i've been awake all night..i need some advice

[asmodai]

Hi,

 

Its been a while since i posted here. I just was wondering if i could get peoples' opinions;

 

My flatmate (female, about the same age as me) has always been what i thought to be a great girl- shes attentive, intelligent, dynamic, strong-minded, has a open personality, and (what i thought) a great deal of commonsense. She told me earlier tonight that a guy that liked her was coming over to 'talk things through with her' and made it clear she dispised him - was saying that she just wanted to get rid of him, hes repulsive, how she was annoyed with how he acted at a recent party we threw (he was really drunk, turned up the music too much, fell over into our vege garden, pissed all over the floor in our bathroom etc... a real 'charmer' this one!) basically the guy is a total deadbeat and she seemed very annoyed at having to talk to him at all.

 

So i'm like fair enough and was sure to make myself scarce so she could talk to this guy for a while, so i went to my room to listen to some music etc.. anyway 2 hours later i see the guys still here and they're both up in her room.

 

Now i know its not really my business but i just dont get it!??!? Its really shook me to the core and i dont know why- i've been awake all night because of this. I can't figure out if its because in some deep recessed part of my psyke i acually have a thing for her and i'm jealous, which i honesltly can say i dont think i like her that way, I dont believe i have a thing for her- she is a nice enough girl but isn't really my type, we get along great as flatmates though.

 

Or it could be i'm more angry at myself for misjudging her character, because she said one thing then literally seemed to do another!! Alot of women in my life have done that, and i guess i thought she was different somehow- like her and me share the same values and principles (while non-religious i have pretty traditional values and would never cheat, have a one night stand etc.. that sort of thing).

 

Can anyone give me some insight?? I'm really freaked out either way, why the heck would i be worked up enough about this to not be able to sleep at all (i'm usually a good sleeper).

[itsallgrand]

Hey. I get where you are coming from.

 

I've experienced this: except I was the 'bad' friend. Well, not 'bad', but you know what I mean. I was on a camping trip with a good female friend of mine. This is a while back. She always treated me with respect and we were great friends (still are today). Basically, we share a lot of the same values. We're the same 'sort'. However, at that point in my life I was a little messed up. I did something while camping with a man I probably wouldn't have given the time of day usually. Combination of losing my bf, camping atmosphere, beers, lots of attention.

I could tell she was mad. She refused to talk to me the next morning.

And we had to drive home together.

In the car, I tried to keep things light and give her time to come around. I knew she would let me know how she felt about eventually - she is very opinioned.

 

She told me she was disappointed. She said a lot of the things you are expressing here "I thought your character was so good. I never really expected to see you do that. I hated having to watch you disrespect yourself. It made me mad, sad, and it put me in an awkward position."

I apoligized. I explained why I did it. I told her how awful I felt about it (bc I was ashamed - and I really needed my friend. Couldn't stand to lose her.)

 

Basically, we worked it through by talking about it once she had calmed down.

And we moved passed it.

We made an agreement - I would not do anything like that around her ever again. And she asked that if I did choose to do something like that again: I not speak about it to her. And she would not ask questions. So, I ended up smartening up pretty quick. A lot of it was bc of my friend.

 

Once you feel somewhat calm and able to; I would strongly suggest talking to your friend/flatmate. You guys are living together. Constant avoidance or keeping all these feelings to yourself would be too much work and could really hurt the friendship.

 

Good luck. Your feelings are perfectly understandable. It is hard watching a friend make 'mistakes'. Consider though: she may have her reasons, and it's possible she's not proud of it.

[AwdreeHpburn]

could be just that you care about her, in whatever capacity, and don't want to see her with someone you feel isn't well suited for a donkey - although possibly a better match.

 

Could it be as simple as that?

[itsallgrand]

lol. Yeah, like Ta_ree_saw said. That's what my long story was basically saying. hehee.

 

Anytime we care about someone, there's gonna be bumps along the road.

Talk. Usually. Works.

[asmodai]

Yeah but its hard for me to talk about it. I've only known her a couple of months, and i'm not one to pry into other peoples business. Its definatley none of mine, i'm not involved with her at all. Thats why i'm more angry at myself in a way for caring about it so much. Just seems strange. I know she only broke up with her last b/f that was a long distance relationship but i still dont see how anyone could feel so low to do a thing like that.

 

Conversation would be hard, its not like i can just say "wow you really screwed a bum last nite haha" and lead conversation from there can i?

