Hi, new and kaputt

[Russo]

Ok. Went to bed last night, after some tossing and turning finally fell asleep. waking up is a pain.

 

Went online. Saw her on msn. I was so tempted to say something. But didn't.

At one point I was cursing at the screen not to do it, and so I didn't. She went offline half an hour later.

 

Babysteps. Tiny babysteps.

[hpsowce]

Well done, you did the right thing not contacting her. It's so easy to give in and break NC but trust me it sets you back so far. I'd heard the babysteps thing before but I never fully appreciated the phrase until this happened, even if you have setbacks as long as you keep your chin up and eyes forward you'll get through it.

[kellbell]

Hang in there Russo. The beginning is never easy but I promise you it will get easier and you will feel better.

[jchan]

Stay strong man,

Block, delete, do whatever so you don't have to remind yourself of her. I am a firm believer of karma, it does exist. PM me and i'll tell you the details of it. And I do believe it's just the beginning of it.

 

You don't need to be there and observe the results or any of it. Trust me, you'll feel so much relieved and feel like a better person for being a good sport and letting go.

 

You're a great guy, there's so many things out there go get em!

 

stay strong!

[Russo]

Jchan, thanks for the peptalk. You've got a pm waiting on you.

 

I locked myself in the house for the past three days, after a weekend of alcohol binging. I went out today into the sun. Only for 15 minutes, but still.

 

Babysteps, just tiny babysteps. One at a time.

[bachinit]

Russo,

 

The same thing happened to me by my ex gf about 6 months ago.. complete 180...out of the blue. I didn't see it coming. I was devastated.

 

The only difference though is that mine kept me on a very thin string for most of those past 6 months...making me think getting back together was a possibility at some point, but never coming close to committing to that. We talked on the phone a lot, IMed, emailed but there was always some excuse why we couldn't get together (job, kid etc). She was systematically putting distance between us and I was too love struck to see it. In the end she said let's just be friends and I very reluctantly agreed (still being naieve). But then I finally realized that she had been grooming my replacement that whole time and it just burns me up that I fell for it. Two weeks ago I pretty much unloaded (here, have a heaping plateful of guilt baby!) on her because I wanted my 6 months of hell on eggshells back. So that I could change them back into 6 months of healing for me. I felt like I was starting at square one all over again. I don't need friends like that.

 

Yours gave you the blessing at least of a quick and honest break, as hard as that is, but your next 6 months are yours to use to think about just yourself and you'll be much better by then I promise. Yes, in the end, they both did the exact same thing. They broke our hearts. And it hurts like hell. Trust me I know.

 

But hang in there man. You are not alone.

[Russo]

Ok, cringe all you like guys. I broke it. Already. I caved. I broke NC.

 

I did the stupidest thing. I called.

 

She was cold, she was distant all the things you guys know by now.

 

I tried to chitchat, before I started apologizing for calling. I know. Dumb mistake. She told me that she didn't want contact for a while and "a while" didn't pass yet. I explained to her that it was hard coping and that I knew I was making a mistake by doing this. I just had to. Somehow. I told her that

it was difficult getting through the days without her, without talking to her.

 

She told me she was studying and I interrupted her in her studies.

 

I (DUMB JERK!) asked how long this nc thing would be needed. She had no idea. How she went on with things, how she could do it. "I'm just living my life, nothing fancy about it" I asked her if she felt that I was being a pain, she told me that I wasn't that big of a pain but I didn't respect her wishes of NC. I responded to that with: "you know how much this relationship meant to me, I can't just walk away like it never happened, right?" She said that it was understandable.

 

Finally. The kicker.

 

me: "do you ever think about me?"

 

she: "no, I'm hanging up the phone"

 

me: "never?"

 

she: "sometimes" *CLICK*

 

Alright, raze, critisize, whatever. I know from reading stuff on the boards and the advice I've been given that this was the WRONG thing to do.

