girl is acting naive

[JimmerJammer]

hey all,

 

there was a girl i recently asked to go hang out with (i know her through friends) and she said ok but she thought i meant with her friends too. how could she think that? i said "lets go _____" and she said she was for it so i didn't think i said anywhere "lets include your friends too".

 

i have no problems hanging out with her friends cuz they're my friends too but it makes it hard to get to know someone when they're out with friends. don't know bout you, but i don't hang out with friends to pay attention to only one person and ignore the rest as i get to know that person.

 

i'm tempted to ask about it and see what the deal is. but i also dont know whether or not to even bother trying if i meet resistance. like she seems like a great girl, but i refuse to be jerked around.

 

any ideas?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Maybe you should be specific that you want to be with her alone. If a you say "hang out", she probably thinks you mean just spending time with friends, no big deal, but if you meant date, you should say date. This isn't naivete, its a miscommunication.

[JimmerJammer]

ya ok. hmmm. well i wonder what she'd think if i implied date implicitly. i mean i'm for getting to know someone, but i hate associating it with it being "a date" because that implies wanting to jump into a relationship. I'd rather it go naturally as opposed to trying to go through the typical steps (dating to casual dating to committed relationship).

 

i just don't want to ruin any potential by trying to push for something when my intentions are to have fun and see how we enjoy each others company.

[DropToZero]

i have no problems hanging out with her friends cuz they're my friends too but it makes it hard to get to know someone when they're out with friends. don't know bout you, but i don't hang out with friends to pay attention to only one person and ignore the rest as i get to know that person.

 

I know exactly what you mean...it's impossible especially if all her friends, even if they're your friends too, if they all know her a little better than you do...it's just like automatic attention because she knows them better, and in turn she won't give you any personal attention in order to get to know her. In my personal story, I've been putting up with a girl like that for way too long...I'm done, nothing ever changed. And yes...I brought it up to her attention and asked her about it, obviously she doesn't care enough to make the effort to want to get to know me though...so I give. Hopefully in your case, she'll understand and give you two some personal time here and there away from all of her friends...good luck.

[heloladies21]

Hang out with her and your friends, but try and set something else up. Suggest something that would most likely not include your friends (i'd have to know more about you like your age and where you live etc. to make suggestions). Then you can do your thing.

[JimmerJammer]

And yes...I brought it up to her attention and asked her about it, obviously she doesn't care enough to make the effort to want to get to know me though...so I give.

 

HAHA omg this just happened to me. see i stopped caring about this girl the day she gave resistance, but i wanted to go with it a bit longer just to see if she was going to continue on that way. and she did and now she won't give me the time of day.

 

what really is confusing though is that i'm not looking for a relationship so much as i'm just out to meet new people and get to know them. for some reason, men and women, don't seem to want to get to know me either way. and women ESPECIALLY think that my wanting to hang out with them means i'm trying to push for something. that actually intrigues me and makes me wonder what is going on. its even harder to figure out when you only have yourself to go by as that's the only "truth" you can truly believe in.

[mccarleighp]

so why dont u ask her out on a date

[Dating Coach]

ya ok. hmmm. well i wonder what she'd think if i implied date implicitly. i mean i'm for getting to know someone, but i hate associating it with it being "a date" because that implies wanting to jump into a relationship. I'd rather it go naturally as opposed to trying to go through the typical steps (dating to casual dating to committed relationship).

 

i just don't want to ruin any potential by trying to push for something when my intentions are to have fun and see how we enjoy each others company.

 

To the bold, you're wrong. Going out on dates does not imply you want to jump in to a relationship. Dating is an everyday occurrence where two strangers can sit down together, talk, and get to know each other. It doesn't mean either party is looking to jump into a relationship with the other. What it does do though is allow the two people to get to know each other while being upfront and honest that you are doing so due to potential interest in each other. Whereas hanging out as "friends" to get to know each other before expressing interest is taking strides down a path of being "just friends". It is far better to get to know people through dating. You have to get it out of your head that dating means you are jumping in to a relationship. Many people go on one date, decide they are not good for each other, and stop right there. Others date for a long while before becoming exclusive. And even others can like each other so much right off the bat that they become exclusive pretty quickly. The beauty of it all is that both parties are being honest and open about what they are doing, and aren't afraid to take that step forward.

[DropToZero]

Yeah, In my case...nothing ever changed, despite what she said and says, it's only the "actions" that matter, and in her actions, she'd rather hang with her friends than take the time to get to know me beyond just hanging out at parties and making out from time to time(despite what she says again). I just have my own personal problem, because when I go party with my friends, I don't get drunk often, but when I do and she's there...I'm really easy hah. I can go to this party saying to myself I won't touch her and I'm not going to give in, and I end up doing it anyways sometime later in the night ugh. And because she's just a part of my group of friends, it's not like I can just stop hangin out with her, because, then I wouldn't see my other friends...and I don't want that. I've just got to be determined to not give in, and at the same time not let any of this ruin my friendships.

 

To be truly honest, In the beginning I did sort-of want a relationship w/ her, because I thought she was that type, but as time went on...I'd never want one with her now, it would just be hell. The thing that just bothers me is that after like...a year, I don't think she even knows the first thing about me, the only things she knows are what she's asked my friends, and they may all know me, but they don't know me inside and out that well. I think ...that's just sad, but I give. I really wish I could just bring a girl that I could be dating to one of the parties where she was to sort-of teach her a lesson for pulling all this crap on me, but...I realized that's not my job to teach that to her...it's just not how I am. She'll learn in time...and I'm just trying to keep meeting others.

