To Call or Not to Call????

[rimshot22]

It's been a few days now since my girlfriend and I broke up. We had made plans for her to come get the rest of her things from my house on Sunday. She sent me a text message saying that she hoped I was OK, that she wasn't coming over, and that she loved me.

 

Not sure if I should initiate contact just saying that if it's too uncomfortable to see me she can pick up her stuff when I'm not here or if I should continue with no contact.

 

Any advice?

[PRSOV]

Hey there,

 

I wouldn't go totally no contact as I don't think there is any real reason to at the moment. You seem to be coping alright and neither of you seem to be bitter about the situation, although I think that you should take things one step at a time.

[HardShowingAffection]

I wouldn't push it. It is her stuff... if it is not bothering you, just leave it be. Let her initiate the contact and come get it when she is ready. It might give you guys some time to cool things down and think more clearly. If you rush and are acting high on emotions, you could potentially do further damage to your relationship.

 

If looking at it bothers you, pack it up and put it away in a closet. Then you don't have the constant reminder of her everytime you turn the corner. She will come get the stuff if she needs it or wants it badly enough.

 

Once you both have some time to let emotions cool down, you will be able to sit and think about the things that happened to cause your relationship to be where it is. What were the events that happened? How could they have been handled differently? Regardless of who started it, what could have been done positively to avoid the break-up?

 

Take this time to look at YOU. Find yourself again, and find out why YOU weren't able to give your partner the love that they needed. Why weren't you able to fill your partners needs?

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I am sorry about your breakup. If I were in your situation I would pack up her things and text her and ask her to come get over and pick up her stuff when you are not there. Is there a safe place to leave it like a porch, garage, patio? I have seen time and time again on this forum that ex's use personal belongings as a way to keep the other in his/her life, give false hope, and use as calatoral to see the person.

 

Don't do this for her, do this for yourself. A step in the right direction in helping you heal and move on. Good luck and take care.

[sonjam]

Hi there, sorry to hear about what happened. I would pack her stuff into a box and just store it someplace. But I would not send her any messages. I always call it "playing the game". It's over, and she's now trying to see if she can get any kind of reaction out of you by saying nice things. Just leave it until she calls to collect. Don't get caught into the trap. It just prolongs the healing process, and causes more heartache than you need right now!!

[rimshot22]

I should have added a bit more background. We broke up this past Saturday and went to my house to get her stuff. It was too painful for us to do so we agreed to do it later. In the midst of the emotion I told her something to the effect that I'd feel hurt if she just came over and grabbed everything when I wasn't there. Now that I'm a bit more level headed I realize this may not be the best idea.

 

I don't want her to avoid getting it because she's afraid of hurting me more and can't see me. What to do?

[HardShowingAffection]

It seems like you really just need to get a grip on your emotions right now. Yes, breaking up sucks... but it is happening for a reason. Until you can address your issues, and she can do the same, you would most likely enter a viscous cycle that is not good for either of you.

 

Let her get her stuff however she feels most comfortable. You need to suck it up right now, and put on that happy face, even if it is not how you feel inside. Be confident, appear happy. Take this time to look into YOU. Your attitude will change. You will see things that you never saw before. After a time of reflection, you will see that you are able to enter a relationship, either with your ex, or someone completely new, with a whole new light.

 

As hard as it is right now, it is what you have to do. The thing that helped me most was reading. Seeing things from a different perspective has really helped me get a grip on things, and change my life for the better. I highly recommend it. Start with these two books and tell me what you think:

 

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz

"The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz

 

They will change your life... trust me. And they are easy to read. Sometimes you need a wake-up call to change your life for the better. My breakup hurt so bad, but at the same time, it could have been the best thing that ever happened to me, because it made me look at myself in a way that I had never done before.

 

Good Luck, we are here for you!

[rimshot22]

Thanks for the advice. I guess I just want her to feel comfortable doing what she needs to do. If she wants to come get it when I'm not there but isn't because of what I said I would want her to know that that is OK.

 

I actually bought both of those books by Ruiz yesterday. I've only had a chance to peruse them because I'm currently into another book.

 

It sucks because I feel, after doing a lot of reading, that our issues would have been so easy to address had we confronted them in a more constructive way. I wish I could give her the stuff I'm reading, but she has to do that for herself.

[HardShowingAffection]

Ha ha ha... rimshot, you got a chuckle out of me. I feel the exact same way after reading so much. I bet you have seen a lot of things that you could have done differently, and reflect back on your actions (which made sense at the time) and see how they contributed negatively to your relationship.

 

The great thing though, is that you see it! You are more knowledgable now, and you will have to work to modify your thoughts and behaviors to make sure that you don't relapse into those negative patterns again! But truthfully, before digging into this, how else were you to know?

 

I was lucky enough to still be on speaking terms with my ex after I had really started reading. She took 4 of the books off my hands, and said she would read them. Maybe she will take them to heart, maybe not. Maybe the damage is done, and she won't want to reconcile, maybe she will have a change of heart.

 

I totally agree with you in the fact that most of our issues would have been easy to address had we confronted them in a more constructive way. However, at the time, I didn't know, she didn't know... we didn't have the tools that we needed to handle the issues with grace and in a positive manner. We were 'living and learning'. I know now... I am better for it. I have encouraged her to read the same books for her.... not us. If she gets out of the books what I have, she will be better in her future, just as I will be... even if it isn't together.

 

I would love another shot, but I can't hold onto that hope, it has to be her decision. But after reading and learning so much, I would have to make sure she was willing to put in the same effort and learn as much as I did, because then we could build that relationship that we have always wanted!

 

Good Luck, and keep on reading! Those books by Riuz are AWESOME! What else have you read? I have many more recommendations if you are interested.

[Roxari]

The problem with breaking up and still having things of the others is that sometimes it becomes an excuse to contact that person. My ex and I made the break fast and furiously.

 

Removing every trace of him from my life on the outside is making it easier to get by. The memories of us chase me like one of the monsters from a horror movie Jason, Freddy and/or Michael. No matter where I go they haunt me. I did not and do not need his things hanging around to have those reminders too.

 

Holding on to anything is just that, holding on. Your heart will ache and the tears will fall. I am a firm believer in that if it is love and you are meant to be together it will. However, if you hold on to the hope that she will come back without making the attempt to heal and move forward, you are robbing yourself of time. You need to be strong enough to make the right decisions IF you decide to work things out. And IF that does not happen, you will be that much closer to being strong enough to keep moving forward.

[rimshot22]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I'm just going to let things be for now. It really is her decision and her stuff. I'm doing a pretty good job not dwelling on the past or what I could have changed so the stuff being around doesn't really bother me. It might when it's gone, however.

 

I'm currently reading a Dr. Phil book, "Rescuing Relationships" or something like that, and "How to be Happy no Matter What-5 things your therapist never told you." Not sure if I got the titles correct.

[HardShowingAffection]

"Relationship Rescue" is an AWESOME book rimshot. I am actually reading it again, for the second time in a month. It has so many fundamentals in it, that it really shook me and woke me up. When I finished it the first time, I handed it to my ex and the last time I talked to her, she said she had started reading it. There are alot of things from that book that I really want to absorb and practice.

 

After finishing those two books by Riuz, I figured I would read it again. Like I said, I am on like my 10 book right now, and they have all helped in their own ways. I feel so much wiser and much more aware of everything, it is great. I will never go into another relationship as I did in the past, and never let the same things happen, so for those reasons, I am happy that I got this wake-up call. Maybe she will see the same things, and we can work on it, maybe not.

 

Good Luck, stay strong, and stay focused on you!