The complications that are interrupting my healing process :(

[lvlyldy]

I am just so annoyed and confused right now. My bf and I broke up almost 3 months ago now. We've been NC about 17 days now, and its starting to drive me nuts. I was okay a few days ago, but suddenly all the missing I wasnt doing came back and hit me. And the reason why is what's annoying me.

 

After the break up, I began talking to many of my old friends I had lost touch with. One included a guy friend of mine, that I once had a semi LDR with 3 years back. I whined to him, I cried to him, and he was very supportive. He was always a sweet guy, and went on to say things like if he were single he'd want to date me and my ex is a fool etc etc. Well, 2 days ago his gf dumped him for the second time. He's angry and annoyed, but not as much of a mess this time around. Instead, he has turned his focus on me, and has continued to flirt with me and has asked whether we could go out on a date. I know whether he's showing it or not he's hurting, and I know I am for sure no where near over my ex. I still love my ex very much and would do anything in the world to be with him.

 

At first, I didnt want to hurt this guy friend's feelings, so I didnt really respond. He continued to flirt with me, and at times I have to admit I enjoyed it because I feel so lonely and unwanted. However, I know deep down inside it would never work (it would still be long distance, we're both on the rebound, I havent thought of him "that way" in a long time). Its just he doenst seem to get it. Ive tried to be very clear with him, even telling him that IF I were to agree to go out on a date with him (he is planning to come up to my city to see me at some point this summer- i had originally asked him up as a friend awhile back) I wasnt over my ex, and IF anything happened between us Id have to honestly say id drop him in a second. It hasnt worked yet, he still says things that are very flattering to me, and tells me he wnats more than anything to date me... just to see what it would be like.

 

Im angry, im confused, im annoyed... I dont want this. I dont like anyone right now, I only love my ex. I know I should be able to move on and I shouldnt keep myself from letting go, but dating my friend isnt the answer right? I feel stuck, he has taken my invitation up as a friend, and has pretty much proposed that when he sees me it will be our "one innocent and fun date", and we can see if anythign happens from there. He keeps pushing and putting pressure on me, and I dont want it. I want my ex back, and I feel so guilty at this point to even have this happen to me.

 

I know I need to heal, but I need time. I have started moving on, but I havent let go- deep down inside I know I still want my ex and no one else. I feel stuck, I cant stop loving my ex but I dont want to be lonely and sad anymore. What do I do? Why cant my ex just call me and tell me he wants to work things out? Should I just go out with my friend anyway and screw how I feel the consequences just to get the "letting go" over with? (the guy friend knows very clearly where I stand about nto being over my ex, and yet he still openly pursues- so he knows that there is potential to get hurt nad no promises of anything on my side) All the sad feelings have come up again, and I just think about my ex even more now, and I cant control the crying anymore. ARGH!

[dopexile]

Why did you break up with your ex? and who broke up with who?

[nicorette]

its definetly much too early for you to start seeing this guy. you need to let him know that your intentions are only for friendship, cos you dont want to lead this guy on. i feel for you and i hope your days get better. just think, when you finally ARE over your ex, you will be so happy and feel things in a new light. keep going strong with NC, and i think that unles you feel like you are ready, it isnt time to date.

[lvlyldy]

I didnt do the breaking up with my ex, he broke up with me. The reasons are complicated and i dont even know if what he told me was true. (Btw, we were together a year and a half.)

 

Basically, there were several issues 1) me- I was sick for a long time, became needy and dependent and couldnt handle my stress well with him. The health problems were causing academic problems which caused me even more stress which caused me to be even more dependent on him. 2) him- he was going through separate academic issues, started to lose confidence in himself because everything started going wrong for him. He was too dependent on me, couldnt tell me how he felt and was depressed over the general way his life was - he hadnt made any friends, grades werent high, didnt have any self-confidence (he used to be "mr.perfect" and so big blow for him). Also, he had to lie to his parents about his grades, and he is very close to them which i think hurt him a lot. I think another issue may also that since the breakup, he has talked to his parents about us- they may not be supportive of the idea of us working htings out. My ex says it was never about wanting anyone else, and that there is no other girl- he just wnats to be alone and do guy things. He says being in a relationship means he has to give control up of his schedule, and he doenst want to- he just wnats to do what he wants when he wants to. I guess thats fair, we're very young, only 20.

 

Ive tried to explain to him that I realize the cycle/rut we're in and that steps have been taken to make things better 1) we wont be living accross from eachother 2) im working on myself, picking up everything i dropped when i got sick 3)learning to handle my stress better. He said improvements were being made before we broke up, but that they werent happening fast enough for him. He told me when we first broke up there might be a chance later, but I didnt handle it well so he changed his mind to saying no there is no chance for us ever. He is the one that is imposing NC, and when Ive tried to contact him he doenst respond. When we were living accross from eachother he was polite, but distant.. but would respond to me with anger at times too. He did cry to me twice telling me how much he missed me and how depressed he was without me, but that he just couldnt be in a relationship. Basically, the way he treated me was completely random.. ignored me, was mean, would cry about how sad he was, said he wanted friendship, then never to see me again, then friendship agian. Blah.

 

I dont know if these issues can be resolved for him, enough to want him to try again, but I still have hope. Am i wrong to? Im hoping that after a summer trluy apart, once we get back to college and we settle into our new lives he might see its possible?

[dopexile]

Well anything is "possible". It's somewhat likely that his reasons are not true and there's something else going on and that was the nicest way of resolving the issue. Hard to say.

 

But anyway... what makes your breakup so bad is you have high hopes of getting back together with him. If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't have dumped you and would take your phone calls. So I would say it's time to move on. Keep working to improve yourself.

 

In relation to the new guy you are talking about... tell him you need some breathing room and you aren't ready to date. There's really no reason to date him since you already said it wouldn't work out. Plus you aren't even over your old relationship. He might be a good friend to displace your boyfriend as someone to hang out with but you need to be very clear that you aren't interested in him romantically.

 

It's rough believe me I know but you have to do what's healthy for you in the long run.

[stolenshadow]

I think it's very important you distance yourself from your friend, you are basically having to deal with two break ups at the moment (his and yours) and if that wasn't enough you have to deal with being his rebound.

 

It's a shame you couldn't be there for each other as friends but you need your space to heal properly and let go of your ex, your friend is not giving you the right environment to do it, so I think you should stop talking to him and tell him to postpone the visit to when you feel better.

 

I fear your friend won't make things easier for you if you try to do NC, but I think cutting contact for a while is the best option.

 

Good Luck.