 

VERY WRONG.

 

And I know you people have gone through the same. Somehow my brain cannot compute all of this, last week we made plans for our future, next week this. How do people just drop it and carry on like nothing happened?

 

I just don't get it. Can people be this callous?

 

Sorry for messing up people. I'm really sorry.

 

God, I miss her.

[kellbell]

Don't beat yourself up over this. We all make mistakes, perhaps this was the final thing you needed in order to move on. Any more calls you make to her will make you feel worse, push her away even more, and she will lose all respect for you.

 

I know this is hard but breakups are never easy...for both persons I can assure you. One day at a time. Keep posting here. Call a friend or post here when you feel like contacting her. Hang in there.

[Russo]

I feel I want to do it right now! This friggin' urge is just soaring through me, this voice in my head is screaming to resist, to fight it, it just screams "DON'T LET IT ALL SLIP AWAY! DO SOMETHING!" I feel like I'm standing here watching everything about my life fall apart and I can't do anything about it.

JESUS!

[lunatic]

Russo you must respect her wishes by NOT CONTACTING HER ANYMORE! I can understand how hard it is to do but, you MUST do it. If you do keep contacting her your only going to push her farther away. Why would you want to be with someone who is as distant as she is right now. I have said this before and I will say it again. You cannot make someone who does not want to be with you be with you. She has probably been having feelings of wanting out or something about the relationship is missing for some time.

 

I know how hard it is but, every time you contact her she is given the power. The power over your heart and soul. You must stop calling her and take that power back. You have to keep what little pride you have left and start to move on.

 

Be strong, stay busy, and be with people who actually want to be around you.

 

Come here and post when your weak.

 

Hub

[Russo]

Pfew, just after I posted that last post, I immediately went out, to be out of the house, away from the computer and away from all electric forms of communication. I took my cell though and called two friends. They let me vent for over an hour. (don't wanna see that phonebill) I smoked what felt like a full carton of luckies (Im an emo smoker. the more emo the more carcinogens, bad habit kids, don't start!) but I feel less stressed now. Going out with some friends tomorrow and I have decided to go back to work on Monday. I'm going to spend this weekend with friends only, they're gonna keep me busy enough and hold me back if I attempt something stupid. (which doesn't make sense because I'm the resident beerchugging champion and recordholder of consecutive tequila shots thanks to THEM!) but you get my point, I thought I'd end on a high note for today. No use of ruining your entire day over one phone call right?

[kellbell]

Russo,

 

This is an awesome time to be with friends. This is the best thing for you right now. The worst thing you can do is sit home alone stewing over this. I am glad you have great friends to count on and that you have been making plans. definitely a step in the right direction. Hang in there.

[sonjam]

Just one more thing Russo, before you go and have your fill of tequilas and beer, please let somebody remove any kind of telephonic device or computer.... those are the times your resistance will be the lowest.

[need2bme]

I am actually feeling a little better, but also stupid and a little mad at myself for doing it. Is that crazy or what?

 

Actually I called her, because I am working up in NoCal and she is in SoCal. We got an apartment down there, with all our stuff, mostly mine. Now, sooner or later I will have to deal with her, but it did not have to be today.

 

She broke up with me over the weekend of May 26, 2006. It was her birthday and we got in a fight over something stupid. I felt like it might end and I know I need to fix me badly (my mind doctor , thinks I have an issue with liking myself and that everything I do revolves around that and around sabotaging myself so I can prove I don't like myself). This is true and even my ex picked up on it. Anyway, when I went down I had already had a couple of meetings with a therapist and I was told I what meds I might need to take for what she believed was slight depression, definite anxiety and small ADD traits. I told my GF this and she made an off the wall comment (which shows you how much people do not know about people who need meds). This upset me. I was trying to do this to be a better man. The Sunday before I came back to NorCal, I she wanted to go by a teller and get some money. I told her I could not go to that teller, cause I would get charged money from the teller and my bank. She kept saying it was ok and started rubbing my leg and telling me over and over that it was ok. I screamed that I am not insane and stop patronizing me. I should have never told her. Also, it was my hangup about taking meds, not hers. I pushed that last stuff on her. She was telling me the next day that things were just not right in "here" and pointed to her chest. She just did not know what to do and that we always kidded each other about getting a divorce, which she brought up, so I believe it upset her. That night, we went to a movie and she mentioned to go to an early show, so that we could get back early and be together. I get back up here and basically get told that we are not together anymore, over the phone. Are you kidding me, over the phone??? 13 1/2 years and we did it over the phone!!!