 

Whoa, kinda went on a ramble there...oh well, maybe if you read my story, you'll get a little out of it, because I put up with mine for too long, if your girl doesn't show effort to try and change(meaning wants to hang out ALONE from time to time away from friends) soon, just take it from me...she probably won't.

[JimmerJammer]

i tried asking her out to do something, but she thought i meant with other people (our friends). to which i said that i wanted it to be me and her exclusively hanging out to which she sounded all surprised and was like "oh" and unless i said something, she wouldn't say anything.

 

then the other night i had known already i was done trying to hang out with her and was jokin around saying that me and her should go out. then she said that her bf wouldn't like that. which didn't make sense to me as i knew this guy and he wouldn't keep that from me. especially since that guy has been approaching girls and trying to get their numbers.

 

what exactly was she trying to pull?

[DropToZero]

i tried asking her out to do something, but she thought i meant with other people (our friends). to which i said that i wanted it to be me and her exclusively hanging out to which she sounded all surprised and was like "oh" and unless i said something, she wouldn't say anything.

 

then the other night i had known already i was done trying to hang out with her and was jokin around saying that me and her should go out. then she said that her bf wouldn't like that. which didn't make sense to me as i knew this guy and he wouldn't keep that from me. especially since that guy has been approaching girls and trying to get their numbers.

 

what exactly was she trying to pull?

 

Seriously man...just leave it all alone, you're trying to date the girl in the middle, and she's playing games, may be easier said than done, but you're just going to cause yourself a lot of drama, so get out now and leave her be.

[JimmerJammer]

the thing is i'm constantly met with these games. doesn't seem to matter which girl i approach, that it always ends up with them playing these games and creating drama. in one form or another. i don't intentionally look for it and all i'm doing is being myself.

 

i said already that i was going to drop it, but i wanted some help understanding what she getting at or what she was doing. i know her and my friend aren't dating because he still talks to me about getting numbers from girls and he even said that all he would do with this girl is sleep with her and then move on. i see this as her getting me to take my hint and stop buggin her. but dammit jsut be honest and say ur not interested, don't jump threw these hoops and hope that i can "figure it out".

 

i just notice this pattern. it doesn't matter if its a girl i'm interested in and i feel she's interested in me. or if its a girl i'm not interested in and she's interested in me. or if its a girl i'm interested in and trying NOT to show my interest in and she's interested in me. it doesn't matter it seems, everytime i go to approach it for friends, dating or simply hanging out i am met with resistance.

 

here these girls talk about honesty and trust and having a hard time with it and yet here they are being less genuine than i'm being.

[DropToZero]

I know exactly what you mean, that's why I give. I just posted in some other post about my position on it. I'm still young, so I give on trying to be in a relationship...every girl I meet I'm met with resistance on that too(even if I'm not the one to bring it up)...every girl just wants to keep it casual or just ...sexual(despite what they say to me). So yeah...I'm done with relationships...I'm going to enjoy my prime while I still have it and stay "single." So to you, my friend, I say since we both seem to have this problem, lets just both agree to stop trying to figure out what girls we meet want, and lets just enjoy our time meeting as many people as we can. Lets get out there and have fun, forget the games, and just enjoy life. Lets take an oath, we're not going to be the ones to mention the word "relationship" again till we're a few years older and 100% sure about the one we're picking....deal?

 

If you're having problems even meeting girls and moving forward...I guess between me and Diggity we could help you out though, just PM one of us, diggity's even got a guide I think you may want to check out.

[Dating Coach]

She's not trying to pull anything, she's trying to send you signals to let you know that she isn't interested.

[JimmerJammer]

well maybe she's not trying to pull anything, but there's no reason for her to play games and "let me down easy" then. cuz if she really wanted me to take the hint, why bs me around like this. honestly i've said over and over i'm done with this girl, i'm only trying to understand why she thinks she has to go easy on me and throw this line hoping i'll walk away. just say hey i'm not interested in getting to know you. period. not throwing line after line that should cause me to move on. i'm already moving on lol i only find this behaviour to be funny and confusing at the same time.

 

the funny thing is that i'm not dumb and i "get this" but that i don't see where i had shown her that i couldn't "handle" her rejection. and that just being curious about this puts me in this category as opposed to just avoiding it, ignoring it and being in denial about it. hey i'm game for moving onto another girl, hell i've got two more i'm gaming right now. i don't stick around with one girl too often, but i like to understand resistance so i know where to improve my game.

[Dating Coach]

Because that's the way it is. Most girls you will ever come accross will always try to let you down easy. It's exceedingly rare that you will find a girl that will say, "Hey look, I don't find you attractive at all, so please understand this and give up on me right now." It's simply too easy to say, "Hey, I am not ready for a relationship. Sorry." or, "You're really a nice sweet guy but I think we are better off as friends."

Maybe for YOU it would be easier for her to be honest, but for most women it simply is easier to try to let you down gently with hints and such. You can complain about it or not understand it all day long, but this is the way most women are. The sooner you accept this the easier it will be.

 

You also say that you are over it and you don't care but if that were true I don't think you would still be dwelling on this behavior. Just shrug your shoulders, and move on.