how he feels. Would it be ok if I also say to her that I do trust him as a friend, but just don't give any wrong ideas since it may damage the friendship or something more?

 

Thanks!!

[eyeswideopen]

I'm not trying to make you paranoid but if he really does sweat her like you say he does and keeps close to her, I wouldn't trust him at all. He's a guy and most guys think the same. If the opportunity arises, he will most likely take it. I'm going back to my original advice here. Explain how you feel about it, how you respect friendships, but you're starting to get uncomfortable with the situation because of how he really feels about her. Does she know he feels that way? Are you just guessing he feels for her that way?

[yy99]

Thanks renaissancewoman101. I don't mind her having guy friends, i think it's good to keep ur friends, helps out the relationship too.

 

I am uncomfortable with him since I do think he is just waiting and waiting.. he did wait for 2 years, and he hasn't giving up yet. He offered to take her to work and stuff, even though she drives and going opposite way. I told her if u need to be picked up and dropped off, he will have to line up to do that for her. Just little things like that..

[onmyownagain]

I think I would tell her to stay away from him, if that doesn't work a smack in the mouth for him might help!

 

He is actively trying to take your woman from you and you are just standing back and letting him.

[yy99]

Thanks eyes! I will tell her how I feel. She knows how he feels very well. As he confessed twice. But yet she still keeps him around. Ofcourse he just gets sucked in more and more. She said she doesn't want to loose him, since he has been there for her. And I told her already that she has to let him go so he can better off. Should I tell her again?

[renaissancewoman101]

I do understand the point she is coming from. She doesnt want to lose her best friend because he has always been there for her and he has been the rock that she can lean on when times get bad. In a way, he is her safety blanket and I understand that. My best friend (the gay guy) is also my safety blanket and I lean on him, esp when I am not sure if a relationship is going to work out or something of that nature. I have been burned a few times in the past, sometimes badly, and so I have a hard time trusting guys. Although my best friend did burn me in the past (I dated him for over 3 years before he came out and told me that he had gay feelings), he has been there for me in a lot of my personal situations and I trust him. He has proven himself to me and it is hard to get rid of a friend (guy or girl) who has proven themselves to you because in this day and age, it is hard to find friends like that.

 

Talk to your gf, tell her how you feel about her friendship with this guy. Dont tell her coming from a point of jealousy. If you sound jealous of this guy, your gf will not like that because she trusts him as a friend. Let her know that you love and care for her and that you are hurt by her actions. Let her know that you want her to trust you and to confide in you because you love and care for her. Dont threaten her friendship with this guy. Just tell her that you care about her and want to be a part of her life because you are dating her.

[Momene]

I have to say I've hung around girls who were attached, hoping that they might get ditched or vice-versa and I've also been on the receiving end when one of my friends got too close to my ex wife (although in retrospect she would have probably left sooner or later anyway).

 

I'm not proud of it and now I'm wiser, wouldn't do it again.

[yy99]

Thanks momene, renaissancewoman101. I will try to talk to her.. I understand it's hard to let go of her best friend, it will feel like a breakup. And also they work together, so it's not too easy..

 

Haha onmyown... I do wish I can make them dissappear, I am definitely not happy what he is doing right now. I can see he is very actively trying to get her, but she thinks he is just being really nice. It's kinda obvious what he is up to, but she just can't see it.

 

Yeah, he is like a safety blanket. If it doesn't work out with me, she always has him to fall back on. Would this make her take me and him for granted?

 

I hope the way I am feeling is reasonable...

[Momene]

She may also be flattered by the attention, in which case she's being unfair to him as well as you.

 

I'm surprised she can't see it or she's lying.

[renaissancewoman101]

YY99, yes he is a safety blanket for her and that might compel her not to put her all into the relationship. I have that problem. I am afraid to trust people and put my all into relationships (in terms of opening up my heart). I am honest to people and when I like someone, I do fall for the person and try hard to make the relationship work out, but I do always keep one part of me back, my heart. I have been heartbroken a few times in my life and consequently, I hang onto my best friend as my safety blanket because he has been a big part of my life and I do trust him with my heart. Sometimes, I feel that in order for me to actually have a genuine relationship with a guy and trust the guy with my heart, I am going to have to take the jump and let my best friend go.

[yy99]

Yeah, I had a hard time believe she can't see it.

She does really care about him though.

 

Now I am beginning to feel I should just let it go. I do appreciate the way he treats her and glad he makes her happy.

 

Should I ask her what she wants first? Like having me as a bf, but keeping him as a best friend even though we all know what he is thinking?

[yy99]

renaissancewoman101,

I have been thinking exactly what you said. She is being very careful to trust me and put all into the relationship. I guess knowing she has a safety blanket doesn't help the issue.

Would time be the best solution?