 

Fast forward to the phone call today. I actually called our house last night and wanted to talk to her about a poen she wrote saying that "Love is All", it was 11:30 and she did not answer so I hung up. What a wuss I am. Then, she called me back today and I played it off with something else (I did not mean to dial you). How pathetic! I then called her back today, as I found out my job was letting go of contractors and even though I believe I have a great job lined up in another state, I want to go home. So I pathetically put this other job off over the weekend and call her to tell her the news and basically make it out as I am sorry but I might need to come home. She did not know what to say. Again, there were apologies to not take things in a way other than the way they were said, mostly about small stuff (it is a shame we feel the need to apologize for small stuff). She said she would help me and offered some thoughts, but seemed a little shocked. I was manipulating her to see what she might say and I feel terible for that. I need to know where she stand, but I feel now that I cannot do it this way. I am going to have to take the other job and it KILLS me. I have to know that if we do get back together, that we both want it.

 

Needless to say, I love her, but complained all of the time about her. She may have done the same about me. In short, she is of a different culture and she personally does not like to share any feelings with anyone. She always said that I knew how she was when we started dating. I KNOW I HELPED HER STAY CLAMMED UP. I should have been more open to helping her open up. I just would * * * * * and * * * * * about her family.

 

In short, the calls have not made her want me back, nor am I back there. I certainly cannot go back without a job. So you see that even though there was no harsh words and she said she "would always have my back", it did not make things any clearer.

 

Also, something I have not read here yet is that when things are not harsh, they are still VERY awkward. It was so awkward, neither of us knew what to say exactly. It is sad that we are now there when a week or so ago, we were holding hands and making love. Go figure!

 

In short, I should not have called, even though we need to make a decision about our apartment and she did state in an earlier phone call that "just because we won't be together" to "if I met someone else" to taking it slow" to "if we get back together". WOW, talk about mixed signals. I would just love to have the guts to sit down and figure out if we are taking a break or are we breaking up. She broke up with me at least twice before and always came back to me at my apartment. I am afraid (and I know I ill get beat up on this and probably deserve this) but I want to be in the same city, in case we can work it out. I should not have moved up here to work and been away for 6 months. Who needs that. I have been miserable and I stayed up here and basically ruined our relationship. She says she just does not feel the same way that I do. A few mixed messages there, I think.

 

Sorry this turned into a rant. It hurts a lot and Russo, the feeling wells up in me constantly to call her. I panic and then call a family member (my phone is already over minutes too). I thought I was going to throw up earlier. Even if we did try a date, I would be afraid I would do something wrong.

 

Also, can someone please tell me how I just went on with my daily life before and when she came back I played it so cool, but now it is kiling me? Is it possible that because I am so far away, that it now seems final?

 

HELP ME!!!

[Russo]

Right, had my weekend out with friends. Started out of Friday. Went to a bar, had some nice conversations.

 

Then saturday morning.

 

In one word: Unbearable.

 

I've cried every single time I was alone. I keep crying. Can't stop it. But I'm ok with the crying. I know it has it's purpose. But that agonizing gut feeling is really getting to me. I'm becoming quite paranoid, restless. I'm basically crawling up the walls here.

 

I'm having a hard time.

 

damn.