 

lol maybe i'm offended that she didnt come to me for comfort instead of the deadbeat guy bah i dunno

[alyssajones]

It's clear that you care about her as a person. Talk to her. Just make sure your words don't come out accusational, simply discuss the situation and let her know you care She's lucky to have someone that does!

[asmodai]

Thanks for the replys everyone

 

Hey itsallgrand, thankyou for sharing your story- can i ask why you did it though?? i know everyone is human and makes mistakes etc.. but honestly i cant get my head around this.

 

Guess females work differently- from a guy perspective i think you are in 2 camps- you either play the field, have fun and screw around as frequently as you can with whomever will let you (i have mates like this), or you hold back, and share those moments with people you feel are special, i guess i'm the latter of the two. Seems like quite a few girls just float between the two camps at times aye

[AwdreeHpburn]

asmod - nuthin at all wrong with expressing your concern for her. She'll prolly appreciate it.

 

Obviously you're not telling her what to do, who to see etc. You're simply telling her you're concerned about this particular guy.

 

I wouldn't make it like a "we need to sit down and have a conversation" type thing. And no need to question her judgement or make judgemnents of her, but just maybe in passing tell her, "be careful with this one"

 

know what I mean?

[asmodai]

It's clear that you care about her as a person. Talk to her. Just make sure your words don't come out accusational, simply discuss the situation and let her know you care She's lucky to have someone that does!

 

Wouldn't you feel a bit freaked out if the person you were living with wanted to sit down and discuss the guy you screwed last nite??? I think i'll only discuss it if she ever brings it up, but i gotta say she's not the girl i thought she was and i think i'll always see her in a different light..

[itsallgrand]

Sure. Yeah, well, I basically am a decent gal who likes to share with one special person. Like I said though, I had lost my bf and my self-esteem took a big blow. I made a mistake and wanted the attention. That's basically it. I was not proud of it.

 

You're a guy, eh?! Ooohkay. Sorry, I thought you were like a gal friend of hers! Guess that can make a difference.

 

Are you sure you don't 'like' her more than as a friend? No need to answer if you don't want, but it's something to think about.

 

I still think talking about it to her would be okay. It doesn't have to be a big deal. It can be a casual conversation. You could ask her how she feels about what went down the other night. And, since you are flatmates, if something makes you uncomfortable, it's not out of line to express that.

Just open up the convo. and let her talk if she likes.

 

It is nice that you care about her. I'm sure she'd be happy to know.

[asmodai]

haha yes i'm all man. Sorry for the confusion lol

 

Thanks for replyling. I can see why something like that could happen when ur feeling low and vulnerable but she just spent ages telling me what a moron he is and how she hates him.... thats the confusing bit.

 

Thats the thing - if i ask myself do i like her i'd answer no....BUT why the heck am i still awake (its 5:50am now, i went to bed at 11pm and still haven't had any sleep). Theres nothing else in my life i'm stressed about yet i feel like hell right now, mega stressed for no reason. I only get like this for major things- eg: exams i had at uni, job interviews, first dates etc.... i'm just lying here thinking why the heck would she do that??

[alyssajones]

I think in general (whether they want to admit it or not), women LOVE attention. Sometimes their actions are geared towards getting attention, even if it's not always the best way to go about it.

[itsallgrand]

Well, my friend, maybe this is where you find out how deep your feelings for her really go.

 

I hope you get some rest soon. Let us know how it goes, eh. If when you see her around the place, and you're getting a bunch of fluttery feelings in your gut, that might be clue.

[asmodai]

I hope i'm not falling for her or anything, mainly cos i dont think she likes me that way and i'm not sure shes my type anyway (especially after whats happened last nite). I acually was trying to get her to fix me up with one of her single friends a few days ago but she isn't taking my subtle hints so was planning to ask her friend out directly lol.

 

I am a very people orientated person, and at times i wonder if i care too much sometimes. I'm reserved and can be a bit shy socially but i'm the sort of bloke that puts the needs of others before me and if anyone asks for a favour i'll drop what i'm doing and help out however i can, no matter who they are. Its just the way i am and i dont think that is ever going to change although sometimes i wish it would, in situations like this for example.

 

lol suns almost up so i've got no chance of sleeping now. Work till 8pm tonite woo hoo...

 

Thanks for the replys everyone I'll keep you all in touch.

[Momene]

I think you're just a caring friend. If you saw a male friend fall for someone unsuitable, you'd probably think the same.